2017-06-26 A New Buzz in the Air

Today was an atypical Monday. My nephew is in town from Colorado and he’s about the same age as my son so we all spent the day together playing games and stuff. I had to drive back and forth to CB, IA twice to pick him up from my moms house and drop him off and that took about two hours out of my day too. It kind of felt like I had taken the day off of work because it was so different and special and I kept having to remind myself, I’m not on PTO. I’m unemployed.

With all that activity, I did not have much time to accomplish much else, but that’s OK because I have all week to figure out what to do and when. I’m not going to fib, it’s pretty amazing.

I think it will take me about a week to get into a rhythm of what my new schedule might be, but after that, I have a feeling I am going to be rocking and rolling on getting stuff done – with a heavy dose of reading and naps and hanging out at the pool.

All of this is sort of swirling in my brain but there is also a new development that is taking over some of my thoughts at this time, so I may as well dive in and expose it… I’m actively seeking someone to date.

It started about a week and a half ago when I finally took the advice of my friend Lance from Colorado and downloaded this new dating app, Bumble. I may have mentioned it in a previous post, but I don’t remember at the moment. It’s fairly simple and straightforward dating app with a bumblebee theme (because I guess you have to have a theme?). A persons profile is composed of a few pics, their age, occupations (optional), where they went to school (optional), and a 300 character bio (also optional). You provide some basic settings, like age range and distance from your location and it automatically pulls in the profile of other people to show you. Then you do the swipe right on someone you might be interested in. It’s that easy.

At first I was really gun-shy and didn’t want to swipe yes or no to anyone, but the only way to see more pics is to make a decision about the one that you are on. So one night I went through 30 or 40 pictures and ended up “swiping right” on a bunch.

The persons on the other end are doing the same thing, and then when you “like” a person who also “likes you” it’s a match and you can start a text conversation. With the rules of this app, only the girls can start the conversation, but then the guys have 24 hours to respond to that or the match goes away.

By about a week ago, I had twenty matches and had started 12 text conversations. I might have bit off more then I could chew, but once the initial back and forth was out of the way the time pressure was off and so the chat could just evolve organically.

Some of the conversations fizzled, some were by my choice and some by the choice of the person on the other end. Some folks I have had a regular back and forth with daily and even a few have asked if we could meet in person. So that is pretty much where I am at with it now. I’ve got a lot more to say about all of it, but really feel sleep taking me over now and it is late, so I am going to pick up here tomorrow.. because now I can. 😃

Sweet Dreams
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-21 Still Too Much

Things have transitioned from “feeling better because the weight of the job stress is melting away” to “oh shit, I have two days left to finish some stuff”. It started at four, now three, now today, waking up at 5AM again, it’s two. TWO DAYS LEFT OF WORK.

Today I have to switch gears and really stop focusing on doing work and focus more on conversations giving work to other people. Well, one other person anyway – which will be too much too. Hopefully, the newer folks on the team will be picking some things up to help real soon.

Last night I took the kids to visit my Dad who I did not see on Father’s day. I don’t see him very often, maybe four or five times a year including Christmas. In fact, it’s mostly holidays, not that I would consider Father’s day a holiday. They were just getting home and had Godfathers pizza for dinner and I lifted a couple of slices of that since I had not eaten. My dad opened a bottle of my favorite wine (which I brought to Thanksgiving last November that apparently nobody wanted).  Later we shared a strawberry pie that I made  (my late Grandmother – his mom’s recipe). I finally told him I quit my job.

If there would be one person I would expect to get some grief from or at least be somewhat worried about my choices, it would be my dad. However, I presented it in such a way, there was nothing snarky or skeptical or judgmental someone could say. I painted a picture of 2016 and then went into more detail about my most recent experience in Phoenix and coming home to even more “drama”, with no time for rest in-between. I talked about working 3 weeks straight and not sleeping well and not having time for the kids. After all that, who in their right mind would question my choice. He didn’t.

Yesterday I felt a fair amount of anxiety over, well work primarily, but also just the idea that “stuff” was not getting done and I wanted something that I could point to and say “look, I finished that”. It didn’t happen. Not enough anyway. But talking about my woes with my Dad (and his Wife) made me feel better. I think talking to people in general makes me feel better, but I sometimes feel like it’s a one or two shot deal.

Last fall I talked to my mom multiple times about my situation with Matt and by the 3rd or 4th time she was suggesting counseling. I don’t typically want to burden other people with my heavy stuff, so when she said that, I knew she was 1). Genuinely concerned about my mental health but also 2). Tired already of hearing the same things again. After that, I stopped bringing it up. I never went to see a counselor, because that’s never worked for me before (and I’ve tried two or three times in my life).

