2018-07-19 MFA Day 4 and 5 – Blurred Lines

I only just now having a minute to reflect on day 4 and 5 because things have been extremely busy and time is flying by so quickly. I only know it’s IS day 4 and 5 I’m thinking about because I looked at the schedule and counted the days ), 1, 2, 3 and that is where I left off last. There has been a lot. The lines between one story and the next, one day and the next are starting to blur and now I’m running short on time for the past.

I always try to pick a title to my posts which best describes what I am talking about. Like RH, sometimes it starts there and wanders somewhere else and sometimes it stays right were it is. The title to this blog could have been any of the following:

– Bad Decisions
– The Nature Walk and Hashimoto
– On Empty Tanks
– Why I Write Poetry
– Defending My Boringness
– The Proposition
– The Second Proposition
– Being on the Cusp
– MFA Sometimes Stands for Mother Fucking Artists (or Assholes)
– Good Decisions
– On Being First (and Last)
– The Good and Bad About Being Invisible
– I Still Don’t Like Scotch

I should write a little blurb about each one, so that I can maybe remember what it was I was thinking about, capture the essence of it, so I can write more about it later. But sadly, as usual “Aint nobody got time for that”. (I’m really not trying to compare my list to a fire or having bronchitis here.. I’m really not).

How about this – I’ll write a little bit now about.. something, and then if I get any comments about one of the titles above, I will write about that? This is presuming someone reads this and feels inclined to comment. Hell, my 16 year old posted a similar thing to her, now six week old you-tube channel and had like a hundred comments. So I’m going with it.

Last night instead of eating dinner at the lodge, there was a quaint group of us that went for Mexican food because one of the gals had finished her both her graduation lecture and reading (her non-fiction story was pretty amazing). There were just four of us. I had one margarita (on special for 1.99), and two ala-cart items from the menu. It was very average, but I was in great company. I’m not sure if the trips to the bathroom this morning are from the food, or what I drank afterwords out on the back deck, which also wasn’t much – a glass or three of wine, but I’ve been back and forth to the bathroom a few times this morning with some unpleasantness. I’m hoping that all ends before mandatory workshop this morning.

Today I have a lunch meeting with my mentor. The title I left out above was “The Big Reveal”, so consider that an option too. We also have student readings and I’m feeling great about that because I did mine two days ago. Quite pleased with how it went actually.

I had a late night last night and didn’t really get any sleep. This is not an exaggeration, it’s my truth. My FitBit tells me I had 4 hours and 14 minutes and I feel like that’s a lie. It says I went to bed at 1:12 and woke up at 6:38. The 6:38 part is true but I saw the clock at 1:15, 1:30, 2, 2:30, 3, 3:30, and 4 (approximations) – so I know I wasn’t sleeping. Between my stomach and the sleep deprivation, today is going to be rough. I’m not ready for it.

Ready or not, it’s happening,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-06-03 A Sunday with Significance

But first.. weekly stats! The top areas of focus this week were sleep and work so I’ll start there.

Sleep.. 7 hours and 12 mites average sleep per night. Score! That’s 12 minutes above goal and I only missed hitting that two of 7 nights. Next stop – 7 and a half. It’s all about baby steps though, and not being too unrealistic. This week I’ll be with My sweetheart and that means I’m liable to get less sleep. I should set an overall long term goal to be to average out to 7 hours a night. My Fitbit supports calculating averages for a week, month, three months, and for the year. Interesting that I’m already really close to the 7 hour mark for this year (6 hours and 57 minutes) so maybe I should shoot for 7.5 instead. 🤔

Work.. The last two weeks have been great. This past week I clocked my new minimum of 30 hours. It’s my new minimum because now I have to foot the bill for the kids’ health insurance which got dropped when my ex quit his job in April. It’s an extra 600 bucks a month. Gross! Interesting side note, he’s just this week quit yet another job. Supposedly he has another lined up AND is saying he’s putting the kids on the new company plan. I’ll believe it when I see it cuz i just can’t trust anything really unless there’s proof. I. Short.. I’ve got to maintain at least 30 hours to stay qualified for my company plan. And those extra hours will not yield a higher paycheck because the cost of the insurance will be more than the extra I’m making. 🙄

Now for the best of the rest..

