2018-01-20 Dreams and Unresolved Feelings

Welcome to Saturday. In truth, it’s a day for me like any other. It’s gym time first followed by a writing workshop downtown and then I’m going to try and get a little more time in on a work document. My life is so exciting.

One thing good that comes from such a boring existence is a decent amount of sleep. I woke up this morning just after 5 and was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours of dreaming. And dream I did.

Last night the maker of dreams brought me incomprehensible insight into my relationship with both Josh and Simon. I don’t remember anything about the one with Josh and that one was probably inspired by the fact we hung out for a few hours at his house last night. That’s something I have not done for months and months.

We were planning to take a closer look at some self authoring, eye opening, life changing program he found online. Once I actually read the content in their landing page, I pretty much decided I wasn’t interested. Instead I helped him with a sewing machine and a little project to mend a few articles of clothing and then just talked.

With him it’s always the same story, only the days and weeks and years change. It’s not my story to tell so I’ll just drop it there.

The last dream I had before I woke up was about Simon. It was also really incoherent but the overarching “feeling” I had during the dream which lingered a bit after I woke up was that “I” was not good enough. It was just a feeling, but sort of sums up how that whole relationship made me feel.

Most things I did were inadequate. Some were indirectly stated through my interpretation of his words and actions and some were just flat out explicit.

I don’t have an issue with self esteem and I try and approach things with an open mind that there could be a better way of doing something. I’m not above trying new things and truly believe that’s the best way to be in order to learn and grow. So I was welcoming of the indirect criticism and even direct suggestions about certain things. However, feeling constantly inadequate was the result and that’s rotten.

Frankly, after some evaluation, some of the things I’m talking about were, in fact, not better. There might be a “proper” way to set a table and use a knife to cut with the right hand and eat with a fork in the left, but that’s just absurd. I don’t live in Buckingham Fuking Palace. I live in Nebraska and I’m an American who eats with a fork in my right hand. I’m sure that his ‘way’ comes from his British upbringing, but that doesn’t mean it’s better.

That’s just one example, but it’s a pretty good one. There were issues with my cooking and how he’s just superior but in truth, there are only like four things he made regularly and one of them was an omlet. Flipping an omlet in the pan does not equate to being a master chef and in my opinion, anyone who does not put cheese on a cheeseburger is just daft. Food is very subjective but there was a specific instance where I was made to feel bad about breaking a yolk when cracking an egg for fried eggs. For real!

Not only that but he went so far as to eat that one to “show” me how ok he was with it and patted himself openly on the back for that gesture. Yes.. for real!!

His habit of giving himself credit for these sort of things was just putting an exclamation point on both his self-centered nature and his general attitude that he was better than most.

At one point he said that he was proud of himself for being sensitive to my feelings. How on earth is THAT something to be proud of. You’re dating a girl and you feel the need to point out that you acknowledge the she has feelings? And this was after a conversation that left me tearie-eyed. So he made me cry AND THEN went on to say how wonderful he was to have recognized the effect that conversation had in me. Dude.. if you didn’t, you probably aren’t human. That’s nothing to be proud of. And even if you are pleased with yourself, maybe you should just keep it to yourself.

Several weeks back, before our breakup that wasn’t a breakup, I wrote about the fact that I wasn’t going to go into any detail about all his faults. Well.. that’s out the window now!! 😜

There’s more, but I’m going to try and keep it to myself. I guess I just haven’t achieved appropriate closure on that little experiment.

He’s supposed to come over to my place tomorrow to help patch a hole in my wall where the old thermostat and humidifier control panels were pried out. I only agreed to this because he owes me one and I don’t want to pay someone to do it. After that, I’m just going to let it all fade to nothing naturally.

Hopefully writing the unwritten will release me from feeling unresolved about all of it and my dreams will get the hint and just leave him out of the picture from now on.

Moving On,

~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-01-12 The Importance Of Definitions

Picture if you will, that you dated a person for about 6 months and in that time had high hopes for a future together.

Imagine that somewhere along the way you started falling out of love with the idea of building a life with that person. Then, after some amount of self reflection, and coming to terms with ending another relationship, you muster the courage to have that tough conversation.

