2018-04-26 Up Before the Sun.. Twice

Sometimes the Universe has an ironic sense of humor and sometimes it’s just a supreme asshole. For real.

Last night I woke when it was still dark. Looking down at my Fitbit (to check the time) all I could see was that the battery had been exhausted and a charge was in order. I took it off and put it on the charger. Then Iooked at my phone and it was 3 something. Ugh.

I woke because I was having a bad dream. Not a nightmare by any stretch of the imagination but bad enough. I was dress shopping (oh the horror 😱) and I couldn’t find what I was looking for. I was in a mall and going from store to store and what I wanted to find was something semi-formal for a special occasion. The racks were practically bare.

I recall thinking that if I didn’t find something I could always wear one of those cocktail length brides maids dresses I already have. Yeah, even in my sleep the logical brain is hard at work. There was only a few dresses I remember seeing that I halfway considered before dismissing. Two more casual numbers reminiscent of “pretty in pink”, probably because they were pink. Yuk.

If you knew me, you might now that I love dresses but I hate shopping. I mean, I really hate shopping. I’ll avoid shopping for clothes at almost any cost. If I can’t pick something up at Target with a quickness, then forget about it. And malls… gross.

I won’t even shop for dresses even though I really like to wear dresses. For one thing, I don’t need anymore dresses and for another, I don’t have a lot of occasions to spur some need for a new one. So this dream.. bad news man.

Awake at 3, I check my email and opened something from Josh about weight loss and hormones. It was a link to a YouTube video, a six minute clip from a joe Rogan podcast. I watched that and it was enough to wet my appetite for more info but I had no desire to search for more just then.

Instead I picked one of the next things in the suggested YouTube list, a Ted talk about how to live a happier life with a more uncluttered mind. The speakers secret? Not giving a fuck. Really. That was her whole talk.. a lesson about how not to give a fuck. And how to politely say no when you don’t want to spend your time or money or energy on something.

I’m all like “no shit”. I could’ve given that talk, especially since I’ve been self taught (even if it seems like I’m not so good at times remembering what I learned on my time off last year). ReLly I think she was just looking for an excuse to say the word “fuck” a lot in front of an audience. I couldn’t finish the vid and moved on to something more interesting. A Ted talk about sex.

(Which makes me wonder what the algorithm is for showing you suggested videos). I mean seriously.. why were those the top suggestions after the Joe Rogan fat thing? Hmmmm. 🤔

The “sex talk” also didn’t tell me anything I don’t already know. I could see sinking hours into interesting videos on the Tubes, but my attention span can’t handle wading though stuff I don’t find valuable or interesting. So I was done. I went back to sleep and that was a success (for a while anyway).

Enter stage left bad dream number 2. This time I’m going to some conference with some co-workers at a remote location. It started in the hotel room with my trying to get ready to go but not finding the things (mainly clothes) I was looking for. Sounds familiar right?!

Fast forward to me with two other people getting out of an elevator and since I don’t know where to go so I follow them. We get to the first little alcove/booth and these people I was following weren’t there. Poof! So there I was at some big convention center with hallways and rooms and audutoriums with no clue where I was supposed to be. And the clock was ticking.

Breakfast buffet from 8 to 8:30 and then the first speaker promptly at 8:30 and attendance is mandatory. It was 8:15 and all could think about was that I was going to miss the opportunity for food (priorities). Ask me how I knew it was 8:15 and I’ll tell you I swear I saw it on the Fitbit on my wrist.

Someone once told me you can’t read words or numbers in a dream. I’ve never been able to confirm or deny this claim, but I suspect it isn’t true. “Horseshit” I say.

That’s me employing profanity to garner continued interest like that lady who said fuck a lot in that Ted talk. Ha!

Anyway, when that dream finally woke me up I was over and done trying to sleep with all this havoc wrecking my dreams. It was 6am and the sun wasn’t up yet. I got up and got dressed and went to Wal-Mart to pick up a few household things I’d been putting off getting in the daylight. Wal-Mart is actually not that bad at 6am.

Now I’m just finishing up my morning cardio and I’m already fucking tired (and hungry). Damn.