Exercise. Average 11k steps and zero Jazzercise classes. That’s right, a big fat goose egg for the exercise classes. I also happened to do my monthly pulse check on finances yesterday and those classes cost me 60 bucks a month. As a consequence, and figuring the low class participation is a trend that’s going to continue all summer, I went ahead and cancelled my membership. WHAT??! 😮 Words I never dreamed I would write, but I’m realistic and if I’m not getting out of it what I put in 💲💲💲, it’s not worth it. The dollar rules a lot of life decisions, this is no exception. 🤑

I’m going to take a break for at least as long as I need to in order to take advantage of the bonus plan. Which are deals they offer former customers to return like 1 whole year for 399. That would basically cut my cost in half. That’s a sweet deal. In the mean time, I’ll be doing more outside and can pick up some classes at the gym to compensate, when I have time.

In other news, my diet/eating still needs to be reined in. I weigh more now than I have for like 10 years. I know exercise is not my problem… I know it’s food and potentials changes in my metabolism. Getting old sucks. The most ducked up part of all of it is this trend started when I did that insane Whole 30 diet with my sister in January. I didn’t loose any weight those 30 days and have been steady climbing ever since. I’ve gained about 10 lbs, which doesn’t sound like a lot but for me it is.

It’s bothered me so much I’ve considered going back on the Whole Foods diet just to see if it has any affect doing a second round. I’ve also considered going gluten free again. If I do either of these two things, it will be a good test of how JS handles me having food restrictions. Matt never took that well and was not supportive. It always bugged me the way he would roll his eyes about that stuff. Whatever.

Actually part of my weight gain could be a result of being in a new relationship and happy and just enjoying indulging in all the wonderful things in life together. Yeah, we work out together but we also eat together and having someone else cooking and serving me means I haven’t been choosing my own portion size. That’s gonna change this week.

Which brings me to why today is significant. Today is our 3 month Anniversary AND later today we are having a Meetup at his house where our kids will meet for the first time. Yowza! I’m trying not to think about it too much. I mean, they are all teenagers and I’m sure it will be fine. But I can’t help but have some anxiety thinking about it.

It’s going to be a fantastic Sunday! It’s beautiful out, the birds are singing, and everything is going my way. I’m so fortunate and I know it. This June is going to be busy and just balls-out amazing with the trips planned. Cheers to a great start to it all.

Rolling Into Sunday Sumner Fun,

~Miss SugarCookie

PS. If you tuned in to see how last nights cliffhanger turned out, all I have to say about it is that Sleep took over and after I posted I never even got back out of bed. (So lame! 😜)

2018-06-01 June Flipping First

Holy Rollovers Batman.. it’s June First!! April showers bring May flowers and May was so Hot, let’s hope June is so Not!!

One of my unwritten goals this week was to get 7+ hours of sleep a night. I had no excuses for not hitting that target. Kids are home, I can get to bed by 10, it’s summer now so I can sleep past 7, should have been cake. I was stars across the board right up until yesterday.

Two nights ago I was up late communicating with my Work peeps and then up at 6 to watch first shift for a go-live. All that = 6 hours or less. Funny though when I checked my Fitbit it still had a star and said I slept over 8 hours. 🤨

Looking closer, it thought I was sleeping yesterday when I took the kids to see “Solo”. Uhh really?! I wonder how it determines someone is asleep. I must have been really still during the show. I know it looks at heart rate too and I wonder if it thought I was in REM sleep or something. If I thought about that for a second when I saw it I would have looked at the analysis page that shows a breakdown of types of sleep… awake, REM, Light, and Deep. And I know it uses heart rate because some nights it says it can’t calculate the complex because of a lack of HR input data.

I acted too fast though and deleted the erroneous row from the dataset to get a true picture of my night/day’s sleep. As I suspected 5 hours and 51 minutes. So I lost my star rating for yesterday. Today I’m back up to 8 hours so I may still hit my goal for the week (in average sleep per night). Right now I’m at 7 hours and 21 minutes average, so I should only need to get 7 to stay on target.

So this week the focus is work and sleep. I’ve come to the conclusion that I always try to do too much. Too many goals and targets and expectations. I have to pick and choose just a couple areas of focus, well and not let the other long term goals suffer so much.

