2017-12-15 Lions and Tigers and Boys.. Oh My

Yesterday was quite a strange day and full of expected and unexpected events. Most of it had to do with other people and most of those other people were men. Spoiler.. this one is on the long-ish side but the last bit at the end is super relevant to the story.

First, my ex-husband called me out of the blue while I was at the gym and interrupted my “flow” on the elliptical machine. We actually chatted for about 25 minutes and it ended up being a nice change up to my norm and it made that time pass faster.

He seemed to call for no reason, but I updated him on lots of things anyhow. Mostly stuff about the kids and my new job and coordinating things for the alterations in our schedules due to the Christmas holiday. It was a pleasant enough conversation, and in the end, when I asked him why he called he said something about Zoey and a text that came in while we were talking. I got the distinct impression he was deflecting the question, and then he had to get back to work.

Something is up, but I’ve learned not to question it or even give it a second thought because whatever it is, probably will not be that important and is likely not worth pressing on.

The second interaction was coffee with my other ex, Matt. He initiated meeting up and I requested coffee. He drove all the way to my end of town and we met at the Panera. He apparently wanted to just catch up. In my head I’d gone round and round all sorts of reasons he may want to meet and the thought even crossed my mind he might ask if I wanted to get back together.

Well, the thought crossed my mind, but I dismissed it. The conversation was mostly light, but did get a little more intense when we were talking about his grandma who is in pretty good physical health but whose mental capabilities are waning. I could not help but have empathy for him as the person who has the most contact with her and also sadness within me that comes from a place in the heart that remembers I used to call her grandma too. I still do really.

I had the courage to ask if he was still dating Lindsey, and he said that he is. Then he said a few things that seemed like puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit and it felt much like Brian earlier when he dodged my question on why he had called. I didn’t press on it this time either, but for different reasons. Someone once told me “Don’t ask questions that you don’t really want the answers to.”

I held it together pretty good and pushed my feelings deep down as we exchanged stories. What do you do with a person you know so well? What do you do with a person you still have feelings for? What do you do when they can’t or won’t or don’t feel the same way? I know what to do. Smile and fake it.

That’s what I did. I said all that I needed to say before (last year) and that’s why I can be free from regret and not feel the urge to say anything more now. I can just acknowledge my feelings are still there and have a conversation and also make sure he knows how awesome my life is right now.

I let my happiness and positivity shine through and suppressed my continued grief about “us”. It wasn’t until I was in my car pulling out of the Panera parking lot that I released that beast and burst into tears. I cried all the way home. Sometimes, life is just rotten.

Later in the day I discovered via twitter that an old acquaintance from years ago was in town from Cali and so I jumped in my car to meet him at Aromas in Benson. My turn to drive across town.

Gabe and I were not that close. We frequented the same circles and had several mutual friends. I thought to myself that a quick Meetup would be good for me and he was all for it as he saw most of his peeps at a tech holiday party last night and was just hanging out today messing on the internet.

It was really great to catch up and he’s doing some super cool things at Philo. He also recently took some time off of work and we shared a lot of commonalities around that. In an hour we covered Work, relationships, and what life is like living in the heart of San Fran. I discovered that when he comes back to Nebraska he always has A Wendy’s cheeseburger which he does not have easy access to where he lives (he’s living the car free life).

Wendy’s .. really??! Gross!!! I held my opinion to myself. After an hour we parted ways and I jumped back in my car to head home and start dinner.

That brings me to my last interaction of the day.. Simon paying me a visit to join us for dinner and evening activities. Cooper let him in and he came upon me in the kitchen while my back was turned. When I turned around to greet him with a hug, I almost missed the dozen purple roses he brought.

I’m ashamed of my first thought. “Oh no.. cut flowers”. I don’t care for cut flowers and I think the gesture is a waste of money and a shame to sentence those beauties to an abbreviated life. I practiced my faking it for the second time in the day and smiled and thanked him and promptly stopped what I was doing to get a vase.

