2017-10-12 On the Flipside

Today I became incredibly sucked into thinking about my past for an hour or more. I was completely distracted from what I originally wanted to be doing with this time and now my time for doing it is running out. I’m glad that it happened, but at the same time, I need every hour of this day to get things done and I feel I’m not as organized as I typically am. I should just forgive myself for being human and then make a list so I can get started.

Still, that trip down memory lane hit me like a ton of bricks and I may not be able to “let go” of how I feel right now. If I truly am going to submit a poem about love and justice, perhaps it should be something new. Maybe instead of closing the book on it and moving on with my day, I should “let go” of the things I thought were important today and use the energy that’s churning inside me now to create.

I felt a shadow of the pain I had before when I read what I wrote. However, re-reading in the context of what I know now about what was going on in October last year brings about a few new feelings. I was trying desperately to convince Matt to come back to me and was met with a stone wall. That’s how I’ve described it. The rejection was terrible and the lack of interest in communication was devastating. Still, he always left me with a tiny sliver of hope. That was garbage.

Months later I find out he had already started dating someone else. If he had let me in on that, I would still have felt an immense amount of pain, but it would have been different. It would be grief knowing some other person had slept in “our” bed. It would be heartache over her getting to do things with him that we used to do together. I had some of that when I finally found out, but I am sure if I had known since October, my grieving process would not have been drawn out so long.

As it was, In December I was still holding onto hope he would go to Mexico with me. That was never going to happen and he should have told me at least that much. I may not have gotten so drunk all through the holidays and the week I was in Mexico. I most certainly would not have waited until March or April or May to start getting on with my life.
So that waste of time sort of feels like an injustice dealt to me. He was moving on, even if he didn’t have the same kinds of feelings for her as he did for me. It was wrong that I was left hoping and waiting.

So maybe my very first poem submission about love and justice should be on the flip side instead and I should write about love and injustice. Love and all the things that aren’t fair about it. Heartbreak and the delicate task of navigating a thick, sticky sea of emotions while keeping the rest of your life together enough that everything else doesn’t go to shit too (kind of like mine seemed to).

I’m not sure, but I should really either go be creative or start hacking away at that to-do list.

Tomorrow I get in a car with my mom to drive to my brother’s place in Colorado. I need to do laundry and dishes and pack some things. I’m also planning to see Simon one more time before I leave… priorities you know. 😉

One Flip, Two Flip, Me Flip, You Flip,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-10-12 Strange Pathways

Life is a series of strange paths that lead us to other strange paths. This morning, one meandering down one path led me to a place in my past which is still recent enough to leave me feeling raw about it but far enough away now I can look back and recognize how far I have come.

When I opened my laptop I intended to write something new for my blog. Instead I got sucked into email and that led me to looking at links I had bookmarked. I was further distracted by the notion to finally organize my bookmarks into folders for ease of access. This task led me to discover a few sites I had bookmarked, goodness knows when, relating to submitting poetry. A thing I have often wanted to do but never done. Out of fear perhaps? Fear of rejection maybe? I don’t know, but whatever it was it’s gone now and so I think today would be a good day to start.

Digging a little deeper into one of the publications, they have a call for submissions with a deadline of November 1st. The theme.. Love and Justice. OK, that’s like one of my main things. Delicious fate.

As such, my search through Evernote with the word “love” in it would most assuredly turn up like a gazillion things, so I searched for “Justice” instead. This brought back less than 10 notes and here’s where the path gets a little bit strange. The top note is a journal entry I wrote on 10/12/2016.. exactly one year ago. I rarely look back at things I wrote about before unless I am so bored or in need of some spark. It is typically a last resort, but since the universe had dangled this carrot in front of me, I just had to try to take a bite. Less than ten seconds into reading and the reality hit me.

Last year, on this exact day, I was deep in the world of heartbreak and despair. I was frantic, falling apart, and fading. I was loosing weight and not sleeping. I was desperate to break through to Matt and confused by his stone wall. I had begun exhausting all my connections with my relationship woes and on a path of retreat unto myself. It was dire. I was a mess.

Thinking about it now gives me shivers. I remember how I felt being rejected time and again. I remember sitting on the stairs inside my house absolutely bawling from the pain. I remember how my heart ached, yes physically ached, and thinking I was never going to recover. It was the worst pain I have ever felt my entire life and crushing me daily was the feeling that I was alone. In a way, I was alone.

