2017-10-16 Home Sweet Home

I arrived home about 10:30PM, got most things put away, and have just now settled into bed. The kids stayed at Brian’s an extra night because of our delay so it is just me and the kitten here. She greeted me at the door and has been following me around ever since.

I’m glad to be home and looking forward to a good night sleep in my own bed. I know I have a whole host of things that need following up on tomorrow, but right now I am just exhausted and can’t even think about what I’m supposed to be doing this week. That drive across Nebraska – Ewwww. I will say Colorado is no better. It only starts to get interesting when you get close to Denver and Boulder.

I think I am done with road trips for a while and also vacations in general (after we return from Hawaii of course). I am going to coast through the rest of this year and the holidays and really not plan anything new. It’s likely I will have a job come January and probably will not have much vacation time anyway, so that will work out perfectly.

Anyway, I’m going to call it quits on this day now. Kitten and I are ready for lights out.

When, what, who?
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-10-16 Sometimes the Fates Decide

Late on Saturday my mom decided she wanted to drive home on Sunday instead of Monday so once Sunday breakfast was over we loaded up all of our stuff into the Jeep to get on the road out of town. However, the fates had different plans for us and decided we should stick around until Monday like we had originally planned.

We left my brothers house and did what people do when they are getting on the highway in that we stopped for gas. I insisted we make a second stop so I could get a latte. When we got back in the vehicle and turned it on, it started to idle heavily and when she tried to drive it, it went a couple of blocks in the parking lot and then just refused to go when she pushed on the gas. Then the check engine light started to flash.

So we had a very un-fun afternoon on the phone with emergency roadside assistance, getting tows, and discovering that she put diesel fuel in her tank by accident. So we had to get a second tow to a nearby Jeep dealership where the vehicle would stay until someone could take a look at it when they opened on Monday morning.

We went back to my brothers house and unloaded all of our stuff. I guess we were meant to stay in Colorado and should not have tried to change the plan. It was a beautiful afternoon and I walked from the first car place back to my brother’s house. After the dust on all that excitement settled, Lance came to take me to his place in downtown Denver where we walked some more on 6th street looking for a place to eat. We settled on Blue Sushi, which is one of my favorites.

After that he and I went back to his place and talked more and watched TV. I took an Uber back home to my brothers as Lance and I had both been drinking all evening. I came home to a mostly quiet house and proceeded to settle back into my spot on the couch in the basement. I’m really looking forward to sleeping in my own bed, hopefully tonight.

The service department at the Jeep dealership has confirmed there was minimal damage to the vehicle (very lucky) and they should be able to flush it out and get us back on the road by about 2PM today. At this point my mom and I are both super anxious to get home even though we were not originally going to be leaving until today anyway.

It’s another beautiful day out right now (sunny and 60 degrees) and I’m going to take a walk and enjoy that to pass the time while I wait. I wish I had my bike here. Next time, I will totally bring that so I can ride the trails.

Happy Monday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-14 A Full Day of Coloradoing

Today I was up early (before the sun) and had first breakfast in the solitude of my brother’s kitchen. Then when everyone else got up, he cooked us breakfast so I ate again. We waited a little bit after that before heading out for our hike because there was a pretty good fog covering the area. When it finally cleared (and mom was ready to go) we headed out in the direction of Boulder.

We went for a hike at a place called Halls Ranch. We took a moderate trail with some elevation that had lots of boulders and rocks on the path. We were nearly the only ones on foot as most people were traversing the trail on mountain bikes. It was very impressive to watch some of these people navigate over the really rugged terrain. I bet Simon would have really dug it. The hike was about 5 miles round trip, but at the top/end of the trail, we were not really as high as you could go so my bro decided we could leave the trail and go the rest of the way up to check out the view from the top. Our mom stayed below on a bench.

It was not that tough for me to follow him up, but my socks and shoes got covered in these little spikey sticker things. They tortured me the entire hike back down. The view from the top wasn’t really that great. Half way back down the trail and I very much lost enthusiasm and was just ready to be done. Alas, what goes up, must come down.

After the hike we drove back into Boulder for lunch. We had empanadas and I believe that was the name of the place. My brother’s office is in Boulder so he’s there all the time and knows all the places to have lunch. It was good.