In truth, I did allow some emotion to show.. just enough that he would pick up on it and ask me about it. I told him I had a tough day and asked if we could talk more after dinner. And so we did.

I talked about meeting Matt for coffee and then recounted the events of 2016 so he had a good frame of reference to understand the gravity of my meetup and the depth of my emotions.

He listened and attempted to find relatable connections in his own life. Some relationship he had 20 years ago that left him feeling the same things years later. I appreciated him listening to me and I know he’s smart enough to pick up on the other connection. I left Matt because he could not commit to a future and I’m not about to be in a relationship with someone else who has the same limitation.

We did not talk about “us” much. There’s nothing really to talk about. The cut flowers say it all.

One might say “how was he to know not to bring you cut flowers?”. My response to that is so revealing…

If you are seeing a girl and you know she’s into writing and you know she writes poetry you ask her about it. This is not freaking rocket science.

If you ask her she’ll be overjoyed that you are interested and she’ll share her blog with you so you can read what she’s written. If you want to be supportive and show you care about her interests and feelings, you’ll visit the blog and read at least some of her writing.

In my case, anyone who does that would most certainly read the poem on my home page. It’s called Long Talks and Sidewalks and the post has been “sticky” at the top for about nine months now (which it isn’t anymore because I’m getting ready to post something new). The second line of the poem says “Don’t bring me cut flowers and expect me to smile and swoon”. And it goes on to explain why.

Even if one were to assume that this is just poetry and words and fluff, they should have the wherewithall to inquire further about it… if they care.

I don’t think all of this is unreasonable. If it’s unreasonable, please someone tell me. As it is, Simon and I have been seeing each other for five months and he knows about my affinity for poetry and that I have a blog but has never inquired beyond that. If he brought me flowers on a second date or something, that would be different, but it has been five months.

There could be lots of reasons for that, but I’ve taken so much interest in things he cares about, the fact that it’s very one-sided is a concern for me. Like I wrote a few days ago, I don’t need someone to be totally gaga about my passions, but an ounce of interest is absolutely required. I added that to the scale a while back. The presentation of flowers just solidified it. /sigh

I guess I’ll just keep skipping merrily along this yellow brick road with a keen eye looking out for more lions, tigers, and .. uh.. bears. 🐻 😉

There’s No Place Like Home,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-12-10 The Curse of the Logical Mind

There is no escaping reality. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Well.. I’ve tried enough to feel really shitty for a couple of days after drinking too much. That’s where I was last year in the weeks leading up to and following Christmas. I hit rock bottom and did not want to live anymore. I was not suicidal, but I remember thinking I just could not do it anymore. Something had to change.

What I am writing now is not about that, nor is it about my failed relationship with Matt or any of the details behind why I had to quit my job. I’ve gone round and round those topics so much, there is no need to repeat it. What it is about, is now, and how no matter how much I try to just hum merrily along to life’s sweet melody, there are tough things to face and facts that weigh heavy on my mind.

I’ve been enjoying a fair amount of success with just about everything I try, for a long time. One thing that seems to dodging me, has to do with relationships. More specifically, romantic relationships. This year I attempted to dip my toe into the dating pool and got in enough to realize how unpleasant the water is, and got right back out again. I did, however, find someone on my way out.

We met on July 23rd and it was very slow to start. In the month to follow, I only saw him a couple of times and a few of those took me way outside my comfort zone, but I kind of dug it. In September we started seeing each other more and by October I was staying over at his house some nights when I did not have the kids. That continued into November as I became more and more comfortable with things, and not worried as much about how he feels about me. The other thing that I realize more and more as time goes by is that he’s not right for me.

