2017-06-18 The Nature of Friendship

Last night I visited a friend of mine who just bought a house in CB, across the river from Omaha. It really feels far out of town and they grilled and we sat on their back porch and talked as the sun went down. It was really nice. We played with their drones and they talked about finding the house and what kinds of fun things are coming up in the near future.

I told them about quitting my job and not having another and they were very excited for me. Nobody seems to be too worried at all, which is nice. No lectures or advice or words of wisdom being thrown in my direction. Maybe they all think that I’m a grown up and can sink or swim for myself. Let’s hope they are right.

We did not talk about the relationship status or Matt at all, which was also nice. I did not tell Denise we broke up until after Christmas this past year, mostly probably because I was hoping it was only temporary.

Denise and I have been friends with since she moved to CB in 6th grade. We went to elementary, middle-school, and high-school together. She is one of a very few people that I am still friends with from HS. Really, I only keep in moderate contact with a couple of people “from those days”. And moderate is being a bit generous.

The others are Kelly, Laurie, and Rio, who I also graduated with but did not go to elementary school with like Denise. We see each other on FB, which you know is no substitute for a real connection, so I feel like I know what is going on in their lives, but I really don’t. Nor do they really know what is going on in mine.

Of these four lovely ladies, only Rio was in my wedding when I got married when I was 19. The others were Danielle, Stacey, Erika, and my sister Lindsay. Besides my sister, I don’t talk to or see any of these people anymore. Danielle moved farther away (albeit not that far), Erika and I had a pretty significant falling out many years ago, and Stacey has moved on from this life.

Thinking about it now, it is interesting how people come into and out of our lives. Things happen and as time passes we grow and change and so do they. Some people we grow closer to and others we grow apart from. It feels like a very natural occurrence and one that we should not be too upset about. For a very long time I was upset by the end of my friendship with Erika, but eventually let it go. You have to let it go or those kinds of things will weigh you down your entire life. And life is too short for that.

Denise and I talked about Erika last night too, as a similar thing happened with them. We were once a pretty tight group of friends, back before I had my kids, and we went for walks every week and talked about everything. We bridged the gap between Nebraska and Iowa and it did not seem that far, until one day it was. First we stopped meeting every week, and then girls game night that was once a month stopped too. Eventually, our annual Christmas Cookie baking event also stopped being scheduled. Other things and other people became more important. It was sad for a long time, but then, as more time passed it didn’t feel sad anymore, just “the way life is”.

Last night I found myself staring off into that sunset off her back deck last being at peace with all of it. It’s was a good feeling.

I think I need to get to a place where I’m at peace with my relationship with Matt. I certainly have that with regard to my ex-husband, and also the one other person I dated semi-seriously. I even have peace with my relationship with Josh, which is an ongoing thing. We have an understanding, and a mutual respect for each other, and care about each other while still recognizing there is no future there. We’ve been through the trials to answer the question, “can we just be friends”, with yes.

Denise seems to be very happy now in her new place with her man and all is right with the world. They are making plans for the future and that is how it should be. I’m very happy for her.

As for me, I’m getting there too, slow and steady. I think I’m on the right track and moving forward. I’m moving forward and looking forward to the future, which is a good sign.

Now Let’s Do Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-16 Lot 2 – Delayed Review.. 2.5

This one kinda makes me a little sad. I remember when I first had the Lot 2 cheeseburger a couple of years ago and thought it was the bomb. Something about the sauce and the way it was cooked. It was juicy and tasty and the fries and mustard dip were also amazing. But when I had it this week (and it has been quite a while since I have been to Lot 2), it was disappointing.

I went with my friend Amy earlier this week after seeing a show in Benson and so it was late and there were not a lot of people there. Our waiter was good-looking, and nice, and helpful. He was also patient while we deliberated over what drinks to order from the cocktail menu. I ordered the one with vodka as the base, since I’m a vodka girl and the name of it was something so appropriate, like “My own complication”. I don’t remember, I’ll have to call and ask because I remember thinking “That is so me”.

Unfortunately, the waiter and the cocktails were the highlight and perhaps the kale salad coming in third. The salad was exactly how I had remembered and aside from having too many capers, it was pretty delicious. The cheeseburger, as I eluded to, was not good.

The first time it came out, it was extremely rare. So rare, infant, that the bottom bun was literally soggy and smashed down flat to the plate. Totally gross. Since we split it, the first thing we did was cut it down the middle and knew immediately it was undercooked. We had asked for medium. I remember that place sort of undercooking before, slightly. Sort of like asking for medium and getting medium rare, but this was totally off.

