… of the year.
In January at my sisters wedding I was drunk texting my friend Rebecca in Austin and taking pictures of the reception. I remember thinking how beautiful my sister was in her dress and how happy everyone was and how much fun it was out on the dance floor. At that moment, there was a tight group of her and her friends just kind of clustered together in the middle of the floor and I don’t remember what song was playing but they were just singing and dancing. It made me happy. I sent that pic to Rebecca.
Even though I’d been drinking, I still remember her reply so well. She said she had a feeling this was going to be my year. She knows my ups and downs and how the last few years have been rough. 2015 was tough and 2016 was just miserable. At the time of that exchange I remember thinking “holy hell I hope you are right. I can’t take another year like that”. I also had this feeling that she was right. Some positivity nestled deep down inside of me that was just ready to bust out and explode all over the place. I wanted so badly for her to be right and for that feeling to be set free. I wanted it to happen and quick like a flip of a switch. But life isn’t like that.
No. Life is slow and methodical and often unpredictable. Through January and February and March and April, I continued to struggle. I’d make forward progress, but then find myself sitting alone thinking about all questions great and small and wondering why I still felt like I’d just made too many mistakes to course correct. I was stressed and always pressed for time and in the spare moments I did have, I would either make bad choices or not want to do anything at all. Maybe I was depressed, but was that also something inside of me or was it just situational?
Deciding to quit my job was obviously a big deal, and so far, I don’t regret it. I needed to break away from the stress that was causing me and have more time to focus on myself and the other aspects of my life. I was a little worried that after I was no longer employed, I would feel the same regret I felt after breaking up with Matt last year. I was worried that it would be another “big mistake” in my book of life. So far, I have not felt that at all. In fact, I still feel like it was the best thing I have done for myself in a very long time. I’m only one week into not working, but already, I feel so much better. Only time will tell if that will continue to ring true.
Yesterday I was at Home Depot looking at perennials and I ran into my friend Pedro. Well, he’s really Josh’s friend but we’ve hung out a few times and drank and played a board game so I think that qualifies for friend status. He, like Josh, does not have a traditional job. They do home construction work for people like roofing, concrete, basement finishing, etc. He’s pretty much redone this whole house he is working on from the inside out. I think it’s pretty awesome to have those type of skills. Anyway, he had his dog with him (which he takes everywhere) and so I was giving her some good scratches behind the ears while we chatted for a minute.
He said I looked great, or younger, or happy.. or something like that and that if I keep it up, I’m going to look like I’m in my 20s in no time. It made me feel good to get a compliment like that but it also made me think about how I was feeling in that moment. I was happy. I was picking out flowers and thinking about my garden and not worried about anything. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like that.
Now I’ve also got some guys interested in me on this dating app and it feels good to have people actively wanting to chat. A girl could really get used to it.
Anyway, I’m six months into the year and finally feeling like things are starting to turn around. I’m all about instant gratification so the fact that it can’t all just magically change like the flip of a switch is frustrating. I guess I have to have a little faith and trust in the fact that it’s going in the right direction and that this can still be my year. I just need to be patient and keep doing the things that make me happy.
It’s Saturday now, and time to go figure out what the weekend list looks like.