2018-03-12 The Thin Mint Struggle

Welcome to a new week and we’re rolling into mid March like lambs and lions living together.. real pre-old testament stuff. Sooth sayers and Ceasar slayers, Shakespeare rising from his grave. Beware.. the mass hysteria.

The kids are already enjoying their spring break by staying up late on a Sunday and sleeping in. I’m back at the gym and the man in black is here in black and running on the last treadmill in the row. I’ve got Work to do and a party to prep for and everything feels right with the world.

Yesterday I crossed my heart about really digging my heels in and eating healthy this week and I’m doing it. I know what works and I know what I have to do. If I can make it through the candy and ice cream and potato chips and pizza that my darling daughter has planned for her party, I can make it through anything. It’s the ultimate test.

I know I can do it because I have before. After having babies my metabolism had shifted greatly and I could no longer eat whatever I wanted like I could in my teens and twenties. After having my Z I struggled greatly. I was heavier than ever before in my life and gaining instead of loosing. I really had to figure out what worked for me.

I can’t talk to People about this. They look at me and roll their eyes. I said something to my mom and she literally made a face at me and waved her hand up like “go away with that”. Thanks for the support mom. I’m thin, but the truth is, I’ve had to work to get back here and to maintain.

And if a person has gone through what I have, which is a whole other thing I need to dedicate a post to, then they would truly understand what I mean when I say “It never really leaves my mind”. The self image and body issues and feelings of not being worthy are real.

I might try to make a funny comment on twitter like “Thin mints have cookie issues too”, but underneath that is a contant struggle. It’s part of why I dedicate so much time to setting goals and keeping track of stats.

Unfortunately at this point, my healthy appetite for exercise is not going to do much more for me because food is the problem. Food is NOT the problem.. my choices are the problem. I’m my own worst enemy. I can be super motivated at the start of the day like now, but by late afternoon I’m saying “screw it, I’m having what I want”.

I think it’s tough for me because I don’t have external support. If I’m truly compiling a wish list for my ideal partner in life, this would be on it. I want someone who also wants to eat healthy and support me in my struggle. If I were to look at my two past long term relationships I see this…

The first one was a major contributing factor to the cause of my problems.

The second really didn’t support me at all. He knew, but was mostly annoyed every time I was trying some new “fad” thing. Low carb, gluten free, mini-fasts and unreasonable restrictions. When he heard about my Whole 30 from Josh, apparently he issued a major eye roll. Whatever.

Like I stated, there’s more but it’s worthy of some dedicated time and well thought out writing. So I’ll quit now.

Time to get my Monday on!

Let’s Do This,

~Miss SugarCookie


2018-03-11 Sunday Funday Status Update

Today my atypical weekend continued. I started my Sunday with the usual 8:30 Jazzercise class, but skipped any gym time and went for tea with a friend instead. I fit a little bit of work in, went shopping with Z for sweet 16 party supplies, and then to my Dad’s with the kids so we could celebrate (yet again) for her bday. I guess when your parents are divorced and your grandparents are also divorced you end up celebrating like 6 times.

So I didn’t hit my step goal today, but overall last week I was once again above average getting 20,775 average steps per day. I’m doing less Jazzercise and only did like 3 classes again this week.

My sleep improved slightly and I almost hit goal. 7 hours and 23 minutes average per night.

My eating habits remain in poor condition and I have gained a few more pounds and this madness has to stop. I don’t think I can do more exercise, but perhaps changing what I am doing will help. However, I know my main problem is the junk food and lack of willpower. I keep saying “tomorrow will be the day I’m cracking down on this”, and then it isn’t and I don’t. Something has to give.

The work week was really, really close to spot on!! A few more hours and that would have been dead on target. I’m getting more responsibilities now so I’m feeling pretty positive about this trend continuing.

The schoolwork is in a lull again and I really have to snap out of it before I get bit in the ass again with that procrastination thing. I need to put in some serious reading this week and catch up. My writing new material has kind of subsided too so I may need to break out some of those idea factory exercises my mentor sent.

