This IS the organic blog about my life. That means it’s just raw and real and there are no additives and preservatives and no processing or editing. It’s just me. I just need to be real about this moment in my life. For one minute can I really just be exposed and not give a shit about it? I think I can.
I’ve blogged about my dating experiences on a very guarded level. Like here are the stats about how many people I have met and what my impressions have been and what I’ve learned and how that has shaped what I think about the app I’ve been using. Yadda..yadda..yadda. I’ve left out bits and pieces here and there to protect myself from.. myself. Or rather, protect myself from some consequence I have imagined would be applied if I really just came out with all of it.
That guy that I met in the beginning of July that I really liked and had a great first date with. You might recall I named him Mr. Fireworks because we sat in his truck after meeting for a drink at the bar and watched the fireworks explode on the horizon of the Chalco recreation area as the sun went down. We had a very deep conversation that night which delved into faith and philosophy and belief and we also kissed and I felt very connected and hopeful about the possibilities. The second time we met was at my house and I slept with him and after that night he never responded to me again. That’s the raw truth about what happened with that.
I felt really shitty about it. I felt cheap and sort of used and somewhat too trusting and hopeful. I mean, what else did I expect after the snapchats that had been exchanged. I guess I thought there was something more given the conversations that we had, but apparently I was wrong about that. I can chalk that one up to naiveté and perhaps also my own desire to really just want to have something happen after so long not having anyone want me in that way. So I let that go. I did not press the issue and really did not even try to contact him after being ignored for a couple of days.
After several more weeks having text conversations and meeting several more people I really was losing interest in using the Bumble app and had several active connections but resolved not to try and start any new connections. I was just going to let if fizzle out, but did have two people who I was actively chatting with that were very interesting. Again, I wrote about this in a very generic capacity. Last weekend I wrote a bit of a “creative” blog entry about “untraveled roads”. That was sort of an extended metaphor describing the way I felt about two of the people I had met. My mind always wandering to what kind of future I might have with each. One of those people was an ex-military guy, who I will call “Alabama”, that I met for a drink downtown and, again, really had a good time with.
We had a second meet up at Walnut and went for a walk and then had a quick bite to eat before we had to part ways. He was very honest and straight forward about where he is with his life and where he was going and what his plans are for the future. I found that very refreshing. Now here is a person who has direction and purpose and not really sugar-coating the fact that his life and plans come first. Equality was one of his tattoos. It stood for equality in relationships he explains and he even sent me something via email that he wrote about that to elaborate on it further. I really liked this guy but not sure how much. He was super responsive to text and very complimentary and called me beautiful. Who doesn’t want that?
So on our third meet up we had dinner and then walked the Old Market and then went back to his place and I slept with him. It was nice. I was once again filled with hope and thoughts for the future. I don’t want my heart to be hurt again, so I was still somewhat guarded and just trying to enjoy the moments for what they were.
The week following that was the military “Wounded Warrior” games here in Omaha and he’s really heavily involved with that and was quite unavailable. He was also getting some really heavy information back about his medical conditions and being forced to make some life-changing decisions. We met for dinner once this week and he eluded to the fact that his heart condition is being considered urgent and that he’s had to schedule surgery ASAP. Likely moving to accommodate that and his plans to attend school at Alabama. Tonight I got a text that he is packing and moving this week.
Not exactly the same situation as the first guy I slept with but it’s does not change the fact that I, once again, am feeling really shitty about the outcome. I think this is the other reason I am done with this online dating garbage. This is NOT me. I am not the type of girl that goes out with people and sleeps with them on the second or third date and never sees them again. At least I don’t want to be. I want to have a romantic relationship. I want to find a long-term partner. I want someone who is responsive, who I can trust, and communicate with and am attracted to and who likes me or adores me and wants to be with me and build a life together. That is what I want. My God is that too much to ask for??!
So this afternoon I had a few girlfriends over and we shared a bottle of wine and right about the time that they left is when I was finally getting these texts back from Mr. Alabama. So I am a little tipsy and not wanting to be alone and here I am alone. All alone and thinking about how this all has unfolded and I have no-one to blame but myself. OK, so I reason with it and tell myself to just add it to the list of lessons learned and call it good because now I know more about what I am looking for, but really that is just sugar-coating it. My heart hurts and I don’t feel like I deserve this. Why is life like this. What have I done to deserve being alone and feeling this unloved and unwanted?
Why can’t I be happy without a partner? Why can’t I be satisfied with my beautiful life the way that it is? Why do I let myself feel too easily for the emotions that are inevitable with these situations? Why couldn’t I make things work with Matt? Why couldn’t I make things work with my marriage? Why is there always an imbalance in the the way people feel about each other? Why, why, why, why, Why, WHy, WHY????!!
This is the real reason why I’m not using that stupid app anymore. I quite literally don’t think I am in any shape to take on the emotional challenges that come with this constant struggle of questions without answers. I probably should be focussing on my kids and my health and my future career instead anyway. Fuck this dating garbage. What a tricky pickle I have myself in, indeed (that is caught between second and third when I can’t go forward and I can’t go back).
It’s 8PM and still light out. I’m three glasses of wine on the day now and should call it done. There was no sushi, no coffee, and no walking today so it was definitely a far cry from the “paint by numbers” Sunday that I’ve longed for for so long. Just like the rest of my life I guess.