2018-02-19 Location, Location, Location

I never heard back from new guy last night. I tried to keep my mind off of it and I tried to read and write instead. I’m not going to lie, it was tough. I’m not a stalker but I feel like one. That’s not me, is it? I don’t really even know this guy so why do I care? I can’t help it, I guess. As it turns out, having someones location can really mess with your mind.

There are lots of dating applications and sites and platforms out in the wild today. Just take your pick. Some are geared for meeting people and hooking up and some are supposed to be more for finding “the one”, or at least, a long term commitment. Some sites are heavy with profiles and questions and criteria and others are very basic. Here’s a few pictures and a 300 character space with which you can say whatever you want to say.

Most of the mobile apps, I’m guessing, are pretty basic like that. Last year a friend of mine suggested Bumble and I had not tried any online dating in seven years and was in need of “getting back out there” so I decided to give it a shot. A short time later, I was actively chatting with multiple matches and trying to get to the point where I could meet some of these guys in person (which is tougher than it should be considering it is a dating app).

Bumble is very basic bitch. There are minimal fields and settings. You have spots for up to six pictures, your name and age and school and occupation that get pulled off of FB when you first register (everything but age can be changed later however), and a short space to write a ‘bio’.

In the settings you specify your preferences. I am a ‘female’ looking for ‘males’ within this age range and this distance. Ahhh, distance. Now we are getting to it. The app has to know where you are to know who to present you with as potential matches. It uses your criteria to show you profiles of other people which you then have to “swipe” left or right on to dismiss or keep. When you see their profile, you also see where they are. Not where they say they are or where they are from, but their actual location based on the GPS and their phone. Neat.

One advertised bonuses to bumble is that only ladies can make first contact if there is a match. I don’t see this as any great benefit however, because by that time, you have already swiped on each other and ‘matched’. Why wouldn’t you just say ‘hi’? However, I’m more mindful of their location that I was when I first tried it this past summer.

I’ve matched with sales people and pilots who are here overnight or are just passing through for a few days, and I’m not interested in that so I have to be watching for it. I’ve also matched and chatted with a few people who may have been in close proximity to me at some point in time but actually live a fair distance away and I know I’m not going to want that either (I guess unless that person was willing to also put some effort into the travel time too).

The point is, I’ve become used to looking at distance and thinking about it. Unfortunately, it also means I can continue to see where people are, even after the match has turned into text and ultimately going out. This is the case with my new friend, who basically ditched me yesterday without so much as a reply back to what ended up being three texts I sent inquiring about status.

One at 3:30 asking how it was going.
One at 6:30 just saying ‘hi’.
The last one at 11PM asking if he was OK.
Is that out of line. Not in my head.

What might be out of line is my going back to the Bumble app which I have not used in a couple of weeks now and looking at his location. I know it is 8.2 miles from where I am at my place to where he is at his place and since I know where he works which is a short distance from where he lives, that is also 8.2 miles. When I finally went to bed last night, after midnight, I decided to look at it and he was 6 miles away. It means he was not home. Waking up this morning, he’s still 6 miles away so he’s still not home.

There could be an issue with the app or dozen different reasons why a person would not be where you expect them to be but having that at my fingertips has turned me into a stalker. And I swear I am not one. I don’t like it and I don’t like the way I am feeling right now. I think the best things I can do for myself would be to delete the app completely and forget about it.

It’s Monday morning and Presidents day and the kids don’t have school and it’s dreary outside and I’m really tired from not sleeping well. I’ve been a big fan of Mondays lately, but I gotta be honest, again, and say I just don’t want to do today.

I’m Going Back to Bed,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-01-26 Just Another Post About Relationships

Yes.. again. I’ve apparently been condemned to a life of never ending questions about relationships and not a lot of answers. Where does one start? I’ll start with the state of starting over.

A friend of mine said to me one time that if he and his wife were ever to part ways, for whatever reason, he thinks he would not be interested in starting over. That somehow he would just live the rest of his life as a single dude. This feels impossible to me.

I know everyone is different, and perhaps there are people out there, like my friend, who are built with an internal fortitude enough to know they could live a long time without a partner. I know I’m not.