My relationship status is still single. However, I did have date #3 with Bachelor #15 today (that was my tea meet up). I’m pretty hopeful about this, but cautiously optimistic. The ghosting thing has me paranoid but it just feels different somehow. If I may say, it feels “normal”. The right conversations, the right decisions on where to go and what to do, no red flags. He’s very responsive in text and really easy to talk to. He’s intelligent and handsome and fit and has a great job. There’s just a little twitch in the back of my brain going “ok, then, what’s the catch?”.

We already have a plan for date #4 so that’s also positive. I just have to get through the rest of these birthday shenanigans first. One more major thing Tuesday evening through Wednesday morning and then that will be over for this year.

Tomorrow I’m going to eat healthy and work and catch up on reading. Cross my heart!

Sweet Dreams,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-25 Another Sushiless Sunday Status Update

Instead, I’m having tacos! 🌮🧡
I know, it’s not Tuesday but Sunday is the new Tuesday so it’s OK.

I’m going to cut to the quick…

Sleep is still a struggle. Average of 6 hours and 11 minutes a night.

Exercise is waning as well. 15,768 steps per day average, which is still above goal. I was down to 1 Jazzercise class and I blame school and kids and blah, blah, blah.

I’m having all the food now. Meat, dairy, veggies, fruits, sugar (yeah, that’s a main food group), and alcohol.. everything. Including gluten and caffeine and candy. My new thing is “everything in moderation”. I know portion size is a key factor for me so I’m just trying to make mostly smart choices and roll with that right now.

I wrote a lot of poetry, inspired by late night, incoherent, sleepless (and sometimes inebriated) thoughts so most of it is rubbish.

I only worked about 15 hours this week which will NOT pay my bills by far.

I realized that all the crap poetry that I’m writing will not satisfy my next deadline for school and started to put some serious hours into that.

My relationship status is still single (shocking, I know). I was ghosted by a guy I really, really liked and I felt like shit about that for a few days. I’m over it now (more later on that if I finish my schoolwork).

My student status is still full time. Nobody is going to kick me out of grad school if I procrastinate something and then don’t turn in the most absolutely awesome set of writing ever. They want my money. However, I’m not inclined toward anything shy of perfection, so I am struggling with the precarious predicament I am in now.

On that note.. time to turn my attention back to Dickenson and Creeley,
Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-18 Sunday Status Update – Ugly, Uglier, and Ugliest

Oh how I have missed you, my sweet, beautiful elliptical machine. I know I’ve been gone for a few days but I promise you there were no other machines involved.. just people, work, wine, and a successful visit to the Red Cross (not in that order of course).

The stat at the top of my Sunday lineup is my hemoglobin. 12.9 and over the threshold of the 12.4 required for donating blood. That was yesterday and now I can put that on the back of the shelf along with my iron supplements. At least for about 6 or 7 weeks.

(Ugly – The return of the daily headache)
Noteworthy in the supplement department is the fact that I ran out of Curcumin (a turmeric extract) which I’ve been taking daily for several months now. I’ve been on my soapbox on this topic several times so I won’t repeat myself. However, the supply ran out and as the consulate analyst and experimenter I decided to take the opportunity to see what effect not talking it would have.

I’m not kidding.. a couple days and my daily headaches returned. It could be other variables like hormones, too much or not enough caffeine, not enough sleep, alcohol, stress, but it is too much of a coincidence to dismiss. A few days of that and turning back to Tylenol and ibuprofen had me running my fingeres to that “one click” feature in Amazon to replenish my supply. I’m day 3 back on it and despite drinking too much wine last night, I woke up headache free. Huzzah. I’m a believer.

The quickest jump from that is to take inventory on my other analytics.

Steps are back up this week.. 20K average per day but jazzercise class counts are still down because of other commitments.

