2018-04-26 Up Before the Sun.. Twice

Sometimes the Universe has an ironic sense of humor and sometimes it’s just a supreme asshole. For real.

Last night I woke when it was still dark. Looking down at my Fitbit (to check the time) all I could see was that the battery had been exhausted and a charge was in order. I took it off and put it on the charger. Then Iooked at my phone and it was 3 something. Ugh.

I woke because I was having a bad dream. Not a nightmare by any stretch of the imagination but bad enough. I was dress shopping (oh the horror 😱) and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was in a mall and going from store to store and what I wanted to find was something semi-formal for a special occasion. The racks were practically bare.

I recall thinking that if I didn’t find something I could always wear one of those cocktail length brides maids dresses I already have. Yeah, even in my sleep the logical brain is hard at work. There was only a few dresses I remember seeing that I halfway considered before dismissing. Two more casual numbers reminiscent of “pretty in pink”, probably because they were pink. Yuk.

If you knew me, you might now that I love dresses but I hate shopping. I mean, I really hate shopping. I’ll avoid shopping for clothes at almost any cost. If I can’t pick something up at Target with a quickness, then forget about it. And malls… gross.

I won’t even shop for dresses even though I really like to wear dresses. For one thing, I don’t need anymore dresses and for another, I don’t have a lot of occasions to spur some need for a new one. So this dream.. bad news man.

Awake at 3, I check my email and opened something from Josh about weight loss and hormones. It was a link to a YouTube video, a six minute clip from a joe Rogan podcast. I watched that and it was enough to wet my appetite for more info but I had no desire to search for more just then.

Instead I picked one of the next things in the suggested YouTube list, a Ted talk about how to live a happier life with a more uncluttered mind. The speakers secret? Not giving a fuck. Really. That was her whole talk.. a lesson about how not to give a fuck. And how to politely say no when you don’t want to spend your time or money or energy on something.

I’m all like “no shit”. I could’ve given that talk, especially since I’ve been self taught (even if it seems like I’m not so good at times remembering what I learned on my time off last year). ReLly I think she was just looking for an excuse to say the word “fuck” a lot in front of an audience. I couldn’t finish the vid and moved on to something more interesting. A Ted talk about sex.

(Which makes me wonder what the algorithm is for showing you suggested videos). I mean seriously.. why were those the top suggestions after the Joe Rogan fat thing? Hmmmm. 🤔

The “sex talk” also didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I could see sinking hours into interesting videos on the Tubes, but my attention span can’t handle wading though stuff I don’t find valuable or interesting. So I was done. I went back to sleep and that was a success (for a while anyway).

Enter stage left bad dream number 2. This time I’m going to some conference with some co-workers at a remote location. It started in the hotel room with my trying to get ready to go but not finding the things (mainly clothes) I was looking for. Sounds familiar right?!

Fast forward to me with two other people getting out of an elevator and since I don’t know where to go so I follow them. We get to the first little alcove/booth and these people I was following weren’t there. Poof! So there I was at some big convention center with hallways and rooms and audutoriums with no clue where I was supposed to be. And the clock was ticking.

Breakfast buffet from 8 to 8:30 and then the first speaker promptly at 8:30 and attendance is mandatory. It was 8:15 and all could think about was that I was going to miss the opportunity for food (priorities). Ask me how I knew it was 8:15 and I’ll tell you I swear I saw it on the Fitbit on my wrist.

Someone once told me you can’t read words or numbers in a dream. I’ve never been able to confirm or deny this claim, but I suspect it isn’t true. “Horseshit” I say.

That’s me employing profanity to garner continued interest like that lady who said fuck a lot in that Ted talk. Ha!

Anyway, when that dream finally woke me up I was over and done trying to sleep with all this havoc wrecking my dreams. It was 6am and the sun wasn’t up yet. I got up and got dressed and went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few household things I’d been putting off getting in the daylight. Wal-Mart is actually not that bad at 6am.

Now I’m just finishing up my morning cardio and I’m already fucking tired (and hungry). Damn.

Thanks Universe,

~Miss SugarCookie

Advertisements

2018-04-17 Broken Records

Balance.. procrastination.. balance.. sacrifice sleep.. social anxiety.. steps forward.. struggle.. too much to do. Rinse and repeat.

I’ve been writing this blog for 15 months now and when I started I was very much a broken person. A broken down broken record repeating the same sad story week after week. I was all “too much and poor me for my misery”.

But my goal was to get it out of me. I unpacked my insides and laid it all out on the floor in front of my own eyes so I could see pick through and see what I’d been collecting.

