2018-02-28 Part 2

Part 2 of what exactly?

Part 2 of that Qdoba I had for dinner yesterday? Yes
Part 2 of that bottle of wine I opened a couple of days ago? Yes
Part 2 of that Taylor Swift marathon I started a few weeks ago? Yes
Part 2 of that blog post I started a hundred times now about my relationship status? Yeah, that too. 🙄

There is this Violent Femmes song that is one of my very favorites from way back. It’s called “Outside the Palace”, and in it the main question is how is one to tell the difference between the moonlight and the dawn. I feel this way about … feelings.

How do you know if something is real? How can you tell if you are in love or just in love with the idea of being in love. Is the current infatuation just a crush because the fantasy in your head is something that meets your expectation and real life has just fallen so far short? I have to be very careful because the fantasies in my head are sometimes very convincing. It is almost as if my brain knows itself so well that it is using logic and reason to force me to come to some conclusion that suits my particular need. Then I buy into the fantasy. Then at some future point I am forced to face reality.

On one side we have the fantasy that is the moonlight. A faint light shining around you that feels so much like it could be the sunrise, you believe it. You are convinced that as you stand there, “Outside the Palace”, you are on the verge of a new day. The sun is coming up and you are waiting, so willing, so wanting for all the wonderful things a new day will bring.

You believe it. You wait. You have patience. You keep looking for signs of brighter light. You are waiting for the colors on the flowers around you to pop. You are waiting for the warmth of the sun to cover everything. But it doesn’t, and then you realize that it was really just the light of the moon all along.

So how is one to EVER know the difference? Don’t ask me or the bottom of the bottle of this wine because neither one of us knows.

Further, how many false sunrises is one to experience before they just completely loose any faith that it’s actually a real thing? For the love of the Universe and all the Karma in it, please answer this for me so I know when to just give up already.

***

At this very moment, I am bathed in light from the heavens above and I can see it for what it is. I have no delusions that this light shining down is anything but that of a waxing moon. I’m aware, and yet still somehow swayed toward the notion that the sunrise can’t be far behind. After all, how long can one night last anyway?

I want to write a poem about this, but I don’t think I can. I’m not sure if I have the words for it. In “Part 3 – The Hangover”, all will be revealed. Tune in tomorrow for that one.

So Long, Farewell,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-02-09 The Return Of Hope

It was a day like any other. Little did I know when it began that in the end it would go down in history as the one where everything changed.

That’s pretty good right? Doesn’t it just make you want to find out what happens next? Or is it so overused and cliche and lost in a pile of 1000 other things that went on in any given day that altered the course of things? And who really cares about the possible states of being? It’s all just one parallel universe stacked up next to another.

If that thing never happened it would all be different, but how much do you dwell there after the fact? Probably not a lot. You just go on today toward tomorrow doing what you do. You live your life in the best way you know how to. I do too.

Nothing life-altering happened yesterday but perhaps today is the day.

I don’t have a crystal ball either, but I’m afflicted by hopeless romanticism. I just can’t fucking help it. You know, that’s how I was built and I can’t change that. I really haven’t wanted to.

I once had a “friends with benefits” relationship with a guy. (I can’t even say “dated” anymore because I’m eternally confused about the definition of that.) it was about 6 months long, arguably, and in the end, after he had already opted out for another girl and subsequently came back, I opted out for another guy.

He warned this other guy about me. That I was looking for poines and rainbows and a perfect sunset sky complete with a fairy tale happy-ever-after. Those are my words and not his and that’s how I remember it. But I’m not just remembering it now.. I wrote about it then and it has stayed with me for seven years.

It has been a thought lingering in the back of my brain from the moment I started seeing that other guy through the end of that relationship and right up to this very minute.

I think about how it’s spot on but not a complete picture by any stretch of the imagination. Seven years ago my written retort to his comments were “yeah, but what girl wouldn’t want those things?” I’m sure there are some who don’t but my guess is that most do at least on some level.

To round things out though, I’m not that two dimensional. I don’t just want all those warm fuzzies from something wonderful, I’m also looking for someone to walk beside me in the tough moments. Someone I can help up when they fall and someone to help me up too. Life can be so long and boring and shitty at times and I recognize that. It’s not a fairy tale. That was the inspiration for this…  “Long Talks and Sidewalks”  which is the one I have pinned to the top of my public poetry collection (and of course where I ask not to be brought cut flowers 😉).

At the end of that last relationship I wrote another one,“My Perfect Sunset Sky”. This highlights the fact that I DID expect something that was not sustainable/possible between us in the way of building that life together. I did want more and he was not capable of that kind of a commitment. I think that and the breakdown in communication between us were the two main reasons that had to end.

That conveniently allows me to put the lion’s share of the blame on him. But I’m the one writing this history book, so it’s my prerogative to draw my own conclusions and set them into words.