This just means that I can’t be out of it for very long before getting back in it. This leads to my current predicament, which is the state of starting over. Beginning again is challenging, and it never gets easier. In fact, I think it gets more and more difficult each time.

It’s such a strong current of thought that it surfaces even when I am with someone. For example, even before things were even ‘over’ with Simon, I was already thinking about the notion (including both the positives and negatives) of being single and available again. Maybe that was really the final sign I needed to recognize he wasn’t right for me. I’d started thinking about starting again and my mind was wandering to other prospects.

I found myself thinking about Lance. As unrealistic as that is, due to the distance between us and the precarious nature of our history, my mind went there. The mind is a powerful thing. It convinced me that, despite the obstacles, there could be something more there. I weighed the pros and cons and, yes, acknowledged I have feelings for this guy and somehow concluded that it was possible.

We have a great time when we are together but he lives in Denver. He’s got a good job that he likes and he’s got his shit together, but he lives in Denver. He’s a happy, positive, attractive person who is attracted to me, but he lives in Denver. He’s active, has a great network of friends, and lives a healthy lifestyle. Oh, but did I mention, he lives in Denver.

So that’s just a tiny detail right? And of course there are more difficult challenges that people have, but the brain is one with the force and the force is with the brain. It concluded that it could still work so I initiated a conversation.

It was more like sending a very benign question across the line. I suggested that I was looking for an excuse to get out of town, which I want to do anyway, and asked if he’d be available for a visit in February. The conversation that followed only proves that the Universe, while possibly brilliant, is also a dirty bastard with a keen way of reminding us of what was written in the fine print.

In short, he’s just started seeing someone and said I’d be welcome to come stay at his place because he’ll probably be staying at hers. Quick, somebody take the knife out of me before he twists it.

“She’s a hot 44 year old that has a really good job .. and he’s deleted the dating app he used to find her because he really wants to see where it’s going”. Too late, knife=twisted.

“Great! Good luck with that.” Was my response. I also said that if he wasn’t going to be available there was no reason for me to go to Denver. Like, thanks, the last thing I want to do is go to Denver alone where I don’t know anyone else. I’m sure he sensed my disappointment, even if it was just a text conversation.

Can you even believe I was upset about that? How on earth is it possible that some idea in my head could be so convincing that there are residual hurt feelings over some guy I never dated seeing someone else. What is wrong with me?!?!

That’s rhetorical.. moving on.

I’m not built for life without a partner. I’m not even built for life without the idea of a person who might be my person. I’m condemned to either ponder it endlessly or actually take steps to start over. At least I know myself.

Three or four days ago I opened the Bumble app (which I never deleted). I rewrote my profile bio in the dead of the night and adjusted my target age range. I waited until the light of day to start swiping again because nothing says “creeper” like a person who matches with you at 3am. 😂

Now I’ve got 2 or 3 conversations that are active and am spending my precious time chatting instead of work and schoolwork. That’s so wrong, but what is one to do anyway?

Also rhetorical.

***

I keep trying to open my heart.
But I just end up back here,
the place where folks start.

These are the only three lines I kept from a poem that got workshopped during Residency and have subsequently rewritten the rest. It’s called “Toothbrushes”. It’s probably still shit, but I’m including it in my first packet regardless.

Ok.. now to resist the urge to do more swiping and get to work.

Friday Fringles,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-06 The Raw Truth About This Dating Thing

This IS the organic blog about my life. That means it’s just raw and real and there are no additives and preservatives and no processing or editing. It’s just me. I just need to be real about this moment in my life. For one minute can I really just be exposed and not give a shit about it? I think I can.

I’ve blogged about my dating experiences on a very guarded level. Like here are the stats about how many people I have met and what my impressions have been and what I’ve learned and how that has shaped what I think about the app I’ve been using. Yadda..yadda..yadda. I’ve left out bits and pieces here and there to protect myself from.. myself. Or rather, protect myself from some consequence I have imagined would be applied if I really just came out with all of it.

That guy that I met in the beginning of July that I really liked and had a great first date with. You might recall I named him Mr. Fireworks because we sat in his truck after meeting for a drink at the bar and watched the fireworks explode on the horizon of the Chalco recreation area as the sun went down. We had a very deep conversation that night which delved into faith and philosophy and belief and we also kissed and I felt very connected and hopeful about the possibilities. The second time we met was at my house and I slept with him and after that night he never responded to me again. That’s the raw truth about what happened with that.