Thanks Universe,

~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-03-13 Fire 🔥 and Ice ❄️

I said upfront that it is what it is. Organic is a nice way to say unprocessed and unfiltered. That means that sometimes you get unfiltered awesomeness and sometimes it’s just rotten. Today I have a rant about my ex (husband) and if I remember before I’m done writing, I also want to contemplate a dream I had and what it might mean.

First, the ex. This guy! Flame 🔥 on!!

This guy who never cared about being a partner in parenting when our kids were small. This guy who was so career driven “for us” but found time to go out and drink and screw around when he was in town, yet didn’t have time to change a lightbulb or drive his kids to swim class.

This guy who was perpetually stuck in his 20s and wanted what he wanted and didn’t care until well after our divorce.

Having 30% responsibility for the kids when we separated was eye opening to him. He slowly realized how difficult things can be and also what rewards were also possible. Now he cherishes his children and they are his world, but that took a long time.

I remember the first time he texted that he was up all night with Z who was sick. I was all like “how is she now?” (And welcome to the real world, no shit it’s hard).

I went through years getting letters from the school about how my children were habitually tardy and he always said that it wasn’t him. He was always the master of convincing himself he was never to blame. I’m the data nerd, so I had the calendar with the schedule and crosschecked that with the detail reports I requested from the school. Surprise surprise, the kids were late on his mornings. I knew that already because I was rarely late.

Then we went through a phase where his vehicle wouldn’t start in the mornings. Despite it being at least 8 years newer than mine AND the same kind of car (Ford Escape), he would text and say “my car won’t start, can you take the kids?”. What was I supposed to do, say no?

He always made excuses.. and each time that was a reminder to me why were not married anymore. Over time (8 years this week actually), he’s gotten better, and now he has a job again and a girlfriend and takes more responsibility for things.

Every once in a while, though, I still get those reminders. This week Is his daughter’s Sweet 16 party which is a big deal to her, and I’m taking care of ALL of it, including hosting at my house and paying for everything. The only thing I physically can’t do is get 8 people to the escape room event and back. I asked for his help with carpool over two weeks ago and then confirmed again last week.

Then yesterday Z and I were picking something up at his house I’m the middle of the day, and he saunters out in his pajamas and comes up to my car window to say hi.

“I took the day off because I hate my job” he says. I conceal my eye roll by briefly looking down and then just smile and nod. I proceed to confirm the carpool again (because this is necessary) and I’m glad I did because he proceeds to tell me he can’t because he has a job interview IN DENVER. WTF??!

I’m really low on good alternatives. I’m not friends with the other parents and it’s short notice to take Work off early anyway. My sister is out of town and my other sister doesn’t have a car and I’ve got no friends close to this area of town. My parents aren’t close enough for it to be reasonable, but that’s my next best option.

He asked about Uber and I replied, “sure, I’m sure my dumping 3 teenage girls in a car with a complete stranger is going to go over really well… no!”.

This morning I requested he ask his girlfriend to help. She’s lived with him un officially for a while now and officially for the past several months. I think it’s not a stretch to ask. I forced his hand on it and she said yes, so now it’s all worked out. I’m still left feeling a little “WTF” though. Seriously.

There is so much more I could rant about, but perhaps that’s enough for now. I gotta turn down that flame so I can get to more important things, like how I almost died in a dream. It left me with icy chills. ❄️ I say “Almost” because when it happened, I woke up instantly!!

This was the night before last but you don’t experience something like that and forget it easily. I was with a few people at an event and the only one I remember was my step sister, Julie. We were looking up watching some event on tvs. There were multiple side by side screens like they have at the gym or at a sports bar mounted above where we were standing.

The screen on the right was showing some party outdoors with mountains covered in snow on the background. I had interest in this because I had family there too, or so I felt in my dream. It was too small to know for certain but I just felt it.

The scene didn’t last long. All at once you could see in the distance on the TV that there was an avalanche of snow coming down the mountain. At first it was small, and then in an instant it became massive and a spit second later, it overtook that party and I barely had time to consider the fact that my family was all crushed under that snow before a giant white mass came down upon us and where we were. Another instant later I woke with the fear of death in me. I was at that event and buried under an avalanche of snow and debris. I was terrified and it truly took me a few seconds to recognize it was a dream and I was fine. I didn’t really go back to sleep after that.

