2017-09-07 I’m So Done With Being On the Edge

I think I am finally finished with the edging. Hooray!! I should stop and treat myself to something I love to celebrate that success (if I am following my own advice that is).

The lines are good and the bricks are somewhat packed in (as much as I can with my body weight). I had some spare fill dirt/topsoil for another project that I used to fill in either side of the trench. I could spend hours more using the hammer and 2 by 4 I have to really pack that dirt in, but not now. I’ve spent way too much time already. At this moment, I am really done with looking at the edge, contemplating the edge, working on the edge, and it has, quite literally, put me “on the edge”.

I think when I go to plant the spring bulbs I’m planning, that will be another opportunity to go methodically through the line and do more. We will see if that actually comes to pass. Right now, I need to turn my attention to some other things that I have neglected over the past week.

It is a good thing that I am a “list” person. Everything that I have thought of or come across that I know I was not going to be able to get to has gone on the list. I probably have ten items that need attention at this point. Luckily all of them are going to be quick. Some phone calls and a few things online.

I expect that I’ll be caught up by the end of the weekend as long as I don’t get distracted by any more gardening projects. I couldn’t help but buy a few more things from the Home Depot clearance section and will want to figure out what to do with them soonish.

As I noted yesterday, the writing and blogging is something I have not been doing as much of in the last few days and I’m hoping to spend some time on a few different topics. I’ve been eating a little better, sleeping a little better, and am getting ample exercise and have not compromised those things and I’ve got some thoughts on all of it. I also have some more thoughts about relationships and my picture of that and connections with people is constantly evolving.

Once again the kids will be home from school soon so I am going to cut this off now and be ready to switch to “mom” mode.

Later Gaterz,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-08-11 It’s FriYay Again

I’m bound and determined to get my act together today and at the very least finish digging a trench for these edging pavers for my back garden. I also got it in my head yesterday that I would like to go for a bit of a bike ride and really see what’s up with patio trail and how that connects with a few other trails in the area. All this has to be done by like 4 because I am also bound and determined to go visit my friend Leah at her Jazzercise class at 4:30. I have not seen her for about a month.

I’m going to make this one quick today because I really want to get up and at it. No more communication back from my “beach day” friends. I’m very much confused about how when we are meeting in person it seems so very good but then there are such long stretches of silence in between. The longer it goes, the less hope I have for anything.

I had over 8 hours of sleep again last night which makes like 5 days in a row and that is a new record. My average sleep for the week is 8 hours and 1 minute and I can’t tell you how good that feels. I’m really loving the way I feel when I wake up. Refreshed, energized, happy. I could really get used to this. Of course in about four days the kids go back to school so we will all have to be getting up a little earlier. For me, I think the trick will be going to bed earlier too. I should do that anyway and set a good example for the kids. They don’t get back until Sunday so it is going to be an abrupt change for them. Hopefully they have been getting up early on their vacation with their dad.

OK, no more stalling. I’m going to go straight to the backyard to get to work. I need to keep my eyes closed until I get there so I don’t get distracted (again) by something else along the way.

Doing the FriYay Dance,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-06 On Blogging (That’s So Meta)

It was either the 20K steps I had yesterday or the two glasses of wine that did me in by like 10:30pm. Perhaps I should consider that I was up at 4:50am without much significant rest all day. I woke today around 5:45am, partially due to the pressure in my bladder and partially due to my kitten complaining about something. I chucked several decorative pillows at her from the bed, but she kept coming back making more noise. Finally at 6 I opened the curtains and the windows to get some fresh air in the room. It’s very overcast today.

Sometimes when I post things on WordPress I get likes and I end up going to look at what those people have written. Many times it’s some promotional site for some thing or other and I quickly navigate away. Sometimes, however, it’s a real human being who is also just posting about their life or opinions or short stories or poetry. I know some people get lost in an endless stream of videos on You-Tube these days, but I could fare about the same with the WordPress content that is available. I find myself most drawn to the other people who are writing about themselves. It’s fascinating and then I realize, hey, that’s what I’m doing.