With friends, I feel like I really do only have one shot. I tell my story, get their opinion, and then we never talk about it more. The story is ongoing, but honestly not a lot has changed in the last 6 months. What more can you say about it? Yes, I still feel like I made a mistake (several mistakes) last year. Yes, I still feel sick thinking about Matt dating some other girl. Yes, I still want to talk to him and have to resist texting. Yes, I still cry about it. Maybe not as often as I was six months ago, but the road to recovery is long and slow to travel.

I feel like people don’t want to hear my broken record of a sob story. This is why a blog is such a great idea. I can say the same thing day after day after day, and since nobody (not nobody) is reading, nobody (not nobody) will be bored out of their mind with it.

Just like the last few weeks when I probably have talked about quitting my job almost daily.. It does not matter because I can do that here and will not feel like a burden on anyone but those people who perhaps are choosing to silently, anonymously accompany me through it. If you are reading this right now, thanks for sticking with me.

It’s almost 6AM and really time to figure out what today looks like. Hopefully it will include me pointing at something and getting to say “look, I finished that” and that “Too Much” gets just a little smaller. Fingers crossed.

Time to Make the Doughnuts,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-18 The Nature of Friendship

Last night I visited a friend of mine who just bought a house in CB, across the river from Omaha. It really feels far out of town and they grilled and we sat on their back porch and talked as the sun went down. It was really nice. We played with their drones and they talked about finding the house and what kinds of fun things are coming up in the near future.

I told them about quitting my job and not having another and they were very excited for me. Nobody seems to be too worried at all, which is nice. No lectures or advice or words of wisdom being thrown in my direction. Maybe they all think that I’m a grown up and can sink or swim for myself. Let’s hope they are right.

We did not talk about the relationship status or Matt at all, which was also nice. I did not tell Denise we broke up until after Christmas this past year, mostly probably because I was hoping it was only temporary.

Denise and I have been friends with since she moved to CB in 6th grade. We went to elementary, middle-school, and high-school together. She is one of a very few people that I am still friends with from HS. Really, I only keep in moderate contact with a couple of people “from those days”. And moderate is being a bit generous.

The others are Kelly, Laurie, and Rio, who I also graduated with but did not go to elementary school with like Denise. We see each other on FB, which you know is no substitute for a real connection, so I feel like I know what is going on in their lives, but I really don’t. Nor do they really know what is going on in mine.

Of these four lovely ladies, only Rio was in my wedding when I got married when I was 19. The others were Danielle, Stacey, Erika, and my sister Lindsay. Besides my sister, I don’t talk to or see any of these people anymore. Danielle moved farther away (albeit not that far), Erika and I had a pretty significant falling out many years ago, and Stacey has moved on from this life.

Thinking about it now, it is interesting how people come into and out of our lives. Things happen and as time passes we grow and change and so do they. Some people we grow closer to and others we grow apart from. It feels like a very natural occurrence and one that we should not be too upset about. For a very long time I was upset by the end of my friendship with Erika, but eventually let it go. You have to let it go or those kinds of things will weigh you down your entire life. And life is too short for that.

Denise and I talked about Erika last night too, as a similar thing happened with them. We were once a pretty tight group of friends, back before I had my kids, and we went for walks every week and talked about everything. We bridged the gap between Nebraska and Iowa and it did not seem that far, until one day it was. First we stopped meeting every week, and then girls game night that was once a month stopped too. Eventually, our annual Christmas Cookie baking event also stopped being scheduled. Other things and other people became more important. It was sad for a long time, but then, as more time passed it didn’t feel sad anymore, just “the way life is”.

Last night I found myself staring off into that sunset off her back deck last being at peace with all of it. It’s was a good feeling.

I think I need to get to a place where I’m at peace with my relationship with Matt. I certainly have that with regard to my ex-husband, and also the one other person I dated semi-seriously. I even have peace with my relationship with Josh, which is an ongoing thing. We have an understanding, and a mutual respect for each other, and care about each other while still recognizing there is no future there. We’ve been through the trials to answer the question, “can we just be friends”, with yes.

Denise seems to be very happy now in her new place with her man and all is right with the world. They are making plans for the future and that is how it should be. I’m very happy for her.

As for me, I’m getting there too, slow and steady. I think I’m on the right track and moving forward. I’m moving forward and looking forward to the future, which is a good sign.

Now Let’s Do Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-22 In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Sometimes you see someone you have not seen in a really long time and they have their kid with them and the last time you saw them he or she was just a baby. You realize when you look this snarky teenager up and down that 15 years have gone by. How could that be?

Sometimes I don’t stop and think about the passage of time unless this happens or there is a certain date on the calendar that reminds me of something that happened long ago. Today was one of those days.

