2017-06-21 Still Too Much

Things have transitioned from “feeling better because the weight of the job stress is melting away” to “oh shit, I have two days left to finish some stuff”. It started at four, now three, now today, waking up at 5AM again, it’s two. TWO DAYS LEFT OF WORK.

Today I have to switch gears and really stop focusing on doing work and focus more on conversations giving work to other people. Well, one other person anyway – which will be too much too. Hopefully, the newer folks on the team will be picking some things up to help real soon.

Last night I took the kids to visit my Dad who I did not see on Father’s day. I don’t see him very often, maybe four or five times a year including Christmas. In fact, it’s mostly holidays, not that I would consider Father’s day a holiday. They were just getting home and had Godfathers pizza for dinner and I lifted a couple of slices of that since I had not eaten. My dad opened a bottle of my favorite wine (which I brought to Thanksgiving last November that apparently nobody wanted).  Later we shared a strawberry pie that I made  (my late Grandmother – his mom’s recipe). I finally told him I quit my job.

If there would be one person I would expect to get some grief from or at least be somewhat worried about my choices, it would be my dad. However, I presented it in such a way, there was nothing snarky or skeptical or judgmental someone could say. I painted a picture of 2016 and then went into more detail about my most recent experience in Phoenix and coming home to even more “drama”, with no time for rest in-between. I talked about working 3 weeks straight and not sleeping well and not having time for the kids. After all that, who in their right mind would question my choice. He didn’t.

Yesterday I felt a fair amount of anxiety over, well work primarily, but also just the idea that “stuff” was not getting done and I wanted something that I could point to and say “look, I finished that”. It didn’t happen. Not enough anyway. But talking about my woes with my Dad (and his Wife) made me feel better. I think talking to people in general makes me feel better, but I sometimes feel like it’s a one or two shot deal.

Last fall I talked to my mom multiple times about my situation with Matt and by the 3rd or 4th time she was suggesting counseling. I don’t typically want to burden other people with my heavy stuff, so when she said that, I knew she was 1). Genuinely concerned about my mental health but also 2). Tired already of hearing the same things again. After that, I stopped bringing it up. I never went to see a counselor, because that’s never worked for me before (and I’ve tried two or three times in my life).

With friends, I feel like I really do only have one shot. I tell my story, get their opinion, and then we never talk about it more. The story is ongoing, but honestly not a lot has changed in the last 6 months. What more can you say about it? Yes, I still feel like I made a mistake (several mistakes) last year. Yes, I still feel sick thinking about Matt dating some other girl. Yes, I still want to talk to him and have to resist texting. Yes, I still cry about it. Maybe not as often as I was six months ago, but the road to recovery is long and slow to travel.

I feel like people don’t want to hear my broken record of a sob story. This is why a blog is such a great idea. I can say the same thing day after day after day, and since nobody (not nobody) is reading, nobody (not nobody) will be bored out of their mind with it.

Just like the last few weeks when I probably have talked about quitting my job almost daily.. It does not matter because I can do that here and will not feel like a burden on anyone but those people who perhaps are choosing to silently, anonymously accompany me through it. If you are reading this right now, thanks for sticking with me.

It’s almost 6AM and really time to figure out what today looks like. Hopefully it will include me pointing at something and getting to say “look, I finished that” and that “Too Much” gets just a little smaller. Fingers crossed.

Time to Make the Doughnuts,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-18 The Nature of Friendship

Last night I visited a friend of mine who just bought a house in CB, across the river from Omaha. It really feels far out of town and they grilled and we sat on their back porch and talked as the sun went down. It was really nice. We played with their drones and they talked about finding the house and what kinds of fun things are coming up in the near future.

I told them about quitting my job and not having another and they were very excited for me. Nobody seems to be too worried at all, which is nice. No lectures or advice or words of wisdom being thrown in my direction. Maybe they all think that I’m a grown up and can sink or swim for myself. Let’s hope they are right.

We did not talk about the relationship status or Matt at all, which was also nice. I did not tell Denise we broke up until after Christmas this past year, mostly probably because I was hoping it was only temporary.

Denise and I have been friends with since she moved to CB in 6th grade. We went to elementary, middle-school, and high-school together. She is one of a very few people that I am still friends with from HS. Really, I only keep in moderate contact with a couple of people “from those days”. And moderate is being a bit generous.

The others are Kelly, Laurie, and Rio, who I also graduated with but did not go to elementary school with like Denise. We see each other on FB, which you know is no substitute for a real connection, so I feel like I know what is going on in their lives, but I really don’t. Nor do they really know what is going on in mine.

