2017-07-11 Portland: What People Do

When in Portland

Today we did what people in Portland do
And went to have donuts at the VooDoo.
Today we did what people in Portland do
And walked up and down 3rd Avenue

We spied some parks and a fountain too.
We ate at a food truck or two.
We did the things that people here do
Because when you’re in Portland that’s what you do.

Then we jumped in the car and drove away
Out of the city about mid-day.
We followed the nav and what did it say?
Take 84 East for a new place to play.

When we arrived at the falls we looked up to the sky
The water was coming from so very high
Should we hike it? Yes, we just have to try.
We did not come this far to just say goodbye.

When the sun started setting we headed back west
Time for some food and a nice place to rest.
We found a good spot, perhaps not the best
It been just lovely being Oregon’s guest.

Yes today has been full, it’s been tried, it’s been true.
There is so much too see here, so much to do
Today we did what people in Portland do
Tomorrow it’s off to the coast for a different view.

***

Best moment of the day… Walking on 3rd avenue when my 15 year old daughter and 13 year old son both held my hand as we walked. I can’t help but be grateful they still want to hold my hand at this age and I also think it may be one of the last times they will both want to. So wonderful.

Best quote of the day… Z: I think there is a skunk near the trail. Me: Um, chances are HIGH that is not a skunk! 😛 (then she punches my arm).

It’s only day one of our little adventure and already it has been so great. I’m excited to see what tomorrow brings.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-21 Still Too Much – Part Two (The Talking Heads Edition)

Two blog posts in one day.. that has not happened in a long time. It must mean that too much is still too much and I’m having trouble handling it. I’m just winding down for the day and am laying in my bed thinking about this reality. I’m fighting the urge to go down to the kitchen and eat the one piece of strawberry pie I brought home from my dad’s house.

I don’t have my kids tonight and probably have too much time to think for my own good. This means that the door is open for questions.. which sort of feels like that one Talking Heads song. I’m about to have what feels like a “Once in a Lifetime” opportunity and I’m asking myself…

“Well”…“How did I get here?”

I’ve got a beautiful house
and a beautiful garden
and two beautiful children.
I’ve got so much but still feel lost and alone.
I had a good job and now I don’t.
I’ve seen a lot of wonderful things in my lifetime so far,
But so unsure about the future.

I’ve made choices I can’t ever undo.
I just have to go with the flow, You know
Like water flowing underground.

How do you continue to choose
when you can’t ever know
Where that choice will lead
Where that highway goes?

Will I forever be questioning
“Am I right? Am I wrong?”
And tomorrow I may be wondering
“My God! What have I done”?

***
Yup – that about sums up how I am feeling right now, or at least the only way I can articulate it.

I’m getting ready to turn in I guess.. see if I can actually sleep.

Until Tomorrow,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-20 No Risk, No Reward

I have a wonderful friend from back in the day.
I’m going to call her, Princess KK
Now Princess KK is smart, successful, and also quite funny.
She’s pretty and clever and lives somewhere not so sunny.

We don’t chat very often, in-fact, almost never
Because we are far apart and, of course, busy as ever
But when we do talk, she always has good advice
And when thinking about it, you don’t have to think twice.

One of her sayings is about getting more out of each day
Don’t be too content and let precious time slip away.
If you want to make the most of life and go very far.
Live by these words and aim for the stars!…

“No risk, No reward”

***

On Thursday I had a good (not great) conversation with my boss and I brought up several of the larger points which have been weighing on me in my current position. Workload and expectation were at the top of that list. My performance eval was another topic. Mixed into the detail of those were other items of concern around current projects but I did not go into really fine detail on any one subject.

He acknowledged what I was saying. He even elaborated on a few things about how the state of the company is different today or in the last couple years than it was just three or four years ago. One of the big differences is that the company is now thriving. There’s a healthy sales pipeline and revenue stream. Even five years ago, when they were staffing up for a large project there was still a lot of extra time to do process improvement and make positive and lasting changes. In more recent times, there is so much revenue work, that there is no time to do those other things (or even sometimes pause to take a breath).

