2018-05-25 Glossed Right By That One

It’s been a few days again. Everything is wonderful of course and it’s nice for that to be the reason for my absence from the blogging scene instead of the alternative which world be something terrible I’m sure. This blog has become such an essential part of my life and routine, I think about it when It’s been too long.

The big change which has cause my missed days as of late is my new relationship. It’s been really great so far and I just want to spend as much time as I can with him. He feels the same way. The consequence of that just happens to be less time for other things. That includes writing and working out and probably spending time on my other relationships.

It also means my mind is on now and the future and not the past. I’ve spent less time thinking about my hardships and failures. It’s truely less about letting go and more just a byproduct of thinking about other things. (And doing other things).

The increased time at Work helps too. Take for example this week. A few days ago I was just starting the week and thinking about our plans this week and also the summer. In that, I completely glossed over my wedding anniversary. May 22nd would have been my 25 year wedding anniversary had I stayed married. Every year since, both before and after the divorce, it’s been a day of remembrance. But not this week! Wow!!

I didn’t even realize it on the day and then yesterday I was looking at the team calendar for something and noticed it was the 24th. I was all like “huh, I guess that happened”. And then I smile because it was kind of a great feeling to not have that melancholy. After 8 years being divorced, most of the emotions have had plenty of time to soften. It’s all dissolved into a pathetic sort of sad regret.

Sad regret mostly for all the years I wasted in the end. All the years upon years I continued to try and fight against the inevitable. A little anger too for the fact that I put up with poor treatment and what I would now call unnacceptBle behavior by the person who was supposed to love me and be my partner for life.

Sadly sometimes we don’t recognize something when we are so down in it. It truly has taken some time and also other life experience to see the past for what it is. I know it’s just the start of my new life now, but I feel like this is how a partnership should be.

JS cares, and is supportive of me about everything. My life dreams, my work efforts, my parenting responsibilities, and my sensitivities. We’ve talked about lots of things and through all those conversations I’ve been open and honest and now, when something comes up, I can just mention it and he has context for why I’m thinking or feeling a certain way. The flip side is true too.

He’s shared lots of pieces of his history so when I listen to how his day went, I know what things are affecting him a certain way and why. I want to be supportive to. I want to be a good partner. We both do and that’s how it should be. Yeah, forgetting something that happened 25 years ago or two years ago or 1 year ago because today is so freaking awesome is how it should be.

That’s probably why rebound relationships are a thing. In hindsight I’ve got to be grateful for the pain I went through because if I would have jumped right into another relationship and would not have met JS. It makes me believe there is a reason for everything. I don’t want too deep or philosophical but the Universe has a plan and the Fates are dancing around all the time leading us down the path.

Talking about the Fates is kind of a Josh thing and that deserves a blog post of its own. Now is not the time. Nope.. now is the time for switching gears and getting started with my Fabulous Friday. JS took the day off of work and even though I still have work to do we have lots of plans. We’re multitasking together. Yay for that and yay for thinking about today instead of any other.

Having Cake and Eating it Too,

~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-05-20 The “Other” Sunday Status

This time I’m not looking at the last week or even the last month. I’m glancing back over my left shoulder at one year ago. One year ago today I asked my boss for a sabbatical.

The day after that I broke into tears over my failed relationship because I happened to see Orion’s Belt in a show Z and I watched together.

Right now, today, those things feel like a lifetime away. I was not granted the sabbatical and I quit my job. Still one of the best decisions of my life. I started dating again and after a series of unfortunate events, found my new love. The picture of my life right now is a vision I could not have imagined then.

I could not imagine cancelling a Meetup with Matt and not caring. I could not imagine getting a Masters degree in Writing. I could not imagine planning a future with someone new or not having a full time job or a life that’s everything I never even dared to dream about outloud. Yet here I am.

For most of the days of of my life, I’ve woke each day thankful and hopeful and happy. I’m a generally happy and positive person. I realize those tough times are but a blip on the record of my history. The hopeless days and nights that I was tortured with in 2016 are long gone.