I’ve had a couple of people inquire about my blog in real life and I have been quite leery to share. I very much appreciate writing under the presence that “nobody” is actually reading and then I don’t find myself giving much thought to needing to alter my words for the sake of any person. I know the tried and true rule about knowing your audience, and if I know I have an audience, then there might be some slight modifications because of that. That being said, there are a few people who do know what the site is, and I’m happy to say I don’t think it is affecting the outcome.

The first was a person I dated back in 2010 and we ran into each other late last year and then again early this year. That was very early in this endeavor and since I had not seen this person in so long, I did not think their knowing would change things. I honestly don’t know if he reads any of this. I mean, for real, who has time for that (besides me)?

The second person was my closest colleague at my last job. That one was sort of a happy accident I think. I don’t remember how the topic came about, but I eluded to the fact that I post to a blog and he took it upon himself to go hunting things out. He’s the one who discovered that my blogs were all listed together in the “Gravitar” section of my main blog including this one which I had wanted to keep concealed. I wanted this blog to remain somewhat anonymous and there it was, right under my picture and the three or four other blogs I have. Whoops. I’ve fixed that now, thanks to him.

I am not sure if he reads the things I write either. He also shared with me what his blog was and I subscribe to that and read those just about as soon as they are posted (I get a notification via email). His stuff is more retrospective but contain insight into his present state of mind. He’s a good writer and I enjoy reading his posts. I also get a little inspired to perhaps do more “backstory” posts or even deeper dives into certain topics that I think of from something that has happened, but for some reason I haven’t seem to do much of that yet.

I don’t ever seem to get past the “this is what I did today” stuff, which is quite dreadful really. I’ve even written before about the fact that so much of that is just repeating the same thing over and over. I mean, how much can one person talk about their sleep deprivation or achievements? Apparently in my case, quite a lot. I’m more than half a year in and still at it though so it’s definitely doing something for me. I don’t tend to think about it much, which is strange, but I do feel like my writing and this blog have helped me “dig out” of the hole that I had dug for myself in recent times. I really don’t see any conclusion for it anytime soon either.

So I’m going to go ahead and keep on living, and writing, and posting, and reading and we’ll see where that leads. I might be going no-where, but at least I have a great record of my ride.

Today is Sunday. I’ve long ago abandoned the idea that there is a formula for a perfect Sunday. I used to think if you did paint by numbers, so to speak, and practiced yoga and had coffee and sushi and cocktails and writing and listening to music and walking that you could not go wrong. It seems logical enough, but even doing all that may not guarantee a win for the day. There’s some magic ingredient that eludes me. Hopefully it is not sunshine, because it looks like we will be having none of that today. Very overcast indeed.

Just Keep Swimming,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-07-11 Portland: What People Do

When in Portland

Today we did what people in Portland do
And went to have donuts at the VooDoo.
Today we did what people in Portland do
And walked up and down 3rd Avenue

We spied some parks and a fountain too.
We ate at a food truck or two.
We did the things that people here do
Because when you’re in Portland that’s what you do.

Then we jumped in the car and drove away
Out of the city about mid-day.
We followed the nav and what did it say?
Take 84 East for a new place to play.

When we arrived at the falls we looked up to the sky
The water was coming from so very high
Should we hike it? Yes, we just have to try.
We did not come this far to just say goodbye.

When the sun started setting we headed back west
Time for some food and a nice place to rest.
We found a good spot, perhaps not the best
It been just lovely being Oregon’s guest.

Yes today has been full, it’s been tried, it’s been true.
There is so much too see here, so much to do
Today we did what people in Portland do
Tomorrow it’s off to the coast for a different view.

***

Best moment of the day… Walking on 3rd avenue when my 15 year old daughter and 13 year old son both held my hand as we walked. I can’t help but be grateful they still want to hold my hand at this age and I also think it may be one of the last times they will both want to. So wonderful.

Best quote of the day… Z: I think there is a skunk near the trail. Me: Um, chances are HIGH that is not a skunk! 😛 (then she punches my arm).

It’s only day one of our little adventure and already it has been so great. I’m excited to see what tomorrow brings.

Peace and Love,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-21 Still Too Much

Things have transitioned from “feeling better because the weight of the job stress is melting away” to “oh shit, I have two days left to finish some stuff”. It started at four, now three, now today, waking up at 5AM again, it’s two. TWO DAYS LEFT OF WORK.