I was drowning and alone and relying on my writing for oxygen. I wrote two or three times a day during October last year. It’s amazing to think about where I was then and where I am now, but that’s how strange the pathways of life can be.

I didn’t start to publish my journal to this blog until January of this year, so all of that “stuff” from last year remains buried in a giant pile of electronic notes. I’m going to end this one by concatenating what I wrote on October 12 last year for posterity. It’s quite long, and I won’t be offended if you skip it, but it feels appropriate to recognize just how far I have come in a year and no better way to do that than a direct comparison.

Life is a series of strange paths that lead us to other strange paths. We should try and embrace the journey and not question too much what the purpose or meaning really is.

Forever Exploring,
~Miss SugarCookie

***

2016-10-12 C

A few days ago I said I had no poetry for this. I’ve written a lot of words in the last weeks and days but I truly have no poetic words for what I am going through now. How many times can I talk about how much I have cried? How many times did I cry during the movie I just watched? Three – and that was a romantic comedy that was rated R.

Now I know how people feel when they get their heart broken. It does not matter how or why or what the circumstances are. It just happens. Every song, every book, and yes, even the poetry inspired by the feeling that I am having right now. I’m overwhelmed with how much emotion is involved with this and am very lost for words that give it justice. I can’t even bring myself to try.

So many people with this shared emotion and yet I feel terribly alone. Always alone. Like the universe is, yet again, taking it’s due for the deals that we made. Deals that were made before I even understood what “sign on the dotted line” meant.

I’ve got folks that I have confided in, and they have been so wonderful listening to me and offering advice and really just taking a little slice of time in my day so that I did not have to spend that same slice of time laying on the floor of my hallway crying into a basket of clean towels. I am grateful for all those people and all those slices of time, but I still feel very, very alone.

I’ve spent countless hours now thinking through beginnings, middles, ends, and every last bit of conversation I can recall to put this puzzle together. I’ve come to conclusions and then torn them down again. I’ve steeled my resolve only to have it melt away like butter with the rain on a random Wednesday morning.

“Sugar into melted butter”. That was me and Matt in 2012. Things on the internet sometimes never go away.

http://iloveinomaha.com/294

I wanted to shout from the rooftops about how in love I was, but always felt this was not acceptable. That’s a problem, but not an unsolvable problem that is just like all other things I thought were issues. There are always issues, but “Some days, you have to choose to like each other”. I failed at doing that. I won’t make that mistake again.

You don’t get to be our age (which is to say an adult) and not have issues and baggage and trials and successes and failures. Life is just like that. You don’t wake up one day with all the answers and have it all figured out and announce “I’m out” like Costanza who wanted to end on a high note. It’s a constant balancing act and sometimes a rollercoaster. I just want another chance at the ride.

Not just any ride though. I want the one with Matt. I already know the first clicks up the ramp. I already know what to do. That is what happens when you make mistakes – you learn and grow and are able to do better the next time around.

I’m pretty sure he’s not seeing things from this perspective right now. The timing being off and this waiting for him to come to some conclusion are killing me but if he comes out of the other side of this in agreement with me, then we will be so strong. If not, then better he figure that out now than in a year or two down the road. I don’t even want to think about the latter but while I wait it is being forced upon me. I’m stuck here thinking about all the possible outcomes. ..and that’s not healthy because it has put me in a very dark place.

I have no appetite and am not really eating much. I have not had a good night sleep in a little bit now. Both of these are cause for concern. I told my mom today I had lost 5 lbs. That’s 5lbs off an already small frame. I don’t have much more to spare and still have energy to function (unless my body starts using the fat in my butt). When I eat, I am making good choices, mostly, and I’m drinking a lot of water. It’s just that my caloric intake has been pretty low.

Its almost 11 now and I’m going to get to sleep soon. Maybe tonight will be the night I get more than 4 hours. If not, tomorrow I am calling Dr. Vana.

The girl with no poetry,
~Shyla

 

2017-10-10 Always More

I guess I don’t have much to say about today. I did go to the gym this AM and spent the whole time text communicating with different people so I didn’t really follow the same pattern of writing from the elliptical as I have been. There was also people on the mats and in the aerobics room almost the entire time I was there so I sort of fell short of my usual “set” routine.