The sleeplessness is gone. The constant contemplation about where I went wrong is gone. The unanswered questions that tried to murder me have faded to black and answers to questions I never asked are all around me. I’ve always been happy, but not like this. This is next level shit.

Someone once gave me the sage advice that it is ok to look back at the past, as long as you don’t stare. So this glance back today is just a glance. It’s just enough to remind me how far I’ve come as I roll through week after glorious week of “Sunday Status Updates”.

And I’ve come a long way baby!

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-10 The Thursday Meetup Monologue

Late night working last night and back at it again this morning. Makin’ the big bucks this week! I’m Getting a little cardio set in now though.

Today I’m supposed to be meeting up with Matt for lunch. He reached out to me on Monday, or maybe it was Sunday, basically to wish C a happy birthday I think. However, he quickly asked if I still wanted to get coffee or lunch sometime and I quickly replied yes. That’s a reflex.

Am I curious what he’s up to? Yes. Am I wondering about his relationship status? Of course. Does any of it really matter? Thankfully not anymore. Time does that and if I’m being honest so does my own relationship status. I’m happy now. I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time and feeling so positive about the future.

Yesterday Josh stopped by my house and we chatted for about an hour. I asked him what he’s heard from Matt lately (Josh is a mutual friend). They’ve had a couple group melee/smash sessions and I guess not much has changed.

Josh said he’s been out to Cali again to visit his girlfriend. Whatever. I think he’d probably move there if his family ties weren’t here. That’s kind of crap as far as I’m concerned because he always gave me grief for my not wanting to move until my kids were grown. In 2015 he said he didn’t think he wanted to buy another house in Omaha because he wanted to move. Ok.. that was 3 years ago and he’s still here and we broke up in 2016 and he started to date another girl and SHE moved and he didn’t go with her. See… CRAP. 💩

My agreeing to meet him was a gut reaction and now that I’ve had time to think about it, I don’t think I want to. I mean, what I would want is some deeper conversation to see what, if anything, is his real status and not just some surface level fluff like the last couple times. But to what end?

I don’t need any more reminders of why things didn’t work out between us. Just like I don’t need that surface conversation. Part of me feels like it just ends up being a catch up session where I feel great because I’m working again and going to school pursuing my dreams and now living the happy relationship life and he ends up feeling like shit because he’s still not doing any of those things. (I’m not counting his long distance thing with L a thing at all).

I don’t want to feel like I’m contributing to his down mood. Maybe something has changed and he’s found a thing he loves and is going for it. I don’t know. The fact is I don’t need to know and it doesn’t matter. And that’s a very healthy place for me to be.

I think I’m going to cancel. I don’t really feel like breaking my stride today anyway with Work and stuff. That’s what’s up.

Tonight I’m having date night with JS and my plan is to spend as much QT as I can at his place this weekend (me and my cat 🐱 😊).

Ok.. time now to get back to work.

Cheers to Being Over It!

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-01 May Day.. Time for Tacos 🌮

Unlike Groundhog day, May Day is a tradition that is not talked about as much when it comes around every May first. It’s basically a celebration of Spring and nature, and in some historic cultures it was the day young people were potentially paired with each other for a spring courtship that would end with a Wedding six weeks later in June. 😳 However, the most commonly known May Day tradition is probably the May basket.

When I was a kid we did May Day baskets. At 4 or 5 years old and living in small town Nebraska, people still did stuff like that. I remember leaving a basket and knocking the door or ringing the doorbell and then running away. It was fun. You could hide behind a bush or car and watch as the received their gift.

Now days, if you did that People would probably not think such great thoughts about it. When I was 5 we moved to a larger town in Iowa and People didn’t do baskets. I remember being disappointed and wondering what was wrong with these people.

In 4th grade I had a teacher who was really into it and we took the whole day to celebrate. We had goodies and danced around a May pole and crowned 3 May Day princesses. It’s supposed to be a May Queen, but she wanted more than one girl to feel special.