So no reading or poetry this week. No worrying about food or steps. Minimal social meet ups (besides the Solo event yesterday). And Solo wasn’t a social Meetup, it was classified as a basic need, like food or sleep. 😜 I was able to take the kids, which is why I’ve held out so long. I needed to know if their dad was going to take them last weekend. Since that didn’t happen I got the honor.

If I was into critiquing movies instead of cheeseburgers, I would have given it 7 out of 10. But since that’s not my jam, I’ll just say it was above average with decent acting and an ok story. Definitely not as good as Rogue One. Definitely better than episode 1 and 2 (but that’s not saying much). The action sequences didn’t really get my heart pumping much.. after all, my Fitbit thought I was sleeping. Ha!!

Today it’s going to be another hot one. I’m gonna Work some and then hit the pool with the kids. I may be focusing on sleep, but I’m still all about that balance.

Sing It!

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-05-18 My Dreams are Stirring Up Some Shit

This morning I woke up at the tail end of a bad dream that was most certainly my brain trying to puzzle out something it’s grappled with a time or two in the past and potentially still struggling with. I have an inner desire to please People and do a good job and I think that’s ok, maybe even a great quality, but what it requires is a certain amount of external acknowledgement that’s not always given.

In my dream, I was having a perform e review and instead of being conducted by my boss, it was being administered by a PM at my last company… good ole Steve-O. He was relaying some pretty bad news. I’d been graded at a D. First off, that’s not how we were actually rated. Our marks were based on a flawed 4 point scale which was flawed because under the present dictator, a 4 was unobtainable. Before he took over, I regularly scored 4s in most categories and my composit score was about 3.75. The last couple years, though, under his rule my composit hovered right around 3. This was despite working harder than I ever had and pouring the amount of blood, sweat, and tears into each week that breaks a person. Yeah, there’s no denying that my situation there was a contributing factor to my overall declining health. But I digress.

Returning to the dream, I was arguing my case. I was asking for a second review by objective persons. I knew the numbers were skewed by my relationship with the president of the company. Now I knew Steve knew this to be true, but he wasn’t allowed to go against the Man.

I said that I always put 110% of myself into what was asked and challenged him to go do a survey of all my customers to see what marks they would give me. I could see in his eyes he knew I was right, and agreed to do that. This is the point in the dream where I woke up. I was upset.

I got up and wandered to the bathroom. I thought about why I might have that dream now. I’m coming up on the anniversary of the day I quit that job last year. I know I’m not happy about my final performance review there. They did downgrade me in several areas and I’m convinced it’s because 1.) They did not want to Give me a decent raise and 2). They were trying to push me out the door.

Shit went down there late the year before with another employee and I was periferally involved because he was on my team. I was vocal about the President of the company behind the closed doors of HR but I have no doubt my statement was made available to the entire executive team. I was probably tagged as a liability. /shrug

Anyway, I know I always did the best I could so I’m looking for other reasons for this dream now. I don’t get much recognition from my current gig. The team gets a lot of props for hitting milestones and being awesome, but not a lot individually. I think I’m the kind of person that needs that individual validation. It is what it is.

I’ve also been kind of wondering lately if they think I’m doing a good job. It’s not the kind of gig that does employee performance evaluations or 1 on 1s with the “boss”. I might just ask him. Sometime soon perhaps.

Here’s the other late breaking news, which may or may not play into inspiration for my dream… yesterday I saw my elderly neighbor across the street struggling to push an old non-motorized mower through her 12+ inch grass and weeds. JS has one of these mowers and I know it’s tough to use if the grass gets too long. This looked damn near impossible, especially for her. She can barely walk. My heart hurt watching her. I offered to help.

I walked across the street and told her I’d mow after I was done working at 2, which I did. It took me an hour to do the front and side yards which were a bitch. Still, it was gratifying to look back as I walked away to see the job done. After that I saw her back out working on spots that popped up again after I was done. When it gets that long, the mower pushes the grass down flat and sometimes the blade goes right over the top and doesn’t make a cut.