Not only are you letting go of the hope you once had, but also faced, again, with a life that’s lacking a very necessary ingedient. Saying it’s not easy feels like an understatement. It’s fucking tough.

But you have the conversation and in it are forced to hear all the ways or reasons that it’s not a good match, from the other persons perspective. Things you are already aware of but hearing them out loud is also tough.

Add to that, the extra slap in the face that in that other persons eyes, it was never defined as a relationship in the first place. “Because ‘we’ don’t need to label things and put boxes and boundaries around what it is or isn’t.”.

He said ‘we’ but never asked me to be included in that. I was included as a party to it through only my own silence and inability to say what I wanted or what I needed. Will I ever learn from my own mistakes?!?!

So we were never “we”. And there was never “us” so there’s nothing that needs to end or change. That’s bullshit but I’m a chicken shit, so I don’t call him out on it. Again, I maintain my silence. And in silence my, implied compliance.

Now.. picture if you will, less than a week after that painful, slap in the face, heart hurting conversation, the other person lets you know they need you for “business venture foo”. What do you do (after you are done lamenting WTF??!!)?

As a dedicated, good-hearted person, I agreed to go. Then I went and gave 100% of myself in that effort. Pro-bono.

Toward the end of that business meeting, the client looked at him and then at me and then asked, “So how did you two meet?”

I was not touching that one for all the bitcoin in the world! I looked at Simon and raised my eyebrows to signal, that ones for you my friend.

He answered “online”. Which of corse led to more questions. So there we were, two people never having “labeled” what we were and subsequently what we are. I let him continue… and he floundered. Eventually she looked at me.

I said, point blank, “We we’re dating but we’re not anymore”. There. How hard was that? And as it turns out, that’s enough of an answer that we could turn the conversation back to business.

There are two big takeaways from this…

1.) If you are going to successfully operate in society, as flawed as it is, you have to conform, in part, to the constructs in use by that society. Labels and definitions are not optional if you want to communicate with people.

Further, the lack of definition and boundaries and rules causes misunderstanding which ultimately leads to negative feelings and sometimes, on a very broad platform, chaos.

2.) Don’t be afraid to say, out loud, what you want. (This applies only to me and anyone else reading who may exhibit some of my same timid relationship behaviors).

If I were to take my own advice, I would level with Simon and make sure he understands these points. I would also provide him with the definitions and boundaries for ‘us’ if we do, in fact, continue to collaborate on his ‘Startup’.

Scratch that! Remove the ‘if’ and replace with ‘when’! So then it really becomes a question of when. And you know by now what else I say.. “Today is a good day to start”! 😉

Improving communication and understanding at every opportunity.

In Peace and Harmony,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-07 Schrödinger’s Cat as it Applies to Relationships

The original paradox comes, of course, from a suggested experiment to prove some theory of quantum mechanics. It’s goal is to prove something about suspended states of particles in some process of decay where we don’t know if they have decayed or not until some observation of the decay can be made.

The question at hand, is whether or not the cat is alive or dead in the box. In theory, the cat could be in both states, or IS in both states, until someone opens the box and observes the outcome. When that happens, the cat is either alive or dead, and obviously not both.

How does this apply to relationships, or, more specifically, romantic relationships? Well let’s just say you have two people who are in a box together, or on a sphere together, such as earth. Those two people enter into a relationship which most assuredly has some sort of “shelf life”, of which, when first acknowledged, is not known to either of the two parties or any other outside observer.

These two beings continue to exist in some sort of state of co-habitation on the sphere much like Schrodinger’s Cat in the box, and the relationship between them also exists.

At some point, though, the relationship reaches it’s half life of the original unknown shelf-life and at that point becomes decayed beyond repair. However, unless observed, the relationship may be alive or dead or, in theory, both at the same time.

One can’t know which is true or that the terminal state of the relationship has been reached unless seen and acknowledged by some observer. That a relationship can be thought of as still existing or not existing or somehow both well past the shelf life because no one is paying enough attention or cares enough is, indeed, a tragedy.

That anyone would put a cat in a box with a decaying sub-atomic particle is kind of a sick thing as well, but I will not dwell on that.