Like I said, that was yesterday but it’s still lingering in my brain. It happened so fast and what I just described is all I remember. I wonder what that could all mean?

No matter, time to get back to reality now and the party happening in a few hours here in Sunny Nebraska where there are no snow filled mountains! 😉

Flame 🔥 Off,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-20 Dreams and Unresolved Feelings

Welcome to Saturday. In truth, it’s a day for me like any other. It’s gym time first followed by a writing workshop downtown and then I’m going to try and get a little more time in on a work document. My life is so exciting.

One thing good that comes from such a boring existence is a decent amount of sleep. I woke up this morning just after 5 and was able to go back to sleep for a few more hours of dreaming. And dream I did.

Last night the maker of dreams brought me incomprehensible insight into my relationship with both Josh and Simon. I don’t remember anything about the one with Josh and that one was probably inspired by the fact we hung out for a few hours at his house last night. That’s something I have not done for months and months.

We were planning to take a closer look at some self authoring, eye opening, life changing program he found online. Once I actually read the content in their landing page, I pretty much decided I wasn’t interested. Instead I helped him with a sewing machine and a little project to mend a few articles of clothing and then just talked.

With him it’s always the same story, only the days and weeks and years change. It’s not my story to tell so I’ll just drop it there.

The last dream I had before I woke up was about Simon. It was also really incoherent but the overarching “feeling” I had during the dream which lingered a bit after I woke up was that “I” was not good enough. It was just a feeling, but sort of sums up how that whole relationship made me feel.

Most things I did were inadequate. Some were indirectly stated through my interpretation of his words and actions and some were just flat out explicit.

I don’t have an issue with self esteem and I try and approach things with an open mind that there could be a better way of doing something. I’m not above trying new things and truly believe that’s the best way to be in order to learn and grow. So I was welcoming of the indirect criticism and even direct suggestions about certain things. However, feeling constantly inadequate was the result and that’s rotten.

Frankly, after some evaluation, some of the things I’m talking about were, in fact, not better. There might be a “proper” way to set a table and use a knife to cut with the right hand and eat with a fork in the left, but that’s just absurd. I don’t live in Buckingham Fuking Palace. I live in Nebraska and I’m an American who eats with a fork in my right hand. I’m sure that his ‘way’ comes from his British upbringing, but that doesn’t mean it’s better.

That’s just one example, but it’s a pretty good one. There were issues with my cooking and how he’s just superior but in truth, there are only like four things he made regularly and one of them was an omlet. Flipping an omlet in the pan does not equate to being a master chef and in my opinion, anyone who does not put cheese on a cheeseburger is just daft. Food is very subjective but there was a specific instance where I was made to feel bad about breaking a yolk when cracking an egg for fried eggs. For real!

Not only that but he went so far as to eat that one to “show” me how ok he was with it and patted himself openly on the back for that gesture. Yes.. for real!!

His habit of giving himself credit for these sort of things was just putting an exclamation point on both his self-centered nature and his general attitude that he was better than most.

At one point he said that he was proud of himself for being sensitive to my feelings. How on earth is THAT something to be proud of. You’re dating a girl and you feel the need to point out that you acknowledge the she has feelings? And this was after a conversation that left me tearie-eyed. So he made me cry AND THEN went on to say how wonderful he was to have recognized the effect that conversation had in me. Dude.. if you didn’t, you probably aren’t human. That’s nothing to be proud of. And even if you are pleased with yourself, maybe you should just keep it to yourself.

Several weeks back, before our breakup that wasn’t a breakup, I wrote about the fact that I wasn’t going to go into any detail about all his faults. Well.. that’s out the window now!! 😜

There’s more, but I’m going to try and keep it to myself. I guess I just haven’t achieved appropriate closure on that little experiment.

He’s supposed to come over to my place tomorrow to help patch a hole in my wall where the old thermostat and humidifier control panels were pried out. I only agreed to this because he owes me one and I don’t want to pay someone to do it. After that, I’m just going to let it all fade to nothing naturally.

Hopefully writing the unwritten will release me from feeling unresolved about all of it and my dreams will get the hint and just leave him out of the picture from now on.