I went back over and told her we could come cut it again this weekend to take care of that and my son might be interested in a regular paid gig. She seemed interested. But here’s the rub.. she didn’t even say thank you. When I came out the first time she broke down crying and saying she didn’t know what she was going to do. “No family in town and her husband is ill”.

Once the deed was done she didn’t even seem grateful. She was only interested in getting more help. I told her I’d bring my kids over and we’d chat more about it. Later I did that and she showed me and C the back yard which was a total wreck. A person could not even mow back there until all the debris was picked up. I wanted to grab C and run away and not look back.

All that may or may not play into my bad dream but it seems likely. Doing work, not being recognized for it (or thanked), and then having someone just want more. /shrug /shrug

So this is how smart, logical people approach the current situation with the neighbor… we write out an estimate so she has a paper to reference what the offer is and we include a price for first time yard prep. We crank it up just a touch so that it’s worth our while and perhaps that will give her pause and cause her to seek other estimates.

I’m also going to say it’s X amount for the re-mow this weekend and that will be a good test to see if she’s actually going to pay. If she doesn’t, then we know the deal is sour. I can feel good about yesterday’s good deed and have a clear conscience if that’s all we ever do.

Yesterday I said I was immune to the shit that happens in life, so now I have to live my word and not just type /shrug, but really mean it. “I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.. I will not become a bitch.” 😜

On that note.. I’ve got lots to do on this fantastic Friday. Time to jet!

/Shrugging it all off,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-27 French Frings and Other Things

Last nights sleep was amazing. I woke refreshed and ready for today and the weekend. It’s going to be sunny and 70+ degrees and I’m so so ready for that.

I’ve put in a fair number of hours this week and this weekend we’re doing a release of the application so there’s more where that came from, but it’s all good because the semester is essentially over and no pressing requirements left for that.

I’ve also been assigned a new project and the timing is perfect for that because I need to now work 30+ hours a week to cover health insurance. It really connects dots when you work hour for hour and every hour counts toward something. Insurance for me and my kids is going to run roughly 600 bucks a month and that’s ‘X’ amount of hours. If i want to plan a trip somewhere, that’s ‘X’ amount of hours too.

I also realize after doing my taxes that my new company isn’t taking enough out for taxes. They are taking out what I told them based on my W4, but I figured wrong originally so I need to redo that form. Oh the joys of our beautiful, free country.

On that note.. quite the news today about Kimmy and The Moon! It’s a historic event indeed. Peace talks progress for the Koreas and the whole world watches what the media chooses to share about it. I’d like to believe it’s going in a positive direction and that there will be a true end to the conflict in those countries in the years to come.

But change is slow and you can’t undo 70+ years of unrest, disagreement, and hate with a handshake. As Tailor Swift says, “bandaids don’t fix bullet holes”. (Yes I did just quote Swifty to punctuate my point about North and South Korea 😜).

If I was the world I’d be holding my breath hoping Kimmy isn’t shaking with his right hand with the left behind his back hiding a finger on some other trigger. Again, we only see what the media lets through. Right, left, foreign, domestic political agenda filters being applied every step of the way to our eyes and ears. There’s very little chance one (ordinary) person can read and listen to enough channels to collect and analyze it all to determine a real truth. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

That event in Korea didn’t pop up on my phone news notifications. What did I get instead?… Norification that Cosby is guilty. Cuz that’s what I should care about? No!! I don’t give a shit about that case. That’s not news. For real.

Wow… this post took a sharp turn!

It’s time now for me to stop stepping and go enjoy this amazing Friday!

Cheers to Potential Peace on Earth, 🌏

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-26 Up Before the Sun.. Twice

Sometimes the Universe has an ironic sense of humor and sometimes it’s just a supreme asshole. For real.

Last night I woke when it was still dark. Looking down at my Fitbit (to check the time) all I could see was that the battery had been exhausted and a charge was in order. I took it off and put it on the charger. Then Iooked at my phone and it was 3 something. Ugh.

I woke because I was having a bad dream. Not a nightmare by any stretch of the imagination but bad enough. I was dress shopping (oh the horror 😱) and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was in a mall and going from store to store and what I wanted to find was something semi-formal for a special occasion. The racks were practically bare.