In Schrodinger’s experiment, the cat can’t apparently be his or her own observer, which is quite daft as I’m fairly certain the cat will know the moment of its death. If it can’t or doesn’t, well then, that would cause a whole other host of philosophical and spiritual questions to be raised.

In this comparison we don’t have that same set of questions because it is without a shadow of a doubt possible for either person who is in that relationship to also be the observer. And since the termination of relationship doesn’t kill anybody, it’s quite harmless really. Still, the experiment can be painful, and repeated attempts might leave a person quite unwilling to go “back in the box”.

I’ve just concluded such an experiment myself. In the end, I had to make myself the observer so that it could truly be called done. I initiated a conversation acknowledging that it wasn’t what it should be between us, and in doing that, opened the box to set the other person free. He took the opening in a mannor not unlike him and echoed my sentiments from his own perspective.

I’m sad, but also relieved that it’s over.

I would also like to note that he hinted at the possibility that we can continue on just as we have been as our relationship was never in a box to begin with. It is true. We never defined it, or talked about what it was or wasn’t or what it could be in the future. In a sense, we never acknowledged the beginning of the experiment and therefore there is really no way to say “it” is ended because “it” never existed in the first place.

This is, in my opinion, a very clever way for any person to live their lives without fear of being the person responsible for ever hurting someone else’s feelings. If you deny the existence of the relationship (or in this case, that there was ever any intent for dating with hope of a future together), then you will never have to hold yourself accountable for your words or actions. This tactic is very self-serving, and smug no matter how you spin it. But I’m a chicken shit and did not call him out on it.

In any case.. “it” did exist and I spent 6 months of my life in “it” with him. So he can deny all he wants but I have to observe and acknowledge and have my closure on “it”, which thankfully, now I have. As for trying again? I think not.

I’m not going to have time for any more of these grand life experiments in the coming months. I’m going to focus on my MFA and my Poetry and my AWS and my new JOB and my plot to take over the world instead. I think that is enough.. don’t you?

Be Wary of Men with Cats in Steel Boxes,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-12-28 You’re Just Not That Into Me

I’ve been contemplating what to say to the guy I’ve been “dating” for five months now. I’ve been thinking about it for a few weeks. I even wrote a poem about it (don’t worry, I’ll keep that shit to myself). Severing ties, even the loose ones, can be tricky.

I did it with Adam, but we only went out for about 10 dates. He was a great guy and I just didn’t feel it and I was able to just sit down and have a conversation and in the nicest way possible, convey my feelings. He understood and to this day we have an amiable connection.

He found a great girl, got married, moved away, and now I see via FB that they have a baby girl. That was ideal. Of course the opposite happened with Matt.

It stands to reason because we dated for 4+ years. That’s a lot different. The breakup literally took the better part of a year and that does not include the heartbreak and grief I went through after the fact. I can honestly say that he and I also now have an amiable connection, so, in the end, that’s the best I can hope for. No regrets or animosity.

Now I’m faced with another sitch. This one is in between those two in length and of very different in nature. Notice I put “dating” in quotes above. I’ve never really been clear about what it was. That’s probably part of the problem.

My logical brain has been weighing the good and bad for a while now. It wouldn’t be fair of me to lay that all out here because, well, it’s too one sided and most of it is subjective and influenced by my own inadequacies and needs.

What I’m trying to say is that he, like the others, is a great guy. What I can do, without feeling an ounce of regret, is say why he’s so great…

He’s a unique person who has a refreshing outlook on life. He’s fit and health conscious and is very much into enjoying life in the moment. He has a good heart, loves dogs, and volunteers at the Humane Society. He’s great with People and his extroverted nature is the literal antithesis of my socially anxiety riddled self. He’s a decent cook (except maybe where cheeseburgers are concerned) and seems to be open to continuous self-improvement.

Clearly, a good match, for somebody. Just not me because.. well.. he’s just not that into me. 😉

When the time comes (and it’s going to be pretty soon now), we’ll have to sit down and have a conversation about it and I think that’s exactly what I’m going to say, “You’re just not that into me”. I have a pretty good idea what to expect on how that will go, but life is rarely that predictable. We’ll see.