Today I have to switch gears and really stop focusing on doing work and focus more on conversations giving work to other people. Well, one other person anyway – which will be too much too. Hopefully, the newer folks on the team will be picking some things up to help real soon.

Last night I took the kids to visit my Dad who I did not see on Father’s day. I don’t see him very often, maybe four or five times a year including Christmas. In fact, it’s mostly holidays, not that I would consider Father’s day a holiday. They were just getting home and had Godfathers pizza for dinner and I lifted a couple of slices of that since I had not eaten. My dad opened a bottle of my favorite wine (which I brought to Thanksgiving last November that apparently nobody wanted).  Later we shared a strawberry pie that I made  (my late Grandmother – his mom’s recipe). I finally told him I quit my job.

If there would be one person I would expect to get some grief from or at least be somewhat worried about my choices, it would be my dad. However, I presented it in such a way, there was nothing snarky or skeptical or judgmental someone could say. I painted a picture of 2016 and then went into more detail about my most recent experience in Phoenix and coming home to even more “drama”, with no time for rest in-between. I talked about working 3 weeks straight and not sleeping well and not having time for the kids. After all that, who in their right mind would question my choice. He didn’t.

Yesterday I felt a fair amount of anxiety over, well work primarily, but also just the idea that “stuff” was not getting done and I wanted something that I could point to and say “look, I finished that”. It didn’t happen. Not enough anyway. But talking about my woes with my Dad (and his Wife) made me feel better. I think talking to people in general makes me feel better, but I sometimes feel like it’s a one or two shot deal.

Last fall I talked to my mom multiple times about my situation with Matt and by the 3rd or 4th time she was suggesting counseling. I don’t typically want to burden other people with my heavy stuff, so when she said that, I knew she was 1). Genuinely concerned about my mental health but also 2). Tired already of hearing the same things again. After that, I stopped bringing it up. I never went to see a counselor, because that’s never worked for me before (and I’ve tried two or three times in my life).

With friends, I feel like I really do only have one shot. I tell my story, get their opinion, and then we never talk about it more. The story is ongoing, but honestly not a lot has changed in the last 6 months. What more can you say about it? Yes, I still feel like I made a mistake (several mistakes) last year. Yes, I still feel sick thinking about Matt dating some other girl. Yes, I still want to talk to him and have to resist texting. Yes, I still cry about it. Maybe not as often as I was six months ago, but the road to recovery is long and slow to travel.

I feel like people don’t want to hear my broken record of a sob story. This is why a blog is such a great idea. I can say the same thing day after day after day, and since nobody (not nobody) is reading, nobody (not nobody) will be bored out of their mind with it.

Just like the last few weeks when I probably have talked about quitting my job almost daily.. It does not matter because I can do that here and will not feel like a burden on anyone but those people who perhaps are choosing to silently, anonymously accompany me through it. If you are reading this right now, thanks for sticking with me.

It’s almost 6AM and really time to figure out what today looks like. Hopefully it will include me pointing at something and getting to say “look, I finished that” and that “Too Much” gets just a little smaller. Fingers crossed.

Time to Make the Doughnuts,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-03-11 Conundrums and Chaos

Where to start now? Well.. at the present moment I’m sitting in Flagship Commons and have about an hour and fifteen minutes to kill before the hoard of 15 year old girls I’m hosting today comes back around. It’s a mall scavenger hunt. Apparently that’s a thing.

There is too much going on here. Is this a mall food court? Is it lounge? Is it a sports bar? There are too many people and the music is too loud and not to my liking and there is a faint smell of different kinds of food being prepared lingering in the air. It’s hard not to just stop and watch the people and let your mind wander. This is a test. Can I still write something meaningful that makes sense. I guess we shall see.

Earlier today I took the girls to a place called House of Conundrum which has a set of “escape rooms”. You basically get a problem to solve and an hour to figure out all the clues to solve the problem. It was super fun, but there were a couple parts that were frustrating and we lost time because of that. My daughter is a pretty smart cookie and she’s got some smart friends and I think they would have been just as successful without me there to help. We got stuck on a picture puzzle where we had to translate the pictures into letters. We also stalled out because we solved one of the puzzles and the lock we put the combo in would not open and we tried it multiple times. In the end, we missed a clue that was hidden. It was tough but fun. I think the girls liked it. I would definitely do it again.

