2017-04-11 On Music and Memory

Have you ever heard a song at it reminded you of a person or a place or a time in your life? Of course you have, because we are auditory creatures and we associate things we hear with other experiences we are having at the same time.

Tonight, when I was getting steps in at the gym and really just finishing up by doing some final laps around the pool, Bush started to sing Glycerine in my ear. I am not certain when that song or album came out but I do recall exactly where I was  when it was it first got stuck in my head.

The year was 1993 and I was living in Las Vegas. I was newly married to Brian who was stationed at Nellis AFB. We were on a Sunday bowling league on base and I remember hearing that song and subsequently hearing it over and over and over again. From that time forward, I always think of that time and that place when I hear that song. Tonight it made a rush of sadness wash over me and I really was not ready for that.

I’d been thinking about Facebook, you know, and how I recently saw Sandy’s picture. Her and Andrew got married and they have a couple of really cool snaps of the two of them together on their special day. That was the start of it. Then I hear this song and it reminds me I had my special day. I had my pictures. That was me like a gazillion years ago and it all went to shit.

It was so long ago I can’t remember how happy I was, or if I was even happy. I’m sure I was happy. Right? The lyrics to the song reverberate in my brain “don’t let the days go by…”

Then I can’t help but think “God Damnit, was that it? Was that my time and it’s gone now and I won’t ever have that again? Will I get another chance? Will something, someday, sometime happen to change things and I can have that feeling again? The feeling of being so loved by someone that they want to spend the rest of their life with you?”

I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t even begin to contemplate how long life is and how may possible outcomes there are. It’s just a terrible feeling to hear a song and be reminded of something that should make you happy but instead it makes you sad. It’s like every picture and artifact I had to bundle up this past winter so as not to have constant reminders that I’ve failed again. Probably folks would say that I’m being too hard on myself, but failure is what it feels like.

Now I’ve been up for 18 hours and quite literally punch drunk from sleep deprivation and so hungry and not able to focus on anything. I’ll probably read this tomorrow and not be able to make any sense of it. At the very least, I need to go get some food.

I just hope the iPhone shuffle doesn’t have any more surprises for me. Might I suggest “Happy” by Pharrell Williams? Or some Buble to lull me to sleep?

Shuffle Me Up,
Miss SugarCookie

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