Sometimes you see someone you have not seen in a really long time and they have their kid with them and the last time you saw them he or she was just a baby. You realize when you look this snarky teenager up and down that 15 years have gone by. How could that be?
Sometimes I don’t stop and think about the passage of time unless this happens or there is a certain date on the calendar that reminds me of something that happened long ago. Today was one of those days.
This day in history was the day I got married. It was a long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I was 19 years old and had no idea what being an adult was all about, let alone making a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. I wasn’t brought up with good ole’ church values to know what it meant when I made vows before God and all those witnesses that I would love and obey my husband until death due us part. I certainly did not understand what for better or worse meant. When you are a middle-class nineteen the worst think you can think of is not having a car to go where you want or not getting to stay out past curfew. So how was I to know?
Anyway, that really does feel like a galaxy away now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and when I come across a wedding photo, I can’t believe my parents even let me get married or encouraged it. If my daughter told me she was getting married anytime before she was 25, I would sit her down and have a long serious talk with her.
Today I was in the office, sort of waiting for something other than nothing to happen. I was just going about my business and suddenly this complete sadness crept into my world. On top of all the things I am dealing with now, work and Matt and Josh. On top of my “any minute now” monthly cycle starting. On top of my perpetual tired feeling, I have this. Sing it with me as I limbo.. “How low can you go”?
I’m back home and any minute now, Josh is going to pick me up and take me for a coffee. I told him it wasn’t a good idea because I was in a really low place. I told him I wasn’t going to be good company. He’s coming over anyhow.
It’s raining out now, just like it did on my wedding day. As I stare out the window of my office and the drops of rain come in and out of focus on the glass, I wonder if I will ever get married again. I wonder if the sun will shine on my face as I smile up at the person I was destined to be with. I wonder how he will propose and if it will be as magical as I have dreamed. I wonder if that moment will cause all the memories of the moments that came before to shift and fade. I wonder if I will ever remember this moment in time after that one has happened.
I can’t see out into the future but I sure hope those kinds of moments are yet to come. Right now, it’s tough to even consider that a possibility. Perhaps in some other distant place and time in yet another galaxy far, far away.
Another Day in the Life,