It was heartbreak and stress and sadness and grief. Life is too short to carry all that around. I looked at all of that and slowly started tossing it in the trash. I say slow because there’s no way to pay any price to speed that up. It takes as long as it takes. And it took a while but I got there.

It also took some big life decisions. Quitting my job for one. Going back to school for another. These are luxuries afforded by a long history of being a reliable employee to a few organizations. I always put my best foot forward and saved my pennies and then when I most needed it, I could gift myself the sabbatical that would propel me into the future.

Those five months were priceless. Being healthy, writing, relaxing, working on other projects I otherwise wouldn’t have time for, and going on vacations became my lifestyle. I slowly recovered from 2016. And in that time I also mostly recovered from the end of my five year relationship with Matt.

I say mostly because I’m forever scarred from what we did to each other. Two good People who couldn’t force love into being enough to make a life together because there weren’t enough pieces to complete the picture. We were right for each other but our lives weren’t meant to be intertwined the way one with my heart strings requires.

It was tough for me to say “no” and remove myself from that relationship. I’ll be forever grateful for the girl that swooped in and blocked me from that door opening again when I cried and screamed and banged on it. That girl I hated despite never meeting her. She’s moved to Cali now and the Universe only knows what’s become of their relationship. I’m grateful not to care too much.

I know I still care some. I know deep down I’m still in some state of perpetual grief about all of it. Good times I wish I could recall without being drowned in sadness and regret. Bad times and problems my brain has tried over and over to solve. Time has helped the answer to be more clear. It was a puzzle all along and like I said, for all the right pieces, there was just too much missing.

Still, when I got feedback from my mentor on that one poem that was inspired by him, I could not help but cry as I cut and created that 3rd draft. That’s my life now.. words and poetry and allowing all of it out for examination and criticism.

I was broken open and I’m no longer broken but I remain open. I’m open for whatever this new life path brings my way. If I submit a hundred poems and they all get rejected, then so be it. I think about the fact that I don’t have a goal. I think about how all along the goal has been there and my grand failure was not recognizing it.

A person can’t help but believe in fate when they look back at the path of their life and see every choice they made and why. Day to day, you can’t see it. It just feels like the same record spinning over and over and, at times, extremely boring, but those broken record repetitions are what lead to what exists now.

Two beautiful, loving, happy children. A new loving relationship. The loving pursuit of a life dream. The security of a job that allows me to maintain my current way of life. The beauty of spring blooming around me despite the long winter. The prospect of a future full of love and positivity. The new broken record looks pretty great.

There will always be struggle with balance and hard work and health and social hurdles. The difference now is that I’m not packing it all down inside myself. I’m open and therefore free of repeating that part of my history.

Now.. time to go write some poetry!…

Poetry is the New Black,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-12 Being Human

It doesn’t matter who you are or how healthy you are… everyone gets sick. I don’t know where I might have picked up a cold (especially this time of year), but did and yesterday I was down for a count.

I determined pretty quickly that my body needed to rest and recover and I was so tired. I alternated sleeping and working all morning and most of the afternoon. My Fitbit doesn’t seem to record naps that are less than 30 minutes but I’m pretty sure I had over 2 hours of naps between 9am and 4:30.

If I was at a regular job I probably would have had to take the whole day off. But in my current job, I was still able to log about 4 hours. That’s pretty great. And I’m grateful.

When I woke up at 4:30, still feeling like total dog doodoo, I decided what I was doing wasn’t making me feel better. In fact, I felt like the sleep was keeping me in a fog and making me feel worse. If there is one thing I’ve learned in my life is if something isn’t working, change it.

It was 70+ degrees and I decided activity and fresh air might do the trick. I also decided some boost of vitamin C wouldn’t hurt either so I got dressed and jumped in the car to head to the grocery.

Sunglasses on, windows down, I rolled to the store and picked up some green juice heavy with iron and vitamin c. While there I texted with my sis, who I had dinner plans with. She picked Panera and I suggested the one close to my house, which is within walking distance. On my way home from the store I decided to walk.

As time ticked by (with my randomly doing this and that) my window for walking began to close. Of course, not wanting to give up on the idea, my thoughts turned from walking to jogging. Yeah, that.

With less than 15 minutes to be on time I stepped out of my front door, phone in the back pocket and earbuds in hand. Yeah, that was me jogging in jeans on the trail that runs along the major street eastbound toward the shopping plaza. I had one hand holding the sweatshirt tied around my waist, the other hand swinging with the rhythm of my pace.