Today the kids and I won’t be doing anything to celebrate. No baskets, no Maypole, and absolutely NO pairing for marriage!! Ha!! 😜 Instead we will be celebrating taco Tuesday and I’ll be making fresh pico de gallo and we’ll probably do some dancing in the kitchen to Pharrell Williams’s “Happy”. (We have our own traditions).

Between now and then I’ve gotta try and get 6 or 7 hours of work in to make up for taking most of the day off yesterday with my sweetie. We drove out to the wildlife safari and then spent the rest of the day just relaxing. It was a wonderful day. It was also a pretty wonderful weekend.

I had my sushi on Sunday and we spent a lot of time running errands and talking and also monitoring the progression of operation “introduce the kittens”. I took Kayla to his house for the weekend and we put the two cats in adjacent rooms blocked by a gate.

The idea was to let them see and smell each other and not have any chance of physical contact. This way, they could sort out their feelings before turning them loose in the house together. It turns out Neither JS nor I have patience to watch that go on too long. By Sunday we let them out and Emma, the smaller more timid of the two, went to hide while Kayla explored the house.

Soon enough curiosity got the best of them and they we’re hanging out in the same room doing what appeared to be an extended stare down, complete with periodic hissing at each other. On Sunday we put Kayla back in the room with her food and litter so Emma could let her guard down. It was an interesting experiment and we’ll do a repeat soon. Needless to say the plan is for me to be able to spend more time over there without neglecting my baby. No plan yet to introduce the kids.. cuz priorities! 😂

Anyway, time to get my ass in gear and get to work.

Happy Taco Day,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-24 Achtung Baby

I put my iPhone on master shuffle to see what the Universe thinks I should be inspired by. “Even Better than the Real Thing” by U2 apparently.

Hey.. isn’t that song like 30 years old? There’s nothing like THAT coming up in the shuffle of 1000+ songs I have on my personal electronic pocket computer in the year 2018. It doesn’t make me feel old, though, just a reminds me of an earlier time. The only thing even better that might be the actual “Real Thing”. 😜

Seriously though.. that song was one that my dear un-departed ex-husband put on a mixtape he made for me in the early days of our courting. It was my introduction to U2 and I’ve been a fan ever since. (Of U2, not my ex).

***

I stopped typing for a little bit there to think about life, and just like that I’ve blown right past the BNL (Bare Naked Ladies) and landed on Blue October. I guess that’s how life goes sometimes. How on earth did I miss all those years going by and land in 2008? It’s not a typo, 2008 was the year of Blue October and the event that I would later call my own personal “Punctuated Equilibrium”.

If that wasn’t enough to convince me that the Universe is a “Real Thing” (with a cosmic sense of humor), the next selection is “Song for the Road” by David Ford. The one and only and there’s no other connection for reference to my Simply Vera Era that is stronger than that (except Mr. A to the Z). The first time I heard it, we were riding in his black Jeep along 144th street to somewhere.. I don’t remember where. Where isn’t important when the song is so good it makes you cry. Of course he was playing it and thinking about another girl. His “one that got away”. I didn’t even know her, but I wasn’t a fan. Her hair was more red than mine and that is all I knew.

I wasn’t even a book in his life between two iconic book ends, I was merely a chapter. Thin pages with a few words about tennis and tv shows, good food and great conversation. And that not-meant-to-be podcast “for or against”. It had some clever name I don’t recall. Do you remember that?

The girl he was with after me was someone my closest friends and I nicknamed “The Wildcard”. She was some shade of crazy I never knew existed and I don’t think I’ll ever know if it was love that made her crazy or if she was like Lady Gaga and “Born that way”. It’s ok though, I let go of caring about that years ago.

I actually saw her at a funeral for the mom/aunt of a pair of mutual friends of ours in 2016. I didn’t recognize The Wildcard right away that day because of her long blonde hair, which I think was her natural color. Her hair was black when I met her and she died it clown red to try and become a closer proximation to what SV was looking for. I’d never dye my hair for any man. I might take motorcycle lessons and tennis lessons and force myself into awkward social situations but my hair is sacred.