I’ve done so much soul searching, self-evaluation, and analysis of past relationships in the last couple of years, I think I have what I want and what I need from a partner pretty nailed down. I’m “in it to win it” so to speak. I want someone for the duration. The duration being.. the rest of my life. I need someone who wants and needs me, which one would think would be easy to find. I want a partner who I can challenge and who will challenge me so we can elevate each other and be better human beings. I want someone who wants to be active and healthy with me. I want someone who likes to travel and experience new things. I want someone who I can communicate with and who does not have issues with communication. Obviously I want to find a good person with a kind heart. There’s lots of fine print, but these are the general overarching qualities.

I don’t want to just completely dismiss the fine print, because we all know the devil lives in the details. Maybe those general things above are fairly easy to come by and can help me rule out certain people very easy on (if I ever decide to date again). The tricky part is determining if any of the details will also be a deal breaker. This is where my logical mind starts to wreck havoc on my thought processes. The problem (or curse) may not even be a logical one, but instead just my tendency to overthink things.

As of right now, my brain has started compiling a list of these details as far as Simon is concerned and most of them have little red flags attached. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of positives too, but how do they stack up against the other side? In a world ruled by balance, if the scales are tipped too far the wrong way, it’s hard to ignore.

If I were to start listing out some of these details one might think I was certifiably crazy, but I am who I am and I know what I am capable of overcoming and dealing with and what I am just not. I also know some things based on my historical relationships, and if those red flags present, then it’s for sure trouble, because it means it was something I could not get over.

  1. I don’t want to be cold. If the house is set below 70 degrees, ever, that’s not an environment I can be comfortable in.
  2. I don’t want to have to drive across town to see someone, and if I do, then they have to split that driving 50/50. In fact, it’s great if most things are 50/50. If I end up doing most things myself (including paying for things), then forget about it. (obviously more applicable if living together).
  3. I do fad-diets and go through cycles of eating and not eating certain things. I not only don’t want to be judged for this, but I also want to be supported. In this category is also my love for cheeseburgers. I love them. I can’t be dealing with a cheeseburger hater.
  4. I need someone who is interested in what I am doing. This is an extension of the thing I said above about wanting someone who wants and needs me. They don’t have to be interested in poetry or writing or gardening or whatever, but if it is something I’m doing, I want them to be interested in that and care enough to ask about it and talk about it.
  5. I can only compromise so far when it comes to my parenting style. I don’t know how much more I want to or need to change how things operate in my house. I’m all ears when it comes to advice, but I’m not going to start parenting differently. This is obviously bigger than a bread box, but becomes important when I start thinking about living with someone.

Thus far, my time with Simon has been good. He’s a good person with a unique and refreshing outlook on life. He’s a happy, positive person who is interested in health and well-being and staying active. We’ve had some great moments and I’ve grown as a person because of things we have done together. I’ve had instances where I felt such joy and the warm feeling of happiness inside.. and at least once where the words “I love you” almost slipped out of my mouth. However, I can’t help the slow methodical creeping of thoughts and those “red flag” instances piling up on one side of the scale.

The biggest thing at this point is his general approach to living. He wants to live in the moment and not think about the future. That, of course, is contrary to one of my biggest items.. the longevity of the relationship. If he’s never going to be thinking about the future, then there is no future for us. And if there is no future for us, then I’m not down for that. I spent five years of my life with the last guy, without a promise for a future, and I don’t intend to do that again.

So even without the temperature, distance, and parenting discrepancies, that’s the big thing. If somehow that changed, and he was suddenly wanting to plan a future and we started talking about that, the other things would come into play. There are elements in all five of the issues above that concern me.

The latest one happened yesterday when he made me a burger. He asked me if I wanted cheese and I said that I would defer to his taste on it since it was his masterpiece. He said he never eats cheese on a burger because it does not seem to have any benefit for pleasing the palate and that the two (burger and cheese) are really not meant to be paired for that reason. Now have you ever heard such blasphemy in all your days? I know I haven’t.

That was probably the last straw. Now I know I said you would think me crazy, and I does not hurt my feelings if you do, but this little nugget weighing on my mind, on top of all the others, just solidified what I already knew to be true but was in denial because I wanted so much for it to be just wonderful.