When we got back to his house I was wiped out and ready for a nap. I am not sure how long I slept but when I woke, the sun was already going down. I drove my mom to a place she wanted to go shopping and I wandered around the store for a bit. I still only got 16K steps today which isn’t even as much as I have been getting on a regular day back home. I miss my routine and my gym and my Jazzercise.

Both my brother’s kids are in high school and they had their homecoming dance tonight. So the parents dropped the kids off at school and then the four of us went out for dinner. I’m super tired again now and feel like I have ate a ton of food and not gotten enough activity to make up for it.

My mom has decided we would just drive home tomorrow so a good night sleep is in order for us to be in the car all day again. I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed tomorrow for sure.

Tired Typing,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-14 Waking Up in Colorado

Yesterday my mom and I made the drive along I-80 across Nebraska and into Colorado. We’re visiting my brother and his family in Broomfield which is a thing I like to do about once a year. I love certain parts of Colorado and could really see myself living here someday. My brother has lived here for over 16 years.

We arrived around 5PM but I haven’t actually had a conversation with him yet because Lance came and picked me up and took me out to his friends for a nice evening at their place. It was a lovely evening with good food and wine and conversation. I think it was just past midnight when I got back “home” and the only person still up was my brother’s wife who I chatted with for a quick minute before crashing on the couch in the basement.

I woke up around 6AM (which is 7 Omaha time), and so I didn’t have much of a sleep but I’m ready to get after the day. I’ve already been upstairs and had breakfast and now am back down in the basement waiting for others to stir. We are going on a hike today which is pretty routine for our visits here. It typically means a pretty drive through some mountainous areas to get to some trail we have not been on before.

My brother is an avid hiker and goes a lot, but we stick to the “easy” stuff. Our mom calls them “grandma” hikes. She declared yesterday that she wanted to do something a little more challenging this time. We’ll see where that lands us.

I’m hearing other human beings up and moving around above my head now so I should go say hi.

Happy Saturday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-12 On the Flipside

Today I became incredibly sucked into thinking about my past for an hour or more. I was completely distracted from what I originally wanted to be doing with this time and now my time for doing it is running out. I’m glad that it happened, but at the same time, I need every hour of this day to get things done and I feel I’m not as organized as I typically am. I should just forgive myself for being human and then make a list so I can get started.

Still, that trip down memory lane hit me like a ton of bricks and I may not be able to “let go” of how I feel right now. If I truly am going to submit a poem about love and justice, perhaps it should be something new. Maybe instead of closing the book on it and moving on with my day, I should “let go” of the things I thought were important today and use the energy that’s churning inside me now to create.

I felt a shadow of the pain I had before when I read what I wrote. However, re-reading in the context of what I know now about what was going on in October last year brings about a few new feelings. I was trying desperately to convince Matt to come back to me and was met with a stone wall. That’s how I’ve described it. The rejection was terrible and the lack of interest in communication was devastating. Still, he always left me with a tiny sliver of hope. That was garbage.

Months later I find out he had already started dating someone else. If he had let me in on that, I would still have felt an immense amount of pain, but it would have been different. It would be grief knowing some other person had slept in “our” bed. It would be heartache over her getting to do things with him that we used to do together. I had some of that when I finally found out, but I am sure if I had known since October, my grieving process would not have been drawn out so long.

As it was, In December I was still holding onto hope he would go to Mexico with me. That was never going to happen and he should have told me at least that much. I may not have gotten so drunk all through the holidays and the week I was in Mexico. I most certainly would not have waited until March or April or May to start getting on with my life.
So that waste of time sort of feels like an injustice dealt to me. He was moving on, even if he didn’t have the same kinds of feelings for her as he did for me. It was wrong that I was left hoping and waiting.

So maybe my very first poem submission about love and justice should be on the flip side instead and I should write about love and injustice. Love and all the things that aren’t fair about it. Heartbreak and the delicate task of navigating a thick, sticky sea of emotions while keeping the rest of your life together enough that everything else doesn’t go to shit too (kind of like mine seemed to).

I’m not sure, but I should really either go be creative or start hacking away at that to-do list.

