2018-04-26 Up Before the Sun.. Twice

Sometimes the Universe has an ironic sense of humor and sometimes it’s just a supreme asshole. For real.

Last night I woke when it was still dark. Looking down at my Fitbit (to check the time) all I could see was that the battery had been exhausted and a charge was in order. I took it off and put it on the charger. Then Iooked at my phone and it was 3 something. Ugh.

I woke because I was having a bad dream. Not a nightmare by any stretch of the imagination but bad enough. I was dress shopping (oh the horror 😱) and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was in a mall and going from store to store and what I wanted to find was something semi-formal for a special occasion. The racks were practically bare.

I recall thinking that if I didn’t find something I could always wear one of those cocktail length brides maids dresses I already have. Yeah, even in my sleep the logical brain is hard at work. There was only a few dresses I remember seeing that I halfway considered before dismissing. Two more casual numbers reminiscent of “pretty in pink”, probably because they were pink. Yuk.

If you knew me, you might now that I love dresses but I hate shopping. I mean, I really hate shopping. I’ll avoid shopping for clothes at almost any cost. If I can’t pick something up at Target with a quickness, then forget about it. And malls… gross.

I won’t even shop for dresses even though I really like to wear dresses. For one thing, I don’t need anymore dresses and for another, I don’t have a lot of occasions to spur some need for a new one. So this dream.. bad news man.

Awake at 3, I check my email and opened something from Josh about weight loss and hormones. It was a link to a YouTube video, a six minute clip from a joe Rogan podcast. I watched that and it was enough to wet my appetite for more info but I had no desire to search for more just then.

Instead I picked one of the next things in the suggested YouTube list, a Ted talk about how to live a happier life with a more uncluttered mind. The speakers secret? Not giving a fuck. Really. That was her whole talk.. a lesson about how not to give a fuck. And how to politely say no when you don’t want to spend your time or money or energy on something.

I’m all like “no shit”. I could’ve given that talk, especially since I’ve been self taught (even if it seems like I’m not so good at times remembering what I learned on my time off last year). ReLly I think she was just looking for an excuse to say the word “fuck” a lot in front of an audience. I couldn’t finish the vid and moved on to something more interesting. A Ted talk about sex.

(Which makes me wonder what the algorithm is for showing you suggested videos). I mean seriously.. why were those the top suggestions after the Joe Rogan fat thing? Hmmmm. 🤔

The “sex talk” also didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I could see sinking hours into interesting videos on the Tubes, but my attention span can’t handle wading though stuff I don’t find valuable or interesting. So I was done. I went back to sleep and that was a success (for a while anyway).

Enter stage left bad dream number 2. This time I’m going to some conference with some co-workers at a remote location. It started in the hotel room with my trying to get ready to go but not finding the things (mainly clothes) I was looking for. Sounds familiar right?!

Fast forward to me with two other people getting out of an elevator and since I don’t know where to go so I follow them. We get to the first little alcove/booth and these people I was following weren’t there. Poof! So there I was at some big convention center with hallways and rooms and audutoriums with no clue where I was supposed to be. And the clock was ticking.

Breakfast buffet from 8 to 8:30 and then the first speaker promptly at 8:30 and attendance is mandatory. It was 8:15 and all could think about was that I was going to miss the opportunity for food (priorities). Ask me how I knew it was 8:15 and I’ll tell you I swear I saw it on the Fitbit on my wrist.

Someone once told me you can’t read words or numbers in a dream. I’ve never been able to confirm or deny this claim, but I suspect it isn’t true. “Horseshit” I say.

That’s me employing profanity to garner continued interest like that lady who said fuck a lot in that Ted talk. Ha!

Anyway, when that dream finally woke me up I was over and done trying to sleep with all this havoc wrecking my dreams. It was 6am and the sun wasn’t up yet. I got up and got dressed and went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few household things I’d been putting off getting in the daylight. Wal-Mart is actually not that bad at 6am.

Now I’m just finishing up my morning cardio and I’m already fucking tired (and hungry). Damn.