Well well, what do you know – An appearance by MRAZ.. how appropriate. I wonder if the Universe is standing behind me on this elliptical machine and reading what I’m writing. No, that’s too physical. When you are omnipresent, you don’t have to stoop to such levels. The song in play right now is “Life is Wonderdul”. It’s all about the contrast between opposing things and the idea that we can’t truly know one thing without the other.

Thinking about this makes me happy. It’s explaining away all the bad things. We wouldn’t truly know sound without silence, we would not know the warmth of the sun without the long cold winter. I wouldn’t recognize the sunrise if there was no dark of night. I can look back at my life and all the bad things are softer in the light of this philosophy. The song is brilliant. “It takes a toll to make you care”. My dues have been paid and I’m ready to collect.

Coming up to the end of my time here now and I am not surprised that the Universe has done it again. For its final play of the set, we have Fall Out Boy singing “Thnks fr th Mmrs”.

“Thanks for the Memories?”. How appropriate. There is a Fall Out Boy CD that reminds me of another time in my life, but the cannon of their music has extended beyond that and now I can’t help but just enjoy it as one of my favorite groups. They actually called me up earlier this year and asked me to come to their show in Lincoln this fall. To which I replied “I would be happy to”.  I will be happy too.

Times Up. Rewind. Replay.
Achtung Baby,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-19 Round Two. Ready…

Fight!

That’s a quick throwback to my youth where I spent many hours in an arcade watching boys play video games. Most noteworthy was street fighter 2 watching Ryu and Ken and whoever that green dude was that rolled himself into a speeding ball and smashed himself into his opponent. Yes.. I was there by choice, and I was getting paid!

Yup.. I got paid minimum wage to man the Aladdin’s Castle in the mall while the owners were away. I did it all. I unstuck tokens, exchanged skeeball tickets for prizes at the redemption desk, and make change for folks who didn’t want to put a 20 into the token machine. My boss was a woman and she was an asshole, but she was never there when I was there so it was all good.

It was a good job for a teenager, except maybe the sound effects that will forever linger in my brain as a result. I’ve always been a hard working dependable person so they liked me. The end of that job was kinda fuzzy but I think there was an incident where I was closing and had a migraine (which was new for me at that age so I didn’t know what it was or what to do). I ended up not doing all the chores for the daily close. Stupid stuff like cleaning the skee-ball lanes and I don’t remember what else.

My boss gave me a hard time about it and I told her I had a headache. I think she must if thought I was lying or she didn’t care. She made a big deal over it anyway. I’m fairly certain I didn’t work there much after that. My tolerance was low for being treated that way.

The arcade thing followed me when I ran away to Vegas. I was 19 and not old enough to deal blackjack and was not cut out for the cocktail-girl gig. I landed at Treasure Island at the ticket redemption desk. So glamorous!

That desk was a stones throw from the most annoying midway game in the history of the universe. Picture 10 clown heads 🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡🤡, with balloons attached to tubes coming out of the top of them 🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈, and every four or five minutes a group of people raced to shoot water into their mouths which inflated the balloons. Then POP POP POP and a winner was declared and given some shitty prize no doubt from the oriental trading company. Then repeat.. all day long. My gawd.

Going home with the sound of balloons popping echoing in my ear was immeasurably worse than any street fighter noise could ever be. Still, I worked that job until we were sick of the Vegas life (and the Military life which is how we ended up there in the first place, Brian, Mr. Airman First Class and i).

Where was I again? Oh yeah.. Round Two. This is my second post today due to missing yesterday and being awake at 3AM and needing to get my current set list of time commitments out of my brain.

At least it worked. I was able to fall back asleep after that for about two more hours. I’m finally back at the gym this morning and despite all the deadlines looming .. I don’t care. I need this.

