Oh holy hell where do I begin? I’ve been on the verge of tears all week and had one thing after another pushing me right up to that edge. I don’t think I’ve cried this much since the first week in January. I guess when it rains it pours and some of these things were probably inevitable but does everything need to come piling on top of me in the same week?
Tuesday I went to dinner with a friend I have not really talked to in a long time. We ran into each other at a story telling event several weeks ago and after that he texted me and suggested that we meet up for dinner. A few more weeks went by and then the timing was much better. He recently (like this week) started a new job and happened to mention to me that at his old job he worked with a girl named Lindsey.
When the subject of Matt came up, he told me he heard from her that I broke up with Matt in an email. Now I can count on one hand the number of people I know who know that, so i was immediately curious as to how this person I’ve never met knows that. Then he says, “She dated Matt”. Say what?!!
I wanted more details which he just did not have. No idea of when it started, or clarification on what “dating” meant, or if they went out a couple of times or are still seeing each other. Just that one statement. Except, oh, he told her we (him and I) used to date. That’s a whole other Miss SugarCookie story, and it did happen after my divorce and before meeting Matt. In the moment though, it made me feel like it paints a picture of me just wandering around town dating different developers. I’ve legit dated like 3 people my entire life, if you can count what him and I were doing dating and I don’t know why it would bug me to have him say that to her, but it did. Probably because I freaking care too much about what people think of me.
More to that.. if all Lindsey had to say about it was that “I broke up with Matt in an email”, then that means that’s what he told her about it. And again, I’m not that person..I’m an in-person sort of person. It was a really long year and it is true that the third time I called it quits was via email but not knowing the whole backstory and taking that one bit of information out of context makes me feel like dog doo-doo.
I get why he might have done that. Dating someone new, you want to keep the story simple and not divulge too much. If you really like the person, you don’t want to scare them away. If he is still seeing her and intends to keep seeing her, I would hope that at some point she would get more of the story. Or perhaps that’s selfish on my part and not entirely necessary. It’s just another thing I have to figure out how to deal with. Just lovely.
Even if I can somehow set aside wondering what people think of me it does not change the actual new news. I can’t help but wonder what the timing was of when he started seeing her. September is when I really tried to convince him to come back to me. October I was desperate and in denial. November I was just heartbroken and sad and by December, I was very much an angry person and wanted to put my palm up to the holidays and say “talk to the hand”. Through all of it though, I had slivers of hope I was clinging to. A text, an email, a 45 minute phone call that just felt so right. Yes, I had to go to Mexico alone and that sucked but he said he needed time and space and by December I was finally accepting that is what I had to do. But I never dreamed time and space meant start dating other people.
I knew it was always a possibility. In the fall, it was my biggest fear. He’s a good guy with a lot going for him and is more social and does more networking so it was only a matter of time before he would meet someone. The thought of it made me physically sick to my stomach. He was always My Matt. He’s not allowed to be someone else’s Matt – it just seemed so unfair. Later, I had dismissed that notion because either it was too painful and I was trying to protect myself or because I had been given breadcrumbs of hope along the way that led me to believe there was a possibility we could still find our way back to each other.
I also understand why he didn’t say anything to me about it, because he would never want to hurt my feelings. At the same time, if I had known he was just moving on, then it may have made my grieving process a lot different. Maybe more like “ripping the band aid off” and less of a cycle of denying the wound exists, and being angry about it, and regretting the injury ever happened sort of situation. I’ll never really know. It’s all just out of my control.
What is in my control, however, is to make sure I take the opportunity to set the record straight, even if it was only for one person. That is what I did with my friend at dinner when he came out with the info he had. I didn’t hesitate to tell him the backstory from my perspective. It’s not a secret after all. My life is an open book for anyone who might ask me. Just ask me. Like I said, I hate it when things are taken out of context. Maybe Matt did tell her more and that was all she was willing to say to other people. I can’t know that either. And it is really none of my business. I just have to figure out how to let it all go.
Anyway, this bomb was dropped on Tuesday, so when Wednesday arrived, it was on my mind constantly. I eluded to the fact that I had several meet ups that day with friends, so I had people to talk to about it, but that did not keep me from crying in my car driving to and fro and holding back tears sitting at my desk trying to do work. Just rotten.
And that is just the first bomb of the week. I’ve already gone on too long so the rest will have to wait another day. It’s already super late and not technically even the 17th anymore. I need to get to sleep.
For my Irish and Irish-ish friends out there.. Slainte!!