I’m almost through my morning elliptical routine and need to turn my attention elsewhere.

Stay Hydrated,

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-12-27 That’s So Meta

While I was dating Matt, he never seemed that interested in my writing. When I met him I already had my first two blogs. One was the original WordPress site which is still active today and houses all my “public worthy” creative writing. The second was my somewhat hidden tumblr account which was intended for the darker side of my thoughts. I say somewhat hidden because I used my same moniker and you could google that and find it.

I figured, if someone really was digging for shit on me, that meant they really cared. It didn’t matter to me why because it’s all just feelings and I’ve really got nothing to hide. Sort of.

In Matt’s case, we had a mutual friend, Josh. Josh and I had history, albeit one-sided. It was a one way infatuation and that was something I really didn’t think he needed to know about so that was the one time I went back and edited my words to conceal something. I probably didn’t need to.. I don’t think he ever looked for it or read it.

Though he did often question why I had multiple blogs. He could not understand the logic behind it. I explained that they were for different purposes and he just stuck to his guns on his viewpoint.

In 2014 I made a resolution to blog every day.. and created a third blog for that purpose. Hence, Miss SugarCookie was born. That truly was intended to be anonymous and so nothing about it was linked to my main blog, or name, or social media accounts. Not that it would have mattered.. it was all just day to day fluff and none of it really mattered.

After the fact I imported all 365 days worth of posts from Tumblr to WordPress and then linked it to my WordPress profile so it’s not really that anonymous anymore. I don’t think Matt ever read that one either. He just rolled his eyes when I said that I was creating another blog.

When we met for coffee a few weeks ago, we talked about my little HVAC adventure which he happens to know about purely from our sparse text conversations. He said “you should blog about that”. Really??!

So you wait unti it’s all just dust in the wind between us to encourage that.. or even show you have thoughts about it? In my head I was thinking “oh if you only knew”. Because, of course, I did blog all about it, and all kinds of other stuff too. Which gave me a huge pause. Omg .. what if he did know?

I know he doesn’t, but what if he did? This is all just my raw, unedited, thoughts and feelings and he’s obviously one of the characters in the story. As a very private person who doesn’t share much with anyone, he’d probably be beside himself if he knew.

Then again, I trust people to recognize there are two sides to every story. And details can be included or omitted to lead a person to one conclusion.

For example, I happen to know that when he first started dating his new girlfriend, he told her I broke up with him via email. That alone makes me seem cold-hearted. But if you provide the rest of the backstory it paints a different picture.

I’m guilty of this too, of course. I think it’s human nature to censor our words in order to make our point and sway someone in our favor.

I wasn’t blogging during train wreck season last year, but if I was, all my transgressions which were contributing factors to the dissolution of our relationship would have also been “revealed”. I did some things I was not proud of. I was emotionally driven, which is no excuse, but there are puzzle pieces to the story which I have chosen to not disclose. Maybe sometime I’ll double back and do that, but today is not the day.

One of the other things Matt suggested during our meeting was that I blog about cheeseburgers. So, even if he never cared that much about my writing, at least he gets me. 😜

I don’t think Simon gets me. In truth, I was leery of sharing too much because I was so unsure about what our relationship was or what it might be in the future. I’ve been in a holding pattern waiting to see where things were going. Now that I know it’s not going anywhere, it doesn’t really matter.

I’ve wanted to write more about all that, but it just never seemed to be my main focus which, in itself, is revealing.

He brought me cut flowers again on Christmas Eve. After all my other guests were gone, I told him I didn’t like cut flowers. I fell short of saying “if you read my poetry, you would know that.”. There’s no point in that now, is there.

Still, I think it will remain a good litmus test… the interest in the writing, that is, not the cut flowers.

He actually tried to convince me the longevity of these particular flowers might change my mind. This was half admirable and half folly. I guess I’ll just have to see how long they DO last and decide which side wins after that.

Ok.. that’s enough blogging about blogging for one day.

Happy Hump Day!