We had it sent back and asked for a re-do. This is something I “rarely” do. Haha. When it came out the second time, it was like they over-compensated and it was now over-cooked. Not feeling into a three-peat, we went for it. The flavor was OK, but not as good as I remember and the bun to burger ratio was too high. There were bites that were only bun. I don’t remember the cheese situation (and that should always be memorable) and the other toppings, including the sauce, were also not noteworthy.

The fries were still pretty good, but by the time we were having them, they were not hot any longer and kind of limp.

With 3 being the middle of the 5 point scale, I have to come under that on this one and go with 2.5. Again, very disappointing, and that is totally a reflection of the cheeseburger itself and not the experience as a whole. I would definitely go back for more cocktails, the steak and frites main course, and another chat with that waiter. 😃

Check Please,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-15 Mid Month Moodiness

The last few days have been a struggle again. My emotions at work ran high yesterday and I have about a week left and I can’t quite figure out why I was letting things get to me. I woke up at 5AM yesterday and 5AM again today and something is stuck spinning in my brain. That has to be the reason I have not been able to fall back asleep, like I have been doing so well these last few weeks. In fact, until yesterday, my sleep was nearing the 8 hour average mark.

Yesterday I was ultra focussed on a few work items and alleviated the immediate pressure by scheduling a meeting with one of our executives.. the founder of the company and the person I have historically most often been coached by these past 5 years. He was one of those folks who was really tough to face when I resigned, but now that a few weeks have passed, I’ll be able to have a conversation and keep my composure.

I want to talk to him about the future state of the company and more specifically, my area and the roadmap of my product. I’m being very possessive, but that’s what happens after five years in the driver’s seat. I’m in a very odd position with an internal struggle between holding on and letting go. I think this conversation will help me. That’s going to happen next Monday. My last Monday working for a while.

Then there’s the Matt aspect (if you can call a person an aspect). Another struggle to let go. I believe the best thing for me would be not to communicate at all, but I am compelled to. I don’t pretend to understand my own behavior. Even in the last week, I’ve teared up a couple of times thinking about “us”, and then spontaneously texted two days ago with a question. I was really just wanting to say “hi”, but came up with a reason, so it would not seem so random. I don’t know why I can’t just let go.

I went to a show with my Friend Amy last night and after we went to Lot 2 for food and drinks. We both had a kale salad and split a cheeseburger That was a place Matt and I used to go to and split a cheeseburger. It made me happy and sad at the same time. The cheeseburger was not as good as I remember.

It is mid week, mid month, and mid life and I have to figure out how to snap out of this funk. It’s 7:15AM now and I’m already tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I’m wanting to go back to sleep and now is the time I should be waking up. That’s messed up.

Back to Bed?
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. Today I am grateful for having events to look forward to in my future.

2017-06-13 On Being Grateful

When I was out in Austin two short months ago my friend Rebecca had a Mother’s day celebration and invited all their friends. Mother’s day was just an excuse, it was a good time to get together and celebrate.. life. They have a lot of great friends. One of her close friends is Holly and I’ve not only met Holly before but we’ve been on a girls trip together in Mexico. She’s a lot of fun.

Later in the afternoon at this party Hollie and a few other ladies and I were sitting at the kitchen table and talking about stuff. I think I may have mentioned really struggling in the last year and how my struggles have continued into this year. She empathized with me. I did not go into a ton of detail, but she did offer some advice which sounded very legit, and very much something that I, myself, would come up with. That was taking a few moments every day to write down what you are grateful for.

She said she has done this simple practice before and it has helped her. It does not matter how much you put into it, the benefit is real. It is through recognition of what we have, and the good in our lives, that we find peace with life. Things get so very busy and we spend too much time thinking about what the next thing is or how to meet a goal or have something more that we don’t just stop and look around and admire all there is, right now in this moment. If we take time to do that, we will feel better about where we are. In turn, it will improve the mood of the day. Especially if you do it early in the day or “first thing” she said.

I did not start this journal until January, but I can tell you that back in November when I was in full-on train wreck mode, I used this tactic multiple times to try and get through it. Back then, it was less about having a simple daily practice and more about using this strategy in key moments where I felt so low I did not know how to make it through to the next. Right now, I recognize I am in a much better place, but still struggling somewhat, and could still benefit from a daily ritual.

So starting today (because today is always a good day to start), I am going to recognize and write down something I am grateful for. I am going to try and do this each and every day. It may or may not be here in this forum, but I’m going to give it a shot. We’ll see if that really does give me an extra mood boost or improves my outlook over time.

Stopping to Smell the Roses,
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. I am grateful for this blog. 😉

2017-06-11 Sunday Stats and Things Like That

I’ve been so focussed on the big things and the big picture and big changes that I have not been keeping up on my day to day/week to week analysis. It’s really about time to start digging back into the details and when it comes to details, stats (and things like that) are where it’s at.