(Uglier – The human garbage disposal)
Healthy eating was literally not on the table this week. I over indulged in just about everything I fancy and I’m going to go ahead and blame the deprivation caused by that Whole 30. Cookies, chocolate, fried appetizers, cheeseburger and fries and onion rings dipped in ranch dressing, fried rice, fried potatoes, and bread. All that was in addition to my new found, high calorie, favorite breakfast. Eggs, guacamole, salsa, potatoes, with or without bacon. Oh and did I mention the alcohol? 🍷 🍸 🍹

I’m in need of a serous course correction… on that AND sleep. I had an average of 5 hours and 50 minutes a night. That’s terrible. I guess making bad decisions was a theme for the week. My time in on my studies was shit too.

I should be spending 20 hours a week minimum on writing, revisions, and reading and I bet I only spent 4 at the most. I currently have no way to gather official stats on that. I could record it like I have to for my job I guess. But manual time cards? Ewwww!

I worked 22 hours which is right around that sweet spot and I have no excuses for not reading more for school. I guess I spent too much time texting with my new crush. Can I really have spent that much time texting? Not possible.

Oh yeah.. relationship status. Still single. Surprise, surprise. I cancelled my meet-up with Simon Tuesday and met him Thursday instead and it felt very much like meeting with someone you just have no desire to talk to. I was nice and the conversation was very much one-sided as I expected. I followed up later that day with a book of an email I felt compelled to write so I could say (almost) everthing I’m too chicken shit to say in person.

I didn’t say “hey, I don’t want to be friends”.. but my hope is that a person who is as perceptive as he says he is, could read between the lines. I honestly didn’t care if he responded, but I underestimated his instincts to counter my observations in an attempt to maintain his superiority. Ooops. There I go again saying something not nice.

He wrote back quite a bit and his disappointment in me and what I wrote came through loud and clear. There were a few things I could not let go, so I did reply back standing my ground on two main points. I picked my battles and I will not back down on either of them.

One was about my daughter and just don’t even try to fuck with me about my teenage daughter and our relationship and my parenting. Just don’t. The second was about his inability to define our relationship and not owning up to the fact that he used it to release himself from any responsibility to another persons feelings.. MY feelings. That’s total crap and he needs to know it. I sent that back last night and as of right now have not yet received any response back. Perhaps I will have the last word on it. I really hope so, but we shall see.

(Ugliest – Negative Self Image)
Related to my status on all fronts.. I’m just feeling generally not great about the way I look right now. I’m feeling sort of unwell and tired and bloated and frumpy. I’m definitely in need of some positive reassurance. Valentines day alone doesn’t help. Seeing couples holding hands everywhere doesn’t help. Don’t get me started on the affect of media, social or otherwise. I just want to turn it all off. Add to that the fact that I’ve gained some weight recently and don’t like what I see when I look in the mirror. OK, I’m a thin person by nature, but that just means that any fluctuation at all and my clothes start to become too tight and uncomfortable. I suppose the binging on food this week did not help and the fact that I’m still thinking about loading up on ice cream before this day is through is also not going to be good. What is a girl to do? (first world rhetorical question).

I need to put some hours into the schoolwork today and snap out of my funk. I just have to.
Time to Be Like Lee Nails, and Press On,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-12 The Open Book

I’m an open book waiting for someone to pick a page and start reading. I’m waiting for the sweetest bookmark a girl could ever ask for. I’m waiting for something to write another page about. Oh man… what a way to start a Monday morning! For real.

This week I’m going to try and get my act together and finish my self study on AWS EC2 and get to the end of two books on my suggested reading list. That’s pretty lofty considering my pace so far. But if there is one thing I know about myself, it’s that if I set a goal I’m pretty determined about hitting it. The Whole 30 was a perfect example.

This is the LAST anyone will ever read from me On the subject. I said I wS going to do a whole post with my final analysis on the subject, but like 2016, I’m so over it and never want to think about it again.

I committed to 30 days eating nothing but Whole Foods with a ton of restrictions in order to do a dietary reset. After the first 7 days I didn’t want to be doing it anymore but stuck it out till the end anyhow. And for what? Apparently nothing. Ok. Not nothing.