Thanks Universe,

~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-04-25 I’d Rather be Lost In Lost In Space

I used to go to the gym in the evenings all the time. Its 8:15Pm now and I can’t help but feel I’d rather be anywhere else but here. I’m also not feeling very inspired by anything either. Damn.

I just wanna go hang out with JS and talk and watch a tv show or something. Yesterday we started watching the reboot of Lost In Space. It’s been so long since I had a show and a person and a a .. “we” have our first show! How nerdy is it that I’m happy about having TV time to look forward to, for “us”. So great. Being in love is great.

Now if I can only figure out how to make money grow on trees so I can quit my job and enjoy this awesomeness full time. If there is one thing that is hard to do it’s get used to working again after being off for 5 months. It’s extremely difficult.

How many more years is it to retirement again?! Oh yeah, a lot. /sigh

I switched from the elliptical to the treadmill and I’m still not jazzed about this. I’m thinking at this point I shouldn’t fight it. When it’s pajama time, it’s pajama time.

Until tomorrow,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-24 Achtung Baby

I put my iPhone on master shuffle to see what the Universe thinks I should be inspired by. “Even Better than the Real Thing” by U2 apparently.

Hey.. isn’t that song like 30 years old? There’s nothing like THAT coming up in the shuffle of 1000+ songs I have on my personal electronic pocket computer in the year 2018. It doesn’t make me feel old, though, just a reminds me of an earlier time. The only thing even better that might be the actual “Real Thing”. 😜

Seriously though.. that song was one that my dear un-departed ex-husband put on a mixtape he made for me in the early days of our courting. It was my introduction to U2 and I’ve been a fan ever since. (Of U2, not my ex).

***

I stopped typing for a little bit there to think about life, and just like that I’ve blown right past the BNL (Bare Naked Ladies) and landed on Blue October. I guess that’s how life goes sometimes. How on earth did I miss all those years going by and land in 2008? It’s not a typo, 2008 was the year of Blue October and the event that I would later call my own personal “Punctuated Equilibrium”.

If that wasn’t enough to convince me that the Universe is a “Real Thing” (with a cosmic sense of humor), the next selection is “Song for the Road” by David Ford. The one and only and there’s no other connection for reference to my Simply Vera Era that is stronger than that (except Mr. A to the Z). The first time I heard it, we were riding in his black Jeep along 144th street to somewhere.. I don’t remember where. Where isn’t important when the song is so good it makes you cry. Of course he was playing it and thinking about another girl. His “one that got away”. I didn’t even know her, but I wasn’t a fan. Her hair was more red than mine and that is all I knew.

I wasn’t even a book in his life between two iconic book ends, I was merely a chapter. Thin pages with a few words about tennis and tv shows, good food and great conversation. And that not-meant-to-be podcast “for or against”. It had some clever name I don’t recall. Do you remember that?

The girl he was with after me was someone my closest friends and I nicknamed “The Wildcard”. She was some shade of crazy I never knew existed and I don’t think I’ll ever know if it was love that made her crazy or if she was like Lady Gaga and “Born that way”. It’s ok though, I let go of caring about that years ago.

I actually saw her at a funeral for the mom/aunt of a pair of mutual friends of ours in 2016. I didn’t recognize The Wildcard right away that day because of her long blonde hair, which I think was her natural color. Her hair was black when I met her and she died it clown red to try and become a closer proximation to what SV was looking for. I’d never dye my hair for any man. I might take motorcycle lessons and tennis lessons and force myself into awkward social situations but my hair is sacred.

Well well, what do you know – An appearance by MRAZ.. how appropriate. I wonder if the Universe is standing behind me on this elliptical machine and reading what I’m writing. No, that’s too physical. When you are omnipresent, you don’t have to stoop to such levels. The song in play right now is “Life is Wonderdul”. It’s all about the contrast between opposing things and the idea that we can’t truly know one thing without the other.