As with all things, timing is everything. It’s the holidays and we have plans coming up this weekend when his daughter gets back in town. I need to wait out the current PMS phase to see if my feelings will soften a bit, but I just can’t envision enough of a change in the dynamic to warrant some re-consideration.

I recognize my own failure in this process is my lack of communication which is partially due to a fear of rejection. I’ve been enjoying our time and did not want it to end so I’ve been mostly silent on all of this.. Including the cheeseburger comment yesterday. I need to be able to fix that. I’m just not sure how.

Just another problem my logical mind will most assuredly try to solve in its spare time (hopefully not while I am trying to sleep).

Enough for Now,
~Miss SugarCookie

 

2017-12-10 Like Plants Vs. Zombies – It’s About Time

A couple years ago Plants Vs. Zombies 2 came out and it was the long awaited, quite overdue sequel to the first game. That first game was something I had never played.

The truth is, I don’t play many video games and am not really into that sort of thing. I have a long history of having and sticking with my favorites.

Here’s the rundown…

In Jr. High we got an Atari 2600. It was mostly for my bro who amassed like 60 games from that time through the duration of us attending high school. I tried every game, but really only seriously played a few.

Joust – Which was fun and challenging and immensely easier than the arcade version (at the lower levels). I have a funny story about that game, but it’s too long so I’ll save it for another time.

Raiders of the Lost at Arc. This was one of the only “quest” games with a story that had a beginning and an end that we had. Once you solved it, there was no point in doing it again. Sometimes we would do it again just to see how fast we could solve it.

And my all time favorite Atari game.. Qberts Cubes. This was a spin off of the much more well known Qbert game which I actually hated. I was a rockstar at Qberts Cubes. I would sail through the lowest levels with ease and by the time I got to the harder stages, my brain was in sync with the muscle memory of every pattern and move I just kicked ass. I got in the zone on this game like other people memorized playing pac-man. It was most excellent. It was also the only game I could beat my brother at, so that probably boosted my motivation some. There’s another story about competition between us but that will have to wait too.

That was it for Atari. After high school my bro went away to college and I lost interest. I didn’t really get in on the inception of the Nintendo or Super Nintendo systems but I did end up investing in their Gameboy. I still have my first gen, black and white screen device that came with “Tetris” and it still works!

I had about half a dozen games but the only one that I played regularly was “Super Mario”. This, like “Raiders” was somewhat of a story. There were still levels and it was repetitive but there were boss fights and and a definite end to the game. I beat it too many times to count. Why it was still appealing after the first time, I don’t understand, but it was.

That phase of my life was still quite juvinile. Once I moved back to Omaha and got a “real” job, I dropped games completely. Then I went back to school to get my bachelors and then I had my babies and, well, time became a precious commodity. No more games.

Many, many years later when school was done, my kids were more independent, and I’d successfully navigated my divorce, I was re-introduced to hand held games in the form of apps on my IPod.

It was Rich who not only bought me my first IPod but also got me into Words with Friends and a puzzle game called Drop7. Other games came and were deleted quickly, but Drop7 had that “it” factor that kept me coming back for more.

When I started dating Matt, we went through a Candy Crush phase and that’s when I dropped Drop7. After that came and went, I didn’t find anything else that could capture my interest for a while. It was during those five years that Plants Vs. Zombies 2 came out, and though I was all about being on the green side, helping Dave re-find the perfect taco while thwarting the attacks of the relentless Zombies, I did not get very far before the levels just stressed me out. I didn’t like the speed-up and time constraint and if there is one thing I did not need of more of in my life, it was stress. I quickly let that one go.

This brings me both to the present day and my current game. Unlike all the others, I found this one on my own. I was at Starbucks and they had a free “app of the week” promo. One week it was this game called “Two Dots”. I downloaded it and have been hooked ever since.