Moving On,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-01-05 MFA Residency Day 7 – Giving Oneself Permission

I had a deep desire to stay in bed this morning after I first woke at 5AM and as I lay there with my thoughts, I miraculously fell back asleep. And I dreamt.

I didn’t realize I was dreaming until I came to the point in the dream which I recognize now as a reoccurring theme in a lot of my dreams. I’ve probably mentioned this before, but I don’t have the time now to go look up the facts. We learned in lecture this week never to stop writing what you are writing to go verify facts or choose a characters name or some other thing because you will get sucked into the internet of things (or in my case, the journal history of things) and you will lose what it is you were writing.

When you come back to it, if you come back to it, it will be altogether different and colored by what you have just discovered. So I won’t look up if I’ve talked about my recurring dream theme, where I’m in some sort of vehicle, usually a car, and driving on a path not of my choosing with undertones of danger that I sometimes can’t put my finger on until it’s too late. I’ll just say that’s where I found myself between 5:30 and 7AM.

This time, I was with Lori Long Legs, who I’ve been in contact with recently but before that, not for years. It’s still strange that she showed up in my dream, with her grown children, since our interactions have been so brief. I helped her start the car. I think I was in the front seat at first, but once the car was started (and she was driving from the front seat passenger side), I was suddenly in the back seat and she was driving and her son was in the front seat drivers side.

I think the position of the people in the dream has some significance, because everything MUST have some significance or it has no purpose. That’s another thing I have been told this week. They were talking about literature and fiction and creative non-fiction, of course, so it probably doesn’t apply to dreams. But I’d like to think that it does.

It feels nice to be able to give yourself permission to do things you don’t normally do. I gave myself permission to stay in bed and be at peace with that and not get up right away or worry about stepping or getting to breakfast on time or doing that thing I was asked to do with the video software.

I got recruited to help edit video for the DVDs they burn folks of all the lectures and readings. I was trained on how to do it last night and then I thoughtfully told the gal I would do it in the morning because I was in no shape to do anything after 9PM. That’s what happens when you wake up before 5AM. By 9PM, you are completely spent.

I did make it down to the lecture room where they have the video camera that records all the lectures and the computer which they use to transfer the video files, and edit them, and transport them onto an external drive to be burnt onto discs. I got recruited to help not because of my background and comfort level with computers, but because I apparently appear dependable, prompt, and kind. I suppose in the grand scheme of things, that’s what I want people to know or think about me. I’m not just a computer science nerd who is currently geeking out on AWS and building a website in the cloud where I might house, develop, and execute my master plan for taking over the world. When I do that.. it will no doubt involve poetry.

“Everyone knows poetry is the key ingredient in any plot to take over the world.”

I say it with a straight face and one might laugh, but I’m not laughing.
One might stop laughing right about the time they realize it’s true and I’ve just taken over the world. Just I don’t realize I’m dreaming right up to the point when I do.
Then it will be too late, of course.

I only have 28% battery life left in my laptop and am going to go plug in at my room. It’s also lunchtime and I want to see what is on the menu today. I did like giving myself permission this morning. I think I’ll have to try that more often.

Thoughtfully yours,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. I had to research the use of one’s self versus oneself and I’m still unclear after visiting grammars.com which one I should be using. The question is – Am I talking about the actual me or the philosophical, spiritual me? I’m actually talking about both.

2017-11-11 The Phone Call that Changed Everything

Sometimes we look back at moments in our lives and realize there was a particular occurance or decision or person that had a huge impact. Something so significant, it altered the course of our path and perhaps put us going in a new direction. Many times we don’t even realize those moments until weeks, months, or even years pass. For me there have been several and when I think about those times, it somehow seems that fate had a heavy hand in my life.

If I were writing a blog that was about my history, now would be the perfect time to tell the story of that one raccoon that dramatically altered the course of my life… in a BIG way. However, since this is mostly about what is happening in the here and now and not about what happened to me when I was 18, I’ll skip that one and go right into the phone call I had at 1:55PM today, November 11, 2017.

The call was from Jenna, at UNO. She let me know that I’ve been accepted into the MFA program. If I want a spot in the spring term, it’s mine. Wow.
The conversation lasted less than five minutes and she’s going to send me a detailed packet of information via email early next week, then “Thanks, I’ll talk to you soon” and “click”. Again.. Wow.

