2018-10-21 The How-Is-It-Sunday-Again-Already Status

Remember a few short months ago when I was all like “I love Monday’s, Monday’s are great! Monday is one of my favorite days of the week!”?! Yeah, I hope you didn’t believe those lies. I guess the more you come to treasure your weekends, the more it seems to go too fast, the more you are totally bummed to spend your Sunday’s thinking about the fact that you’re not ready for Monday. That’s real life I guess. It was nice while it lasted though.

That’s the trick, to enjoy the current moment while it’s here and not think too much about how things will change or dwell needlessly on tomorrow.

My week and weekend is almost over and I’ve only crossed off like two things from my list and have about 10 more to try and tackle today. The procrastination is REAL and I honestly wonder what I’ve actually done. Perhaps today’s status report will reveal the truth? Let’s find out…

Sleep.. 7 hours and 35 minutes average sleep per night. Ok so I slept more. That explains a little. It’s sort of misleading though since I was sick for most of the week. Being heavily medicated will do that to a person, plus I had a few serious naps which is factored in on the FitBit calculation. Last Sunday I collectively slept for 10 hours. Wow.

Exercise/Steps.. 16K steps per day and that’s more than it has been in a while. I spent considerable time in the gym on the treadmill and doing yard work. When I don’t feel well and my brain can’t focus, I can still move my body. It’s really one of the only things I can do to not feel terrible about not accomplishing much else.

Food/Healthy Eating.. Forget about it.

School.. I met with my mentor on Tuesday despite having the longest day in the history of the world and she extended my next deadline to next Wednesday. I’m therefore deep in the weeds of trying to get that done. Seriously contemplating taking a semester off. I’m in it to win it, I just want to take my time. I want to learn.

Work.. I only worked about 25 hours this past week. Whatever. The good news is that I was mostly doing things that I enjoy. This week coming up will also be a short one too. I’ve got two PTO days planned for different reasons and will not be working the weekend at all.

Relationship Status.. Engaged and loving life. Looking forward to an amazing life together.

What else? Oh, a few months ago I included a new status about what show I’m watching. I’ve really not kept up with reporting on that. Jim and I finished watching the Colony series and I highly recommend that for any fellow sci-fi, dystopian fiction nerds. It was awesome.

We’ve just started a new show called “Maniac”. We’re just two episodes in and it’s too early to make a judgement call on it. So far very interesting and weird. Really weird.

I would also share what books I’m reading but it’s all poetry and “ain’t nobody got time for that”.. including me apparently. /sigh

That’s it for this week. Peace, ☮️

~Miss SugarCookie


2018-10-19 Friday Scrambles (thoughts from a very white girl)

Scrambled egg whites and scrambled thoughts for your Friday Feels…

Have you ever had scrambled egg whites? It’s certainly healthier than regular scrambled eggs but somehow against nature and the laws of balance in the Universe. First of all, separating the egg yolk and tossing it away is such a waste. Would you ever buy another product and then proceed to throw half of it away? Especially something that was perfectly good and delicious? Nope.. not this girl! That’s crazy talk.

Second of all, if you have ever actually done this, you would learn that the resulting product is really white. I mean, scrambled eggs are yellow. That’s what they look like, so staring at a plate of fluffy whiter than white like Small town Iowa-heartland-of-the-Midwest-middle-school white just sort of makes me lose my appetite. It’s just plain wrong (not that there’s anything wrong with being a white kid growing up in Iowa — I WAS that kid), it just doesn’t seem natural for scrambled eggs to look like that.

Being real now, there were very few African Americans in my town growing up. In high-school there were about 235 people in my graduating class and maybe 1 person who was African American. I honestly don’t recall if we even had any Latinos or people with Asian heritage. Talk about a sheltered upbringing. Wow! 😯

So you can imagine the culture shock when I turned 19 and got married and moved to Las Vegas. We were in the Air Force and stationed at Nellis AFB. We lived in North Las Vegas, just outside of the base. Saying it was a bad neighborhood would be seriously sugar coating the fact that it was gang central. I mean, up to that point I had only heard stories about bloods and crypts and prostitutes in North Omaha. That stuff didn’t seem real. I felt the same way about that as I did the stories in the Bible – since I didn’t see it for myself it was all just myth. For the record, I still don’t believe most of what’s in the Bible. I’m definitely a have-to-see-it-to-believe-it kind of a girl.