Actually.. I don’t need to elaborate on this any further because I’ve already done that. My post from August 24th of this year gets down into the weeds a bit on it.

https://theorganicsugarcookie.wordpress.com/2017/08/24/2017-08-24-you-mediate-your-way-ill-mediate-mine/

I’m currently on level 1140. There is no end to the levels or the game. It does not really get more difficult either, but the puzzles and challenges change all the time as they add different mechanics to the game. Maybe that’s the perfect combination for me. It’s easy enough to be enjoyable but challenging enough that my brain never gets bored. If only real life were like that.

My intention today was to go there.. to real life and finally hash through my current relationship woes. I’ve been putting it off for weeks now. However, now I’ve spent too much time reminiscing about video games and I need to get started with my day. I’ve got lots of stories to share, past and present, but there never seems to be enough time. Just like Plants Vs. Zombies.. It’s about time.

There’s Always Time for Tacos,
~Miss SugarCookie

 

2017-11-25 Grateful for the Not So Great

This past week was supposed to be all about being grateful, which I am. It was supposed to be about giving thanks and acknowledging those people and things in our lives we are fortunate enough to have. I feel like I do that all the time, in a way, so this week was nothing special. I’ve tried before to keep a daily record of what I’m grateful for but it typically fails after a week or two. Strange, because I am so good about writing about everything else in my life, but I don’t question it too much.

When I’m on a walk, like I went on yesterday around MY Walnut creek I always experience something new. Yesterday was so sunny and warm and also incredibly windy at the lake. Looking out over the water as I came around that most familiar bend was like being back at the Ocean. There were white caps it was so windy. For a tiny little lake like, that’s pretty impressive. I was sort of cursing the wind because it was so strong it was taking my breath away and blowing in my eyes so much my eyes were constantly watering, but at the same time, I was grateful to be able to experience that. So yeah, grateful even for things that are not so great.. that’s where it’s at.

Then we (I was with Josh), came around the other bend and I could see people on the little island on the lake that has a tiny bridge out to it and nothing more than a few trees and bushes and a bench. Every time I look at that bench I’m reminded of my history with it. It’s a rich history of deep discussion and contemplation and blossoming love and then in the end, heartbreak.

Growing up I always dreamed of how I might be proposed to, even though I swore I never wanted to be married. It was similar to having the names of my children picked out even though I never wanted to have babies. I imagined some handsome guy getting down on one knee in a romantic setting. Perhaps we were on a vacation at some breathtaking place or at a fancy restaurant. Often I was being picked up in a really nice car and just being driven away. Most of the time, it involved thoughts of rescue or escape from my lonely ordinary life to something extraordinary.

I never dreamed I would be proposed to over the phone from someone 1000 miles away, and drinking (my first husband admitted to being intoxicated when he asked me to marry him many years after the fact). I never dreamed I wouldn’t get to look that person in the eye and say yes and engage in the happiest warm embrace of my life. And I certainly never dreamed, that if that romantic destination and the down on one knee and the heartfelt speech were all together and played out just as I had always imagined that I would ever, in a million years, say “no”.

But that is what happened on that bench. That was a terribly emotional day. I agreed to meet Matt at Walnut for a walk and talk and he brought a pack with water and snacks to share on our island, on our bench. I broke up with him a week before that because things were not good between us and the shallow attempts on both our parts to change were clearly not going to be enough. I agreed to go and listen to him, but steeled myself and vowed to myself to stay strong and not give in to requests to get back together. I had no notion he would propose.

When we got to our bench, he took out a book.. a little blank journal that had a handful of pages filled out. He began to read. It was the story of our history together with words and thoughts he’d never shared with me before. He was shaking as he read it and crying and soon I was crying too. My walls were breaking down and I knew I was going to have a tough time sticking to the vow I’d made to myself earlier in the day. Then he got to the end of the story and did that thing that I did not expect. He reached into the bag and got down on one knee and tried to hand me the box and ask me to marry him.