Tomorrow I get in a car with my mom to drive to my brother’s place in Colorado. I need to do laundry and dishes and pack some things. I’m also planning to see Simon one more time before I leave… priorities you know. 😉

One Flip, Two Flip, Me Flip, You Flip,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-12 Strange Pathways

Life is a series of strange paths that lead us to other strange paths. This morning, one meandering down one path led me to a place in my past which is still recent enough to leave me feeling raw about it but far enough away now I can look back and recognize how far I have come.

When I opened my laptop I intended to write something new for my blog. Instead I got sucked into email and that led me to looking at links I had bookmarked. I was further distracted by the notion to finally organize my bookmarks into folders for ease of access. This task led me to discover a few sites I had bookmarked, goodness knows when, relating to submitting poetry. A thing I have often wanted to do but never done. Out of fear perhaps? Fear of rejection maybe? I don’t know, but whatever it was it’s gone now and so I think today would be a good day to start.

Digging a little deeper into one of the publications, they have a call for submissions with a deadline of November 1st. The theme.. Love and Justice. OK, that’s like one of my main things. Delicious fate.

As such, my search through Evernote with the word “love” in it would most assuredly turn up like a gazillion things, so I searched for “Justice” instead. This brought back less than 10 notes and here’s where the path gets a little bit strange. The top note is a journal entry I wrote on 10/12/2016.. exactly one year ago. I rarely look back at things I wrote about before unless I am so bored or in need of some spark. It is typically a last resort, but since the universe had dangled this carrot in front of me, I just had to try to take a bite. Less than ten seconds into reading and the reality hit me.

Last year, on this exact day, I was deep in the world of heartbreak and despair. I was frantic, falling apart, and fading. I was loosing weight and not sleeping. I was desperate to break through to Matt and confused by his stone wall. I had begun exhausting all my connections with my relationship woes and on a path of retreat unto myself. It was dire. I was a mess.

Thinking about it now gives me shivers. I remember how I felt being rejected time and again. I remember sitting on the stairs inside my house absolutely bawling from the pain. I remember how my heart ached, yes physically ached, and thinking I was never going to recover. It was the worst pain I have ever felt my entire life and crushing me daily was the feeling that I was alone. In a way, I was alone.

I was drowning and alone and relying on my writing for oxygen. I wrote two or three times a day during October last year. It’s amazing to think about where I was then and where I am now, but that’s how strange the pathways of life can be.

I didn’t start to publish my journal to this blog until January of this year, so all of that “stuff” from last year remains buried in a giant pile of electronic notes. I’m going to end this one by concatenating what I wrote on October 12 last year for posterity. It’s quite long, and I won’t be offended if you skip it, but it feels appropriate to recognize just how far I have come in a year and no better way to do that than a direct comparison.

Life is a series of strange paths that lead us to other strange paths. We should try and embrace the journey and not question too much what the purpose or meaning really is.

Forever Exploring,
~Miss SugarCookie

***

2016-10-12 C

A few days ago I said I had no poetry for this. I’ve written a lot of words in the last weeks and days but I truly have no poetic words for what I am going through now. How many times can I talk about how much I have cried? How many times did I cry during the movie I just watched? Three – and that was a romantic comedy that was rated R.

Now I know how people feel when they get their heart broken. It does not matter how or why or what the circumstances are. It just happens. Every song, every book, and yes, even the poetry inspired by the feeling that I am having right now. I’m overwhelmed with how much emotion is involved with this and am very lost for words that give it justice. I can’t even bring myself to try.

So many people with this shared emotion and yet I feel terribly alone. Always alone. Like the universe is, yet again, taking it’s due for the deals that we made. Deals that were made before I even understood what “sign on the dotted line” meant.

I’ve got folks that I have confided in, and they have been so wonderful listening to me and offering advice and really just taking a little slice of time in my day so that I did not have to spend that same slice of time laying on the floor of my hallway crying into a basket of clean towels. I am grateful for all those people and all those slices of time, but I still feel very, very alone.

I’ve spent countless hours now thinking through beginnings, middles, ends, and every last bit of conversation I can recall to put this puzzle together. I’ve come to conclusions and then torn them down again. I’ve steeled my resolve only to have it melt away like butter with the rain on a random Wednesday morning.

