2018-01-20 Dreams and Unresolved Feelings

Welcome to Saturday. In truth, it’s a day for me like any other. It’s gym time first followed by a writing workshop downtown and then I’m going to try and get a little more time in on a work document. My life is so exciting.

One thing good that comes from such a boring existence is a decent amount of sleep. I woke up this morning just after 5 and was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours of dreaming. And dream I did.

Last night the maker of dreams brought me incomprehensible insight into my relationship with both Josh and Simon. I don’t remember anything about the one with Josh and that one was probably inspired by the fact we hung out for a few hours at his house last night. That’s something I have not done for months and months.

We were planning to take a closer look at some self authoring, eye opening, life changing program he found online. Once I actually read the content in their landing page, I pretty much decided I wasn’t interested. Instead I helped him with a sewing machine and a little project to mend a few articles of clothing and then just talked.

With him it’s always the same story, only the days and weeks and years change. It’s not my story to tell so I’ll just drop it there.

The last dream I had before I woke up was about Simon. It was also really incoherent but the overarching “feeling” I had during the dream which lingered a bit after I woke up was that “I” was not good enough. It was just a feeling, but sort of sums up how that whole relationship made me feel.

Most things I did were inadequate. Some were indirectly stated through my interpretation of his words and actions and some were just flat out explicit.

I don’t have an issue with self esteem and I try and approach things with an open mind that there could be a better way of doing something. I’m not above trying new things and truly believe that’s the best way to be in order to learn and grow. So I was welcoming of the indirect criticism and even direct suggestions about certain things. However, feeling constantly inadequate was the result and that’s rotten.

Frankly, after some evaluation, some of the things I’m talking about were, in fact, not better. There might be a “proper” way to set a table and use a knife to cut with the right hand and eat with a fork in the left, but that’s just absurd. I don’t live in Buckingham Fuking Palace. I live in Nebraska and I’m an American who eats with a fork in my right hand. I’m sure that his ‘way’ comes from his British upbringing, but that doesn’t mean it’s better.

That’s just one example, but it’s a pretty good one. There were issues with my cooking and how he’s just superior but in truth, there are only like four things he made regularly and one of them was an omlet. Flipping an omlet in the pan does not equate to being a master chef and in my opinion, anyone who does not put cheese on a cheeseburger is just daft. Food is very subjective but there was a specific instance where I was made to feel bad about breaking a yolk when cracking an egg for fried eggs. For real!

Not only that but he went so far as to eat that one to “show” me how ok he was with it and patted himself openly on the back for that gesture. Yes.. for real!!

His habit of giving himself credit for these sort of things was just putting an exclamation point on both his self-centered nature and his general attitude that he was better than most.

At one point he said that he was proud of himself for being sensitive to my feelings. How on earth is THAT something to be proud of. You’re dating a girl and you feel the need to point out that you acknowledge the she has feelings? And this was after a conversation that left me tearie-eyed. So he made me cry AND THEN went on to say how wonderful he was to have recognized the effect that conversation had in me. Dude.. if you didn’t, you probably aren’t human. That’s nothing to be proud of. And even if you are pleased with yourself, maybe you should just keep it to yourself.

Several weeks back, before our breakup that wasn’t a breakup, I wrote about the fact that I wasn’t going to go into any detail about all his faults. Well.. that’s out the window now!! 😜

There’s more, but I’m going to try and keep it to myself. I guess I just haven’t achieved appropriate closure on that little experiment.

He’s supposed to come over to my place tomorrow to help patch a hole in my wall where the old thermostat and humidifier control panels were pried out. I only agreed to this because he owes me one and I don’t want to pay someone to do it. After that, I’m just going to let it all fade to nothing naturally.

Hopefully writing the unwritten will release me from feeling unresolved about all of it and my dreams will get the hint and just leave him out of the picture from now on.

Moving On,

~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-01-17 The Return of Bird Girl and Other Morning Musings

Today when I walked into the gym I immediately noticed the girl running on the second to last treadmill in the back row of treadmills. She’s hard not to notice.