~Miss SugarCookie

2017-12-15 Lions and Tigers and Boys.. Oh My

Yesterday was quite a strange day and full of expected and unexpected events. Most of it had to do with other people and most of those other people were men. Spoiler.. this one is on the long-ish side but the last bit at the end is super relevant to the story.

First, my ex-husband called me out of the blue while I was at the gym and interrupted my “flow” on the elliptical machine. We actually chatted for about 25 minutes and it ended up being a nice change up to my norm and it made that time pass faster.

He seemed to call for no reason, but I updated him on lots of things anyhow. Mostly stuff about the kids and my new job and coordinating things for the alterations in our schedules due to the Christmas holiday. It was a pleasant enough conversation, and in the end, when I asked him why he called he said something about Zoey and a text that came in while we were talking. I got the distinct impression he was deflecting the question, and then he had to get back to work.

Something is up, but I’ve learned not to question it or even give it a second thought because whatever it is, probably will not be that important and is likely not worth pressing on.

The second interaction was coffee with my other ex, Matt. He initiated meeting up and I requested coffee. He drove all the way to my end of town and we met at the Panera. He apparently wanted to just catch up. In my head I’d gone round and round all sorts of reasons he may want to meet and the thought even crossed my mind he might ask if I wanted to get back together.

Well, the thought crossed my mind, but I dismissed it. The conversation was mostly light, but did get a little more intense when we were talking about his grandma who is in pretty good physical health but whose mental capabilities are waning. I could not help but have empathy for him as the person who has the most contact with her and also sadness within me that comes from a place in the heart that remembers I used to call her grandma too. I still do really.

I had the courage to ask if he was still dating Lindsey, and he said that he is. Then he said a few things that seemed like puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit and it felt much like Brian earlier when he dodged my question on why he had called. I didn’t press on it this time either, but for different reasons. Someone once told me “Don’t ask questions that you don’t really want the answers to.”

I held it together pretty good and pushed my feelings deep down as we exchanged stories. What do you do with a person you know so well? What do you do with a person you still have feelings for? What do you do when they can’t or won’t or don’t feel the same way? I know what to do. Smile and fake it.

That’s what I did. I said all that I needed to say before (last year) and that’s why I can be free from regret and not feel the urge to say anything more now. I can just acknowledge my feelings are still there and have a conversation and also make sure he knows how awesome my life is right now.

I let my happiness and positivity shine through and suppressed my continued grief about “us”. It wasn’t until I was in my car pulling out of the Panera parking lot that I released that beast and burst into tears. I cried all the way home. Sometimes, life is just rotten.

Later in the day I discovered via twitter that an old acquaintance from years ago was in town from Cali and so I jumped in my car to meet him at Aromas in Benson. My turn to drive across town.

Gabe and I were not that close. We frequented the same circles and had several mutual friends. I thought to myself that a quick Meetup would be good for me and he was all for it as he saw most of his peeps at a tech holiday party last night and was just hanging out today messing on the internet.

It was really great to catch up and he’s doing some super cool things at Philo. He also recently took some time off of work and we shared a lot of commonalities around that. In an hour we covered Work, relationships, and what life is like living in the heart of San Fran. I discovered that when he comes back to Nebraska he always has A Wendy’s cheeseburger which he does not have easy access to where he lives (he’s living the car free life).

Wendy’s .. really??! Gross!!! I held my opinion to myself. After an hour we parted ways and I jumped back in my car to head home and start dinner.

That brings me to my last interaction of the day.. Simon paying me a visit to join us for dinner and evening activities. Cooper let him in and he came upon me in the kitchen while my back was turned. When I turned around to greet him with a hug, I almost missed the dozen purple roses he brought.

I’m ashamed of my first thought. “Oh no.. cut flowers”. I don’t care for cut flowers and I think the gesture is a waste of money and a shame to sentence those beauties to an abbreviated life. I practiced my faking it for the second time in the day and smiled and thanked him and promptly stopped what I was doing to get a vase.

In truth, I did allow some emotion to show.. just enough that he would pick up on it and ask me about it. I told him I had a tough day and asked if we could talk more after dinner. And so we did.

I talked about meeting Matt for coffee and then recounted the events of 2016 so he had a good frame of reference to understand the gravity of my meetup and the depth of my emotions.