Here’s reality.. there’s no way I’m going to bank 25 hours in the next three days for work. There’s no way I’m going to finish the Easthope book. Or Kinzie. Epic fail. I just can’t do either or both really well and that’s a fact. I’m looking forward to the end of the semester, a relief to the pressure.

It sorta feels like a bunch of clown heads racing to the finish and about to pop. “Ain’t nobody got time for that.”

But you know what I always say which remains true no matter what??.. Time marches on and whatever happens happens. One way or another things will work out, for better or worse. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

Ok.. I didn’t say any of that. Someone else did. But if the shoe fits…

Time to Do The Thirsty Thursday Again,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-08 This is My Blog and I’ll Rant if I Want To

I’m not gonna sugar coat this. My ex-husband is a supreme douchebag. My gawd.. it’s good that my BS threshold is so high, otherwise I’d probably have been pushed past a breaking point way before now.

The funny thing is, he gets so butt-hurt when people talk shit about his behaviors. If you do douchy things, people are going to call you a douche bag. It’s that simple. And my responsibility to have your back and defend you ended in March 15, 2010 when I signed those papers in a court of law. A bitter-sweet day, but absolutely necessary for me to pursue a better life.

For 8 years I’ve tried very hard to walk a line where on one side, was him and his behaviors and tactics and the other was my children and my desire to maintain positive relationships for their sake.

I still have a responsibility to be amiable for them, but my ability to spin a positive light around him despite his life decisions is waning. I just can’t.

Breaking news this week.. he quit his job. The one that he got to end his 4 year streak of not having a job. The one that my kids’ health insurance was through. The one that he complained about every single time I saw him because he hated it. “Boo-hoo”.

You mean to tell me you didn’t like your job (or just working probably). Welcome to the real world bro. Lots of people Work a job they don’t like because it serves a purpose.. income and insurance. Security for your family. Your children who depend on you to man up and be an adult and not just quit because you are not happy.

Ok.. back it up. People might give me the side-eye saying this. Didn’t I do the same thing last year?? Yes. But here’s the difference.

1. I had a plan and enough savings to carry me a certain amount of months.

2. I’ve worked 20+ years in my field and have a great reputation and mad skillz (spelling isn’t one of them). 😜 So I knew I could get another job without too much trouble. He doesn’t have that.

3. Before I quit, I made sure he could take over the insurance for the kids with his employer. I would never have quit without having that figured out. Even if it was through the stupid Marketplace.

Three strikes and your out dude!!

He stopped paying child support years ago and I never pressed that issue because we mutually agreed to change our parenting plan and terms without officially going back through the courts. Not only that, but I’ve carried tje insurance and paid all medical expenses for the 4 years. Even when insurance switched back to him, I still paid the medical bills out of my HSA.

I even went to the courthouse recently to sign a waiver saying he was caught up on his child support because in the eyes of the court, he was delinquent. So I’ve gone above and beyond on his financial behalf. For the record, and in hindsight, signing that was stupid and I will never do it again. I lost all leverage to get anything out of him. However, once that amount starts piling up again, shit is gonna be different.

You act like a deadbeat, people are gonna know and I’m done enabling that. The kids are old enough now to understand and recognize it too and I’m over trying to smooth that over too. Z needs to get checked out for an issue and I told her she’ll have to wait until mom can arrange coverage because dad quit his job. She can form her own opinion about the situation.

I don’t know how I would possibly spin this anyway. I’m not even gonna try. I’m also going to TRY not to dwell on it. I have to get insurance for them no matter what and can’t depend on him to do it.

He tried to tell me marketplace was going to take 90 days and a prerequisite was filing 2017 taxes. Both of those things were bold face lies. I know, because I spent part of my Friday afternoon going through the forms online. I can get coverage by May 1st. I called him out on it and he just acted stupid. Derp.

What an idiot.

Ok.. I have to be done and find my happy place again. Now where did I put that mantra??

Oh yeah.

Peace and Love,

~Miss SugarCookie