I felt really shitty about it. I felt cheap and sort of used and somewhat too trusting and hopeful. I mean, what else did I expect after the snapchats that had been exchanged. I guess I thought there was something more given the conversations that we had, but apparently I was wrong about that. I can chalk that one up to naiveté and perhaps also my own desire to really just want to have something happen after so long not having anyone want me in that way. So I let that go. I did not press the issue and really did not even try to contact him after being ignored for a couple of days.

After several more weeks having text conversations and meeting several more people I really was losing interest in using the Bumble app and had several active connections but resolved not to try and start any new connections. I was just going to let if fizzle out, but did have two people who I was actively chatting with that were very interesting. Again, I wrote about this in a very generic capacity. Last weekend I wrote a bit of a “creative” blog entry about “untraveled roads”. That was sort of an extended metaphor describing the way I felt about two of the people I had met. My mind always wandering to what kind of future I might have with each. One of those people was an ex-military guy, who I will call “Alabama”, that I met for a drink downtown and, again, really had a good time with.

We had a second meet up at Walnut and went for a walk and then had a quick bite to eat before we had to part ways. He was very honest and straight forward about where he is with his life and where he was going and what his plans are for the future. I found that very refreshing. Now here is a person who has direction and purpose and not really sugar-coating the fact that his life and plans come first. Equality was one of his tattoos. It stood for equality in relationships he explains and he even sent me something via email that he wrote about that to elaborate on it further. I really liked this guy but not sure how much. He was super responsive to text and very complimentary and called me beautiful. Who doesn’t want that?

So on our third meet up we had dinner and then walked the Old Market and then went back to his place and I slept with him. It was nice. I was once again filled with hope and thoughts for the future. I don’t want my heart to be hurt again, so I was still somewhat guarded and just trying to enjoy the moments for what they were.

The week following that was the military “Wounded Warrior” games here in Omaha and he’s really heavily involved with that and was quite unavailable. He was also getting some really heavy information back about his medical conditions and being forced to make some life-changing decisions. We met for dinner once this week and he eluded to the fact that his heart condition is being considered urgent and that he’s had to schedule surgery ASAP. Likely moving to accommodate that and his plans to attend school at Alabama. Tonight I got a text that he is packing and moving this week.

Not exactly the same situation as the first guy I slept with but it’s does not change the fact that I, once again, am feeling really shitty about the outcome. I think this is the other reason I am done with this online dating garbage. This is NOT me. I am not the type of girl that goes out with people and sleeps with them on the second or third date and never sees them again. At least I don’t want to be. I want to have a romantic relationship. I want to find a long-term partner. I want someone who is responsive, who I can trust, and communicate with and am attracted to and who likes me or adores me and wants to be with me and build a life together. That is what I want. My God is that too much to ask for??!

So this afternoon I had a few girlfriends over and we shared a bottle of wine and right about the time that they left is when I was finally getting these texts back from Mr. Alabama. So I am a little tipsy and not wanting to be alone and here I am alone. All alone and thinking about how this all has unfolded and I have no-one to blame but myself. OK, so I reason with it and tell myself to just add it to the list of lessons learned and call it good because now I know more about what I am looking for, but really that is just sugar-coating it. My heart hurts and I don’t feel like I deserve this. Why is life like this. What have I done to deserve being alone and feeling this unloved and unwanted?

Why can’t I be happy without a partner? Why can’t I be satisfied with my beautiful life the way that it is? Why do I let myself feel too easily for the emotions that are inevitable with these situations? Why couldn’t I make things work with Matt? Why couldn’t I make things work with my marriage? Why is there always an imbalance in the the way people feel about each other? Why, why, why, why, Why, WHy, WHY????!!

This is the real reason why I’m not using that stupid app anymore. I quite literally don’t think I am in any shape to take on the emotional challenges that come with this constant struggle of questions without answers. I probably should be focussing on my kids and my health and my future career instead anyway. Fuck this dating garbage. What a tricky pickle I have myself in, indeed (that is caught between second and third when I can’t go forward and I can’t go back).