Today she’s not wearying the bright red top that flows back and forth methodically from every end as she keeps Time on her machine. No. Instead she’s wearing a skirt that looks like it’s supposed to be a slip that goes under some knee length dress. It’s sort of a nude/pink color and, like the shirt from the other day, it flows and bounces back and forth when she runs. This is paired with a cami style shirt with spaghetti straps. It also looks like underclothing and As far as I can tell, there’s no sports bra underneath. I’m not really close enough to tell though.

Yeah, that’s her. And she’s here first to claim her machine. Today her hair is in a French braid and it looks longer than it did last time. Actually, I’m noticing a lot more of her features today than I did last time and I think that’s because I’m not spending my observational moments thinking about the possible dynamics between her and the man in black. He’s not here yet.

Good for her not conforming to the stereotype of typical gym wear. People shouldn’t have to be made to feel they have to dress a certain way to go to a gym and workout. Most do, because that’s what society dictates. I’ll admit I do too. I’ve got four or five workout pants and about twice as many tops that I cycle through.

As I’ve tried to thin my closet in the last few year, I’ve shed a lot of shirts and tops but most were casual wear and if there’s anything I’ve acquired more of it’s “workout” clothing. The only thing that’s trumped my purchases of exercise “things” is dresses. I have a serious weakness for cute dresses.

I employ a very effective minimalistic rule when it comes to buying new clothes. If I really want something.. a sweater or shirt or shoes, I have to choose two like items to give up and give away. That means, that if I really want that new dress, I have to select two dresses from my closet and put them in the Goodwill pile. This has really worked for me and what I’ve been left with are a small amount of clothes that I really love. A person doesn’t need a lot, they just need several key items that are functional for whatever function one might be attending.

I used to have a lot of business and business casual things, and that is mostly gone now. I’ve kept a few key things for job interviews and funerals, but most of the dress pants and blouses I had once are long gone. A few of my favorites are still hanging out in my “spare” closet, so I still have leeway to follow my rule if I find something I decide I can’t live without. I have a harder time, again, parting with dresses.

I’m somewhat attached to every dress in my closet for one reason or another and would have a really tough time choosing two to get rid of if I happen to find a new one I want to buy. It’s really a good thing I don’t like shopping for clothes. (infact I actually loathe it.)

My only sadness about my collection of dresses comes when I see them all hanging in my closet and I’ve got no place to go to show them off. Maybe I should steal a page out of bird-girl’s playbook and start wearing them to the gym. 😜 Now THAT would be a spectacle.

She’s left her perch now and was gone before the man in black arrived so I missed the opportunity to see him have to make a choice about which treadmill to run on today.

I’ve got some other thoughts about a video I watched last evening on Linked-In, but I’m going to split that off into its own post. Nobody shares a post with Bird-Girl!

Laterz,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-15 TKO from a Kick in the Head

Last night something happened that has not happened in a really long time. I got kicked in the head by a migraine and it totally took me out. Typically there’s something that triggers a headache. Last time I recall was in August and it was the night before the total solar eclipse and a terrible smell in our hotel room hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s most commonly some smell, like that, or cigarette smoke. Sometimes it’s stress, I think, but if I already have a headache, even a minor one, it’s more likely to evolve into a migraine when my emotions are in some heightened state.

That must have been what happened last night. Since starting the Whole 30 I have not been drinking any coffee. As it turns out, I hate coffee. What I really like is cream and sugar and coffee is just the pairing I’ve been using to get those other things into my system. I know I am prone to caffeine withdrawal, so I have been giving myself a regulated dose of caffeine each day, normally before my morning workout. Yesterday I didn’t have a morning workout and being off my routine (still), I forgot.

By the time 6PM rolled around, I started to feel a slight twinge in my right temple and as I went about my business making dinner and doing other random things in the kitchen, it slowly got worse. I realized then I had not had any caffeine that day and was planning on going to the gym to get some steps after all the chores were done so I had one then. I’ve also been taking cir cumin daily as a natural anti-anflamitory and I had one of those too.

