Today I want to write about relationships. Our lives are composed of the sum of our experiences and that composition is largely made up of moments we have shared with other people. Our parents and relatives and friends and lovers and children. There are people we pass by in our daily routines, like the barista that makes your coffee and there are people we work side by side with in our careers. All of these relationships are lines criss-crossed and intersecting like a blanket woven of memories and shared experiences.
Sometimes that fabric is tightly woven and things seem stable and other times, the interactions seem thin and few and far between. Last year when I was in train wreck mode I felt very much alone. I’d lost the strongest weave in my fabric and daily it felt as though I was just going to fall through with no safety net beneath me. But Josh was there. I continued to try and connect the dots making sure all the other lines stayed in tact, like with some of my friends and family and children, but he was always there. I was on a trust course, feeling my way from one intersection to the next often balancing on that one thread.
Now I feel like I’ve crossed over into a new section of my life and I am ready to begin again, trying to find some more threads and tighten things up. I have the time now to really fortify some of my existing relationships and search for new ones. I know I am ready, and I want to, but I don’t want to have to sacrifice what I have with Josh. The nature of our relationship is complicated and part of me feels very strong about not being able to continue on the way we have been at the same time that I am looking for a new partner in life. Maybe that’s right and maybe that is wrong, but that is my current struggle.
Last night I had date number two with Mr. Fireworks and he seems like a good guy. He’s got lots of history and strong opinions and not afraid to share all of it, which is something I really appreciate. At the same time, I just met this person and can’t help but hold up what I already know next to what I have with Joshua and start to compare. Then I start to question if that is even fair? How can anyone I just met measure up to this person I have known for 10 years that has had such a profound impact on my life? The answer is probably not. And yet Josh is not meant to be my future, and so my brain goes round and round again.
And who is the person I want to talk to right after the 2nd date comes to an end? It’s Josh, but again, that does not seem fair, for either of us. I’ve got a full day planned today but still hoping to get to see him. I guess we will see if that connection is meant to happen today or not but I really need to get up and get started with my day.
Ciao for Now,