Really real now… some white dudes made that shit up a long time ago to serve some of their own “needs”. Don’t believe me? Try googling why Catholics do the fish Friday thing during lent. The REAL reason. I’ll sum it up for you.. the fishing industry was suffering and to boost their economy they lobbied the Catholic Church for help. #truth

That last paragraph is what is called “freedom of speech” (actually this whole blog is my flexing my right to free speech) and if you believed that statement about the Catholic church just now without verifying it, then you’ve fallen into the same trap that the entire media has set for the general public. They are reporting news so it must be true right? We trust them because they are SUPPOSED to report true facts. Guess what? The cake is a lie. Listen closely and you will hear somewhere in each questionable “news” story – “this is so far not verifiable information”. That’s the out. We can say whatever we want as long as we add the disclaimer that we aren’t really sure that is what happened.

Dude gets kidnapped, reportedly tortured and murdered, dismembered and beheaded. That’s pretty specific CNN! How can you live with reporting those details without proof? Are you trying to insight rage?! Are you trying to start a WAR? I mean investigators from Turkey and Saudi Arabia and the US have not completed their investigation so how can you possibly report on the details yet? Leaked info? Maybe, but without a “verifiable source” you are delinquent in your responsibility to report the truth.

I called out CNN but it’s not just them – it’s ALL the news agencies. They all report certain news stories a certain way and chose to report or not report something. If somehow a situation will reflect negatively on the president, then CNN is all over it and Fox News is holding back. If the situation were reversed somehow and the news hurts the dems, Fox would be all over that shit. See what I mean about spinning the story to suit your own agenda?!

Oh wow! Who put that soap-box right there? I can’t believe I’ve scrambled myself into talking about my hatred for the media. Hate is a strong word but call a spade a spade I guess. When is a spade not a spade? ♠️ When it’s not a spade. 😜

I started writing about scrambled eggs and ended up talking about the media. Haha. Anyway, so when I moved to Vegas I learned really quickly what it felt like to be the minority. As far as skin color goes, I was already the whitest person in the whitest town growing up. I’m seriously white. Once I went to Puerto Vallarta and did some adventure touring. Some hiking, boating, and Zip lining. When the group was introducing themselves, saying their name and where they were from, I said “hi my name is Shyla and I’m from Iowa”.

Our guide looked at me and said “what color are you anyway?”. 😂 #truth! This statement can’t be verified however because I’m my own source. Wait, my friend Amy was there with me, I wonder if she remembers that?!

I was presumably the whitest person this dude had ever seen. The other thing I remember about that adventure tour is that our guide told us it was forbidden to wear sunscreen as we would be coming in contact with natural spring water that was not to be contaminated with chemicals. The look on my face was probably like “say what now?!” No sunscreen?! 😱 Ummm not gonna happen. Didn’t you just ask me what color I was? If I don’t wear sunscreen in Mexico, I die. Of course I ignored their request and lathered on my SPF 100 anyway. Come to think on it, it’s one of very few times I’ve actually been a rule breaker. In my defense, my safety was at stake so that makes it ok. Sunscreen in the name of self-defense. 😜

Back to Vegas… I was so much in the minority (and very few people living in Vegas are actually from Vegas) so when I had my interview at the Treasure Island in 1993 the director of the department actually asked me “you’re like a Mormon from Utah right?”. Yeah, that was back in the day managers could ask questions like that in job interviews and not bring the pain of a law suit. I was like “no, I’m from Iowa”, and I held back revealing that I think our lord and savior, Jesus Christ, is just a myth.

I should have said “Well I’ve seen prostitutes now and know that they are real so I guess anything is possible”. But I was too sheepish for saying things like that back then. Now? Now I’m writing it in my public blog so I guess I’ve come a long way. Now I don’t give a fuck, (mostly). Ask me anything, I’ll tell you what I really think.