At the gym my headache subsided a bit and I did some cardio and some walking and writing. When I got home, I went to settle into a spot with one of my new books and the headache came back, only worse. I took another cir cumin and an aspirin. I’ve been trying to stay away from OTC Tylenol or ibuprofen and so I abstained from both of those. Five or ten pages more of Robert Creeley and I knew it wasn’t going away without a fight. That’s when I decided to concede.

The key indicators of a full blown migraine are nausea and sensitivity to light, sound, and movement. Several years back, I was prescribed promethazine to counteract the nausea and the side effect of that is serious drowsiness. Well, that’s kind of an understatement. That stuff hits me hard. One pill and I sleep like a baby for hours and hours. Not a bad side effect, but it also leaves me not being able to get up and function in the AM. So I try not to take it if I don’t have to. Last night I did.

I told the kids to be responsible and that I was going to be down for the count and then I went to bed. Your head pounding to the point you are worried something inside could burst and you are going to die is not an easy tune to fall asleep to. I laid there suffering until the meds took hold and put me under.

Eleven hours later, I got up. I felt so exhausted and could have stayed in bed longer, but it was already 9:30 and there were things to do. I took my circumin and caffeine right away to try and wake up.

This situation used to be way more common that it is now. I can remember a time when I had migraines several times a month and that was just miserable. Its like your whole world comes to a halt and no matter what you have planned, there is nothing you can do about it. I know there are people who suffer from them frequently and I honestly don’t know how they function. It’s a very powerless feeling.

In any case, I’m finally getting started with some productive things this morning (which is now almost noon), and I’ve got to get my son to a doctors appointment this afternoon and both the kids are still sleeping. I think without my guidance last night, they both stayed awake way longer than they should have. It’s a good thing today there was no school today due to it being MLK Jr. day.

Happy Monday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-14 Sushiless Sunday Status Update

No Sushi for me today. I’m on day 7 of the Whole 30, which means no rice, which means no sushi. Waaaaaa.

While I am on the subject of food, for today’s status, lets just start there. Here are my musings about this Whole 30 thing so far…

Day 1 – I love eggs, this is going to be easy.
Day 2 – I love avocados, this is going to be easy.
Day 3 – Just bought another set of groceries to make some delicious meals, but I’m hungry for something right now and I don’t want to cook. My sister is cooking dinner for me, what a relief.
Day 4 – I love chili, and this was so easy. The guacamole I made to go on top just like my sister did is a great idea.
Day 5 – Eggs for breakfast, again. Still delicious, but I’m still hungry.
Day 6 – I think I might be eating too many nuts, but that’s not cheating right? I’ll just have another RX bar. That’s not cheating right?
Day 7 – I need to make that cauliflower rice thing before the cauliflower that I bought goes bad.

I’m still doing it, but recognize I need to ration my nuts and probably only go to the bars as a last resort. I read the label on a box of Larbars yesterday, and though all the ingredients are all whole with nothing off limits, it’s still “processed food” which is counter to the spirit of the program. The first ingredient is “dates”, which is also telling. Dates are “sugar bombs”, and if there is one goal I have in mind with doing this experiment, it’s that I can overcome my addiction to sugar.

I ate one yesterday, they are really sweet and I’m going to resist having any more until after the program is done. It’s one thing to have resolve, but another to maintain that resolve and not give in to tempation in the face of something so easy and already within arms reach. I haven’t been very tempted by the things that are in my pantry, which is a good sign. But can I hold steady with something as tasty as that? Time will tell.

With this sudden change in diet, I have seen a little bit of fall out so far in my energy levels. I have not been able to kick into high gear at the gym and have had a tough time with Jazzercise a few days this week. My overall activity has not changed much though.