It was cold and rainy this morning also which did not provide me with very much motivation to get out of bed. The temps dipped into the 30s over night I think and though I did not turn the heat on, I did have my electric blanket going. When I woke up this morning, the temp in the house had only dropped to about 64 which was surprising. Still, if Z had not been absolutely in tears the night before and needing some love (and wanting a ride to school in the morning), I probably would not have gotten out of bed.

As it were, I gave them both rides to school and then hit the gym after that, so it all worked out.

What else.. let’s see. I tried to make spiced apple pear butter from the abundance of pears I collected last weekend. Something with the recipe went wrong and it’s more like spiced apple pear cream soup. I might have to try it again just to see if I can fix what I did wrong. As it is now, I can probably pass it off as ice-cream topper. I haven’t tried it yet, but may in the morning once it has a night to “set” in the refrigerator.

I also helped Simon with some yard work today. Somehow the chill in the air did not seem to bother me as I was really digging and pulling to try and unearth some ferns and their deep root systems. It’s nice to be helping someone with something productive when they actually have a goal in mind.

I’ve got a few, but helping someone else out brings a whole other type of satisfaction. When I hit my own goals, it’s all just like me standing there looking in the mirror and saying “you go girl”. And then looking around me for someone to also be cheering me on. Not quite there yet I guess.

Simon and I have had a few goals together, but it’s mostly been around exercise. I’m certainly all about that, but I selfishly want more. Aways more. I want someone to share all sorts of stuff with. I’ve spent so much time waiting for that and I’m afraid it has not left me with a ton of patience. That’s sort of ironic because a couple of weeks ago we were chatting and I asked him why he liked me and one of the first things he said was my patience. Oh my, what am I in for now?

Still, it’s easy to slip into a routine of normal without looking too far ahead. Right now, I am just enjoying every interaction. Dinner last week and the concert were great, but nights and days we have just hung out and listened to music and talked have been so lovely. We’ve watched a few movies here and there but it’s the cooking in the kitchen together and the making tea and sitting in the grass or going for a bike ride that have been my favorites. Anything that feels like normal life, but somehow extraordinary is so, so great.

I want more of that too. Always more. 😃

More Later.. Maybe.
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-06 Funky Monkey Friday Cryday

I’m not terribly inspired today. I got my morning workout in and have been working on swapping out my spring and summer clothes for fall and winter. That’s only fun for a quick minute and then it’s just not. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. Winter would probably be third with fall being last, unless we are in the middle of a stretch of negative degree days in which case, winter always falls to the bottom of the list. Snow is OK in my book, but there is something about fall that is just dreary and depressing. Even more so today because it has been raining for like four days now and everything is just soaked.

The Matchbox 20 concert was moved to an indoor venue because of the weather and though I have been listening to their tunes all week, I’m still sort of in a funk today and not super excited about it.

I was up at 4AM and did a few things and did not quickly go back to sleep and the sleep I did get was riddled with dreams. I had a dream with Matt in it and a dream with Josh in it and the dream that had Josh in it I was in a situation in which I was completely aware that Simon existed. He was not in the dream, but in my thoughts in the dream. Isn’t it super strange that I remember having thoughts in my dream? I didn’t even know you could have thoughts in a dream let alone remember them. Anyway, I did and it forced me to decide to try and remove myself from staying in the same place as Josh. If that isn’t telling then I don’t know what is.

It is perhaps the lack of good sleep that is keeping my mood subdued. I need to get motivated to do something else, but not sure what that would be on a lazy Friday afternoon. Maybe I will take a nap and see if that does not inspire me to accomplish something with the time I have left before getting ready to go out for a serious jam session with the boys in the band.

Time Will Tell,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-09-26 A Different Road

It’s 4:45AM. I woke up at four. I’m not in my own house and therefore not in my own bed and I probably had four hours of sleep at the most. At the most. I’ve got a few things on my mind, one of which is a song which I don’t know the lyrics to so my brain is just humming the melody. That’s very annoying. If I am going to have a song stuck in my head I should at least know the lyrics. I should google it so I can sing it for real.

I snuck downstairs so quiet so as not to disturb the sleeping. I’m comfortable enough here, in the waking hours, but sleeping is a whole other game. And if you are following along with my game, you know I’m already sleep challenged. Shit.