I’ll tell you what I think about organized religion, or our juvenile, corrupt president, or this crazy weather we are having. I’ll tell you what I think about the media. And for the love of all the cheese and rice in the Universe, I’m certainly not afraid to tell you what I think about eating scrambled egg-whites. It’s just wrong.

That’s it for today’s Friday Feels. I hope you enjoyed it! 😉

Love from the non-Mormon,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-10-18 Book Covers Can Be Challenging

Most people have heard the saying, “Don’t judge a book by its cover”. It’s such a true statement both literally and figuratively. Most of the time it’s easy to pick up a book and dismiss anything that’s off-putting and continue to read the jacket descriptions, praises, and book summary. Even if those are questionable, we might still flip to the first chapter to begin reading and judging the content for ourselves. I would contend, even strongly urge that we, as human beings, try to do the same with people.

When I say “people”, I’m referring to both the individual and any collective group. Let us not judge the Saudi “people” for the actions of their history or society or ruling class. Let us also not hold our ill will against any one person we might cross paths with for the sins of their fathers. That sounds very preachy, but it’s coming from a genuine place that believes that all humans are equal in their right to live with certain rights and to be treated fairly.

It’s obvious that human beings have a long and shameful past of violating each other in quite despicable ways. It’s overwhelming to think about and, while not acceptable, it is a fact we all have to come to terms with in our own way in our daily lives because it’s not going to subside magically one day. There’s no crop dust we can circle the globe with that will make people wake up and just want peace and love for their fellow Earth dwellers. No, the acts of injustice will continue. As we learn how to cope with this personally, we should not just think about it and speak about it, but also act about it.

A journalist went missing. There’s foul play involved which was possibly perpetrated on orders from people at a very high level. Yesterday, the final words from that journalist were published, unedited as it is being accepted that this person is dead. Probably murdered. Investigations are ongoing. That’s all I know from looking at this situation very peripherally. My distaste and mistrust of the media in general keeps me from digging too deep. I’m trying to employ my own ideals about how we should not judge a group (in my case the media) by the actions of a few people. It’s certainly challenging but my mind remains open and accepting and I want to learn more of this story.

The message of this journalist is a powerful one and he’s calling for change. He’s suggesting allowing a freedom of speech among people who historically have not had that. In doing so he’s making a statement about that history and about the injustice of it and also how that continues in the present tense. That’s quite a brave position to take and he might have paid the ultimate price for his words.

Thinking about how this person may have been murdered for actively participating in, and advocating the very thing that he was trying to change is quite a loaded gun. I could lament more about how this makes me feel, but that is not the point. My point is that this is just the cover of the book and judging the Saudi people by what is happening right now, or by the actions of a few people, or what the history of their people is, is not the right thing to do. Instead, we should have an open mind and be driven by logic and reason and not by emotional reactions.

I have a friend who is from Saudi Arabia and he is one of the kindest, most gentle souls I have ever met. I would never in a million years judge him or think any less of him because of things that transpire continents away. I knew him before 911, he was a student here in the US and close friends with friends of mine. For me, he was just another person we would hang out with from time to time. He welcomed me into his home, cooked for me, and treated me as an equal. There was a time after 911 that he could not get a visa to visit the United States and we had very little contact. He is now able to visit again and though I do not see him very often, I still call him friend and he is the same as ever – thoughtful, positive, and welcoming. It’s easy to NOT judge a person who you have known for so many years. It is not as easy with strangers or people whom you are meeting for the first time or people who are on the other side of the globe.

When I am in public places and passing by people with different backgrounds and cultural origins, I think of my friend, and try to give everyone the same courtesy. Many of us don’t know what it must be like to be a foreigner in another country where the people judge you and dismiss you as if they know what is in your heart. Most Americans are actually pretty ignorant about what it is like being raised in a society which has a culture and history that is so different than our own. Applying logic and reason, we should not look negatively at or act upon any one person from Saudi Arabia or anywhere else, frankly, based on the book cover of their life. We should also not be so assuming about the group of people you would call the Saudi people. Making a leap of faith, this thought process and approach can be translated to any group – people categorized or collectively identifying as a certain race, religion, culture, gender, age, or sexual orientation.