The positives…

1. I discovered I can eat eggs every day and I still love them.
2. I proved I could do it.
3. I learned how to cook about a half a dozen new super tasty meals that are healthy.
4. I crossed doing anything remotely like this off my list fo-eva!

For funsies, here’s a list of things I have previously done and concluded I will never do again…

1. Participate in a hack-a-thon. Mmmmm… nope. Not unless the prize is like 7 days and nights at some bucket list destination. Then perhaps.

2. Climb a fourteener. Never again. I’ve never been so pushed past my physical limitations in all my life. Ok.. maybe if I was training to be on Survivor or something. But only that.

3. Any 24 hour long event. Like that 24 hour long game-a-thon I participated in for charity a few years ago. To deprive ones self of sleep that way is just pure ridiculousness. At hour 22 we started playing a D&D sort of game and that was madness. (Me and my sick Magi skills still kicked ass though).

4. Push another baby out of my vagina. Sorry for the graphic but that’s just to stress the gravity and reality of bearing children. Don’t get me wrong, being pregnant was amazing and I’ve often thought I would love to be pregnant again but… not delivery and, uh, not taking care of babies ever again. Not my jam.

5. Any water sport where drowning is even a remote possibiluty. Near death experiences will do that to a person.

I think that’s it. Anything else I’d be open to trying or trying again. So I guess I’m pretty much an open book in that respect too.
Time to commit another page to the story.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-08 When Plan A Doesn’t Work

Yesterday nothing seemed to go as panned. Serious bummer.

It started when I went to my appointment at the Masonic center to donate blood. I’ve got the whole thing down to a science. That blood drive is every 2 months so it is perfect for the 60 day rule. I book my appointment using the app. A week before the appointment I start amping up my iron. The day of I do my rapid pass before I go.. and BAM, I’m in and out in like 40 minutes. Easy.

My hemoglobin was 12.4 which is too low by a tenth of a point so I had to walk away without donating. Stupid iron deficiency. It was probably because it’s like cycle day 3 or 4. I’m in purge mode so my RBCs are going to be low anyhow.

The clinical intake person treated me like it was my fault, which was super irritating. I go through great lengths just to have enough iron in my system to be above that 12.4 cutoff. I eat all the right things and take iron supplements and also match with vitamin C to get maximum absorption. I’ve researched this and I know what the fuck I’m doing.

So when she says “aww.. if you just woulda eaten some raisins this morning you’d have made it”. I wanted to punch her in the face. She goes on to say “and we really needed your blood too.”

No shit? There’s a need for blood? When is there not a need for blood??! I get emails once a week the supply is low. It’s either low or critically low and when I’m donating the very most they allow based on their rules, I don’t need some person pointing a finger at me like it’s my fault. Rotten.

Now my 2 month schedule is messed up because I’m going to try again at the library in a week or so. I ended up going to target to get groceries instead. Whatev.

From that point on, nothing else really went as planned either. Work was meh and I felt excluded but like I said, they don’t really need me so I just have to roll with it. I should be thankful because then I have more time to do other things, but instead I just sat online waiting for something to come my way.

I was also supposed to have a first date last night. Someone I met on Bumble. I was waiting around to hear from that dude too and didn’t go to Jazzercise or eat dinner or anything I would have normally done. I guess he was working late. This I completely understand because I’ve been in that spot, but after that, I had dinner late-ish and then was super unmotivated to do anything else. Whatev.

That lack of motivation has followed me to today and I feel like I just don’t give a shit about anything.

I ate my first chocolate in 31 days last night. Then I ate an entire chocolate bar and then I felt sick. This morning I weighed myself. After suffering deprivation for 30 days on that stupid program I lost ZERO pounds. Whatev!

Losing weight was never one of my goals but seriously??! If there has ever been a case made for the theory that not everything works for everyone, this is it.

For me I’m sure it has something to do with portions and my indulgence in RX bars… and possibly snacking too late in the day close to bed. Easy enough to test. Just don’t want to.