This day in history was the day I got married. It was a long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I was 19 years old and had no idea what being an adult was all about, let alone making a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. I wasn’t brought up with good ole’ church values to know what it meant when I made vows before God and all those witnesses that I would love and obey my husband until death due us part. I certainly did not understand what for better or worse meant. When you are a middle-class nineteen the worst think you can think of is not having a car to go where you want or not getting to stay out past curfew. So how was I to know?

Anyway, that really does feel like a galaxy away now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and when I come across a wedding photo, I can’t believe my parents even let me get married or encouraged it. If my daughter told me she was getting married anytime before she was 25, I would sit her down and have a long serious talk with her.

Today I was in the office, sort of waiting for something other than nothing to happen. I was just going about my business and suddenly this complete sadness crept into my world. On top of all the things I am dealing with now, work and Matt and Josh. On top of my “any minute now” monthly cycle starting. On top of my perpetual tired feeling, I have this. Sing it with me as I limbo.. “How low can you go”?

I’m back home and any minute now, Josh is going to pick me up and take me for a coffee. I told him it wasn’t a good idea because I was in a really low place. I told him I wasn’t going to be good company. He’s coming over anyhow.

It’s raining out now, just like it did on my wedding day. As I stare out the window of my office and the drops of rain come in and out of focus on the glass, I wonder if I will ever get married again. I wonder if the sun will shine on my face as I smile up at the person I was destined to be with. I wonder how he will propose and if it will be as magical as I have dreamed. I wonder if that moment will cause all the memories of the moments that came before to shift and fade. I wonder if I will ever remember this moment in time after that one has happened.

I can’t see out into the future but I sure hope those kinds of moments are yet to come. Right now, it’s tough to even consider that a possibility. Perhaps in some other distant place and time in yet another galaxy far, far away.

Another Day in the Life,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-21 Orion’s Belt

Last night Z and I were watching “Stranger Things” and at the end of one of the episode the camera pans up to the sky. It’s a sky full of stars. My heart sinks just a little.

Looking up at the stars was one of those things I loved to do with Matt. Whether it be out on a road trip (the Badlands being just the best star viewing I’ve ever had in my life), or driving in his convertible, or just a random walk late at night. It was just good, and I miss it. We should have done more when we had the chance. Oh, that sneaky regret.

Even when I went to STL in March, I caught myself looking up and just feeling full. Full of emotion. I search for Orion’s Belt and that’s like my little secret. One thing I own, that nobody can take from me, no matter how good or bad it makes me feel. The feelings are mine.

Matt and I had re-connected a little bit before my Phoenix Trip and before Austin and he indicated he wanted to see me again. We’d seen each other twice recently. The first time was to hash over our relationship and the state of things and the second time was just lunch, and to talk more. Both times left me wanting more.

I revealed all this to my Austin crew and they insisted it was not healthy for either one of us to continue to talk or see each other. I agreed, but that does not make it easier to let go. That’s exactly what their point was.. you can’t let go if you keep in contact. They suggested I reach out and let him know that I did not want any contact. They also suggested, as a first step, that I unfriend, unfollow, and uneverything on social media. I hate social media so that first step was easy.

That second step though, what a doozie. On one hand, I do get feels from seeing him and talking to him, but it does leave a tiny little spark in the back of my brain. That spark is hope for the future, of which, I am sure there is none. On the other hand, my influence into his world is not healthy. If he’s talking to me as a friend and looking for an objective opinion, I’m not going to be able to do that justice. I care about him, and want him to find out what he’s after, but will always be leaning on the side of advice that is in my best interest. That’s a tough pill.

On top of this, he’s probably still seeing Lindsay and it is not fair to her to have him lunching and chatting with his ex. I probably would not have been OK with that when we were dating, so I am sure she would not be either. Not that I owe her anything, but I don’t want to be “that girl” that’s making waves. Best to just cut ties completely.

So a few days ago I sent an email stating these three main points as reasons I don’t think we should communicate or see each other anymore. It’s tough, but I had to do it. Like so many times in the past, I wish I had acknowledgement that he got it and read it or something, but I probably won’t.

He hasn’t texted me since then, so that’s probably enough proof right there. I guess if he did read it and disagreed, then there would be a response, but otherwise, I probably won’t hear from him for at least a little while.

It does not mean I don’t miss it, or want it, or am reminded of things when I look up in the sky. I absolutely do, but that’s my burden to sort through now, and really mine alone. Orion will always be up there. I just have to figure out how to let go of the connection ad make it mine again.

