2017-08-12 Looking Forward

It’s good to have a plan. It’s good to have things to look forward to. An event or a meet up or a vacation in the future that you can think about and be excited about. I’m a planner by nature and I love having things to look forward to. That’s probably why I am always planning to meet people for lunches or daydreaming and scheming about my next road trip or vacation. From the moment Hawaii was a done deal, it has been a topic of discussion with people and a wonderful thing to be excited about. That happens in November and I bought those tickets last spring, so I will have enjoyed looking forward to that for like 6 months.

One thing that was great about my job was that it paid enough to support my travel habit. There are so many places I want to see and so many things that I want to do that as soon as I get back from one, I’m almost immediately thinking about what is next. The downside to the job thing is, well, only three weeks of paid vacation a year. Bummer. I’m also a fan of the long weekend, you know take a Friday and maybe even Monday too and take off for a road trip. I think my PTO balance at work was often hovering around zero. Whatever job I elect to have next, I would like more time off. Four weeks is not unheard of but five would be the bomb. That’s probably stretching it some.

I originally planned to take three months off of work. Well, three months where I was just going to get some serious R and R and not think about work at all and then potentially another three months looking for the “right” job. For the most part being off work has been great, but now that I am almost halfway through my first three and about a month past my big Pacific Northwest adventure, I am really starting to want to plan some more things with the time I have left.

I’m supposed to do a quick trip with my friend Denise to Beatrice to witness the Solar Eclipse on the 21st, but that will likely be a one day trip. The one day trip I took to that crappy water park in Grand Island was more of a spur of the moment thing and not super awesome. I need something more substantial. Yesterday I had texts with both my friend Rebecca in Austin and my Mom about potential trips.

It looks like we (my mom, the kids, and I) will be going to visit my brother in Colorado in October over the four day Columbus day weekend. That’s so far away still. I may be going to Austin mid September too. That will probably be decided here in the next couple of days. Rebecca also wants to plan a girls trip sometime in October or November so that will likely be awesome too. Then we are leading right into that first week of November when I will be on the island of Maui. So that’s all very excellent.

I’ve also been thinking I would like to get back to the Badlands this year. I love that place so much. That is one of the benefits of being in a relationship .. you have someone to experience things with. I don’t much mind traveling solo, but when you get to where you are going, eating all your meals and seeing cool things by yourself is just not the same. You see the most amazing sunrise and you look to your left and your right and don’t have anyone to say “wow, how cool is that” to. That’s a bummer. Still, it would be nice to get back there before my time runs out.

For the next few weeks I need to focus on getting the kids back to school and potentially doing a little soul searching about my future. That’s another kind of “looking forward” that I’ve intended for this time in my life. I should capitalize on that opportunity while I’m at home and waking up each and every wonderful day with the luxury of doing whatever it is I feel like.

I guess it’s time to do that now. I wonder what this day will bring.

Always Looking,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-07-31 Surfing the Surface

I’m waking up on this last day of July that just happens to be a Monday and thinking about all sorts of things. I’m thinking about new people I have met, and all my commitments stacking up already this week, and the fact that the kids go back to their dad’s house today and what else I might do with my week. I am feeling very much like I did that one day last week when I was having a hard time focusing in on any one thing too deeply. I’m existing on the surface.

I’m amazed at how it really has taken no time at all to get used to not working. My day’s seem just as packed as ever and mysteriously I don’t feel like I am getting much more accomplished than before. I’m most certainly in a better frame of mind, but the productivity has not gone up a ton. I’m going to blame that square on the Bumble and the addition of dating back into my life.

As of about a week ago, I was 7 or 8 weeks into it and though I was getting some good feels from some of the interactions, it felt very fabricated and shallow. I don’t mean to say the people I was meeting were shallow, because I am sure most have depth in their world, but chatting and even meeting seemed very much like going through the necessary motions to an unforeseen end. I had not determined what I was looking for or wanted, so I was just very much floating on the surface looking to connect with someone else who was also just floating.

After date number 5 or 6 is when I decided the app and the whole concept was not for me. I wrote about going on a date and just feeling terrible after because I did not feel like myself and I did not feel a connection with this perfectly fine human being. No spark. I concluded that night that I would let the rest of the conversations fizzle out and only meet someone if they requested it. I’ve been on two more first dates since then and now a couple of second dates.

One guy was not really my type at all and only in Omaha temporarily and also revealed to be a smoker (at the end of the date). Part of what I am doing is eliminating things I don’t want from the equation and this person seemed to bring a lot of that together. So if there is a positive thing to be had from a “bad” date, it’s that something else about ones self is revealed. If I were to decide to continue to try and find someone with this online approach, I would definitely ask a few more questions first.

The two other people just happen to be the subject of yesterday’s “Untraveled Roads” post. I do feel like the universe is playing some sort of prank on me. First, I’m not really finding much of anything at all and about ready to throw my hands up and say forget it. Then I meet two people who both seem to have interest in me and are themselves very interesting. Two people I’m attracted to. Two people who I would like to get to know better. Two?!

And still I ask myself.. Is either one of them who I am looking for? How could I know if I don’t spend some more dedicated time to find out? Would I/Should I know right away? Is the fact that I want to see both of them again revealing? Can I/Should I continue to see both of them at the same time. It is very contrary to my nature to begin to do a deeper dive into anything if my attention is divided. Which is complicated, because my attention is already divided by the rest of my life and my responsibilities. I don’t live in a bubble, nobody does,

Then, as the futuristic and strategic thinking sort, I can’t help but start to imagine what the future would be like with either of these two people. The truth at this point is that I have not collected enough data to know the answer. How can I have after only a few dates. How can I possibly get deeper with these people without putting my head under the water? Without risking, something? And what is it that I think I am risking? My time? Their feelings? My feelings? I’ve come away now with more questions than answers and am dwelling on this instead of what I probably should be doing which is figuring out what to do with my day.