He listened and attempted to find relatable connections in his own life. Some relationship he had 20 years ago that left him feeling the same things years later. I appreciated him listening to me and I know he’s smart enough to pick up on the other connection. I left Matt because he could not commit to a future and I’m not about to be in a relationship with someone else who has the same limitation.

We did not talk about “us” much. There’s nothing really to talk about. The cut flowers say it all.

One might say “how was he to know not to bring you cut flowers?”. My response to that is so revealing…

If you are seeing a girl and you know she’s into writing and you know she writes poetry you ask her about it. This is not freaking rocket science.

If you ask her she’ll be overjoyed that you are interested and she’ll share her blog with you so you can read what she’s written. If you want to be supportive and show you care about her interests and feelings, you’ll visit the blog and read at least some of her writing.

In my case, anyone who does that would most certainly read the poem on my home page. It’s called Long Talks and Sidewalks and the post has been “sticky” at the top for about nine months now (which it isn’t anymore because I’m getting ready to post something new). The second line of the poem says “Don’t bring me cut flowers and expect me to smile and swoon”. And it goes on to explain why.

Even if one were to assume that this is just poetry and words and fluff, they should have the wherewithall to inquire further about it… if they care.

I don’t think all of this is unreasonable. If it’s unreasonable, please someone tell me. As it is, Simon and I have been seeing each other for five months and he knows about my affinity for poetry and that I have a blog but has never inquired beyond that. If he brought me flowers on a second date or something, that would be different, but it has been five months.

There could be lots of reasons for that, but I’ve taken so much interest in things he cares about, the fact that it’s very one-sided is a concern for me. Like I wrote a few days ago, I don’t need someone to be totally gaga about my passions, but an ounce of interest is absolutely required. I added that to the scale a while back. The presentation of flowers just solidified it. /sigh

I guess I’ll just keep skipping merrily along this yellow brick road with a keen eye looking out for more lions, tigers, and .. uh.. bears. 🐻 😉

There’s No Place Like Home,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-12-10 The Curse of the Logical Mind

There is no escaping reality. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Well.. I’ve tried enough to feel really shitty for a couple of days after drinking too much. That’s where I was last year in the weeks leading up to and following Christmas. I hit rock bottom and did not want to live anymore. I was not suicidal, but I remember thinking I just could not do it anymore. Something had to change.

What I am writing now is not about that, nor is it about my failed relationship with Matt or any of the details behind why I had to quit my job. I’ve gone round and round those topics so much, there is no need to repeat it. What it is about, is now, and how no matter how much I try to just hum merrily along to life’s sweet melody, there are tough things to face and facts that weigh heavy on my mind.

I’ve been enjoying a fair amount of success with just about everything I try, for a long time. One thing that seems to dodging me, has to do with relationships. More specifically, romantic relationships. This year I attempted to dip my toe into the dating pool and got in enough to realize how unpleasant the water is, and got right back out again. I did, however, find someone on my way out.

We met on July 23rd and it was very slow to start. In the month to follow, I only saw him a couple of times and a few of those took me way outside my comfort zone, but I kind of dug it. In September we started seeing each other more and by October I was staying over at his house some nights when I did not have the kids. That continued into November as I became more and more comfortable with things, and not worried as much about how he feels about me. The other thing that I realize more and more as time goes by is that he’s not right for me.

I’ve done so much soul searching, self-evaluation, and analysis of past relationships in the last couple of years, I think I have what I want and what I need from a partner pretty nailed down. I’m “in it to win it” so to speak. I want someone for the duration. The duration being.. the rest of my life. I need someone who wants and needs me, which one would think would be easy to find. I want a partner who I can challenge and who will challenge me so we can elevate each other and be better human beings. I want someone who wants to be active and healthy with me. I want someone who likes to travel and experience new things. I want someone who I can communicate with and who does not have issues with communication. Obviously I want to find a good person with a kind heart. There’s lots of fine print, but these are the general overarching qualities.