That’s a moment I will never forget. It was just how I had always imagined, except that in my thoughts, it would be someone who loved me and wanted to marry me and commit to a life together because that is what we both wanted, not as a last attempt to get me back after the relationship was over. No, that’s not why you propose to someone and I realize the who and the why are more important than the where and the when. If I’d have said yes, my life might look a whole lot different now. I’d have that “yes”, but it would always be tainted.

Yesterday as I walked the path and looked out at that bench I was reminded of that day and that moment and that choice. I will always be reminded of it whenever I’m there. The memory of the look on his face and my internal screaming of “no, no, no, no, this is NOT how you propose to a girl, this is not how this is supposed to happen, you ruined it”, which came out in a very kind, “no, please don’t” as I took his hand and the box and urged him to stand back up. I will always remember having to make that choice. And I will always be grateful.

A few days ago, it was thanksgiving and it was a very easy day and I wrote about how easy it is to be grateful for all the wonderful things in my life. But it’s always easy to be grateful for the good. The trick is mastering gratitude for the hard times, for the tough moments, and for all the things in our lives which are not so great, but none the less, are part of what makes us who we are. I am who I am today partly because of that moment, and all the other tough times that I had to go through to get back to the good. I’m thankful for the opportunity to feel, and keep feeling and keep trying. I want to always try and find the good in the not so good. It’s tough to do until you are on the other side of it, but we should always try.

If we can do that, then, my friends, we have found a true gift.

Always and Forever,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-22 Flipping the Script

Wow.. I haven’t written anything for a couple of days. I’ve also not exercised in a couple of days nor have I gotten my steps in. You could say I’ve pretty much deviated away from my normal script with regards to just about everything.

I’m not sure why that is. I sort of decided on Monday I was going to really crack down on getting some legit job searching stuff done. However, I have very little to show for it. I don’t yet have an updated resume, I have not actually applied for any more jobs, and I’ve really only had two job related conversations with people. Those were two pretty important conversations, but not enough to make up for the fact that it is now Wednesday and the end of the week because it’s a holiday. I guess that means most people and places aren’t working that much anyhow, so it’s OK if I don’t either right?! 😉

I do have friends in town for the holiday and have spent a little extra time with them this week. I also capitalized on the nice weather Monday to get my garlic in the ground (which it is way past due) and the rest of the hundreds of spring bulbs that I bought. I had to dig up some new areas for that, which is kind of like exercise, so I’m going to go with that. It does not explain yesterday and today, but I’ve really not been feeling that great either.

In fact, I’ve been battling a headache all day and I haven’t had a headache in weeks. On the one hand I’m like “wow, I haven’t had a headache in weeks and that’s so noteworthy”. I have a long history of headaches and quite recently decided to ween myself off of acetaminophen and ibuprofen. I’ve wanted to blog about that, and it’s on my list of things to follow up and write about. But now I do have a headache so instead I’m thinking about how much it sucks.

I’m still resisting the OTC pain meds, which means I’m trying to drink a lot of water and also have taken several curcumin pills (curcumin is a plant extract and natural inflammatory). I also tried to lay down to take a nap but my brain is not having it.. not with the night I have planned ahead coming up pretty quick now.

It’s the first night I’ll be accompanying Simon to some get together with friends of his and I’m nervous about that. He’s such an extrovert, I’ll likely just have to stand there and make small talk at the most, but still, the thought of being around new people (and those I will want to like me), is causing my social anxiety to flare up.

That all pales in comparison though to the thing after the thing. Apparently everyone is going to some Karaoke place and Simon is super excited to sing and has mentioned several times about me “showing them what I’ve got”. As if I’m a singer or something. I’m not a singer. I sang in choir in high school.. that’s it. Anything anyone ever did in high school doesn’t qualify them for shit as far as the world is concerned.