Today it would be easy for individuals/Americans to use this latest tragedy to fuel fires of anger and hatred against another group of people. It would be shameful if the death of this journalist was reduced into a reason for putting up more walls and closing off doors or harboring ill feelings. It would not be productive if there was “group” reaction or retaliation. I’m not advocating that we sweep this under a rug and forget about it, as what he lived for and what he died for is near and dear to my heart. I am emotionally moved by his message and believe in his words, that people (even if it is the media) should have the right to free speech. I’m not suggesting that we turn a blind eye to that, I’m simply making a point that we should not pull our fire sticks and pitchforks out and declare it a witch-hunt. I’m proposing that we not judge “people” by the circumstances they were born into.

I do hope that the truth about what has happened to this man can be uncovered. If it can be, then the individual persons responsible should be judged and treated appropriately. The full truth, however, may be elusive, as it often is, and we can’t simply jump to conclusions based on the picture on the front of the book. Instead, let us open it and take in a chapter or two. Let us continue to read and be open to positive change and inch toward being a more compassionate and empathetic people. After all, we are collectively all belonging to the biggest group of people on Earth, and that is the human race, attempting to co-exist for a very short period of time together in this life.

For Peace,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-10-17 Rinse and Repeat

I might thrive on routine but I’m sort of sick of the current 45 I’m going round and round on.

I woke up twice last night, the first time was because I was so congested I could not breathe and the second time I hacked up my second lung. That’s right, I don’t have lungs anymore and the fact that I’m writing this without the ability to supply my body with oxygen is a goddamned miracle. Call the Pope, he needs to get his ass over here and verify this shit. 😜

Anyway, yeah, the second time I woke up it was about 6am and I literally coughed for half an hour. I never went back to sleep. I just got up and got dressed and got in my car and drove to wal-Mart. Better to go at 6:30AM when almost nobody is there and get a few things that have been accumulating on my list. I was home by 7:15, just in time to get the kids up for school.

The rest of the story is already written – morning routine, gym, work, chores, more work, kids come home from school, dinner, evening routine (which now thankfully includes talking to my love), and then to bed and sleep. That’s it. Rinse and repeat.

If I’m lucky I’ll still have energy in the afternoon and evening to work on school stuff. I now have a new deadline for my next packet and it’s a short 7 days away. I need to get my ass in gear and finish (cough-cough, start) writing some essays. If there’s anything that really needs to change, this is it. Me typing that feels like a broken record too. The big questions are how and when? Ugh.

If I’m struggling this much now, just think how it will be next year when I’m selling my house and moving?! 😱 I don’t want to think about that.

What I think I really need is a day off and to just go back to bed. I think I said that a couple of days ago. Nothing has changed. Well today it’s out of the question because I’ve got too much work to do. Again I’m all like “how and when”? Friday needs to get here. I may try and dedicate my whole weekend to sleep and school and sleep and school. Let’s try that 45 on for size? It would also be nice if I grew a new pair of lungs between now and then. Throw in some sinuses in good working order and two teenagers that magically decide to get along again. Now THAT would be the real miracle!! 😂

Time to move on to the next track in the rotation.

Pieces of Eight, Nine, and Ten,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-10-16 Remember That?

Hey, do you remember back in 2016 when my life was going to shit and I was in a serious downward spiral that landed me in a very dark place? No? Oh that’s right, I wasn’t blogging publicly then yet.

Well during that time I experienced a phenomenon which was like relationship max-out. I basically told my story and lamented to just about everyone close to me and did that so much that my own mom basically said “you need to get over this”, and then suggested I go see a counselor or therapist or something. I was a sad song stuck on repeat.

I started to feel very isolated because of that. Like I had used up all my friendships and could not go back to the well for more support. Well, the truth is that I don’t have that many close friends. I felt like I was being a burden on people and a serious downer if i continued to lament and complain. As if people would stop wanting to listen if all I did was talk about my uncontrollable crying fits. It was seriously rotten.

I think the only person who didn’t seem to mind hearing me go on and on about things was Joshua. His life is a broken record too so he was open to hearing my tune go on and on for months. He was my closest friend that year and I’ll be forever grateful for that outlet no matter how potentially dysfunctional it was.