I don’t want to just completely dismiss the fine print, because we all know the devil lives in the details. Maybe those general things above are fairly easy to come by and can help me rule out certain people very easy on (if I ever decide to date again). The tricky part is determining if any of the details will also be a deal breaker. This is where my logical mind starts to wreck havoc on my thought processes. The problem (or curse) may not even be a logical one, but instead just my tendency to overthink things.

As of right now, my brain has started compiling a list of these details as far as Simon is concerned and most of them have little red flags attached. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of positives too, but how do they stack up against the other side? In a world ruled by balance, if the scales are tipped too far the wrong way, it’s hard to ignore.

If I were to start listing out some of these details one might think I was certifiably crazy, but I am who I am and I know what I am capable of overcoming and dealing with and what I am just not. I also know some things based on my historical relationships, and if those red flags present, then it’s for sure trouble, because it means it was something I could not get over.

  1. I don’t want to be cold. If the house is set below 70 degrees, ever, that’s not an environment I can be comfortable in.
  2. I don’t want to have to drive across town to see someone, and if I do, then they have to split that driving 50/50. In fact, it’s great if most things are 50/50. If I end up doing most things myself (including paying for things), then forget about it. (obviously more applicable if living together).
  3. I do fad-diets and go through cycles of eating and not eating certain things. I not only don’t want to be judged for this, but I also want to be supported. In this category is also my love for cheeseburgers. I love them. I can’t be dealing with a cheeseburger hater.
  4. I need someone who is interested in what I am doing. This is an extension of the thing I said above about wanting someone who wants and needs me. They don’t have to be interested in poetry or writing or gardening or whatever, but if it is something I’m doing, I want them to be interested in that and care enough to ask about it and talk about it.
  5. I can only compromise so far when it comes to my parenting style. I don’t know how much more I want to or need to change how things operate in my house. I’m all ears when it comes to advice, but I’m not going to start parenting differently. This is obviously bigger than a bread box, but becomes important when I start thinking about living with someone.

Thus far, my time with Simon has been good. He’s a good person with a unique and refreshing outlook on life. He’s a happy, positive person who is interested in health and well-being and staying active. We’ve had some great moments and I’ve grown as a person because of things we have done together. I’ve had instances where I felt such joy and the warm feeling of happiness inside.. and at least once where the words “I love you” almost slipped out of my mouth. However, I can’t help the slow methodical creeping of thoughts and those “red flag” instances piling up on one side of the scale.

The biggest thing at this point is his general approach to living. He wants to live in the moment and not think about the future. That, of course, is contrary to one of my biggest items.. the longevity of the relationship. If he’s never going to be thinking about the future, then there is no future for us. And if there is no future for us, then I’m not down for that. I spent five years of my life with the last guy, without a promise for a future, and I don’t intend to do that again.

So even without the temperature, distance, and parenting discrepancies, that’s the big thing. If somehow that changed, and he was suddenly wanting to plan a future and we started talking about that, the other things would come into play. There are elements in all five of the issues above that concern me.

The latest one happened yesterday when he made me a burger. He asked me if I wanted cheese and I said that I would defer to his taste on it since it was his masterpiece. He said he never eats cheese on a burger because it does not seem to have any benefit for pleasing the palate and that the two (burger and cheese) are really not meant to be paired for that reason. Now have you ever heard such blasphemy in all your days? I know I haven’t.

That was probably the last straw. Now I know I said you would think me crazy, and I does not hurt my feelings if you do, but this little nugget weighing on my mind, on top of all the others, just solidified what I already knew to be true but was in denial because I wanted so much for it to be just wonderful.

As with all things, timing is everything. It’s the holidays and we have plans coming up this weekend when his daughter gets back in town. I need to wait out the current PMS phase to see if my feelings will soften a bit, but I just can’t envision enough of a change in the dynamic to warrant some re-consideration.

I recognize my own failure in this process is my lack of communication which is partially due to a fear of rejection. I’ve been enjoying our time and did not want it to end so I’ve been mostly silent on all of this.. Including the cheeseburger comment yesterday. I need to be able to fix that. I’m just not sure how.

Just another problem my logical mind will most assuredly try to solve in its spare time (hopefully not while I am trying to sleep).

Enough for Now,
~Miss SugarCookie