Have I written about balance? Yes
Have I written about everything being connected? Yes
Have I concluded that being healthy starts with sleeping well? Yes, lots of times. All of the validation I need is within these few important items…

Sleep: Last 7 days average 7 hours and 39 minutes. 39 minutes above my unofficial goal. 😃

Exercise: 7 day average step count is 18,150. That’s 6K over my official goal of 12K per day and 3 K over my unofficial daily goal. 😃

I’ve been to 3 or 4 Jazzercise classes this week as well as multiple workouts at the gym and several walks in various parts of town (hence the stellar step count). 😃

Eating: This is the one area I feel I’ve sort of failed on as Ive given in to lots of cravings and eaten out a bunch. The scale is up a few lbs. and I want to try and figure out how to make a plan and stick to it. Of all the things, I think this will be the biggest challenge ahead of me.

For today though, I want to celebrate this success. Deep down in my heart I feel like I can attribute my sleeping better to the huge weight that has been lifted off me. I also feel like the fact that I am beginning to “let go” has given be back a little more time to focus on exercise, even though I’m not really done yet.

That celebration starts with enjoying the rest of my weekend. Monday will be here soon, so I am going to go now, and squeeze as much funday out of the rest of this Sunday as I can.

Cheers,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-09 The Human Connection

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m just finishing up my work day. I was able to get to most of the things I intended to get to today including sending out a communication to all my customers letting them know that I am leaving the company and my last day is the 22nd of June.

Five years of my life and all the relationships I have worked hard to establish and maintain condensed down to one email that is very generic and can never say enough about how I feel about those people or this situation. It was hard to hit send. It was really, really tough but I did it. After was a release of mixed emotions.

Part of me still does not feel like this is real yet, but two weeks from today, I will no longer have a job. Will I feel free? Will I feel excited? Will I feel happy, or sad, or regretful or will I just coast into the next chapter of my life without a lot of emotional fanfare?

I really don’t think the latter will be the case. I’ve already gotten two responses back from my email bomb and I started to tear up. People are going to miss me and it is all those people that I really will miss working with. The people are why I do the job I do. I’ve said that before and I will say it again. When it comes down to it, the relationships we establish in life are so very important. One of the most important things. And this is coming from an introvert that does not even like people that much, so it seems contradictory, but I recognize the truth in this.

It is one reason that one of the things on my “set list” for this summer will be to deepen the relationships I have with people. Social media has pretty much killed the interpersonal communication scene. People think they are more connected now, but in reality they are less connected. If you see “Susy” went downtown for dinner and posted about the great time she had, you might think you know how she is doing, but do you really? I don’t think so.

Seeing what people post on Facebook, or Twitter, or Insta, or SnapChat does not make you more connected to that person. It just shows you a small slice of their life that they want everyone to see. To really know how “Susy” is doing, you have to talk to her. You have to call her or visit her and have a conversation. That is what I intend to do a lot more of this summer. I have used lack of time as an excuse for not doing this, and I can no longer use that excuse. It is time to act.

As a list maker, I kind of want to make a list of all the things I want to do and all the people I want to re-connect with, so that might be something I sit down and do this weekend. It is Friday after all and I don’t have a lot of solid plans.

Time to finish up work now and get moving on to the next thing…
Happy Friday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-08 On Books and Reading

I’ve started reading a new book. Something that I picked up in Denver from Lance. It’s called “Love and Garbage” and was written by Ivan Klima. I cracked it open last Sunday when I took the kids to the pool and am really not that far into it, but already I am reminded how much I love to read.

I finished the last book I read back in January when I returned from my trip to Mexico and that was extremely satisfying. After that I attempted to read another book I downloaded randomly on my kindle which was more of a reference and “guide” if you will, to eating healthy. It was very much about the body mind connection and claimed that if you eat healthy, you mind mind will follow suit. While I agree with that somewhat, I just don’t have it in me to read such a thing. It’s apparently not in my nature.

I wrote a poem about it once. I have several books on my shelf that are “instructional” in some way. Everything from being happy, to raising children in a divorce situation, to harnessing the “Power of Now”. I have tried and failed to read all of these. They are wasted on me. But give me a good story about the end of the world and beyond, or some strange romance, or group of characters in a make believe world who have magical powers and I am all-in.

It may get to the point where I’m completely “unavailable” for a couple of days while I disconnect from my reality completely to become one with that world. Pretty soon now, that may be a more frequent occurrence and I am looking very forward to it. I miss reading books. That’s never a thing I thought I would say in my life, but that’s what has happened. Time to change that too.

Keep Reading On,
~Miss SugarCookie