Two days ago I woke up with a plan. I was going to have coffee with Barb in the morning and a meet up with Chris W. in the afternoon in the Blackstone district and probably somewhere in there get started on my edging project.
Coffee went as expected, and conversation with Barb was good, but that was about the only think that happened as planned. About noon I received a text from one of the people I met recently. Really the last one I had originally connected with and actually met in person before I decided to ditch the swiping. He wanted to know if I would like to join him and his daughter at the lake for a swim. First thought in my head was like, “No way I can do that”, but instead I texted back “That sounds great”. What was I thinking.
– I don’t swim very well and hate having my head under the water.
– I would be in a bikini and all my flaws will be exposed.
– It’s a time commitment and I had other things scheduled.
– And .. and .. and…
However, my desire to see this person again must have overwrote all those excuses. That must mean something. It must be a sign that something is meant to happen. He initiated this meet up (unlike the others), and so I had to go for it. My mind countered with…
– Then he will know you can’t swim very well and if that’s a problem, that’s his problem (who would judge a person on not being able to swim anyway?).
– I’m comfortable with the way I look and have to learn to accept my flaws. If he does not like what he sees, again, that is his problem and it would be better to know now.
– I can reschedule anything else and put off the backyard project for another day.
– And .. and .. and… I have to get myself out of my damn comfort zone or nothing is ever going to happen with my life.
And so I got my ass to the store and bought some waterproof mascara. Yes this was the one thing that was absolutely necessary that I was unwilling to compromise on. When I arrived back home, I put on my bikini, and layered on shorts and a tank top and grabbed my flip flops, sunscreen, towel, and bag and off I went.
I texted Chris to postpone our meet up until next week. I put the address into my phone and then let autopilot take over while I had a mini freak out in my head about this sudden event. Still sort of in denial that I was really doing it.
When I arrived at his house, it was nice and quaint and clean. A brief look around and I could tell he has good quality things and not too many things. Music was prevalent and a nice stereo system. His daughter greeted me at the door also and she was bubbly and talkative. We had a brief conversation and then gathered a few things and went down the stairs to the basement where the garage was.
I’m not going to dig into the play-by-play for this whole day, because it was a long day and there was a lot to it. It started with us driving to the beach, where we spent several hours and I had a much nicer time than I expected, despite my not being able to swim. That was followed by his daughter cooking dinner for us back at his place, which was followed by watching a good movie. I think I left his place around 11PM. The moment that I left, my brain went a little cray-cray.
I was immediately thinking back to all the moments of the day and doing a micro-analysis on each one. I felt happy and sad and hopeful and also a twinge of regret. I decided to drive up Hamilton street which is very near where he lives and go past the first house I ever owned. I’m very rarely in that neighborhood so I thought I would just see the old place, but when I drove by, I burst into tears. It’s my whole life. This is my life and I don’t want to waste any more time. I wasted a lot of years and that house brought me back to a time when none of those years had happened yet. In an instant, I wished I was 25 so I could do it all again.
Maybe I was crying because I know I can’t. I don’t really know.
I had a wonderful time that day and all the conversation and the interaction with him and his daughter were good. It was amazing she cooked us dinner and even though the movie made me cry, I was OK with that because that exposes me for who I am. I’m emotional and empathetic and I often cry at movies and shows when they are sad. That’s just the real me.
I wondered if I should text him to let him know I had a nice time and then I convinced myself to not overthink it and just text. So I did. He responded and then that was it for the night.
So much of it is still fresh in my mind. It was such a departure from everything in my life right now. It felt surreal to sit at that dinner table being served and it felt “right” (not the being served part, the three of us sharing a meal part). In the day that followed, I fought against my instinct to get mentally carried away. Ive put myself very much back on the “let him text you first” approach. If he still wants to see me, then he will let me know. If he does not, well, then, I will be disappointed but better to know sooner rather than later.
It was a strange day, indeed. A good day, but a strange day. After my migraine and medically induced sleep last night, I really was hoping to get back to a more normal day today. For the most part it was. Tomorrow is Friday and it looks like it is going to be another banner weather day. So much the better for making more progress in the back.
It’s just past 10PM now and I can barely keep my eyes open.
Stranger than Fiction,