At the time of the call I was at Simon’s house planting spring bulbs. He wasn’t home. I paced up and down his small living and dining area and cried. Then I jumped up and down like a 8 year old and then i walked over to look out the front window and cried some more. Yup.. I guess you can add that to the list of things that will bring me to tears. A wave of emotion filled with happiness and pride and satisfaction. I did it!

Like I stated, most of those life changing events in my past seemed to be up to fate, or someone else, or just me rolling with the path of least resistance. I never had dreams and aspirations. I never had big life goals. By the time I was 33 I was 10 years deep in my career and positive that was it. I was a software analyst with a computer science degree and I was positive I’d never go back to school, because my path was set and I didn’t need it.

If there’s anything I’ve learned these past two really tough years, it’s that I deserve more and I deserve better. I deserve to dream and I have every right to pursue whatever that is, despite fate or what anyone else might think about it. It’s my life and I’m calling the shots.

I’ve been writing my entire life. My poetry is a huge part of who I am.  It’s a part of my soul and my process. This choice, this path is what is the right thing for me. It’s what I want and what I need and starting something new might be scary and there are still obstacles in my path, but I have confidence in myself and my abilities and I’ll be able to make it work.

People are going to ask me why.

My only response right now “why not?!!”

Last December I had a casual conversation with the spouse of a colleague at the company Christmas party. That interaction planted a tiny seed which sprouted when I was working out on an elliptical machine in a shitty airport hotel in Portland Oregon. I had an epiphany about my life.

That idea grew over the next few months while I was living a work-free life of leisure. On 9/26 I had a moment of complete clarity and that is when I made the decision to apply for the MFA program. There’s no way I could deny the power of the force inside me pointing the way.

Ok.. so maybe today’s phone call wasn’t the thing that changed everything, but the fact that it happened and the way I felt about it is pure validation. I’m really doing this. Wow wow!!

Overjoyed,
~Miss SugarCookie

PS. This is the poem I included with the two page “Statement of Purpose” that was required by the application…

Why I Write

I write because the very essence of my soul demands it.
Hearts are weak, soft, and are hurt easy.
They bleed, and then cease to exist.
The soul is liquid forever
Moving at its own pace through existence.
Mingling with others, and then splitting apart
Tirelessly spilling into new territory.
Fearlessly cutting the terrain beneath it into cracks,
Caverns,
And yes, even canyons.
The fluidity of it is perfection.
And there’s no need to lead the way, it knows.
So denying it what it demands is folly.
My heart feels and seeks after inspiration.
But words are the implements of my souls grand design.

2017-09-17 Austin Day 4: Sunday Wake Up

I woke up at 6AM at the conclusion of a dream I was having about a situation of injustice surrounding a child who did not have a voice of their own to defend what was happening to them. I had been trying tirelessly for hours to plead with the people around him or her to open their eyes and see the truth and to change something about what was happening.

As with most dreams, it was all very vague. Some child, some people, some situation, but no specifics for me to latch onto. It was just a strong frustrating feeling inside that I could lobby and lobby and just be dismissed by the powers that be. In the end, I conceded. I looked sympathetically at the child and allowed my heart to trust that it would all be OK and to let go of my need to fix whatever it was. The emotion I had was one of peace and also relief.

That kind of faith is very hard to come by, but when you achieve it, it can be very powerful. This was just a dream, but the emotions are real and the fact that when I woke it lingered long enough in my brain for me to feel the significance of it must mean something. I can take it for what it was or I can try and think of a deeper meaning as it applies to my life. Either way, it’s already fading away and will be lost in the commotion of the waking world as I rise and begin my day.

Yesterday was another full and fulfilling day indeed. Last night myself and Rebecca and one of her good friends took an Uber to a winery that is next door to an italian restaurant and had a lovely evening. I think the name of the winery was Duchman and I’ve been there once before with Jeremy and Rebecca.

We did a wine tasting first, which is about the right amount of wine for me, and just talked about whatever topics came up. Some were stories of the past and some were things that are happening right now in our lives. This is probably the third or fourth time I’ve chatted with her friend so between the three of us, it was very easy.

