When you fall asleep just past 9PM after just having eaten a biggish meal and wake up at 1AM, was that a full nights sleep or a nap? Is it considered late at night or early in the morning? Should you try to go back to sleep or wake up and seize the moment?
In my case, and feeling a twinge of a headache like I’ve had a drink before I went to bed even though I didn’t, I think I’m up and should not fight it. I had way too much caffeine today (yesterday) and think that might be a contributing factor to my present situation.
Another factor just might be this set of circumstances I’m rolling into and not quite prepared for. Lots of undiscovered territory and I have a growing sense of trepidation about what kind of predicament I might be getting myself into. I’ve got several post topics brewing in my brain and I feel like maybe taking one of those on will help start to sort things out.
Just now I toggled through my last few weeks to find the one with the list of topics that I wanted to write about and it turns out I’ve touched on several of those already.. yay for that. What I was looking for was to see if the idea I have which I want to elaborate on now was included in that list. There wasn’t really one, but what I did find in the “Sunday Bumble Update” was a brief description of first date #5 and that’s a nice lead in.
To refresh, I had met a very nice person for dinner on a Saturday evening and though it was lovely, I didn’t quite feel the “chemistry” one would hope for. At the time I tried to make an excuse that I was not in the right frame of mind and somehow explain away why afterward I drove solo through the town and ended up crying at Walnut Creek.
Walnut Creek is “my place”. After having lived in this area of town for many years now, I think I can officially say that I have a certain claim on that park and walking path. It is shared by many but holds such rich history for me, I would not think of anywhere else to go by myself for some quiet reflection. After that date, and probably one to many drinks, I found myself there and listening to my music and welling up with tears as I silently asked the universe “why”.
Walnut creek is where Matt proposed to me in 2016 after the second time we broke up. I said no, of course, and later regretted it but came to the conclusion eventually that it was the right thing to do at the time. As I lay on the concrete of the picnic table area that Saturday night I thought about the first time Matt and I met face to face. Until that day, I had only seen a profile picture on Twitter and remember thinking he looked very young (like 16).
The day I met him was at his house and he was having an open-invite memorial day pot luck and I had a friend that was already going and decided I would pop-in and say hi. I remember being introduced and thinking he didn’t look anything like his picture and almost instantly something in me rose up. My heart started to beat a little faster and I was captivated by his height and good looks. It was a very brief introduction as it was his house and he was being a good host cycling around to different groups of folks to make sure all was well. I remember there were a lot of people there and I was quite intimidated because all but one or two were complete strangers.
I also remember being somewhat pre-occupied because the girlfriend of my ex was also there and that was a sticky situation. It was a lot to take in at once, for sure, but something about seeing him for the first time and the way that it made me feel kept leaping to the front of my thoughts.
I later inquired further and was disappointed to learn he had a girl friend who lived with him. I dismissed my day dreams and re-focussed my attention on the rest of my world. Over time, we did have a little back and forth communication via twitter and eventually I ended up meeting him again in person, solo, for coffee. That meeting sparked the same feeling I had the first time I saw him and I again had to push it down because of the girl friend situation. I thought there was something more there, but it was not my place to pursue it with such a complex circumstance. If there was to be more, he would have to work that out himself. Which eventually did come to pass.
We met for several walks around Walnut creek where he opened up to me about that relationship and how he felt about her. He obviously had feelings for me too, but not acting on them was the right thing to do. I don’t remember the exact timing, but I think we also ended up there after he broke it off with her and she had to move out and I wanted to be empathetic and supportive but in truth was excited and hopeful about a newly opened door for myself and for us. I felt selfish about it, but at the same time, thinking it felt really right. It was meant to happen. We were meant to come together. The stars were aligning.
The weeks and months to follow were further confirmation of just how right my instincts were. Things were fabulous and we were great together. I had the very best road trip of my life and the most wonderful amazing night spent under the stars at the Badlands. We seemed to compliment each other very well and I was sure this was it for me – for us. I remember thinking that it was about time I had the happily-ever-after my hopeless romantic heart had always dreamed about. I knew that was going to be it for me, and I proclaimed our love to be “August and Everything After” (yes I was/am a Counting Crows fan, but this fit so perfectly, I was willing to share it with them).
So it sort of began at Walnut and then also sort of ended at Walnut and then I find myself there again and again re-visiting all these things in my life. I’ve also been there many many times with Josh and walked the path and now have even been there once with someone new. It’s not “Matt and my place”, it’s my place and I reserve the right to keep it as my own. Unlike some hair stylists, insurance agents, restaurants, musical groups, and vacation destinations that are off-limits due to “belonging” to someone else, Walnut is “mine”.
I find myself wondering if there really is someone out there for me and if there is “one” right person or if there are lots of potentially right people. My heart so badly wants to still believe in that one true love that will sweep me off my feet and cary me away into the sunset, but my head fights that vehamently as nonsense. But I should not let go of that notion for fear that I will permanently loose that part of who I am. I was born a day-dreamer and why would I ever want to change that?
What I come to realize, through this line of thinking, is that there is some special feeling I have had and can recognize when I meet someone. I know it because I have felt it and though I can’t quite put words to what it is, if it is not there, then I should follow that instinct and not settle for not having it. First date #5 didn’t have it, and again, even though he’s a nice person who might be interested in me, I just have to go with my gut and let that one fade out.
I’m fairly certain the “Bumble” time has run its course and I’ve gained some new wisdom from the experience, but am very much in favor of not using it at all anymore. I’m still on the fence about deleting my profile, but for sure there will be no more swiping right or left in my immediate future. That being said, I have managed to meet two new people who both pique my interest in very different ways and I’m interested to see where those roads will lead, but those are stories for a different day.
For now, it is back to bed with me. I’ve been up for quite some time now and hopeful I will be able to go back to sleep. Second sleep as one might say.
Until the next Tomorrow,