It doesn’t help matters that I’m still congested. Did I mention I don’t get sick? I DON”T GET SICK. UGH. I don’t get sick like this so I don’t know what to do. I’m probably not taking care of myself the right way and I’m so convinced that if I just go about things like nothing is wrong, it’s just going to get better. I felt better yesterday and even rocked the steps and the exercise like NBB. Yet here I sit, eyes watering, can’t breathe, and I presume my voice is still not recovered.

Despite that, we had a nice night last night. We talked and cooked dinner together and then ate and watched a movie, “The Illusionist”. The movie was not as good as I expected, but my expectations were high based on feedback from folks I’ve talked to. Cooking dinner together was the best part. He made some pre-dinner snacks while I cooked and magically he had all the ingredients on hand for gluten-free stuffed bell peppers. I’ll have to remember that one because I’ve got lots of peppers and it was pretty simple to make.

It’s been a strange road so far with this guy. He’s so different than most of the men I have met, in a good way. When I think back to our first meet-up at the coffee shop on July 23rd and the 24 hours prior to that, I almost can’t believe how it’s all unfolded. Very unusual indeed.

He was my 6th first date and I was 45 minutes late due to getting the time wrong. As such, I had rushed and was not really put together like I would have liked and just kind of ran out the door. The night prior was first date #5 which landed me driving alone to Walnut creek to cry. To be fair, it wasn’t really him, it was all me and the woes in my head. That night I had terrible sleep that was consumed by a massive headache. That’s that part that makes me think it’s kind of crazy I am here right now.

How in the world did I think it was a good idea after all that to still try to meet? The cards were stacked against it, yet I still jumped in my car and drove all the way to Benson. We had a nice chat and he was very charming. Again, different than people I know and people I have met, but I think that is part of what I am drawn to. I don’t want ordinary, I’m looking for extraordinary.

That’s a strange word, extraordinary. One might take it to mean ordinary to the nth degree, but it means quite the opposite. The English language is so odd.

Anyway, so here I am, two months later, waking up in his house, in his bed and wondering where this road will lead. There is no lack in conversation, though I feel like it’s a bit over my head at times. Living under a rock has it’s disadvantages which includes not being able to follow along when people make references to things you should probably know about.

We have not had an conversations about what “this” is or where it’s going and he’s not said a great deal about what he thinks about me or us. I don’t want to presume anything and I also don’t want to fall into the communication void like I had with Matt where we just didn’t talk about it at all. Then again, when I was at the point he and I had been dating for two months it was perfectly clear how he felt about me, and me him. In this situation, it’s just.. well.. different.

I spoke a little bit to Rebecca when I was in Austin about how different these beginnings are and she issued that it was OK. Every situation is different and comparing apples and oranges don’t do any good (my words not hers). So I’m just taking this one interaction at a time and trying not to over-analyze or look ahead to the future too much. Both of those are tough for me so it’s a challenge.

I keep telling myself that if it all just fizzles out tomorrow, I’ll still have gained a lot already and I just need to to be grateful for that.

And now it IS tomorrow. I’m going to sneak back to bed now so I can be there when he wakes up.

Different is Good,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. The Song in my head is “StarBoy” by The Weekend, and I did look up the words and I’m not gonna try to get those lyrics down, eeeeek. Hopefully now that I’ve written a bit, it will be out of my head anyway.

2017-09-24 Sunday Status Update

Day 5 of being ill, slept like shit last night because of congestion and my throat and cough are worse now. What the hell.

As a result, my stats are taking a serious dive:

Fitbit Steps.. Today – 6K so far.
7 Day Average – Just over 12K (above my official daily goal but below what my new goal has been 15K). 28 day average, about the same. Time to step up my game. 😛

Jazzercise .. Only two classes this week, though I also did one yoga/pilates class and one “group strike” class.

Sleep.. Back down to 6 hours a night. Maybe the E2 is messing with that because it does not seem to record the naps. I’m still not really trying to do the E2 until I feel better (though I’m still only getting like 5 hours the last couple of nights and no naps).

Eating.. I’ve been eating better overall, but have not been able to stay off caffeine or the drink (party last night at my house). I think the small changes are good. I’ve minimized gluten and dairy and so perhaps not going off things completely, but just making better choices overall.