It’s going to be a beautiful day out and I need to figure out how best to enjoy it. I’ve got lots of work in the garden to do so perhaps I should focus on that and not try and puzzle out what to do about this dating nonsense. We will see how that goes.

Happy Monday,
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. Happy Anniversary to my parents who would have been, if they were still together, married for 52 years. Nobody else may give a damn, but as a product of that relationship, it still matters to me. 😃

2017-06-02 T-Minus 3 Weeks

In three short weeks, I will be done working. In three short weeks I will be waking up on a Friday, for the longest weekend of my life. In three weeks, I’m gonna have to figure out what to do with my time. That’s both awesome and scary at the same time.

People have asked me if I am going to travel. “Of course”, I say “It is what I do”. Where to, I am not sure.

People have asked me what my plans are and I just brush it off and say that I will figure it out. People have said not to waste the time, to do something meaningful. Other people have said not to worry about it and just relax and enjoy not having to do anything. The truth is, I’m not sure how this will play out.

I have a few short term things, and of course, I’m always mindful of being healthy and exercising and eating well. I’ll probably put more energy into that and more of a focus on doing some activities with the kids while they are out of school. Beyond that, I just don’t know.

I guess I am still in the groove of trying to finish things out right and my mind is not yet transitioning into “summer” mode. I’m also still living day by day, doing things in “just in time” mode, and until I truly have those extra 40 hours a week, that will probably continue.

In any case, it’s time to get up now and start my daily Friday grind. I’ve got lots of work, lunch with my Mom, Jazzercise, and then meeting a co-worker tonight to share a bottle of wine. It should be a good day.

Counting Down the Days,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-23 Looking Ahead

A week ago I was heading back from Austin and super pumped about the future, and today I just feel very blah. I decided to ask for sabbatical instead of just quitting and have heard nothing on that. I don’t know what I expected to hear and how soon, but waiting is not my cup of tea. I give it until Thursday when I am back in the office. One week should have been plenty of time for them to figure out what they can and can’t do with my request.

A week ago I was heading back from Austin and determined to cut ties with Matt and let him know I did not want to see him. I did that, via email, but my heart is hurting still and I still want to see him. We exchanged emails and that’s made me feel even worse and it’s like it does not matter at all that I declared we should not meet and talk. I’m checking my email in-box in hopes that there will be something else and I can’t help it. I know the best thing would be no contact, but nothing is ever easy.

A week ago I was heading back from Austin and felt happy and energized and there was a spring in my step. I was relaxed and refreshed and ready to face the world again, but one week back in my normal day-to-day routine and I’m waking up feeling tired, unmotivated, and defeated. It is truly time for those changes. I need to take my life back. I need to be able to look to the future with positivity and excitement. I need to make plans to do the things I love and I need to do them. Why am I waiting?

I think the rest of this week should be dedicated to getting the rest of my garden in order. I’ve still got herbs and flowers I want to plant and a few more veggies too. Things I was not able to find the first time around. I should start by making a list so that I can be as efficient as possible and not waste time running to stores to find what I need. Yes, I think that should be the plan for this week and then I will also start looking ahead to next week and the week after that.

The kids will be out of school soon and we will want to go to the pool and and to go on road trips and to make the most out of the Summer. I need to start planning for those things and hopefully that will be the spark I need to get out of feeling the way I feel about today.

To the Future,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-22 In a Galaxy Far, Far Away

Sometimes you see someone you have not seen in a really long time and they have their kid with them and the last time you saw them he or she was just a baby. You realize when you look this snarky teenager up and down that 15 years have gone by. How could that be?

Sometimes I don’t stop and think about the passage of time unless this happens or there is a certain date on the calendar that reminds me of something that happened long ago. Today was one of those days.

This day in history was the day I got married. It was a long, long, time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. I was 19 years old and had no idea what being an adult was all about, let alone making a commitment that was supposed to last a lifetime. I wasn’t brought up with good ole’ church values to know what it meant when I made vows before God and all those witnesses that I would love and obey my husband until death due us part. I certainly did not understand what for better or worse meant. When you are a middle-class nineteen the worst think you can think of is not having a car to go where you want or not getting to stay out past curfew. So how was I to know?

Anyway, that really does feel like a galaxy away now. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and when I come across a wedding photo, I can’t believe my parents even let me get married or encouraged it. If my daughter told me she was getting married anytime before she was 25, I would sit her down and have a long serious talk with her.

Today I was in the office, sort of waiting for something other than nothing to happen. I was just going about my business and suddenly this complete sadness crept into my world. On top of all the things I am dealing with now, work and Matt and Josh. On top of my “any minute now” monthly cycle starting. On top of my perpetual tired feeling, I have this. Sing it with me as I limbo.. “How low can you go”?

I’m back home and any minute now, Josh is going to pick me up and take me for a coffee. I told him it wasn’t a good idea because I was in a really low place. I told him I wasn’t going to be good company. He’s coming over anyhow.

It’s raining out now, just like it did on my wedding day. As I stare out the window of my office and the drops of rain come in and out of focus on the glass, I wonder if I will ever get married again. I wonder if the sun will shine on my face as I smile up at the person I was destined to be with. I wonder how he will propose and if it will be as magical as I have dreamed. I wonder if that moment will cause all the memories of the moments that came before to shift and fade. I wonder if I will ever remember this moment in time after that one has happened.

I can’t see out into the future but I sure hope those kinds of moments are yet to come. Right now, it’s tough to even consider that a possibility. Perhaps in some other distant place and time in yet another galaxy far, far away.

Another Day in the Life,
~Miss SugarCookie