After having our phone conversation a few weeks ago there were a couple of email exchanges between Matt and I and then radio silence. I’m the one who decided to break the silence this time.. with a text. I don’t know why I was compelled to do that. I just wanted the contact.
Perhaps it’s because I hadn’t heard anything for a while and perhaps it’s because I felt the need to reach out since I was flying today. It doesn’t matter, the responses have been there and all good. If I’m being honest, I just miss him. We’ve never really had any ‘closure conversation’ about us. Perhaps we won’t.
I’d like to know if he’s seeing someone. I mean, I know he ‘dated’ Lindsey, but not sure what the status of that is now. Really it’s none of my business, but knowing more might help me. I recognize if that comes up, I’d better be prepared to answer the same question.
Then I have to ask myself.. Am I dating someone? The answer?.. Well, it’s complicated.
I have not actively sought out someone to date in a romantic capacity and I held on to hope for so long that things were going to work out with Matt and I that I never really considered the idea of going down that road again. I knew I would eventually but my heart needed time to heal. However, my friend Josh has been beside me all along.
He was a soundboard last year when I was mustering the courage to call it quits with Matt. He was a good motivator in terms of me staying at the gym and continuing my efforts to be healthy and get in better shape. He offered me a shoulder to cry on and was there to listen as I went into “Trainwreck” mode.
He was reliably on the other end of the imaginary line that connects our two phones. That stability and dependability have been monumentally important. We had continual contact. I need the continual contact. When you go through something tough, sometimes you don’t see it until you come out the other side. Now I see it. But it’s still complicated.
He might be one of my closest friends at this point, but we’re not “for each other” in a relationship capacity. He’s told me that. I’ve told him that. We have an understanding about it. It’s mutual. Our lives are not compatible. I can’t predict what will happen in the future.. but in this case, I’m pretty confident.
That being said, I’m still going to ride the feelings I have to where they lead me. With Josh, I don’t have to wonder about continued contact because I trust it. That’s something I can’t say about too many other people, including Matt. Put that on the list of reasons we’re not together anymore. Maybe that is some learned behavior that can change or maybe it is inherent in a person or their lifestyle or way of thinking. I’m not sure.
What I do know is that every time I look at my situation from a different angle, I learn something more about myself. Today it’s about that essential lifeline and THAT, my friends, is something I can’t live without.
“Hello? Are You There?”,