It reminded me of “bird-girl”, who I haven’t seen at the gym for weeks, running on the treadmill in her jeans, spaghetti strap tank, and bling. I imagine people staring at me wondering why I would choose to jog in that outfit. I channeled the spirit of bird-girl and said “Fuck it, I don’t give a shit”. It felt great.

I’m not a runner or a jogger. I typically hate it, but this felt different. I had a destination, goal, and there was a clear end in sight. Also, it was only 15 minutes so that’s not a huge commitment. I arrived sweaty and out of breath right at 6:pm and even beat her there. I washed up in the bathroom and was fresh and ready when she arrived.

I was actually feeling much better. The congestion persisted and my throat was still scratchy, but as a whole, I felt better.

Her and I ate and talked for a couple of hours. It was nice to catch up, one on one. I can relate to everything she is going through and very much enjoyed telling all the details of my new relationship. It was awesome. When we were done, she drove me home.

I don’t feel like I quite had the do-over I was hoping for yesterday morning, but I certainly made the most of my evening. I even had some extra energy and motivation at the end of the day, when I would normally be choosing to go to bed, and dove into my MFA packet feedback.

I worked my way through almost every comment and revised ten poems. There are a few I need to think on and revisit again, but it’s certainly a first step into getting my thoughts together on both the upcoming assignment and what I might submit to the school spring “contest”. More on that to come.

It’s already Thursday and feels like a Tuesday. Losing a half a day sucks, but it’s part of being human. I woke up early today despite going to sleep close to midnight. I woke refreshed and ready to jump into this day. I hit the gym early and might even jump back into school Work before starting Work Work when I get home. Wonder of wonders.

Like the weather here.. wait a day and things will change. Sometimes, change comes from within. Unlike the weather it’s a choice. I choose to make the most of my Thursday!

Doing ALL the stuff,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-11 What Timing

This morning I woke up after a very poor night sleep feeling unrested. I detected some congestion and drainage over night and now my throat is sore and I kinda feel like I’m in a bit of a brain fog. I’m also feeling crampy and, yeah, it is that time again. I have zero desire to do anything, including go to the gym and I’m just sitting here in my pajamas wanting to go back to bed. And it isn’t even 9AM yet.

Today is going to be the first day of the year the temps go above 70 here and it just freaking figures I would be sick and tired. I’ve been wishing for spring, and now it’s about to really be nice for a change and I’ll probably not even want to leave my house.

It’s still overcast now, so that’s not too enticing yet. Still perfect for going back to bed. I think I might just do that and try and take a do-over on getting up and moving. I think if I don’t, I won’t be able to get anything accomplished today.

Ummm, bye for now then,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-09 Sunday Sneaking into My Monday

I missed my Sunday Status yesterday. I skipped over that in favor of my little rant about my ex. Sometimes you just gotta get that out, you know, to get over it. The other very therapeutic thing I did was compose an email (not ashamed to admit that’s something that also makes me feel better). The email was to my ex and in it I included very specific dates and detIls regarding the history of our employment and the health insurance.

I included exact dates of coverage begin and end and who paid for what. See I keep maticulous records of that stuff that serve me well in situations like this. I also let him know I have the supporting records, notes, and cancelled checks.

I called him out on some of the other sketch shit too. I don’t expect a reply but he’s never acknowledged my emails. He claims to not check his email, but I know he used that same address with communications with the school and has replied to them. (I know because they tell me.. he doesn’t typically include me in his replies).

Anyway between yesterday’s post, the email, and this nice, pretty bow right here.. I’m washing my hands of this one for now. Time then to catch up on status… which, for the most part is completely average.

Exercise.. 14K steps a day average last week. That’s actually below average. And I only did 3 Jazzercise classes which I think is my new norm.

Sleep.. 7 hours 11 minutes average per night. Slightly above average for the current target, but I’d like to hit 7.5 hours.

Healthy eating… Always a struggle. I can’t seem to kick my sugar habit. The easter candy doesn’t help. I also can’t seem to get a handle on my nighttime binge eating. I’m making fairly good choices, but can’t seem to get my weight back down to my normal baseline. I’ll probably always struggle with this. Ugh.

Work.. Busy week. I was over my target number of hours by about 7. Money in the bank baby. As a side note, I’m going to have to start putting in more hours to qualify for health insurance. It’s gonna be tough with school, but you do what you gotta, right?

School.. Full time still and back to reality this week. With the delay on turning in my last assignment, the next one is in about 2 weeks. I have a lot to do to catch up. I honestly don’t know how I’m gonna do what I need to. I’m kind of relieved the end of the semester is coming. I really need the summer break.

Relationship.. Happily dating. 😊❤️

Things I’m looking forward to this week..