Twinkle, Twinkle,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-13 Austin – Working and Catching Up

Sadly the first order of business when I arrived on Thursday (after lunch of course) was to dig right into some work stuff that was of the utmost importance, according to my former boss who is now the Chief Operations Officer. Behind that I have feature “X” that is broken and is of utmost importance according to our President. Then we have customer “Y” whose current set of issues post go live is of utmost importance to, well, the customer. Then we have customer “Z” who does not go live until June, but their issues are something I am directly responsible for and that project, in my world, is also of utmost importance because that’s a new site whose image in trust in us (and in me) is at stake. I won’t go into items “Q”, “R”, “S”, or “T” which pop up during my work day and somehow whoever it is thinks an immediate response is necessary. It is no wonder I feel defeated when trying to make anyone happy.

After getting as much done as I possibly could from my desk in the spare bedroom of my Texas Bestie’s house, we cut out for dinner and after that came back to the house to continue “catching up” over a bottle of wine.

I tried to do the best that I could to lay out all the puzzle pieces that make up my current work situation and after going over the 5th story that adds relevant detail, her advice to me was to cut and run. She reminded me that this is the third trip here where I was lamenting about all the drama and dis-satisfaction.

I am the one who offered up first that I have already considered quitting, and had done number crunching to see how long I could be on hiatus before even starting to look for another job. I admitted to not only needing to break away from my company but also break away from working completely for a while. Her advice to me was to plan for 3 months of just doing nothing (not working or looking for a job) and take time to just live and do things that are satisfying to me personally. After 3 months, which would take me into September or October, start to look again and probably by the first of the year next year I will have found something new and will be completely recharged and ready to give it my all again.

We joked about writing my resignation letter. We joked about shooting my Survivor application video, and by the end of the night, we were admitting we were pretty serious about it.

Later that evening at the house is when we put the work stuff aside and focussed more on the relationships I’m tangled in. We talked about the weird back and forth with Matt, having continued communication which has increased in the last month. At this time, Jer was there too and both of them had the same advice which was that I should cut off contact completely because it was not healthy for either one of us. They are right, but this is a tougher pill to swallow then all the work conclusions somehow.

I’m going to need a little more time to consider the things they have said and I don’t think I am ready for the conversation where I tell him we can’t be friends. It hurts my heart to think about it, but at the same time, I understand that all that is exactly why I’m not really able to get over it and move on. I just need some time and space in my own mind to really build up the courage to do what needs to be done, because I know it will be really tough.

To sum up, so far, I’ve done a ton of work and we’ve done a ton of talking, and now that it is the weekend I need to break free, as much as I can, from all of it, and just enjoy my friends and Austin. Lance arrives today so that will add another dynamic into the mix which is sure to be super fun.

Over it and Out,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-11 On the Move Again

Today I’m on my way to Austin. I’m visiting my Texas bestie, Rebecca, and her family. Our friend Lance is also going. It will be a good trip.. it always is. We all work from home during the day and then do some fun things on the off hours. As usual I have a ton of work to do but these trips are a good reminder why I do that work. 
I need to not only be able to afford the lifestyle but I also have to have the flexibility to work from where ever. Right now, with this gig, I have both. It’s just so stressful given the amount of work and I’m constantly mentally fighting with myself about it. And just like that I’m talking about work again. 

I brought my new tennis racket with me in the hopes it will be nice enough to play (read into that, not too hot) and that someone will be interested in doing that. I told Lance I wanted to play. We’ll see what happens. 

Right now I’m headed to Denver on United. I really hate the fact there are no direct flights from Omaha to Austin. At least I’m not flying to Minnesota to get there. I have done that before. It was stupid. It’s not even 8 AM and I’ve already over indulged to the point I feel uncomfortable. I have to stop eating and drinking so much. 

I keep telling myself sleeping well is the first step in the solution, but while I wait and wait for that to get better, I’m putting off making other improvements. Maybe sleep isn’t the first step. Especially since I can’t seem to get that one figured out. 

I usually sleep better in Austin at Rebecca’s place. Josh asked me why that was and I really don’t know. Maybe I feel somewhat disconnected from my problems and responsibilities. Maybe there is not enough to keep me staying up so late. Like many things, it’s probably mostly mental. 

Josh. He told me he loved me last night. He was looking at me.. looking into my eyes and I asked him what he was thinking. Now how do I feel? It’s complicated. 

I have to wonder why everything is always so complicated. I don’t know why, but I look up at the sky and ask why. I ask as if the universe will provide the answer. I ask as if there will be a sign and I won’t have to wonder anymore. It’s so foolish. 

I have a few days to think about it before I will see him again. Maybe I’ll take some time and write more about us and attempt to work through those layers of complexity. 

We are in final descent now. Time to pack it up. 

Laying Over in Denver,

~Miss SugarCookie