“Sugar into melted butter”. That was me and Matt in 2012. Things on the internet sometimes never go away.

http://iloveinomaha.com/294

I wanted to shout from the rooftops about how in love I was, but always felt this was not acceptable. That’s a problem, but not an unsolvable problem that is just like all other things I thought were issues. There are always issues, but “Some days, you have to choose to like each other”. I failed at doing that. I won’t make that mistake again.

You don’t get to be our age (which is to say an adult) and not have issues and baggage and trials and successes and failures. Life is just like that. You don’t wake up one day with all the answers and have it all figured out and announce “I’m out” like Costanza who wanted to end on a high note. It’s a constant balancing act and sometimes a rollercoaster. I just want another chance at the ride.

Not just any ride though. I want the one with Matt. I already know the first clicks up the ramp. I already know what to do. That is what happens when you make mistakes – you learn and grow and are able to do better the next time around.

I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing things from this perspective right now. The timing being off and this waiting for him to come to some conclusion are killing me but if he comes out of the other side of this in agreement with me, then we will be so strong. If not, then better he figure that out now than in a year or two down the road. I don’t even want to think about the latter but while I wait it is being forced upon me. I’m stuck here thinking about all the possible outcomes. ..and that’s not healthy because it has put me in a very dark place.

I have no appetite and am not really eating much. I have not had a good night sleep in a little bit now. Both of these are cause for concern. I told my mom today I had lost 5 lbs. That’s 5lbs off an already small frame. I don’t have much more to spare and still have energy to function (unless my body starts using the fat in my butt). When I eat, I am making good choices, mostly, and I’m drinking a lot of water. It’s just that my caloric intake has been pretty low.

Its almost 11 now and I’m going to get to sleep soon. Maybe tonight will be the night I get more than 4 hours. If not, tomorrow I am calling Dr. Vana.

The girl with no poetry,
~Shyla

 

2017-10-10 Always More

I guess I don’t have much to say about today. I did go to the gym this AM and spent the whole time text communicating with different people so I didn’t really follow the same pattern of writing from the elliptical as I have been. There was also people on the mats and in the aerobics room almost the entire time I was there so I sort of fell short of my usual “set” routine.

It was cold and rainy this morning also which did not provide me with very much motivation to get out of bed. The temps dipped into the 30s over night I think and though I did not turn the heat on, I did have my electric blanket going. When I woke up this morning, the temp in the house had only dropped to about 64 which was surprising. Still, if Z had not been absolutely in tears the night before and needing some love (and wanting a ride to school in the morning), I probably would not have gotten out of bed.

As it were, I gave them both rides to school and then hit the gym after that, so it all worked out.

What else.. let’s see. I tried to make spiced apple pear butter from the abundance of pears I collected last weekend. Something with the recipe went wrong and it’s more like spiced apple pear cream soup. I might have to try it again just to see if I can fix what I did wrong. As it is now, I can probably pass it off as ice-cream topper. I haven’t tried it yet, but may in the morning once it has a night to “set” in the refrigerator.

I also helped Simon with some yard work today. Somehow the chill in the air did not seem to bother me as I was really digging and pulling to try and unearth some ferns and their deep root systems. It’s nice to be helping someone with something productive when they actually have a goal in mind.

I’ve got a few, but helping someone else out brings a whole other type of satisfaction. When I hit my own goals, it’s all just like me standing there looking in the mirror and saying “you go girl”. And then looking around me for someone to also be cheering me on. Not quite there yet I guess.

Simon and I have had a few goals together, but it’s mostly been around exercise. I’m certainly all about that, but I selfishly want more. Aways more. I want someone to share all sorts of stuff with. I’ve spent so much time waiting for that and I’m afraid it has not left me with a ton of patience. That’s sort of ironic because a couple of weeks ago we were chatting and I asked him why he liked me and one of the first things he said was my patience. Oh my, what am I in for now?

Still, it’s easy to slip into a routine of normal without looking too far ahead. Right now, I am just enjoying every interaction. Dinner last week and the concert were great, but nights and days we have just hung out and listened to music and talked have been so lovely. We’ve watched a few movies here and there but it’s the cooking in the kitchen together and the making tea and sitting in the grass or going for a bike ride that have been my favorites. Anything that feels like normal life, but somehow extraordinary is so, so great.

I want more of that too. Always more. 😃

More Later.. Maybe.
~Miss SugarCookie