It’s 8PM and still light out. I’m three glasses of wine on the day now and should call it done. There was no sushi, no coffee, and no walking today so it was definitely a far cry from the “paint by numbers” Sunday that I’ve longed for for so long. Just like the rest of my life I guess.

Sayonara,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-07-23 Sunday Status Update – The Bumble Edition

I stopped doing normal Sunday status updates because, well, the sleep still goes up and down, the exercise is pretty consistent, and there is nothing noteworthy about my dietary intake. I mean, how boring can one life be anyway? So today instead I’ll be reporting live from the front line of the dating war.

I would not call it a war if it felt like a pleasant rewarding experience at all. So far it has been so less than stellar.

I’ve updated my profile and pictures and bio no less than a dozen times and feel I have everything just the way I want it.

I’ve swiped left (left is thumbs down) on many, many dozens of peoples pictures. Sometimes it is because of their bio but most times it is their pictures.

I’ve also swiped right quite a bit. Perhaps up to 60 or 70. I’ve swiped so much I ran out of people to look at. Three times I have adjusted my target age range and distance to include more people and that was fun, because looking at profiles is mildly entertaining. I have since narrowed the distance because I am not really intending to date someone from Lincoln. It’s just too far.

Of those people, I have “matched” on about 40 people. That means they swiped right on me too. Hooray for my self-esteem.

With this Bumble app, once you match the girl has to initiate the conversation which means, I had to reach out and at the very least say “hi” via “text” to those people I matched on. Once you match you have like 24 hours to do that and if you don’t the match expires and you no longer have that opportunity. I’ve let about 5-10 matches expire without saying hello. Which means, I’ve initiated around 30 to 35 conversations.

My opener has been everything from a very generic “hello, how are you” to something I felt was witty based on their picture or profile. At first it kind of freaked me out saying something to a complete stranger, but then after a while I’ve learned not to take anything to seriously. As a general rule, if you are yourself and they like you, then yay for that. So I’m just being genuine.

After the conversation has been initiated, they have 24 hours to respond, and of those 30-35 people, all but about 3 or 4 responded in some way. This means that I have had back and forth text at least once with about 30 people.

I find it amazing how many people have just let the conversation drop after that initial exchange. I’m questioning what peoples motives are. I mean, why would you “get that far” and not at least ask a question or something? So strange. I’m more of the mindset that if someone texts me, I will just text them back, because there is no harm or foul in that communication. Some people have asked questions, and maybe decided they did not like my responses and that’s OK. Some people I’ve asked questions of and did not like their responses and that’s OK too. Those conversations just dried up quickly, but at least there was some reason or thought behind it.

So those are the preliminary stats. Now for the more meaningful stats…
Six first dates, one second date, and at the present moment only one person I would probably consider a relationship with.

Date 1: Sunday Sushi Lunch. Did not look like his picture and was not really my type.

Date 2: Weekday working lunch. Did not look like his picture and was not really my type.

Date 3 (Originally Mr. Fireworks, now just a dud): My type and the first date went really good (see the post on July 2nd for details). Good enough for a second date but after the second date he was not so into me and stopped communicating. I figured I’m not his type.

Date 4: Met in the park after work to chat, drink a beer, and play frisbee. This guy was cute and kind of my type but his personality really rubbed me the wrong way. He was a little too ADHD and kind of bossy and presumptuous or something. He texted me about 5 minutes after we parted ways and wanted to inquire about dating exclusively. Once I said no to that, he never responded again.

Date 5: Nice guy, good looking and kind of my type. Dinner went great (he was the first guy since Date 1 to actually pay for anything for me). The conversation was good/easy. In the end I was probably not in the right frame of mind or something. Afterward, I went to watch what was left of the sunset at Walnut Creek and sat there listening to music and crying. The evening made me think about Matt for some reason. How we met and how he was so into me and how I was so into him from the start. I want to feel that way about somebody and this just wasn’t it. I tried to picture myself with this person on a vacation or sitting at home making dinner or something and I just couldn’t. The whole thing just made me feel like dog-doo.

