2017-08-20 Things You Can’t Control

My anxiety is high today. As the minutes tick by it is getting worse. Why do I feel this way? I really hate that I get so nervous about things I can’t control. Like the weather for example.

So here I am in Omaha, really, really close to the path of full totality for the eclipse. But Mother Nature may have other plans for all of us around here. I’ve had a rough “plan” around this whole thing from the very beginning and I mean really rough. I told the kids they could stay home from school because I was planning on taking them SOMEWHERE for the event. We were invited to hang out with my friend Denise who rented a camp site near Beatrice Nebraska which is in the path of full totality. Cool. But I hate to commit to anything like that because I wanted to stay flexible.

Up until a couple of days ago, I was still on the fence about it and wondering if it would not be easier just to get in the car and drive southwest and spend a picnic afternoon on the road, jumping out of the car to see this “once in a lifetime” spectacle. But I didn’t have glasses (because Denise had already bought some). So I had a mini freak out. I called around and ended up finding some at a nearby grocery store. They look legit. One crisis averted. I just needed to decide which way to go, south or west. I figured I would let the weather decide, which is also something you can’t really be sure about until it’s almost the day of.

Denise is already at the camp site and I was afraid of mass crowds and super bad traffic so I’m still hesitant to commit, but I had told her to save us a spot. Then this morning, she texts that the bad storm last night was 60MPH winds. Her tent broke and everything they brought got completely soaked. Now I am looking at the forecast and it’s going to be cloudy. So I am leaning on driving west, but now I feel bad for her and the fact that I probably will not go there. Waiting to hear back on how things are going as I type this.

It’s the weather though.. you know it is a thing that is outside of everyones control. Even my brother who does contract work for NASA could not have predicted what August 21st would be like in the year 2017. Although he is the one who told me the further north west you go the better the chance are for clear skies. Yes, my rocket scientist brother is in Casper Wyoming where the viewing will be outstanding. Of course.

I need to let go of this anxiety. All of this is outside of my control.

Now, let’s just pile on that I’m having guests today and they will be meeting my kids for the first time and I’m so nervous about that. I have no REAL reason to be nervous. They are great, my kids are great, the house is clean (as clean as it gets anyway), and I’m sure everything will e just fine… Still my heart is beating faster and I’m worried that something will go wrong. Someone will be in a bad mood, or they won’t be agreeable to whatever we elect to do for activities or will refuse to eat the food I cook. All of those are possible, but again, outside of my control. We are who we are and it is what it is. Part of me wonders why I am so riddled with anxiety over all of this because it’s just one afternoon in the grand scheme of things. But I am who I am and apparently that is out of my control too.

Hopefully once they get here and the kids start to play, my nerves will smooth out and everything will be fine. It will.. right?

Time to go finish a few last minute things. The kids are at Brian’s so I have to go get them. After that.. I’ll be quite preoccupied for the next 24+ hours. Probably no time for writing unless this eclipse is a total bust because of the weather.

Look to the Skies,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-19 Satisfying Saturday

I could talk about the health tests I took yesterday. That was pretty cool, and I want to talk about it but now does not feel like the time.

I just got back from an evening bike ride which started at my house and led me into and past downtown Papillion and then west on the Patio trail to 108th. It started out as an evening ride, but it’s almost 10PM now and pitch black. The sunset was pretty awesome but the ride got really buggy after that and I had not explored west on the trail before so I was really trying to pay attention to where I was. At one point I got a bug right in the eye and I had to stop for like five minutes to try and fix that. Ewwww. When I arrived home (pretty much 10 minutes ago), I took some benadryl because something else on the trail triggered my allergies. I have not had a lot of seasonal allergies for a few years now, so I am quite surprised, but hopefully the benadryl will fix it and also make me nice and drowsy.

Back it up a little bit and I grilled out tonight and also cooked my first zucchini from my garden. It’s really an event because I did not have any last year, likely due to lack of pollination where it was located and this year I messed with it so much I’m surprised the plants are even still alive. That being said, I only cooked half and the other half will be tomorrow night when I am having guests over. So tonight was kind of the trial run.