It’s slim pickings at the gym this AM. None of the usual suspects are here except the good looking personal trainers and their shiny wedding bands on their ring fingers.

There’s no man in black yet, no bird girl, and no creeping retired dude checking me out from across the room. No hot guys to motivate me to kick the resistance up on this machine. Whatev.

I still have a handful of unopened “open when” cards from Z from Mother’s day last year. One was “open when Plan A doesn’t work”. I decided to open it. It was a sympathetic message saying she was sorry the plan didn’t work out and went on to say that the good news is that there are 25 more plans to try.

“… Plan B, C ,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P, Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, Z”

That girl is a total gem! 💎 She’s the bomb really. I’m a lucky mom. 😊

So today Plan B it is. I’m gonna try and find some motivation and get some things accomplished. I suppose that starts now.

Turn that Whatev into Vetahw!

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-07 Mid Week Musings

When there’s so much.. where does one start?

How about with the fact that my car was inches away from being the 3rd vehicle in a parking lot collision at the HS this morning. It was Kia vs. some boat of a chevey. That boat came busting across the end of an isle like her ass was on fire and getting into a parking spot was the only way to put it out.

When I saw her coming, I started to brake, but I knew I was going to hit her because my tires are shit and the parking lot is two or three inches of packed snow. That Kia saved me from a LOT of grief by hitting her first. My front bumper was ‘that’ close! Stupid teenagers.

Z was still in the car and I said “learn from other mistakes. Both mine and hers”. I think she gets it. This month is drivers ed and we are exactly 1 month away from her getting her license. I’m not ready for that.

(My lesson is to not go through that back parking lot anymore – stupid.)

The last few days of work have been busy but good. Im trying to add as much value as I can. I’m learning lots too. My team is superb and they don’t really need me but this is an opportunity to prove I’m capable and dependable.

I’m pulling data and counts from AWS logs and managing the issues spreadsheet and answering anything directed specifically at me. I’m really trying hard to keep my mouth shut (or rather my fingers from typing my opinion on things). I’ve got lots. Haha.

This week’s true test is to see if ‘shiny object syndrome’ exists in the veins of the team and how strong it it.

My steps are taking a huge hit from this work thing these past two days. It’s really cramping my style. 😂 But it will slow down today and balance out. I’m confident in that. I’m 3rd tier support so after this test, I only have to jump on when things get routed to me. It’s gonna be great.

Even though time has been tight so far this week, I sliced out some yesterday to finally open the response to my first big assignment for my MFA. The email had the words “great first packet” so that was positive from the start.

Inside was lots of feedback ranging from instructional to praise. There really wasn’t one comment that said “you got that wrong”. Perhaps it’s because the instructional comments were written suggestively without saying “you missed the point”. That was mostly on my critical essays. The sparkly comments were on the creative samples I submitted.

Lots of sparkles! I’m loving it!! I submitted mostly new things which means 1st or 2nd drafts. There were lots of suggestions too but the fact that there were comments like “loved this” and “really liked what you did here” gave me warm fuzzies inside. It motivates me to dig right in again and get started on revisions.

This is what I’m talking about when I talk about management recognizing positive outcomes. It leaves people naturally wanting to work hard. Not that tough to figure out or do, but somehow seems like an elusive concept at some places… or they just forget. I dunno.

AND GUESS WHAT??!!.. As of right now, I’m Whole 30 free!! Woot woot. I still haven’t decided what to reintriduce to my system and what to keep out. I wanna take it slow because I’ve heard people have stomach reactions from having too much too soon.

I’m going to do a whole recap post dedicated to the topic, but in short I’m glad I did it, despite what folks might think from my complaining and ranting. I’m also very glad it’s over! Very!!

I’ll probably still have eggs with guacamole and salsa and breakfast potatoes for breakfast. ❤️🍳🥑🍅

Might be time for that soon actually.

Happy Hump Day,

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. Happy Birthday to my Ex Husband. Thanks for giving me two beautiful babies!!