Work.. Still Unemployed. Living the dream one day at a time. 😃

Relationship Status.. Unofficially dating someone?! I hosted a party at my house last night for Jeff and Steph and told him about it and he showed up. He was actually the first one here and the last one gone. Sort of unexpected and I was pleasantly surprised, and also mildly anxious as my ex-husband was also in attendance (being friends with Jeff and Steph too). Yowza. Does this mean we are dating? I’m not one to like putting labels on things, but I’d kind of like to know what to say the status is.

At the present moment I am drinking a concoction consisting of hot water, apple cider vinegar, honey, lemon, ginger, and cinnamon. I googled natural sore throat remedies and then threw everything I had on hand in the kitchen into the same cup. It’s actually quite good. Not sure if it will help, but worth a shot and nice to try and do something.

Feels like it’s time for a nap again now, I’m just exhausted.
Looking for the Corner,
~Miss SugarCooking

2017-09-23 What’s a Girl to Do (or Not Do)

Today I had another early morning and though I am feeling a little better, again, my throat is still a touch sore and I sound like a baritone frog. That’s not going to be very good for the mentoring session I signed up to do today. Three weeks ago a thing popped up on my Linked In news feed about needing volunteers for a teen summit at an area community college. Initially I dismissed it thinking I would be unqualified since I have not done anything like that before, but then my new friend (oh yes, you know the one), saw it it in his news feed too and asked if I was going to sign-up. So we both did.

After contacting the coordinator and thinking about it some more, I reasoned out that I couldn’t be more qualified. I’ve got 20+ years experience as a professional in the Omaha area AND I have two teenagers that I am raising, not alone, but in a household where I’m the only adult around most of the time. I have lots of good advice and if there is a group of people I can easily talk to, always, without too much social anxiety it’s kids. Yes, even the 17 and 18 year olds I still consider kids.

That’s at about 11 today and breaks my day up nicely so that I don’t have to sit around and think about having a house full of people. I’ve been procrastinating thinking about either of these events so as not to have my day dominated by things that are really not that big of a deal.

45 minutes with teenagers.. Cake.
3 or 4 hours with people I have known forever (most anyway).. Cake.

Hmmmm, maybe I should make a cake? JK. 😉

Would I have done this mentoring session if it wasn’t for my new friend? Probably not. Which leads me to the question.. What I wouldn’t do for a guy? I will selfishly get to see him there and also hopefully make a good impression about my ability to talk to and connect to the kids. This one is really a win-win-win, but what else have I done in the past?

There’s that time I pretended to like this guy’s Camaro even though I’m not really into cars that much.

There’s that time I wrote a poem (ok, two or three or ten or twenty), but that was probably more for me and not them.

I once took a motorcycle class so that I could get approved to ride a motorcycle on my license and that was something I never, ever would have done if it wasn’t for the person I was seeing. I barely passed and I’d be terrified to try it now unless it was some dinky bike.

I paid for a ticket to South By Southwest in Austin (600 bucks) and only ever went to the check-in because we both had social anxiety about attending any of the events. Oh, and I also paid for most of our meals there because he was down on cash.

If you go way back in history, I got married and moved to Las Vegas. That was also partly me, but in the grand scheme of things, getting married was never a part of my master plan growing up. After having divorced parents who subsequently dated and got re-married and in the case of my mom divorced and remarried a second time, being tied to one person for life seemed unlikely. Not to mention the rollercoaster of dating. Despite that, he and I ended up being married for 17 years and I now have two of the most fantastic children on the planet, so that one worked out in my favor.

As far as Matt is concerned, I can’t recall a thing I did for him or with him that I would not have done otherwise. I didn’t pretend to like anything and outside of maybe that one time we slept without a tent exposed to the elements in the Badlands, there wasn’t anything he asked me to do or pushed me to do that was outside of my comfort zone. For the record, that Badlands thing was totally bad-ass and I would not trade that road trip for the world. It was simply amazing.

Anyway, so here I am getting ready to go to this session and wondering what else I might be willing to do. So far, everything we’ve done together has been such a positive experience and I’m pushing myself to do things that are outside of my comfort zone, but it feels good. I’m growing as a person. If this all goes south tomorrow, I will still have done things and experienced things that I look gladly on. I think some of that is helping me cope with my fears and for that, I am truly grateful.

Pushing the Envelope,
~Miss SugarCookie