I recall thinking that if I didn’t find something I could always wear one of those cocktail length brides maids dresses I already have. Yeah, even in my sleep the logical brain is hard at work. There was only a few dresses I remember seeing that I halfway considered before dismissing. Two more casual numbers reminiscent of “pretty in pink”, probably because they were pink. Yuk.

If you knew me, you might now that I love dresses but I hate shopping. I mean, I really hate shopping. I’ll avoid shopping for clothes at almost any cost. If I can’t pick something up at Target with a quickness, then forget about it. And malls… gross.

I won’t even shop for dresses even though I really like to wear dresses. For one thing, I don’t need anymore dresses and for another, I don’t have a lot of occasions to spur some need for a new one. So this dream.. bad news man.

Awake at 3, I check my email and opened something from Josh about weight loss and hormones. It was a link to a YouTube video, a six minute clip from a joe Rogan podcast. I watched that and it was enough to wet my appetite for more info but I had no desire to search for more just then.

Instead I picked one of the next things in the suggested YouTube list, a Ted talk about how to live a happier life with a more uncluttered mind. The speakers secret? Not giving a fuck. Really. That was her whole talk.. a lesson about how not to give a fuck. And how to politely say no when you don’t want to spend your time or money or energy on something.

I’m all like “no shit”. I could’ve given that talk, especially since I’ve been self taught (even if it seems like I’m not so good at times remembering what I learned on my time off last year). ReLly I think she was just looking for an excuse to say the word “fuck” a lot in front of an audience. I couldn’t finish the vid and moved on to something more interesting. A Ted talk about sex.

(Which makes me wonder what the algorithm is for showing you suggested videos). I mean seriously.. why were those the top suggestions after the Joe Rogan fat thing? Hmmmm. 🤔

The “sex talk” also didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I could see sinking hours into interesting videos on the Tubes, but my attention span can’t handle wading though stuff I don’t find valuable or interesting. So I was done. I went back to sleep and that was a success (for a while anyway).

Enter stage left bad dream number 2. This time I’m going to some conference with some co-workers at a remote location. It started in the hotel room with my trying to get ready to go but not finding the things (mainly clothes) I was looking for. Sounds familiar right?!

Fast forward to me with two other people getting out of an elevator and since I don’t know where to go so I follow them. We get to the first little alcove/booth and these people I was following weren’t there. Poof! So there I was at some big convention center with hallways and rooms and audutoriums with no clue where I was supposed to be. And the clock was ticking.

Breakfast buffet from 8 to 8:30 and then the first speaker promptly at 8:30 and attendance is mandatory. It was 8:15 and all could think about was that I was going to miss the opportunity for food (priorities). Ask me how I knew it was 8:15 and I’ll tell you I swear I saw it on the Fitbit on my wrist.

Someone once told me you can’t read words or numbers in a dream. I’ve never been able to confirm or deny this claim, but I suspect it isn’t true. “Horseshit” I say.

That’s me employing profanity to garner continued interest like that lady who said fuck a lot in that Ted talk. Ha!

Anyway, when that dream finally woke me up I was over and done trying to sleep with all this havoc wrecking my dreams. It was 6am and the sun wasn’t up yet. I got up and got dressed and went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few household things I’d been putting off getting in the daylight. Wal-Mart is actually not that bad at 6am.

Now I’m just finishing up my morning cardio and I’m already fucking tired (and hungry). Damn.

Thanks Universe,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-04-11 What Timing

This morning I woke up after a very poor night sleep feeling unrested. I detected some congestion and drainage over night and now my throat is sore and I kinda feel like I’m in a bit of a brain fog. I’m also feeling crampy and, yeah, it is that time again. I have zero desire to do anything, including go to the gym and I’m just sitting here in my pajamas wanting to go back to bed. And it isn’t even 9AM yet.

Today is going to be the first day of the year the temps go above 70 here and it just freaking figures I would be sick and tired. I’ve been wishing for spring, and now it’s about to really be nice for a change and I’ll probably not even want to leave my house.

It’s still overcast now, so that’s not too enticing yet. Still perfect for going back to bed. I think I might just do that and try and take a do-over on getting up and moving. I think if I don’t, I won’t be able to get anything accomplished today.

Ummm, bye for now then,
~Miss SugarCookie