Let’s call this one the sequel to the post I wrote last Thursday. That one was inspired by the good vibes I was having just being more real in my work environment and not “sugar coating” so much to make appearances. This one might be the flip side of that, which is to say that no measure of “real” is going to help me “let go” of the emotion that I have attached to my present situation.
Perhaps writing about it will help some. Perhaps venting a little to my new boss might also, as long as I can be re-assured that what I say does not leave the room. I think the less “visible” I can be, the longer I can hold off that big change that I really feel is inevitable.
In 2015 I felt a real amount of anxiety about the political climate at my workplace. That was coming off 2014 when 1/3 of the company was laid off and those of us that were left were tasked with keeping things together and making things run smooth with 1/3 less people. It wasn’t easy. That year there was also some shift in executive management that was probably not transparent to some folks, but I was affected by it, along with my so-called “career path”. Through all of that, I held on.
I held on and still continued to try my damnedest to meet all expectations. I held on and told myself it was a temporary setback. I held on and put my focus on just trying to get shit done. That got me through, but instead of getting better, it all just got worse. 2016 was made worse by the increased workload, by more culture shock from upper management, and, of course, by my own personal issues and the demise of my 5 year relationship. It was all pretty devastating.
Now here I am four months into 2017 and almost weekly contemplate quitting my job. The sine wave of my feeling on this subject has increased frequency and amplitude and some of that can be attributed to my emotional state in general, but for the most part, it’s still just the atmosphere at work. If I am being perfectly honest, it’s turned into a damn dictatorship where people can’t even have a voice. And people who are made to feel like they are walking on eggshells, don’t tend to hang out near the eggshells. At least I don’t. I spent too many years of my life doing that.
If there is one thing I learned from my past experiences it is that it’s not worth it to stay in a situation which constantly makes you unhappy or worse, is detrimental to your health. Life is too short for that shit. The big change I’m contemplating involves a change that is bigger than just finding a new job, it’s finding a new path. I’m not entirely sure exactly what that means, but I’ve started really putting thought into my next moves and the moves after that. If there is anything that is help level off the sine waves, it’s thinking about what is on my horizon. It is more therapeutic than any amount of venting. That’s how I know it’s inevitable. That’s how I know it’s real.
It’s 5:22AM and I’ve been awake since about 3:45. I wake up thinking about all of this and can’t sleep. Once I’m awake, I’m awake. I had 3.5 hours of sleep and that is how I know that this work thing is detrimental to my health. It needs to get solved. For real, real.
Time to do Tuesday,