1. A Meetup with my sister on Wednesday.

2. Date night on Tuesday with JS.

3. Girls gaming on Saturday afternoon at a board game cafe.

4. Monthly wine night with LA on Saturday night.

5. A mini road trip with JS on Sunday. The first road trip test. 😜 So far, the fact that he suggested it and is planning everything is so refreshing. Score!! ✅

That’s it for today’s rant wrap up and delayed Sunday Status.

Time to Jam,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-05 That’s How You Know

How do you know if something is as great as you think it is? We’ll try abstaining from it for a while, see if you miss It. Then go back to it.. do you rediscover how awesome it is? Yes? That’s how you know.

I had to forego Jazzercise for over a week because of travel and school and work. Last night I went back to it and it was great! It reminded me how valuable both the exercise and comradery are. I missed it and was so happy to return.

As usual, my diet suffered when I was out of town and I’ve somewhat continued that self indulgence this week. The numbers on the scale are creeping up again. That kind of stuff starts to take over my thoughts if I dont keep it in check.

The last thing I need right now is to lose sleep over some stupid numbers. Goodness knows I think about it enough already. The steps and Jazzercise and imposing some control on my choices for meals and snacks is the path to success. Without Jazzercise (especially in the cold months) it’s all just elliptical. One trick pony’s aren’t good for results.

It’s true I have a whole gym at my disposal, but for some reason I’ve never really gotten into lifting or other classes. I keep trying every once and a while, but it never lasts. Jazzercise lasts.

It’s dance and freeweights and cardio and new music and routines all the time. Plus, it’s so valuable for an introvert/social frady-cat like me to be in a familiar environment with familiar faces. They know me and are super friendly. Priceless.

When I was doing a deep dive into my finances, I considered cutting it because it’s like 60 bucks a month. Obviously I didn’t but i have thought about it again recently. Doing the math, if I do an average of 3 classes a week, it comes to about 5 bucks a class. After last night, I realize the value all over again.

That’s how I know.

I suppose it’s also true for people. There are people I meet up with that always remind me how much I enjoy talking with them. Those are the people I want in my life.

I’m also missing JS. It’s a busy week for me and I have the kids and there’s going to be very little opportunity for a date. I’ve remained optimistic about us and so far there has been zero disappointment or red flags. I’m trying to remain realistic and logical, but he’s pretty great and there’s a part of me that wants to daydream about the future.

Every time I see or talk to him I’m thinking about how wonderful things are. And… That’s how I know. 😉

Reading the Signs,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-02 Back to Reality

Back home. Back to work. Getting the kids today and it will be back to our normal routine for the week. I did sacrifice some things last week (time) in order to enjoy my QT out of town and my homecoming so I’m hitting today feeling a little pressure to catch up.

First, however, is finding my center of gravity by getting back to my own personal routine. As they say.. secure your own oxygen mask first before assisting the kids. This means I’m back at my gym this morning trying to get some steps. It’s still going to be a short set as I had to do a few necessary/timely work things and I have an appointment soon to have my stitches out.

I’m still taking the antibiotics and realizing now the internal swelling/scarring of the wound may take a while to heal. There’s still an obvious lump inside my lip, and as I understand it, it may not completely disappear for another month or so. At least I can eat and drink out of a straw again. It’s interesting how quickly one adapts to chewing on one side of their mouth.

The stupid part of all of it is that I truly thought I was being smart by going in last Monday before my trip. That I could wash my hands of it all and be in the clear to enjoy all the delicious things Austin has to offer. Instead, I struggled all weekend to do that. When we had our sushi lunch on Thursday I could hardly open my mouth enough to eat a roll. For crying out loud!! 😭

It is true that I did alleviate some anxiety with a positive confirmation of what it was however that was replaced with anxiety that I had some infection and that it was going to quickly spread and I was going to be hospitalized in a different city. Perhaps I should look into getting insurance because something like that would wipe me out completely.

I’ve been looking at my current situation from the perspective of a really healthy person and it’s hard to justify the cost. If I think instead about the fact that life is full of surprises, and that bad shit happens, perhaps I’d have already pulled the trigger on insurance.

I really have been meaning to look into it, but wanted to get my work hours and income stable before adding anothe expense. That’s probably also stupid, because life doesn’t wait for the opportune moment to hit you with something.

Anyway.. maybe I’ll do my taxes and use my refund to fund that effort. (That’s right, I still need to file taxes). Self proclaimed master procrastinator! 😜

Time to head to the dentist.

Peace (and stitches) Out,

~Miss SugarCookie