Of these four lovely ladies, only Rio was in my wedding when I got married when I was 19. The others were Danielle, Stacey, Erika, and my sister Lindsay. Besides my sister, I don’t talk to or see any of these people anymore. Danielle moved farther away (albeit not that far), Erika and I had a pretty significant falling out many years ago, and Stacey has moved on from this life.

Thinking about it now, it is interesting how people come into and out of our lives. Things happen and as time passes we grow and change and so do they. Some people we grow closer to and others we grow apart from. It feels like a very natural occurrence and one that we should not be too upset about. For a very long time I was upset by the end of my friendship with Erika, but eventually let it go. You have to let it go or those kinds of things will weigh you down your entire life. And life is too short for that.

Denise and I talked about Erika last night too, as a similar thing happened with them. We were once a pretty tight group of friends, back before I had my kids, and we went for walks every week and talked about everything. We bridged the gap between Nebraska and Iowa and it did not seem that far, until one day it was. First we stopped meeting every week, and then girls game night that was once a month stopped too. Eventually, our annual Christmas Cookie baking event also stopped being scheduled. Other things and other people became more important. It was sad for a long time, but then, as more time passed it didn’t feel sad anymore, just “the way life is”.

Last night I found myself staring off into that sunset off her back deck last being at peace with all of it. It’s was a good feeling.

I think I need to get to a place where I’m at peace with my relationship with Matt. I certainly have that with regard to my ex-husband, and also the one other person I dated semi-seriously. I even have peace with my relationship with Josh, which is an ongoing thing. We have an understanding, and a mutual respect for each other, and care about each other while still recognizing there is no future there. We’ve been through the trials to answer the question, “can we just be friends”, with yes.

Denise seems to be very happy now in her new place with her man and all is right with the world. They are making plans for the future and that is how it should be. I’m very happy for her.

As for me, I’m getting there too, slow and steady. I think I’m on the right track and moving forward. I’m moving forward and looking forward to the future, which is a good sign.

Now Let’s Do Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-13 On Being Grateful

When I was out in Austin two short months ago my friend Rebecca had a Mother’s day celebration and invited all their friends. Mother’s day was just an excuse, it was a good time to get together and celebrate.. life. They have a lot of great friends. One of her close friends is Holly and I’ve not only met Holly before but we’ve been on a girls trip together in Mexico. She’s a lot of fun.

Later in the afternoon at this party Hollie and a few other ladies and I were sitting at the kitchen table and talking about stuff. I think I may have mentioned really struggling in the last year and how my struggles have continued into this year. She empathized with me. I did not go into a ton of detail, but she did offer some advice which sounded very legit, and very much something that I, myself, would come up with. That was taking a few moments every day to write down what you are grateful for.

She said she has done this simple practice before and it has helped her. It does not matter how much you put into it, the benefit is real. It is through recognition of what we have, and the good in our lives, that we find peace with life. Things get so very busy and we spend too much time thinking about what the next thing is or how to meet a goal or have something more that we don’t just stop and look around and admire all there is, right now in this moment. If we take time to do that, we will feel better about where we are. In turn, it will improve the mood of the day. Especially if you do it early in the day or “first thing” she said.

I did not start this journal until January, but I can tell you that back in November when I was in full-on train wreck mode, I used this tactic multiple times to try and get through it. Back then, it was less about having a simple daily practice and more about using this strategy in key moments where I felt so low I did not know how to make it through to the next. Right now, I recognize I am in a much better place, but still struggling somewhat, and could still benefit from a daily ritual.

So starting today (because today is always a good day to start), I am going to recognize and write down something I am grateful for. I am going to try and do this each and every day. It may or may not be here in this forum, but I’m going to give it a shot. We’ll see if that really does give me an extra mood boost or improves my outlook over time.

Stopping to Smell the Roses,
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. I am grateful for this blog. 😉

2017-05-22 In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Sometimes you see someone you have not seen in a really long time and they have their kid with them and the last time you saw them he or she was just a baby. You realize when you look this snarky teenager up and down that 15 years have gone by. How could that be?

Sometimes I don’t stop and think about the passage of time unless this happens or there is a certain date on the calendar that reminds me of something that happened long ago. Today was one of those days.

This day in history was the day I got married. It was a long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I was 19 years old and had no idea what being an adult was all about, let alone making a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. I wasn’t brought up with good ole’ church values to know what it meant when I made vows before God and all those witnesses that I would love and obey my husband until death due us part. I certainly did not understand what for better or worse meant. When you are a middle-class nineteen the worst think you can think of is not having a car to go where you want or not getting to stay out past curfew. So how was I to know?