Back it up a little more and I went to the driving range with Barb and we hit balls to try and remember how to do that for our annual golf outing next Saturday. I golf once a year. That’s it. One time with Barb in her husbands work outing and after that we store our clubs away for another year. I hate golf and I think she does too. We just have fun drinking and driving the golf cart. Isn’t that why people play anyway?! 😉

The rest of the day I spent cleaning and doing things around the house and yard to also prepare for my guests tomorrow. I’m having a new “friend” and his daughter over for dinner so he can see my place and the kids can play together. They are coming over around 2PM and then staying through dinner. I’m not sure how the afternoon and evening will go but I’m hoping for the best. It’s one of those things.. I’m unsure and have some amount of anxiety but it is going to happen and whatever happens happens so I just should just let it. Still, I want to make a good impression so I at least want the house to be presentable. I mean, I should wait till later to reveal the fact that I only vacuum a few times a year. Right?

If nothing else, it is a good excuse to clean and finish a few unfinished projects. Now that I’ve done that, I feel very satisfied with the result so no matter what, I’ll have that to enjoy.

All in all, I am very satisfied with how today turned out. I’ve been feeling happy and positive all day, which is nice. I think that benadryl is kicking in so I’m going to head to bed. Hopefully I will have another great day tomorrow.

Toes Crossed,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-11 Who Am I?

Today I dug a trench in my back yard and it’s almost ready for me to start doing the brick work. I also went for a bike ride and discovered where/how the Patio trail connects with the Keystone trail, so that 4th of July mystery has been solved. After that I took a nap and then went to Jazzercise which was closely followed by a walk at the high school track. It was a very full day indeed. Most of it, I spent alone.

Spending the day alone means lots of music in my ears and lots of thinking. I came to two conclusions…

The first is that I am really sick of the music on my phone and need some sort of introduction to something new. I don’t know if that means using a new app or something or just hanging out with different people who have different tastes.

The second is that it is sometimes difficult to define ones self. Who am I? If you take away my children, my job, my friends and family, and any ties to some partner in life, what am I left with? What do I like? As a person who is historically both a people pleaser and the most easy going/amiable to any plan, I’ve always gone with the flow. I’ve always done what other people have wanted me to do. When I am left alone, as I am now,  completely alone, who am I?

Today I chose a bike ride and some other exercise. I chose to work in my yard and ignore cleaning my house. I chose to write instead of read and I chose to be outside instead of inside. So is that who I am? What else is there? If someone were to ask me if there was anything in the world I could do what would it be? I don’t think I know. Does anyone know the answer to this for themselves? Does anyone really know who they are as a person or are we defined by our jobs and relationships?

I intend to find out who I am without my job, but I don’t want to separate myself from relationships because that’s my lifeline. That’s my safety net. As much as I feel over-burdened by my responsibilities to maintain my relationships sometimes, I would simply not know what to do without them. I would be lost and at risk of falling through without a net and potentially suffering some dire consequences.

OK, true confession time. It’s 9PM on a Friday and I’m all alone and getting ready for bed. I had two glasses of wine with my dinner of leftovers and am a little bit buzzed from that (yes, two glasses and that’s it). I’m about ready to go to bed for the night and tomorrow I am going to wake up and have all the same choices I had today. Will I chose the same things or try something new? Will I connect with people or remain alone for the day? Will I hang my hat on waiting for something to happen to me or will I go out and MAKE something happen. I don’t know. I don’t think I will know until tomorrow gets here and I’m right in the middle of it.

I guess if you really want to know, you will have to click back tomorrow and find out. Oh, now how is that for suspense? Haha!

Until Tomorrow. Gnight,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-11 It’s FriYay Again

I’m bound and determined to get my act together today and at the very least finish digging a trench for these edging pavers for my back garden. I also got it in my head yesterday that I would like to go for a bit of a bike ride and really see what’s up with patio trail and how that connects with a few other trails in the area. All this has to be done by like 4 because I am also bound and determined to go visit my friend Leah at her Jazzercise class at 4:30. I have not seen her for about a month.

I’m going to make this one quick today because I really want to get up and at it. No more communication back from my “beach day” friends. I’m very much confused about how when we are meeting in person it seems so very good but then there are such long stretches of silence in between. The longer it goes, the less hope I have for anything.

I had over 8 hours of sleep again last night which makes like 5 days in a row and that is a new record. My average sleep for the week is 8 hours and 1 minute and I can’t tell you how good that feels. I’m really loving the way I feel when I wake up. Refreshed, energized, happy. I could really get used to this. Of course in about four days the kids go back to school so we will all have to be getting up a little earlier. For me, I think the trick will be going to bed earlier too. I should do that anyway and set a good example for the kids. They don’t get back until Sunday so it is going to be an abrupt change for them. Hopefully they have been getting up early on their vacation with their dad.

