2017-02-28 The Struggle

I’m constantly putting myself and my life under a microscope. Then the pendulum swings and I’m 10,000 feet above myself and wondering “Why am I here and what is the purpose of it all?”

I eat too much because I enjoy the taste of the food and it brings me satisfaction but then I’m unhappy about the way I look or feel.

I sometimes drink because I just want to get that quick easy feeling but then lose track of how much and end up regretting it.

Sometimes I leave my kids alone in the house to go workout. Exercising makes me feel good, but after the fact I feel guilty about not spending more time with them.

Sometimes I want to feel too much, but then I’m overcome by it and find myself back at the beginning… Magnifying glass in hand.

I give myself breaks and then I crack down hard. I set goals, but then make excuses for myself when I don’t live up to my own expectations. I’m accountable to everyone and no one. I’m a walking, talking, bonafide hypocrite. Or maybe I’m not. I just don’t know.

I want to get more sleep, but then I stay up late when I know that I have a limited amount of time before I have to be up and working. I should go to sleep now, but I don’t want to. I want to write and listen to music and try to find words to express every single moment I felt today that made me happy to be alive. So making a choice ends up being so tough. Either way, one thing loses and the other one wins.

It’s a constant struggle. What will tomorrow bring? Will there be answers? There is only one way to know for certain…

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