I go back and forth on whether dysfunctional is too harsh a word. The history with him and the dynamics of our relationship are atypical. He was an instigating Force in my divorce. He repeated that with Matt and I let it happen. I welcomed it. I both loved and hated him for what had happened. I blamed him and I blamed myself. Now that it’s all over and in the past, I can accept the lions share of that blame. I can see just how messed up his life is and how he may never get out of his own cycle of madness.

I’ve recovered and my life is now better than it has ever been. He and I have very little contact and the “power” he once had over me has dissolved into nothing. He’s found another girl to replace me here locally and also keeps embers smoldering with his long distance fling in STL. I don’t think he’ll ever break out of his pattens, but I hope I’m wrong. I do wish he would find what he’s truly looking for like I have.

What was my point again? Oh yeah, the feelings I’ve had about “using up” all the people in my life and feeling all alone in my sorrow. I don’t wish that on anyone. Everyone needs someone they can lean on continuously. I think that’s one of the benefits of being in a long term relationship. You always have that person, no matter what. That’s one of the things I didn’t have with my marriage. Neither one of us were that for each other. And then what happens when they are the person causing you the most grief. That’s when you know it’s all wrong.

I’m so grateful for having found Jim. He’s the kindest, most supportive and understanding person I have ever met. Literally.

I’ve now been sick for 8 days and today is day 3 of antibiotics. Last night I took a ton of drugs for my symptoms and slept for about 9 hours. It wasn’t 9 hours straight.. it was cut in the middle by a coughing spell so bad I thought I was going to hack up a lung. I couldn’t even lay back down after that. I basically propped myself up and tried to fall asleep in that position.

This morning I woke up at 7 with the alarm and realized that my life doesn’t care I’m sick. It Doesn’t want me to rest and recover. I still have to get the kids up and to school. I still have to address the fact that my star student is suffering in her grades this year and is stressed to the max. I have to deal with my ass-hat ex-husband who continues to do shit he knows pushes my buttons. I still have to get my hours in at work and my bosses don’t care I’m sick. I still have only 5 days to put together my next packet for school which, outside of writing some really shitty new poetry, I have done nothing for. Ugh!! 😑

What was my point again? Oh yeah, the feeling like a burden constantly complaining about something. Apparently I don’t have the same problem writing about the same things over and over. I’m sure it’s not something someone wants to read over and over, but whatever. The good news is that now I’ve got Jim too and he’s been supportive as ever. Not just in the last week of being sick but each thing I’ve struggled with. The stress of work, the BS with my ex, the needing to tune out the world to get the school stuff done. He’s been a great listener and offered some good advice. He’s been understanding when I was short on time and sacrificing our time together to catch up. I could not ask for a better partner. I’m one lucky girl. 🍀

In 2016 I was so desperate and alone and could not imagine ever feeling happy again. Now it’s 2018 and I can’t imagine ever feeling desperate and alone again. I have to remember that the future is unpredictable and whatever you can’t imagine, can come to pass. For that reason, you have to enjoy each and every day for what it is… a gift (even if you are sick and tired).

Feeling Grateful,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-10-15 Can I Get a Do-Over?

The short story…. I’m still sick and it sucks. Today is day seven with whatever sickness this is. It’s getting really old. During the day I’ve got a sore throat and a lot of general soreness all over. My muscles ache. As soon as I lay down the congestion blocks my sinuses completely and keeps me from breathing through my nose. I also have these random coughing fits that keep happening. It’s just rotten.

I typically try to operate normally, or as if I’m on the mend. In truth I don’t know what to do. I’m not sick very often and I don’t know how to take care of myself or get good rest. On Saturday there was too much that needed to get done anyway.

It was a great 60 degree fall day out and knowing that in less than 24 hours there would be snow, time was of the essence. Jim and I rescued 5 outdoor plants in pots, 3 hibiscus and 2 palms, that would have probably not made it through the night outside. We got them all safely back to the house and situated in nice sunny spots inside.

We also did a bunch of other errands around town and consequently I didn’t get a lot of rest. I really felt like I might be feeling better as the day went on but then overnight Saturday was miserable and I woke Sunday feeling like total dog-dodo again.