OK, no more stalling. I’m going to go straight to the backyard to get to work. I need to keep my eyes closed until I get there so I don’t get distracted (again) by something else along the way.

Doing the FriYay Dance,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-10 Strange Days (Part Two)

Two days ago I woke up with a plan. I was going to have coffee with Barb in the morning and a meet up with Chris W. in the afternoon in the Blackstone district and probably somewhere in there get started on my edging project.

Coffee went as expected, and conversation with Barb was good, but that was about the only think that happened as planned. About noon I received a text from one of the people I met recently. Really the last one I had originally connected with and actually met in person before I decided to ditch the swiping. He wanted to know if I would like to join him and his daughter at the lake for a swim. First thought in my head was like, “No way I can do that”, but instead I texted back “That sounds great”. What was I thinking.

– I don’t swim very well and hate having my head under the water.
– I would be in a bikini and all my flaws will be exposed.
– It’s a time commitment and I had other things scheduled.
– And .. and .. and…

However, my desire to see this person again must have overwrote all those excuses. That must mean something. It must be a sign that something is meant to happen. He initiated this meet up (unlike the others), and so I had to go for it. My mind countered with…

– Then he will know you can’t swim very well and if that’s a problem, that’s his problem (who would judge a person on not being able to swim anyway?).
– I’m comfortable with the way I look and have to learn to accept my flaws. If he does not like what he sees, again, that is his problem and it would be better to know now.
– I can reschedule anything else and put off the backyard project for another day.
– And .. and .. and… I have to get myself out of my damn comfort zone or nothing is ever going to happen with my life.

And so I got my ass to the store and bought some waterproof mascara. Yes this was the one thing that was absolutely necessary that I was unwilling to compromise on. When I arrived back home, I put on my bikini, and layered on shorts and a tank top and grabbed my flip flops, sunscreen, towel, and bag and off I went.

I texted Chris to postpone our meet up until next week. I put the address into my phone and then let autopilot take over while I had a mini freak out in my head about this sudden event. Still sort of in denial that I was really doing it.

When I arrived at his house, it was nice and quaint and clean. A brief look around and I could tell he has good quality things and not too many things. Music was prevalent and a nice stereo system. His daughter greeted me at the door also and she was bubbly and talkative. We had a brief conversation and then gathered a few things and went down the stairs to the basement where the garage was.

I’m not going to dig into the play-by-play for this whole day, because it was a long day and there was a lot to it. It started with us driving to the beach, where we spent several hours and I had a much nicer time than I expected, despite my not being able to swim. That was followed by his daughter cooking dinner for us back at his place, which was followed by watching a good movie. I think I left his place around 11PM. The moment that I left, my brain went a little cray-cray.

I was immediately thinking back to all the moments of the day and doing a micro-analysis on each one. I felt happy and sad and hopeful and also a twinge of regret. I decided to drive up Hamilton street which is very near where he lives and go past the first house I ever owned. I’m very rarely in that neighborhood so I thought I would just see the old place, but when I drove by, I burst into tears. It’s my whole life. This is my life and I don’t want to waste any more time. I wasted a lot of years and that house brought me back to a time when none of those years had happened yet. In an instant, I wished I was 25 so I could do it all again.

Maybe I was crying because I know I can’t. I don’t really know.

I had a wonderful time that day and all the conversation and the interaction with him and his daughter were good. It was amazing she cooked us dinner and even though the movie made me cry, I was OK with that because that exposes me for who I am. I’m emotional and empathetic and I often cry at movies and shows when they are sad. That’s just the real me.

I wondered if I should text him to let him know I had a nice time and then I convinced myself to not overthink it and just text. So I did. He responded and then that was it for the night.

So much of it is still fresh in my mind. It was such a departure from everything in my life right now. It felt surreal to sit at that dinner table being served and it felt “right” (not the being served part, the three of us sharing a meal part). In the day that followed, I fought against my instinct to get mentally carried away. Ive put myself very much back on the “let him text you first” approach. If he still wants to see me, then he will let me know. If he does not, well, then, I will be disappointed but better to know sooner rather than later.