Thinking about this makes me happy. It’s explaining away all the bad things. We wouldn’t truly know sound without silence, we would not know the warmth of the sun without the long cold winter. I wouldn’t recognize the sunrise if there was no dark of night. I can look back at my life and all the bad things are softer in the light of this philosophy. The song is brilliant. “It takes a toll to make you care”. My dues have been paid and I’m ready to collect.

Coming up to the end of my time here now and I am not surprised that the Universe has done it again. For its final play of the set, we have Fall Out Boy singing “Thnks fr th Mmrs”.

“Thanks for the Memories?”. How appropriate. There is a Fall Out Boy CD that reminds me of another time in my life, but the cannon of their music has extended beyond that and now I can’t help but just enjoy it as one of my favorite groups. They actually called me up earlier this year and asked me to come to their show in Lincoln this fall. To which I replied “I would be happy to”.  I will be happy too.

Times Up. Rewind. Replay.
Achtung Baby,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-23 Lifting Weights

Great Scott, I’ve done it again! It’s been a short 3 weeks since I officially sent in my last big assignment for my MFA and as soon as I pulled the trigger on that, the clock started ticking on #4. As of about 4:30 this afternoon, that was sent and it feels as though a giant weight has been lifted off me.

Not only is it the last of the semester, which means the pressure is off to do more reading at least for a little while, but today the kids went to their dad’s for the rest of the week and so there is peace and quiet in my house again.

I love them, but it’s incredibly difficult to concentrate on anything when they are in constant need of something. Even if the need is not constant, at any inopportune moment they could decide they do need something and it is like being at work and being constantly interrupted by people asking questions.

RH… It sucks right?!?!

I gave myself a pass for the rest of the day to not immediately start a to-do list of things that have been neglected and need to get done. I know what they are, and my brain can’t escape that, but if I hold off for just one night, then hopefully I can relax and enjoy this beautiful evening (after my 8PM conference call anyway). Truth is though, what I might need more than anything is a good night sleep. So it could come to pass that my call comes and goes and I go straight to bed. With the weight of school lifted for now, I should be able to sleep easy.

The other consequence of that weight being lifted is that it will open the door to lifting more weights. Both figuratively and literally. I think I’m going to switch up my work out routine quite a bit and add some more heavy lifting to the mix. This will need to be balanced out by doing less of something else, but I guess I will figure that out as I go. As I go, As I go. Going, going, gone.

That’s enough for now.
Tomorrow is the new normal.
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-22 You Can’t Always Get What You Want

Yesterday was a disappointing day for me. Disappointing is not the right word though, it was just that things did not turn out as expected. Since I had already decided that I didn’t know what to expect, then how could I have been unsatisfied with any result? Still, I have to tell myself that I got what I needed anyway, in the face of “wanting” too much.

A few days ago I was having what seems to have become a fairly frequent freak out because I had too many things on my mind. Too many things that I had committed to doing and trying to fit all the puzzle pieces together so that I could fit it all in. I think I elaborated about some of that specifically and in the end, just shrugged and said “whatever happens happens”. I was sort of quadruple booked, in my mind, and pressed to decide what was a priority. It was Jazzercise and the Red Cross Blood Drive and the Poetry Workshop and Lunch with Denise (plus I have the kids so all of that would include also navigating spending time with them too). In addition… deadlines – school and work. Ugh. Also, it was the 7 week anniversary of the day JS and I met, so that was important too. I’m in that “things are new enough that a 7 week anniversary is still a noteworthy thing” mode. Anyway….

I opted out of my morning elliptical routine to walk on the treadmill and read my book (for school) – Priority #1. My intention was to go to Jazzercise, but when I arrived I was the only one there for the class, all my motivation for that drained away. In truth, I already felt like an hour of doing that wasn’t a good use of my time considering everything else. I ended up telling the instructor I was there to talk to the program director and that I had an appointment elsewhere and didn’t intend to stay. All that was true, I was intending to have a talk with her and I did have an appointment at the red cross. When I left there I decided to hit the blood drive early.