Date 6 (today): We met for coffee in Benson and I got the time wrong and was like half an hour late. So out of character for me. He was handsome and fit and wonderful to talk to. I really could have stayed for much longer chatting but he had to get back home. We exchanged numbers and he did respond to the text I sent him after so I hope that is a good sign. I felt much more positive after the time we spent together than my date last night, but I don’t want to be too hopeful or seem too desperate so I’m just going to let him reach out to me again. If he does, that’s great. If not, well that will be another blow to my ego.

After all this, I have done some analysis (of course) and come to a few very important conclusions.

– I really am in this for finding a partner for the long term. I’m not built for casual dating or seeing multiple people. I can’t help but think strategically about the big picture and really want to find that right person so we can build a life together.
– I really, really want someone who wants me. I need someone to pursue me and not be wishy-washy. I need someone who is a good communicator and is responsive. I sort of knew these things before, but my experience with this so far has solidified these truths in my mind. I may be easy-going, but I very much need certain things and those are absolutes.
– I have a type. There is a look, or look+personality that I am drawn to and a few of these guys are fine people, nice people, hard workers, good citizens, but just not my type. I’m learning what that is and also how to politely tell someone that they are not my type. Telling someone something they don’t want to hear is a good skill to have, I suppose.

I’m a little disappointed in bumble in general and unless some of those conversations spark back up and someone actually asks me out on a date (5 of the 6 were initiated by me), then I’m just going to move the app off my home screen and not really look at it or do anymore swiping.

This has been a bit longer than I originally intended but I guess I had a lot to say about it. Tomorrow the kids come back and I have to admit with not feeling well and not accomplishing much this weekend I am not really ready.

Hopefully I will have a more restful sleep tonight, even if whatever this sickness I have continues to linger.

So Much for Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-26 A New Buzz in the Air

Today was an atypical Monday. My nephew is in town from Colorado and he’s about the same age as my son so we all spent the day together playing games and stuff. I had to drive back and forth to CB, IA twice to pick him up from my moms house and drop him off and that took about two hours out of my day too. It kind of felt like I had taken the day off of work because it was so different and special and I kept having to remind myself, I’m not on PTO. I’m unemployed.

With all that activity, I did not have much time to accomplish much else, but that’s OK because I have all week to figure out what to do and when. I’m not going to fib, it’s pretty amazing.

I think it will take me about a week to get into a rhythm of what my new schedule might be, but after that, I have a feeling I am going to be rocking and rolling on getting stuff done – with a heavy dose of reading and naps and hanging out at the pool.

All of this is sort of swirling in my brain but there is also a new development that is taking over some of my thoughts at this time, so I may as well dive in and expose it… I’m actively seeking someone to date.

It started about a week and a half ago when I finally took the advice of my friend Lance from Colorado and downloaded this new dating app, Bumble. I may have mentioned it in a previous post, but I don’t remember at the moment. It’s fairly simple and straightforward dating app with a bumblebee theme (because I guess you have to have a theme?). A persons profile is composed of a few pics, their age, occupations (optional), where they went to school (optional), and a 300 character bio (also optional). You provide some basic settings, like age range and distance from your location and it automatically pulls in the profile of other people to show you. Then you do the swipe right on someone you might be interested in. It’s that easy.

At first I was really gun-shy and didn’t want to swipe yes or no to anyone, but the only way to see more pics is to make a decision about the one that you are on. So one night I went through 30 or 40 pictures and ended up “swiping right” on a bunch.

The persons on the other end are doing the same thing, and then when you “like” a person who also “likes you” it’s a match and you can start a text conversation. With the rules of this app, only the girls can start the conversation, but then the guys have 24 hours to respond to that or the match goes away.

By about a week ago, I had twenty matches and had started 12 text conversations. I might have bit off more then I could chew, but once the initial back and forth was out of the way the time pressure was off and so the chat could just evolve organically.

Some of the conversations fizzled, some were by my choice and some by the choice of the person on the other end. Some folks I have had a regular back and forth with daily and even a few have asked if we could meet in person. So that is pretty much where I am at with it now. I’ve got a lot more to say about all of it, but really feel sleep taking me over now and it is late, so I am going to pick up here tomorrow.. because now I can. 😃

Sweet Dreams
~Miss SugarCookie