We did end up spending most of the day Sunday lounging around the house talking and marveling at the mid-October snow fall. Jim took good care of me and encouraged me to just rest. In the afternoon he did some catch up on Work and I took a two hour nap. All I can think now is this has to be close to the end of whatever this sickness is. Not only am I not used to being sick, but when I have gotten sick I’m used to bouncing back quickly. This not feeling well has made the week seem to drag on forever. It also made me feel like I missed the weekend completely.

Waking up today I felt a little better. Had better sleep than Saturday night and so now I really am hoping Im on the mend. I’m sad the weekend is over and am not looking forward to starting the week yet. I’d like just one more day of weekend. Alas, it’s Monday and back to the grind anyway. Work, school, kids, chores, blah, blah, blah. Wow, I sound really negative.

Perhaps if I get rolling with my day I’ll feel better. I’m resisting though. I just want to start the weekend over again. /deep sigh.

Sick and Tired,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-10-12 Fighting Through to Get those Friday Feels

I’m still sick and just decided that instead of continuing to feel sorry for myself, I’m just going to try and fight through it. I woke from another sub-par night of sleep with my nasal passages completely blocked and a terrible headache. I hit that shit with pain meds and an extra dose of caffeine. I did the mom thing, getting the kids to school and hit the gym to get some kick-ass cardio.

In truth, I’m on the road to recovery. Being upright I’m not as congested and my throat is scratchy and my voice sounds an octive too low but at Lear that doesn’t hurt like it did a few days ago. It’s just the rotten sleep that’s a serious bummer. I had been considering calling today a total sick day and just not doing anything (work related), but the reality is that I can take it easy and just do a little of this and that and not push too hard. I don’t have any crappy meetings today so that helps tremendously.

In the past week I’ve had several conversations with my bosses and I think I’m finally getting through to them with my points about too many projects and being over-allocated on time. I’ve been here before. It’s not my first rodeo with this situation. It may not be a problem this week, but the future looks precarious and we can’t predict the timing of when everything will start to move quickly. It’s not necessarily about the possible avalanche of work that may or may not happen. It’s about living with the perception that it’s about to happen. That “unknown” is just as detrimental to a planner like me than the reality of how things may all work out ok.

The good news is that they have the right attitude about it. Their take was very accommodating, I proposed that these 30 hours that I work should be spent however they need me most, but that they need to determine what that looks like. That was me drawing a serious line in the sand with regards to the number. I’d love to dial back to 25 but I can’t right now with the health insurance requirement that I stay “close” to full time. I mean, I’m already pushing that envelope with all my time off for vacation and school.

They countered my proposal by saying that they know people are most productive doing things they enjoy and asked me to prioritize my current tasks by personal preference. They asked what I WANT to be doing. I was completely open. No holding back. I don’t like the PM stuff. I don’t mind being the person doing the organization and documentation behind the scenes, but I don’t like being the front person, the person doing the talking. That’s my social anxiety rearing it’s ugly head but it’s the truth. They asked and I gotta be true to who I am. I’m so over “pushing” myself to be something so counter to who I am, at least at work. Especially if they are giving me an option.

I know they mean what they say because they have already worked out how and when they can roll me off two projects where I’m the acting PM. That alone makes me feel so much better about the future, but it also shows me they are committed to making their employees happy. That’s tough to find. I mean, I’m filling in where they needed me and now they are growing and have the ability to hire people better suited for specific roles. That’s awesome!! It’s a win-win-win. It doesn’t necessarily solve my time puzzle, but it certainly helps.

I still have to figure out how to spend more time on School AND navigate the year to come moving and getting married and keeping my kids on the right track. I’ve got a few ideas about how to best do all that too and I’m confident It’s all going to work out just fine.

Why is it that whenever I have extra caffeine things always seem so positive? I mean, I’m in a great mood now compared to this time yesterday despite still having the same amount of work and responsibility and deadlines. And despite the rotten sleep and still being sick. I suppose the fact that it’s finally Friday and I get to spend the whole weekend with my Love helps. We have nothing we “have” to do which is great. It’s wide open for whatever we want. 😍

I might even be able to spend a descent amount of time on reading and writing. How novel!! 😜 Time to hit it and git it!

Peace Out,

~Miss SugarCookie