The visit to the red cross was an epic fail. Hgb 11.6 and too low for donating. I’m extremely sick of trying to make that square peg fit into a round hole. I may try again tomorrow, but after that, I may just call it quits for a while on attempting to do that. We shall see. I’ve been eating all the right things and taking iron supplements for days and to have it be so low was just a bummer, so I walked away without accomplishing THAT goal and it felt really crappy to have sacrificed the writing workshop for that. But, time marched on so it was on to the next thing – Lunch.

If there is one thing that’s in my regular set list which is rarely disappointing, it’s lunch with a friend. I met Denise at an awesome new place and we ate and drank and chatted for quite a while. Then I followed her back to her house where she is having her basement finished so she could show me the progress. It was good. When I got home though, it was already three in the afternoon and I was beat tired and needing to finish my reading AND the kids were needing my attention.

We drove to get them a late lunch after which I tried (and failed) to take a nap. I really wanted to get a draft of my first essay of the next packet written but could not focus. The kids were being loud and rowdy and I went for a walk outside to think. It was too cold and I came back home. I also wanted to talk with JS, because we talk every day now, and I hadn’t done that yet. I also promised Z I would watch a movie with her. In the grand scheme of things, people ARE more important, so taking care of myself, and spending time with them and JS and Denise was the right thing to do.

So I shouldn’t use the words disappointing or unsatisfying or ungratifying.. or even unsatisfying, but that’s probably closest to how it was. I did a lot of stuff, but didn’t get done what I needed to. I got done what I needed to, but not what I wanted to. I think that makes sense.

Today I have to get some writing started and finished. I now only have three days left and that’s not enough for what I “want” to accomplish this round. I’ve been stealing from “want” to satisfy need a lot lately and not even successful getting it. IT’s pretty evident in my stats which I’ll hit later when I’m in the prime of my day.

So Much for Satisfaction,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-20 Timing is Everything

I’m well caffeinated this morning and just flush with thoughts about what I’m reading and the music in my ears. I’m so inspired about all the things I could pontificate about in my next set of essays for school. The renaissance, history, evolutionary biology, the invention of computer language. It’s wild. The book I’m reading is fucking tough. It’s like the author made a point of making it as difficult as possible for what purpose, I’m not sure.

I’m equating it to Organic Chemistry. The class that they give med student hopefuls to weed out the cruft. If I can consume this book and come away with some higher level of understanding, then for sure I’m qualified to be a poet. I’m grateful for the opportunity to try. And since I don’t care for failure or the words “I Can’t”.. then I will get through it and I’ll write the most kick-ass essay about it. There’s only two people who will read it, but that doesn’t matter to me. Like so many things in my life, I’m driven from within and inspired from being without.

I may or may not have stated before but my resolve to continue with my current course has waned considerably this past month. The struggle to do well in all things has caused a stress I never wanted to feel again. I wrote a poem about it and even felt my hand move closer to the emergency stop lever.

The contributing factors are time and money. Probably time because of money. I’m just now coming into the black again. The combination of not getting enough hours into work these past few weeks and seeing another semester on the horizon which will put another 10 grand hit on my safety net has caused a serious pause.

Despite that, I pulled the trigger for Residency this summer. That decision was made easier by tempering my anxiety by holding off on the fall semester for now. I’m waiting to see how this semester ends and also waiting until I hear back from my program advisor on questions I’ve asked.

Timing is sometimes everything though. My thoughts about the program, my goals, and my responsibilities vary day to day and swing certain direction based on my moods. How am I to ever trust any decision when I’m so swayed by emotion. I try sorting things out with logic and reason and separating the feelings from the main equation. That’s where my left-brain analytics and desire to see a visual list of pros and cons come in handy. This usually helps me come to the best conclusion on life decisions.

This time, it’s not as easy. What happens when one side of the list is abstract and un-quantifiable. How to I put money on one side of the equation and “the meaning of life” on the other?

What is the price of fulfilling your life’s undefined purpose? Is it priceless? Is it worth risking the very life you are trying to define? Is that life so insignificant that there is actually no risk at all.. only perceived risk? Have I now travelled so far down the rabbit hole that any conclusion I come to fails to carry any weight at all in the real world?