It’s a little bit of chaos running Z and her friends around, but so much better now that they are older. I can relate to these girls. We can turn the music up in the car and everybody knows the words. At home they are all laughing and telling jokes and making up nicknames for each other and it’s so awesome to see my daughter so happy. She worries too much about how things are going to go. “What we will do and who will show up” were things she’s been worrying about for a couple of weeks now and I can completely understand that anxiety. I feel it too. I don’t know if it’s a thing that ever goes away. Is it genetic? Is it just us? Or is it everybody.

I will certainly take the voices talking over voices and three conversations going on at once and running around a little wild and crazy. I will embrace the late nights divulging secrets and sleeping in late. I will gladly be the house that people can always walk to and hang out at after school if they need to. These times roll so fast and I know that and I want them to be remembered as good times. The teenage chaos will always be welcome in the house of Miss SugarCookie. I want her to have positive memories instead of what I have which is really not a lot of memories at all. I hope it’s possible.

I’m running on 5.5 hours of sleep again and even with all the stimuli surrounding me my eyes are weary and the words on the screen are blurring. I’m going to quit for now and just people watch.

2017-03-10 Back to Reality

I’ve been thinking about this for days. Thinking and not writing. The road trip I took to Saint Louis feels like a million miles in the past now and it has been such a long week. When I got home, it was like switching gears so fast back to my regular world and so much needing to be done “right now” that I’ve barely had time to reflect on it let alone write about all the things I’ve been thinking and feeling this week.

When I was there, one of the things that was so nice was just having the dedicated time to myself to write. Even though I was still working, and exercising, and eating all the good food, just taking one or two things out of the daily routine gave me a little more time. Getting home so late Sunday (which was really early Monday) was rough and I wasn’t prepared.

Monday I had a doctor’s appointment I forgot about, so I had to, at the last minute, take that time off of work. I was also having a headache presumably from the sleep deprivation and just wanted to stay in bed and pretend I was still on my little vacation. It was also super nice out and there were things I wanted to get done in the yard that I had been putting off since last fall. I ended up taking the entire day off just to cope.

Tuesday, I had to face work again and it was also, of course, Zs bday, so that was the focus for that day.

Wednesday and Thursday were more normal days getting back to the regular routine, but still not enough time in the day to catch up on work or what I wanted to accomplish at home. I’ve had some strange ups and down’s emotionally and I can’t quite say there is some specific reason, just a wandering of my mind leading to either melancholy or happiness. Nothing captured in the moment, sadly.

Friday Z took a day off of school and I took another day off of work so we could spend the whole day together, just the two of us. I have this tradition that I do this with the kids around their birthday once a year. It’s really not often that I get one on one quality time with them because it’s usually the three of us together. This “free” day gives us a chance to just enjoy our time and they get to pick what we do so they look forward to it too.

Z and I had breakfast out at Village in and followed that up with a Movie and shopping for food and supplies for her friend birthday party this weekend. It turned out to be a really good day.

When I was in Saint Louis, I suspended my food tracking for the weekend and so Monday meant picking that back up again and facing the reality that I’m still not making any real changes to improve my diet. Vacations and road trips are special, and experiencing all the food from a new place is one of those things I really enjoy, and I’m not going to force myself to conform to a specific diet during those times. But choices I have made since I have been home have not been so great either, and I’m sure my stats for this week will be telling. Sometime this weekend I’m going to do some analysis and look at all that and really make a plan for the week ahead. I just have to find the time.

That’s the challenge, you know, finding time to do everything you want to do. This week I definitely felt like my writing was being neglected, but the other priorities were more demanding. Work, Kids, exercise, (and the Bachelor – haha). I’m not sure how to solve that. Perhaps it will never be solved. Maybe that’s just going to be the way that it is and the focus should be more about accepting it for what it is to be at peace with this reality. Is there any other choice? I just don’t know.

Back to Life,
Miss SugarCookie