He acknowledged what I was saying, but did not really have a solution. This, I knew going in. Of my four or five current projects, he offered to shift one to another resource, which would help a little, but also make me appear (once again) like I can’t handle what I’ve been given. It is true.. I can no longer handle it.

At the end of that conversation he asked me if there was anything else he could do for me and I said “Now that you mention it, yes there is”. I asked for two of the three things that I had decided would give me reason enough to not leave the company. I kind of glossed over the first thing, working from home more, because I already do that three days a week and I’m pretty sure if push came to shove, they could easily agree to this. I then requested a four month sabbatical. He asked when I was thinking, and I told him after I wrap my current projects up by the end of June and he did the calendar math to conclude that would be July through October. And then he wrote it down.

“I can’t make any promises”, he said, but agreed to take action on my request immediately.

He does not have the authority to grant me this, so it’s going to have to go to the top. It’s a small company and things turn on a dime very quickly and I have every reason to believe they would be able to make a decision on this in the next week, if not by Monday.

I left work shortly after that meeting and was feeling very positive about the future. No matter what the outcome is, things this year will be better for me than they have been and I am marching forward to the beat of Princess KK’s drum. No Risk, No Reward. No Risk, No Reward. No Risk, No Reward.

It’s Time to Collect,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-02-08 You Can’t Always Get What You Want

But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need…

OR NOT.

I’ve had a cardboard box of stuff packed up for a couple of days now. The box has been sitting on my kitchen table and I’ve had to stare it down at every breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Seeing it fills me with sadness. The last bits and pieces of things Matt left behind. You know, like underwear and socks from his dresser drawer and a silly hat I borrowed one year for halloween. There were some family items he asked me not to get rid of and a food processor he didn’t really want but I never used. There were books and charger cables and cufflinks he got for being a groomsman in his friends wedding. Yeah, stuff like that. Five years of a life together condensed into one box.

***

Oh the tragedy of my broken heart.
The space inside it more empty from the pouring.
All the love and affection I ever felt for you
All the gazing into eyes adoring

All packed neatly now into a single box.
I wonder.. can a broken heart break even more?
Asked and answered, yes, with tears
As I lay the box at your feet inside your door.

***

I decided that today was the day I was going to deliver the box of stuff. Last week I concluded that I didn’t need to have a conversation about the state of our relationship or even just say what I wanted to say about it. I convinced myself that nothing was going to change and what words I had did not matter and I should just move on. This was solidified by the fact that I had actually attempted to reach out to set up a meeting and was thrice denied or ignored… I waited a week. But really, I’ve been waiting since last October.

I actually did not expect him to be home. I expected he might still be at work and I was planning on leaving it on his doorstep. I even wrapped it in plastic in case it sat for a while. But he was home and answered the door and I truly was not prepared. I immediately busted into tears and could barely get words to come out of my mouth. “I wanted to give you this stuff back”.

He said “I’m sorry I never got back to you. Do you want to come in and talk”.

I said “No, I can’t. Zoey is waiting in the car”.

He said “Do you want to meet for lunch or something”.

I don’t remember what I said, and from there it’s a blur. Maybe I said “maybe” or “I don’t know” or “that might be ok” or “that might not be a good idea”. I remember saying “I have some things I would like to say, but you are not obligated to listen”.

I tried to say goodbye and he asked for a hug. So we hugged. It was so incredibly difficult I can’t even describe it now without welling up with tears. Then I think he may have asked about lunch again. That time I said “If you want to”. That’s how I left it. He has to want it. I want someone who wants me. Wants us.

The look on his face was that of a person who genuinely feels bad. I’ve seen it before. It was one of remorse with maybe a little desperation and surprise mixed in. I saw it when I broke up with him a year ago in January. I saw it again when he proposed to me in the summer and I said no.

I’ve been through so much turmoil the past four months and waiting for him to decide what he wants was/is killing me. It was completely obvious after this event that I’m not over it, or even stable. If I can’t have a simple conversation without a mental breakdown, that’s pretty telling.

I don’t know what it is going to take for me to get over this. I want to be over it. I want closure. I want to be able to move on. But you can’t always get what you want.

The question is, if I keep trying, will I get what I truly need?