You see, I’m failing to explain myself because somehow in the midst of all my self doubt about the right course of action I’m blinded by the light of poetry. I’m blinded and called to it and it’s so bright and hot that it’s literally melted everything on the left side the equation.

There’s a certain event in my life that I equate to punctuated equallibrium. That event set the wheels in motion like the Turks capturing Constantinople. Like the Greeks, I fled from that scene with all my texts, Poetry, journals, and art in cardboard boxes and electronic files.

Margo Street was my Italy. Thus began the Renaissance, thus began the evolution. Everything that has transpired since then has been moving me forward and now, today, when I’m faced with a decision about what the right course of action is, it feels as though the answers to all those questions don’t even matter.

Timing is some mystical power the Universe uses to bend us to the will of fate. We might try, with our primitive brains, to explain or even describe it using science and mathematics and history, but the essence of it evades.

That or it’s just the caffeine making me loco. 😜

Back to Reality,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-19 Round Two. Ready…

Fight!

That’s a quick throwback to my youth where I spent many hours in an arcade watching boys play video games. Most noteworthy was street fighter 2 watching Ryu and Ken and whoever that green dude was that rolled himself into a speeding ball and smashed himself into his opponent. Yes.. I was there by choice, and I was getting paid!

Yup.. I got paid minimum wage to man the Aladdin’s Castle in the mall while the owners were away. I did it all. I unstuck tokens, exchanged skeeball tickets for prizes at the redemption desk, and make change for folks who didn’t want to put a 20 into the token machine. My boss was a woman and she was an asshole, but she was never there when I was there so it was all good.

It was a good job for a teenager, except maybe the sound effects that will forever linger in my brain as a result. I’ve always been a hard working dependable person so they liked me. The end of that job was kinda fuzzy but I think there was an incident where I was closing and had a migraine (which was new for me at that age so I didn’t know what it was or what to do). I ended up not doing all the chores for the daily close. Stupid stuff like cleaning the skee-ball lanes and I don’t remember what else.

My boss gave me a hard time about it and I told her I had a headache. I think she must if thought I was lying or she didn’t care. She made a big deal over it anyway. I’m fairly certain I didn’t work there much after that. My tolerance was low for being treated that way.

The arcade thing followed me when I ran away to Vegas. I was 19 and not old enough to deal blackjack and was not cut out for the cocktail-girl gig. I landed at Treasure Island at the ticket redemption desk. So glamorous!

That desk was a stones throw from the most annoying midway game in the history of the universe. Picture 10 clown heads 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡, with balloons attached to tubes coming out of the top of them 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈, and every four or five minutes a group of people raced to shoot water into their mouths which inflated the balloons. Then POP POP POP and a winner was declared and given some shitty prize no doubt from the oriental trading company. Then repeat.. all day long. My gawd.

Going home with the sound of balloons popping echoing in my ear was immeasurably worse than any street fighter noise could ever be. Still, I worked that job until we were sick of the Vegas life (and the Military life which is how we ended up there in the first place, Brian, Mr. Airman First Class and i).

Where was I again? Oh yeah.. Round Two. This is my second post today due to missing yesterday and being awake at 3AM and needing to get my current set list of time commitments out of my brain.

At least it worked. I was able to fall back asleep after that for about two more hours. I’m finally back at the gym this morning and despite all the deadlines looming .. I don’t care. I need this.

Here’s reality.. there’s no way I’m going to bank 25 hours in the next three days for work. There’s no way I’m going to finish the Easthope book. Or Kinzie. Epic fail. I just can’t do either or both really well and that’s a fact. I’m looking forward to the end of the semester, a relief to the pressure.

It sorta feels like a bunch of clown heads racing to the finish and about to pop. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

But you know what I always say which remains true no matter what??.. Time marches on and whatever happens happens. One way or another things will work out, for better or worse. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Ok.. I didn’t say any of that. Someone else did. But if the shoe fits…

Time to Do The Thirsty Thursday Again,

~Miss SugarCookie