I’m waking up on this last day of July that just happens to be a Monday and thinking about all sorts of things. I’m thinking about new people I have met, and all my commitments stacking up already this week, and the fact that the kids go back to their dad’s house today and what else I might do with my week. I am feeling very much like I did that one day last week when I was having a hard time focusing in on any one thing too deeply. I’m existing on the surface.
I’m amazed at how it really has taken no time at all to get used to not working. My day’s seem just as packed as ever and mysteriously I don’t feel like I am getting much more accomplished than before. I’m most certainly in a better frame of mind, but the productivity has not gone up a ton. I’m going to blame that square on the Bumble and the addition of dating back into my life.
As of about a week ago, I was 7 or 8 weeks into it and though I was getting some good feels from some of the interactions, it felt very fabricated and shallow. I don’t mean to say the people I was meeting were shallow, because I am sure most have depth in their world, but chatting and even meeting seemed very much like going through the necessary motions to an unforeseen end. I had not determined what I was looking for or wanted, so I was just very much floating on the surface looking to connect with someone else who was also just floating.
After date number 5 or 6 is when I decided the app and the whole concept was not for me. I wrote about going on a date and just feeling terrible after because I did not feel like myself and I did not feel a connection with this perfectly fine human being. No spark. I concluded that night that I would let the rest of the conversations fizzle out and only meet someone if they requested it. I’ve been on two more first dates since then and now a couple of second dates.
One guy was not really my type at all and only in Omaha temporarily and also revealed to be a smoker (at the end of the date). Part of what I am doing is eliminating things I don’t want from the equation and this person seemed to bring a lot of that together. So if there is a positive thing to be had from a “bad” date, it’s that something else about ones self is revealed. If I were to decide to continue to try and find someone with this online approach, I would definitely ask a few more questions first.
The two other people just happen to be the subject of yesterday’s “Untraveled Roads” post. I do feel like the universe is playing some sort of prank on me. First, I’m not really finding much of anything at all and about ready to throw my hands up and say forget it. Then I meet two people who both seem to have interest in me and are themselves very interesting. Two people I’m attracted to. Two people who I would like to get to know better. Two?!
And still I ask myself.. Is either one of them who I am looking for? How could I know if I don’t spend some more dedicated time to find out? Would I/Should I know right away? Is the fact that I want to see both of them again revealing? Can I/Should I continue to see both of them at the same time. It is very contrary to my nature to begin to do a deeper dive into anything if my attention is divided. Which is complicated, because my attention is already divided by the rest of my life and my responsibilities. I don’t live in a bubble, nobody does,
Then, as the futuristic and strategic thinking sort, I can’t help but start to imagine what the future would be like with either of these two people. The truth at this point is that I have not collected enough data to know the answer. How can I have after only a few dates. How can I possibly get deeper with these people without putting my head under the water? Without risking, something? And what is it that I think I am risking? My time? Their feelings? My feelings? I’ve come away now with more questions than answers and am dwelling on this instead of what I probably should be doing which is figuring out what to do with my day.
It’s going to be a beautiful day out and I need to figure out how best to enjoy it. I’ve got lots of work in the garden to do so perhaps I should focus on that and not try and puzzle out what to do about this dating nonsense. We will see how that goes.
P.S. Happy Anniversary to my parents who would have been, if they were still together, married for 52 years. Nobody else may give a damn, but as a product of that relationship, it still matters to me. 😃