Yes, I did calculus in high school too, but that doesn’t mean I can bust out the pythagorean theorem and start solving complex problems. Yes, I had U.S. history, but I can’t recite the constitution or probably even name all the US Presidents. Yes I was in drama, but I can’t go to hollywood with a resume that says that and expect to get cast in a role. That’s just not how things work.

So it’s legitimately been like 25+ years since I sang anywhere in front of anyone, besides other Karaoke. Most of those times also involved a fair amount of drinking. I probably will not be drinking anything tonight, especially if I’m still fighting this headache. I’ve told him I’m not a singer. I’ve told him about my anxiety. He just smiles and says “it’s gonna be great”. Sure it is.

I’ve said before I appreciate being around people who push me to be more and do more. I want to be elevated beyond what my capabilities are now and I want to overcome my fears, so this is really great. However, it just doesn’t feel really great at the moment. It feels more like a tightly wound ball of yarn in my stomach being pulled tighter and tighter by the minute. No wonder I can’t sleep to try and rid myself of this headache.

I am going to give it another shot now though, since I’ve dumped some of what was in my head here now. Crossing my fingers for at least a few minutes of ZZZZZZZs.

Yikes,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-16 The Measuring Stick

Spoiler alert. This one is long, has backstory, AND poetry.

It’s clear that I’m in a much better place today than I was this time last year. I don’t really need a reminder, but sometimes it’s good to have a measuring stick. Some way to know just how far I’ve come. The value in me writing every day, is that I always have that to look back on and it solidifies my progress. It helps me remember just how terrible I felt so I can appreciate my life now even more.

Of course there are certain instances and events that stick out in my mind, but in reading what I wrote a year ago, I find things I have completely forgotten about, such as a random poem.

This time last year I was still hopeful about a reconciliation with Matt. The percentage chance was definitely dwindling but I was still foolishly holding onto hope he would go with me to my sisters wedding in Mexico. Knowing what I know now, that was so stupid, but I didn’t have a window to see the truth of the situation at the time, nor did I have a crystal ball.

This time last year I spent every day thinking about that, and work, and toggled between crying and being angry. I was not sleeping well and plagued with headaches. I recognize that at that point, even after everything we put each other through, I would have taken him back if he would have agreed. In the end, I guess it was a good thing he started seeing someone else right away.

On this exact day last year I only had one journal entry, and it was a poem. I had forgotten all about writing that. I wrote “hundreds and hundreds of pages” of words, but in all of it, there were only a couple of poems. There’s a deeper meaning in that I think.

Anyway, I must have thought it was really crap to not remember it and not go back and try to revise it to make it something better. Typically if I think something is worth anything at all, I will work it over a little bit and then consider posting to my poetry blog. But not this one.

It’s about me taking back my ring (or asking for it back). I had given him my favorite ring with a pledge to really try again and promised to work on the things that I knew I had the power to make better. I had said that we could reboot and start again and if at some point he wanted to make more of a commitment, he could do that by giving me that ring. I’m not much into fancy jewelry or diamonds, so giving him a ring I would like to wear that fits my “ring” finger seemed like a good idea.

I don’t regret doing that or saying what I said. I always want to say what I need to say, regardless. At that time,I wanted him to know I was “all in”, and I accomplished that. It was like my “hail Mary”. Obviously, I didn’t score.

I wrote the poem about asking for my ring back on November 16, 2016, but I never followed through with that. I held onto hope. I wouldn’t actually get it back for three more months (February 22, 2017), and it was not because I asked for it, it was because we met for dinner and he brought it with him to give it back to me voluntarily. By that time, I had started posting my daily writing on this blog, so that’s also available (one of my favorites of the year so far actually). Here’s a link:

The Return of the Ring

As far as the poem goes, I played with the last few lines and though I definitely don’t care for it, it’s not so terrible as to toss away forever. I might even file it in the “archives” of my main blog. We’ll see.

