A few days ago I wrote about finally doing something I have been afraid to do for years. Fear may or may not be the right word, but at the heart of it, there is always some reason and that is the closest I thing I can come to pinpointing the root of why I had not submitted any of my writing to a publication.
This time, making the leap of faith to do something I had not done before was about 85% me. It was probably 10% inspired by the poetry reading/workshop I went to last week, and the last 5% I’m going to say was Simon. I think it is good to recognize where our motivation comes from and in this case, I’m pleased that it was mostly me. I don’t want to ever have to rely on other people or circumstances to push me to do something I really want to do but am afraid. I want to overcome my fears and have the ability to recognize when it is fear and to just go for it anyway. As Princess KK would say, “No risk, no reward”.
With that being said, I still want to acknowledge when there are people or circumstances that have helped me along. I want to be grateful for those people and those opportunities and if possible, I want to tell them or show them I’m grateful. In that blog post a few days ago I mentioned mustering the courage in 2010 to start posting my writing in a blog. That was seven years ago and I feel like I should publicly give credit where credit is due…
At that time, I was newly divorced and had just decided to start dipping my toe into the dating pool. I was urged by my friends to do that and not knowing how to do that, I elected to turn to match.com. There I quickly found a handful of people who, based on brief profiles and pictures, I had an interest in that also had an interest in me. I ended up going out on about three dates in one week (which was too much for me – but doesn’t that sound familiar?!).
The last of those three dates was with a guy, let’s call him Vis. After that lunch meet up at Ruby Tuesday at 102nd and Pacific, Vis and I became fast friends. It was not long before I knew his whole story and not long after that when we became intimate. We were extremely compatible intellectually and spiritually and emotionally and physically. We had some similar interests and many different interests. The one overarching item with regard to our relationship was the fact that I was way more into him than he was into me. I wanted a relationship and he just wanted to be friends because he knew I was “not the right girl for him”.
Based on behavior and words and shared experiences, I thought he might not being truthful about that, but I conceded to his request to just be friends with an option to opt-out at any time if someone better came along. That seemed OK at the time and I remained hopeful that he would change his mind right up until the very minute that someone better did come along.. for him. Cue the heartbreak.
I’m not going into the full story because “aint nobody got time for that”. The truth is that in the six months we were together, he urged me to post my writing online. He gave me strength to get over some other things I was dealing with at the time and supported my goals. The relationship was not for naught.
I was crushed when it was over, but looking back with softer eyes, I see the good. I see the value in what we both brought to each other. I want to give him credit for helping me and acknowledge his participation in my life’s journey. Relationships come and go, people wander in different directions on the path of life, but most still exist and are out there somewhere. A person should not dwell in the past, but they also should not pretend it never existed.
Incidentally, I’ve only had a handful of romantic relationships in my life and the one I had with Vis was the most poetically fruitful. I mean that quite literally. The number of poems I wrote about him, and us, and our time together outnumbers any other I’ve had by quite a margin. That includes Brian, my ex-husband whom I was with for 18 years and Matt, who I was with for 5. Considering the one with Vis was only 6 months, that’s quite impressive. I should give him credit for that too, despite the fact that most of that poetry WAS about being dumped.
In any case, I intend to email Vis and thank him. It’s the least I could do for the gifts he gave me.