Exercise…
5 Jazzercise classes and an average of 18K steps a day. I only missed my daily goal of 15K steps once and that was the day of the ice and snow where I was basically trapped at home all day.

Relationship status…
Single and (for the moment) happily so.

Employment status…
Part time and really digging it.

Student status…
Full time and trying to find my groove and figure out where to focus my efforts.

And last, but never least – Sleep!…
Average of 7 hours and 23 minutes a night, so close to my 7.5 goal! I have high hopes for this week. I can do it!!!

That’s probably it for now. Time to get today’s party started!

Stay Warm,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-12 Another Departure from the Norm

It’s the second day in a row my morning routine is really off. Today it is not because of the weather or school being closed. Today it’s because I am too nice and previously made a commitment to someone to help out with a new business venture he is trying to start and this week that call came in. I’m basically meeting him and a prospective client at her business for a meeting. His vision is a good one, and this initial meeting will be very eye-opening as to whether or not he’s really on to something.

I’m not going to go into any details, because it’s really not my place to say more about it. In short, though, I’m sitting in an office now, waiting for the other folks to show up. This means I am not working out, not working, not reading, writing, cooking, or running errands. Those are all things I need to be doing and instead I’m doing this. I’m a little irritated about that, but I’m the one who offered (over a month ago), so I have no-one to blame but myself.

I probably will not be back home until 11:30, and if I decide to go grab some groceries quick while I am out, then I will be even later. I appreciate my schedule being this flexible, but I’m not going to make a habit of this. I need my routine. I also feel fairly uncomfortable being put in this position. Meeting new people is not my thing and I’ve only got a vague idea what I am doing here. I asked again yesterday what value he thinks I will add to this meeting, and the answer was “I don’t know, but plenty I’m sure”.

It’s now almost 9:40 and I’m still sitting in the lobby. The gal at the front desk gave me a tour of the place and it’s very nice. I feel like it would be a great place to work. The longer I sit here, the more it is wearing on my patience. I need to think about something else to distract myself from the whole thing.

***

With the strange nature of my day yesterday, I was not able to get my steps and I didn’t do jazzercise and I ended up being up quite late and then was not able to fall asleep. I had this new song stuck in my head and it was driving me nuts. “Havana” is the name of the song, and I really dig it, but when it’s going around and around in your head at half past midnight, it’s just rotten.

I ended up taking a half a Xanax. Well, I tried to cut one in half, but it split unevenly and so I took the smaller half. After that I tried to read little from one of the new books that arrived in my mailbox today. I’ve received 5 out of the 6 books I ordered but one of them was was the wrong book, so I had to “return it” and order the right one.

***

Here I am several hours later (4 to be exact), and just got home and finished lunch. That consumed over half of my day and it’s just total BS. Valuable for my friend, definitely, but eeeek I feel way behind now.

I might just chalk this one up to a total loss work wise and go read some more of my new books. I definitely don’t feel like I am in the frame of mind at all to look at the same documents I have been staring at for a week now and also don’t feel like learning something new on AWS. To be honest, now that I am home and have FINALLY eaten something today, I kind of want to crawl in bed and take a nap.

I haven’t seen my friend Leah since before Christmas and so I should really try to get to her Jazzercise class today.

OK… so all this nonsense today feels like me just typing out a big long rant as my day progresses so I’m just going to give up.

We’ll try again Tomorrow,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-11 First Snow Day of the Year

My normal routine was interrupted today and mother nature is to blame… or to thank, depending on how you look at it.

It’s almost 9AM and I just woke up. I went to sleep just after 11PM last night knowing school was cancelled and the kids would not have to get up. Even with that thought, I woke up at 4AM anyway and started thinking about a number of things. Nothing of any real consequence, mind you, just stuff my brain is currently puzzling on. I was, however, able to fall back asleep by4:30 or 5.

Then, the alarm went off at 6:30 and I stopped it. That time, I was able to fall back to sleep almost immediately

I woke up just a few minutes ago and was shocked to find it was almost 9. That hasn’t happened since November 27th and even then, I went to bed after midnight. I really dig having a Fitbit and being able to know the exact stats on these things.