My Ring

It’s OK.
I’ll take back my ring
And you can have your key
And then you will be free
Free of me and free to be
Who you want to be
But be warned
Being free
Is not all it’s cracked up to be
It can be lonely and sad
When you think about what you had
Or what you could have had
Maybe you wont
Maybe I’m wrong
I can’t pretend to predict
What will happen
In a life that’s so long
So I’m saying so long
Fare thee well
Please take care
It’s all OK, Fair is fair
You can have what’s yours
And I will have mine
I’ll take back my ring
And we’ll both be just fine.

Now, here I am a year later, and I have my ring and he has his freedom to live his life anyway that he wants without the burden of commitment.
Not only do I have my ring, though, I have learned something and moved forward with my life. I’m still making mistakes daily, for sure, but I’m always learning.

There is a lot that has happened between last November and now in my life and my struggle to get back to feeling OK with the end of that relationship is just one piece of that puzzle. I’m glad that I’ve written it all down. I’m glad that I have that record of how things were and how they have changed. As I said a few days ago, the human mind and memory are flawed. It’s nice to have something concrete to use as a measure for where I am at today.

Today was a good day. I hope a year from now I’m looking back saying “yeah, that was good, but now things are just amazing”.

Inch by Inch,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-10 The Good, the Bad, and the Really, Really Ugly

Let’s start with really, really ugly.. This morning when I woke up the temperature outside was 21 degrees. Brrrrrr, what?! Sometimes I wonder why I even live here since I hate the cold so, so much. I think the answer is/was family way back when, but now it’s definitely the kids. When they are grown and gone, all bets are off and I’m predicting a 90% chance of permanent relocation.

OK, now the good.. Last night I participated in a “Show and Tell Story Slam”. There were ten storytellers, three judges who were volunteers from the audience, and about 40-50 people sitting and standing around the room. There were more people in that room than any of the previous events I’ve attended. Of course it was.. because this is the one I elected to be my debut.

I went second to last and sat in the back row, and watched as all the other people got up and told their stories. As each one went by, my nerves became more and more unravelled. As each one went by, a few more people came in the door. So by the time 8:40 came around, it was a packed house, i was totally sweaty, and I had nowhere to escape to. So when they called my name, I grabbed my phone and my bottle of sand and walked up to the front of the stage.

Of all the storytellers, only myself and one other person read their story. He read from paper and I read from my phone. I probably would not do that again because it was very easy to lose my place, especially since I was really trying to look up and make eye contact with the people in the audience. The whole thing was over in about 9 minutes. I ran over on time, so that means I did a good job pacing myself since my story was right at the 8 minute mark.

I put this event in the “good” category for a couple of reasons. The first is that I actually finally did it. Yay, for trying new things and overcoming my fear of public speaking AND my social anxiety. The second is that I actually tied for 3rd place. It was a thee-way tie which basically means I was in the top 50% for scores. They did not have prizes for three people so the only thing I came away with was a book from the Omaha Public Library, one of the sponsors of the event.

Now for the bad.. I cut my hair. OK that part is not so bad. I have cut my own hair for years now and nobody does it better than me (and nobody does it cheaper 😉 ). However, yesterday I was in a really down mood all day and so when I showed up at Simon’s house and he didn’t even notice or comment it was like earwax icing on a shit cake. Yeah, it felt that terrible.

I mean, I cut off like 4-6 inches and not only that, but it was straight, which I rarely do, and he’s never seen it that way before. How in the world do you not notice that??! I want to be with someone who has enough interest in me to pay attention to those details. I want them to care about my writing, cheer me on when I try new things (like last night), and be an equal partner in the relationship. I’m not OK with lopsided anymore. The hormones may have had something to do with the way I was reacting to his non-reaction, but I’m not feeling really good about that relationship right now anyway.

That probably deserves to be expanded on somewhat but I just don’t have it in me today. I’ll save it for some other time when the swell of hormones is over, it’s not effffing 22 degrees out, and I have more time. I really need to get out of bed now and go do something productive.

Until Tomorrow,
~Miss SugarCookie