After the tasting, we all ordered a glass of our favorite and sat outside on picnic tables as the sun went down. It was a beautiful evening. Not too hot and there was a cool breeze and something about looking out across a field of grapes from under the shade of a big gnarly tree somehow made me feel like I was in Italy even though I have never been. I would like to go someday.

From there we went inside the restaurant and continued our conversations and proceeded to have the best meal. I had three options in mind for my entire and the waiter was not wrong about the choice he helped me settle on. I had the pork chop with the roasted Brussels sprouts and it was so delicious. If I was rating it the way I always rate my cheeseburgers, it would be 4.5, about as high as they get. At times like those, my only regret is that I can’t eat more to enjoy more. I kind of feel that way about my trips here sometimes. They are so short and sweet. I have to enjoy every minute because I know it goes fast.

After dinner we got an Uber back home and I’m not ashamed to be with a crew of ladies that are done with a Saturday evening out by 9. We did sit around the kitchen island talking a bit longer, but I was probably in bed by 10:30. The evening was good, the day was good, and this whole trip has been good.

Today is Sunday and later this afternoon I am traveling back home. It’s been shorter than usual trip but satisfying in so many ways. I may have one more Austin post in me yet, but for now, I’m just going to try and enjoy the time I have left.

Just a Few Bites Left,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-24 Tired Thursday

I had enough sleep, but I still feel tired. We had guests over to the house for dinner last night and then the kids played until about 9:30. I think sometimes stuff like that wears me out.

I’m not really keeping track but I think this is about the 5th or 6th time I’ve had some sort of meet up with this person and most of the time his daughter has also been present. There was the first bike ride with the three of us, the beach/dinner/movie day, the first meet up at my place with Z and C, and now last night which was sort of a repeat at her (his daughter’s) request. It’s all been pretty good but I’m still so on the fence about how I feel about it.

On one hand, I really like him, and her as well. He’s intelligent, good looking, fit, and seems to be pretty well rounded. His daughter is charming, has endless amounts of energy, and seems very thoughtful and sweet. It makes sense that they are spending as much time as they can together while she is here for the summer. Her mom lives in another state and when school starts he has to take her back there.

On the other hand, I’m really just lost as to how he feels about me. Our conversations have been great, the interaction with everyone has been as good as it can be, but at the end of the day, I am still left sort of wondering and due to my current insecurities and lack of confidence in the dating department any fuzziness is being interpreted negatively. I’m in a spot where it is tough for me to feel encouraged with so little feedback.

We have seen each other multiple times in the past few weeks but I question how much of that is because he wanted to and how much is for his daughters benefit. I’ve also initiated a lot of the interaction and as history has taught me, that’s not in my favor. The most I have received in the way of physical contact has been hugs hello or goodbye and there has not even been an attempt at a good-night kiss even though there have been several opportunities. My brain lingers on that one… probably too much.

If I am being perfectly honest, which is the point here you know, I actually dreamt about it last night. I rarely have dreams with people I know and I daresay I have never had a dream about someone that I really only just met. So it’s definitely a thing my mind is trying to puzzle out. Actually the dream had both him and his daughter (and Z) in it. Then later in the dream it was just him and I. I don’t put a lot of stock into what transpires in dreams, but I do tend to attach some problem that needs to be solved in the waking world. I also remember the dream, even now which is two hours after I’ve been awake. That also rarely happens.

The kids and I went through our normal morning routine and I sort of zombied my way through it. Waking up, getting breakfast going, making lunches, signing papers, and then the drive to school. That is where they are now and I am back home. I have quite a list of stuff to accomplish before Friday but no motivation whatsoever right now.

At the present moment, I’ve climbed back in my bed and have such a desire to go back to sleep. I’d like to get back to dreamland. I’d like to get just another hour or so of sleep and I’d like to wake feeling more refreshed so I can take on SOMETHING from my list. I’ll have to get up to draw the curtains closed to minimize the light if I am really going to try..

I think sometimes I loose sight of the fact that part of what I am trying to accomplish with this time off is just doing whatever I want and not worrying about everything so much. I don’t want to get to the end of my time and say “I should have slept in more”. No time like the present to remedy that. It’s the perfect morning for it.

On that note, audios for now.
Back to Dreamland,
~Miss SugarCookie