Anyway, the wind outside is pretty fierce at times and right now the snow is coming down fairly steadily. With dropping temps overnight and rain turning to snow, it means the roads will be an icy death rink and there’s no way I’m going anywhere until that gets cleared up. At least not in my car anyway.

So there will be no morning session at the gym today and no errand running and thankfully no chauffeuring to school. I’m going to let the kids sleep as long as they want and then enjoy having a whole extra day with them here that I would not normally get. I missed out while I was away at residency and I feel like we haven’t really re-connected yet.

I’ll still get some work in, and some AWS training in, and some reading and or writing in, but I’m going to allow myself to enjoy this departure from the norm. I think right now, some hot tea is in order and maybe some nice tunes to get the day going.

So Delightful,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-10 Random Gym Thoughts

As I move methodically along atop my beloved elliptical machine and peer out among the crowd today, I somehow have nothing to say.

As I look to my left I see a familiar sight. It’s the dude in black running the treadmill on the end of the back row of treadmills. I have my machine and he has his and we always seem to be here around the same time. He runs a long time and on one hand I have so much respect for that and on the other I think “how boring” because I hate running (my knees hate running too).

I can run a mile, if I wanted to, but when I do I’m quickly reminded that I hate it. Then, a day later my knees remind me they hate it too. It’s lose, lose, lose. Forget that!

Today there’s a girl running next to him. She’s on the treadmill right next to his. This is really curious because the whole rest of that row is empty and typically, as human nature would dictate, people always opt for space between the machines when given a choice. People usually leave at least one machine between them.

This means that either 1. She’s with him. 2. She was there first and he’s REALLY attached to that machine. 3. She has an atypical human bubble. No matter what, it’s interesting to me.

She’s got normal workout pants on and a very non-typical top. It’s a bright red shirt with three quarter length sleeves that flare out at the ends. The bottom of the shirt also flairs out in the front and back, so much so that when she runs the whole thing bounces and flows in an absurd way like some bird doing a mating dance.

Since the shirt is short on the sides, I can see inches of skin bouncing just above her waistline. I’ve never seen her here before so she’s probably a resolutionary.

This time of year i like to look at people and place tiny internal bets on how long they will last. If I were to do that with bird-girl over there, I’d say she’s in it to win it and she’ll probably be back for more for a while. Maybe she’s trying to decide if this “gym” thing is really for her before she invests in some more clothing. Who knows.

I’ll be honest, I’m not that observant when I’m at the gym. I’m typically in my own headspace about things and don’t much concern myself with what others are doing. There are other people that look familiar, but that could be because after a while everything sort of blends together like soft pastels on paper.

Of course I recognize Troy, the manager. He’s always here either working or working out. About a month ago I had a job interview with him and he seemed like a good guy. He clearly cares about what he’s doing and I respect that. I had to decline the second interview that was offered because I’m not doing ANYTHING for minimum wage.. ever.

After 8:30am, I can thoutfully guess that anybody still here doesn’t have typical 9 to 5 jobs. It’s a mix of students, retired people, and random others who might be on their day off or unemployed or self made millionaires.

Given its Nebraska and winter here is a fierce and fickle beast, I’d also cross out the possibility there are any millionaires here now. If I had a million dollars, I wouldn’t be here. I’d be at Macy’s buying you a green dress “but not a real green dress, that’s cruel”.

Bird-girl is gone now and the man in black is on his cool down walk. I’ve decided they are not together.

I can’t seem to handle any resistance today at all and I’m going to blame the Whole 30 thing. I definitely need more calories today. More protein and fat and things that make you feel full. I spent most of yesterday feeling hungry and empty. I can’t do that for 28 more days or I’ll die. For realz!

I should mix up my workout today and do some weights or something but I just don’t think I have it in me. I think I’ll just go home and get to work instead.

Over it and Out,

~Miss SugarCookie