Anyway, that really does feel like a galaxy away now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and when I come across a wedding photo, I can’t believe my parents even let me get married or encouraged it. If my daughter told me she was getting married anytime before she was 25, I would sit her down and have a long serious talk with her.

Today I was in the office, sort of waiting for something other than nothing to happen. I was just going about my business and suddenly this complete sadness crept into my world. On top of all the things I am dealing with now, work and Matt and Josh. On top of my “any minute now” monthly cycle starting. On top of my perpetual tired feeling, I have this. Sing it with me as I limbo.. “How low can you go”?

I’m back home and any minute now, Josh is going to pick me up and take me for a coffee. I told him it wasn’t a good idea because I was in a really low place. I told him I wasn’t going to be good company. He’s coming over anyhow.

It’s raining out now, just like it did on my wedding day. As I stare out the window of my office and the drops of rain come in and out of focus on the glass, I wonder if I will ever get married again. I wonder if the sun will shine on my face as I smile up at the person I was destined to be with. I wonder how he will propose and if it will be as magical as I have dreamed. I wonder if that moment will cause all the memories of the moments that came before to shift and fade. I wonder if I will ever remember this moment in time after that one has happened.

I can’t see out into the future but I sure hope those kinds of moments are yet to come. Right now, it’s tough to even consider that a possibility. Perhaps in some other distant place and time in yet another galaxy far, far away.

Another Day in the Life,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-21 Orion’s Belt

Last night Z and I were watching “Stranger Things” and at the end of one of the episode the camera pans up to the sky. It’s a sky full of stars. My heart sinks just a little.

Looking up at the stars was one of those things I loved to do with Matt. Whether it be out on a road trip (the Badlands being just the best star viewing I’ve ever had in my life), or driving in his convertible, or just a random walk late at night. It was just good, and I miss it. We should have done more when we had the chance. Oh, that sneaky regret.

Even when I went to STL in March, I caught myself looking up and just feeling full. Full of emotion. I search for Orion’s Belt and that’s like my little secret. One thing I own, that nobody can take from me, no matter how good or bad it makes me feel. The feelings are mine.

Matt and I had re-connected a little bit before my Phoenix Trip and before Austin and he indicated he wanted to see me again. We’d seen each other twice recently. The first time was to hash over our relationship and the state of things and the second time was just lunch, and to talk more. Both times left me wanting more.

I revealed all this to my Austin crew and they insisted it was not healthy for either one of us to continue to talk or see each other. I agreed, but that does not make it easier to let go. That’s exactly what their point was.. you can’t let go if you keep in contact. They suggested I reach out and let him know that I did not want any contact. They also suggested, as a first step, that I unfriend, unfollow, and uneverything on social media. I hate social media so that first step was easy.

That second step though, what a doozie. On one hand, I do get feels from seeing him and talking to him, but it does leave a tiny little spark in the back of my brain. That spark is hope for the future, of which, I am sure there is none. On the other hand, my influence into his world is not healthy. If he’s talking to me as a friend and looking for an objective opinion, I’m not going to be able to do that justice. I care about him, and want him to find out what he’s after, but will always be leaning on the side of advice that is in my best interest. That’s a tough pill.

On top of this, he’s probably still seeing Lindsay and it is not fair to her to have him lunching and chatting with his ex. I probably would not have been OK with that when we were dating, so I am sure she would not be either. Not that I owe her anything, but I don’t want to be “that girl” that’s making waves. Best to just cut ties completely.

So a few days ago I sent an email stating these three main points as reasons I don’t think we should communicate or see each other anymore. It’s tough, but I had to do it. Like so many times in the past, I wish I had acknowledgement that he got it and read it or something, but I probably won’t.

He hasn’t texted me since then, so that’s probably enough proof right there. I guess if he did read it and disagreed, then there would be a response, but otherwise, I probably won’t hear from him for at least a little while.

It does not mean I don’t miss it, or want it, or am reminded of things when I look up in the sky. I absolutely do, but that’s my burden to sort through now, and really mine alone. Orion will always be up there. I just have to figure out how to let go of the connection ad make it mine again.

Twinkle, Twinkle,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-30 It’s All Just Rotten

I probably wrote a couple of weeks ago that Matt had texted me a couple of times. And then we had a phone call on random Tuesday night. The next day is when I wrote “Waking Up Wednesday Wondering Why”. I don’t have to wonder more, now. Because now I’ve narrowed it down. Matt wants to talk to me because he wants to live in a world where we can be friends and there are no hard feelings.