It was a strange day, indeed. A good day, but a strange day. After my migraine and medically induced sleep last night, I really was hoping to get back to a more normal day today. For the most part it was. Tomorrow is Friday and it looks like it is going to be another banner weather day. So much the better for making more progress in the back.

It’s just past 10PM now and I can barely keep my eyes open.

Stranger than Fiction,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-08 Pieces of Me

The kids have been with Brian for over a week and it is so quiet here in the house and so.. uneventful. There is a peace I can get when they are away but it comes at a price. The price is the feeling that something is missing and I’m definitely missing my missing pieces today. Our lives are defined by what we do and who we spend our time with. You can’t stop being defined by your job or extracurricular activities (unless you change what you are doing). You also can’t stop being defined by your relationships. I’m a mother and a daughter and a sister and a friend. Without my children, my life would not be the same. They can be quite trying at times, as teenagers often are, but they are mine and I am theirs.

I have a few lingering meet ups this week to keep me occupied. Two of them are today intact. I’m meeting with another former co-worker in about one hour for a coffee at Starbucks. I’m meeting up with Chris W. at coneflower this afternoon for an ice cream and a chat. Part of me just wants to hide in my house and yard all day today and part of me knows that it will be good for me to get out. The meeting with Chris came about because I saw him briefly at Archetype coffee last week when I was on a meet up with someone I met on Bumble so I did not really have time to stop and catch up. Now we will have the time.

He’s a former co-worker of Matts. That’s how I know him. Matt and I went to his wedding a few years back and now him and Casey have a baby girl, Violet. See, that’s the thing. Everyone.. literally EVERYONE we knew was making progress in their lives, moving forward, and doing the things they wanted to do. At least they were doing something. We were stuck and not doing anything. Gawd I wish I didn’t still think about it every damn day. Perhaps that was part of the reason I was so anxious to meet someone on that stupid dating app. I thought if I had someone else to occupy that space in my heart and in my mind and in my life, then that would leave no room for these lingering thoughts and feelings.

By this time last year, we had already broken up twice, I had been proposed to, and I was quickly on my way to the third. August was a terrible and frustrating month. I try to remind myself of that when my thoughts wander to all the questions of “why”. I can’t deny my relationship with Matt and how it shaped who I am today. I can’t deny what a large piece of my life he was, the fact that I once thought we had such a bright and wonderful future ahead of us. Even now, that relationship is still affecting who I am. I have not seen him in several months now and the email communications have stopped, yet I still think about it everyday. And I just have to accept that. I am trying.

I’d better get myself out of bed and get ready for my coffee meet up and do something productive with my day. 7 more days until the other pieces of me return home.

Time to Caffeine,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-07 GoodBye Alabama

I met with Alabama one last time today. He’s leaving for Alabama tomorrow. He’s so confident our paths with cross again. So confident he can convince me to come to come visit hime. The fact that he thinks he is going to have any time at all to spare with surgery and school and training and commitments from now into the foreseeable future amazes me. Still, he treated me to dinner at Blue and I treated him to a round of drinks at The Brickway and we had a nice time. It was good enough anyway. I felt that melancholy creeping in and tried to hide it as best as I could, but eventually just let him know what I was thinking. Even after I told him I didn’t think his plans would work out because I’m going to want someone here in Omaha, he still insisted that he will be back and will want to see me again.

It’s an untraveled road that I was not meant to travel. As I stand at the start of that road and peer down it, there are trees with large gnarled roots all up and down the path. There’s spots where the canopy is so thick, the light is not allowed in. There’s a feeling of sadness and relief that washes over me as I turn away to continue on my own, alone. We hugged goodbye and I got in my car to head home at around 8PM. I don’t expect I will ever see him again. That’s probably for the best.

In addition to that, I didn’t get much exercise today and I’m afraid I did not do very well with the eating and the drinking. I also only got around five hours of sleep so all-in-all, the week is off to a poor start. I did make progress in cleaning out my garage, so that was good, but did not even start digging out the edging from the back garden. One of my plans is to have that replaced here in the next week or so with the load of pavers I acquired last Friday. If I am going to meet with success, I’d better get a good move on it tomorrow.

I’m feeling really sleepy all of a sudden now and want to capitalize on that. I’m going to put this day in the past and begin again with tomorrow. The Sun WILL come out, tomorrow.

From Somewhere In the Middle,
~Miss SugarCookie