Well guess what?! There ARE hard feelings. And life is hard. And being an adult is hard. And sometimes you just have to face that and realize that you can’t change or control it. Then you have no choice but to let it go. For me, that’s been a struggle. It has been a struggle I can’t even begin to describe. Never in my life have I felt so low or emotionally out of control or beyond words. Never.

He texted me again today and apparently just got back from Zion. I asked him if he went with someone and he avoided the question by saying “Yes a group of 8”. I asked again, “but more specifically with someone you are dating”. He said yes. Then I followed that up by asking if it was Lindsey, the girl I found out he started to date last year, which he did not know I knew about. He said yes. So he has been dating the same girl for the past 7 months include the entire time I was in train wreck mode and trying to “give him space” and hoping he would come back to me. Rotten.

I asked the questions knowing I was not prepared for the answers. Someone once told me don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, and I guess I thought if he was going to continue to contact me, I would have to know the answers, whether I was ready for them or not. It turns out, I wasn’t ready. I’m fucking sick to my stomach right now. Really.

He called me on the phone after I responded to his last text with “I wish I would have known before”. At that time, I was in the car with Zoey and we were on our way to the nail place to get our nails done and I said I could not talk and told him I would call him back later in the day. I broke down crying in the car and Z tried to comfort me. We went and did the nail thing anyway.

Now I’m back home and thinking all over again about everything. I’m looking back at the timing of all my journal entries wondering again “how did I get here?”. Less than a year ago he proposed to me. Now he’s been dating someone else for 7 months? How in the world does that make any sense? I’m so angry and sad and frustrated and confused all at once.

I did try to call him back when I got home but there was no answer. You have got to be kidding me. Really?

I think I am going to go to the gym and do some cardio. I have to get some of this emotion out somehow.

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-28 The Great Unraveling

I was going to try to sleep on the plane but my brain had other plans for me. I watched the sunset down into the soft desert hills as we ascended to our cruising altitude. I tried to just focus on the beauty and enjoy it but that was not in the cards either. Instead I thought about this week, and my work, and my life and became very sad.

I got my phone out and took pictures of the plane wing cutting across the horizon and thought about how last night when I got back to my hotel room I was so destroyed I could not do anything but take a shower and cry. As the jets of steamy hot water washed the emotions of the day off my skin, so to did the tears streaming from my eyes. I did not realized how overwhelmed I was until I began to unravel.

It reminded me of that night in December I had a party at my house and got so drunk that I blacked out. When I “came around”, I was in the shower just bawling. I can remember crying out loud that “I didn’t want to do this anymore”. I remember my friend Steph on the other side of the curtain (or door) reassuring me that it was going to be OK and that we all have been there. She made sure I got to bed OK. That’s all I remember. I never wanted to feel that way again. Yet somehow I felt that way again. This time, there was no drinking involved.

I ask myself “How did I get here?”. I start by thinking about all the circumstances I am in now. On a plane flying home from a work trip that was just terrible. The team made it a success, miraculously, but the faces of those people across the conference room table are etched in my mind now and I can’t forget everything we went through in just one short week. Those are the longer threads wound around the ball that’s at the heart of me. Right on the surface and so recent and hard to stop thinking about.

Unwinding just a little more that thread leads directly to my situation at work. My constant struggle with my place in the company. My current unease with the executive management and their decisions and the way they treat people. I’m dedicated, and those people (customers) across that table or phone or PC really matter to me, but how long can I stand the constant drama? I need to either let it go and find peace or leave the company. It’s tough when these are the choices. The ball gets a little smaller as it unravels and the thoughts start to come faster.

Tough choices I’ve had to make have led me to be single. And I think that there is still a part of me that feels like that was a mistake, so I don’t want to chance making another big change and feeling 6 months or a year down the road that was a mistake.

I’m single and really struggling with being single. I’m struggling with letting go of that relationship, which seems like it was all just a mirage. Why do five years of my life feel like a mirage? How could I have been in it for so long before realizing it wasn’t real. But it was real. It had to have been. What I am feeling now is real. I still miss him. I still miss us. I have moments that remind me why I made that choice, but they are few and far between now. I can’t help but look out at the sunset and feel just completely full of sadness and regret. So is that it? Is that what is at the core of it all?

Not quite yet, because what lies just a little deeper are the biggest questions that I can never escape. What am I doing with my life? Am I a good person? Why am I here and what is my purpose? And what is the meaning of it all? And that, my friends, is what I think is at the very center.

Now that it is all lying in a big pile criss-crossed on the floor in front of me what can I possibly do but start to cry? No wonder a girl can’t sleep on a plane. Good grief.

Maybe Next Time,
Miss SugarCookie