It’s Friday again and I don’t know what the day will bring, but I’m hopeful. The ending of that relationship temporarily stripped me of hope for the future. I remember laying drunk and alone at the top of the stairs at my house last year thinking that was it. I was destined for never finding someone for me again. I cried so hard and I screamed at the Universe for cursing me (drunk SugarCookies do that).

I struggled for several months and hit the lowest point in my life (and I’ve been through some shitty things). It took just about all of 2017 for me to regain my sense of hope. I feel like I’m back now.. and better than ever! Today could be the day where everything changes… and it’s time to go live it so I can find out. 😊

Hopelessly hopeful and loving it!
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-05 The “Hopeless” in Hopeless Romantic

Today I found myself feeling very anti-social and melancholy and consequently walking around Walnut Creek again. I arrived just about 45 minutes prior to sunset and when I began walking I paced myself so that I could enjoy the sunset from the path on east side of the lake looking west.

Most of the music that came up on shuffle tonight was not inspirational, until the very last turn when Soma by the Smashing Pumpkins came on and I thought to myself, “No more appropriate song to serenade the sunset for me tonight”. As I rounded that last corner, still walking east I kept peering behind me hoping I was not going to miss the final dip into the horizon. I didn’t. I even walked off the path toward the lake to have a seat in the grass and revel in the glory of the final minutes and seconds of the suns light as it disappeared from the sky.

I’ve always been captivated by the sunrise and sunset. I’ve always felt a certain tug from nature and a desire to make those events my number one priority in the instances the opportunities are near. I’ll drive in the wrong direction to have a better view. I will go out of my way to get to a higher vantage point or spend extra time waiting even if there is somewhere else I am supposed to be. There is just something special about witnessing the sunset. Something that just can’t compare to most things really.

It’s an acknowledgement of the cyclical nature of things and the significance and insignificance of everything we see and feel in this world. It brings about reflection about ones place in the universe and a peace that is complex and masterful. It’s a reminder of the variability of life and the cynical nature of time. The sun sets ever so slowly but is gone in the blink of an eye. As with life it is both quick and long and as long as I am able, I will continue to seek out these moments, these moments that happen every day but are also so few and far between. I want to sing to the sun “Nothing left to say; And All I’ve left to do; Is Run away from you”. It’s part of the nature of me. Some sort of hopeless romantic.

But what does the hopeless in hopeless romantic really mean? The very terminology is quite ironic as someone who is blessed or cursed with this affliction as I am knows, “hopeless” really means bound forever to hope. Hopeless in the way that there is no escaping from the hope of the grand ideals of romance. The endless daydream of something that is a kin to a fairy-tale story for the loves they may have in their life. Its a grandiose escape from reality. Some notion that the one true love of ones life is a perfect match that will sweep them off their feet and that life together will be bliss.

Not only that, but that every day will be one after the next of stolen kisses and holding hands and long walks and talks by the lake at sunset. Real life persists, but love conquers all. There is nothing hopeless about any of that, save the constant flutter that can’t be satisfied in ones heart at the thought of some of these daydreams coming true.

I blame this quality in myself for my inability to make connections with people I’ve met… because I’m hoping for something more. I described the other night how I felt when I first laid eyes on Matt and how I don’t really want to settle for anything less. If I dial it back a few years before that, I had the same feeling about another person, when they put their arm around me late in the night after driving me home from a party. And going back further still, way back to the beginning of my dating days when I first began speaking to Brian and felt that spark of something more. I know what it feels like and so now I will not settle for less.

I can say I have had it genuinely only once with the new people I have met recently and I’m having a hard time separating that or distilling it down to know if what I am feeling is real, or if it is just the fact that I want so badly to feel it. Are my daydreams getting the best of me or can there possibly be something more there? I’m hopeful and therefore I am hopeless. You see how ironic that is?

So it’s 10PM now and I’ve had a glass or two of wine on this fine Saturday evening. I’d decided hours ago that I wanted to spend the evening alone with my thoughts so I could try and gain some clarity in several areas. Ironic again because clarity does not present itself easily when wine is involved. A good night sleep probably won’t either, but I have all day tomorrow to relax and recover if I don’t sleep well. Hell, I have all day tomorrow and the next and the next and the one after that if I need it. So bring on another glass and let the daydreaming continue.

Cheers,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-18 The Ledge

I’m standing on it. I’ve been inching closer and closer in the past few weeks and now I am peering down into the abyss. But I’m no longer scared. I think I’ve had trepidation and fear and somehow in the last week, I have gained the clarity I’ve needed to overcome those feelings and really believe that it’s all going to be all-right, no matter what happens next.

Interestingly, I had my mind made up about this big life decision and since being home from Austin (less than two days), and having a few conversations with some other folks I am close to, I think the right first course of action is actually more conversation. Knowing what you want and what to ask for is one thing, and an important thing, but being able to negotiate terms, to the nth degree, without fear is on a different level.

I’m not afraid of them saying no. I’m not afraid of tendering my resignation. I was prepared to do that already. The biggest question in my mind yesterday was if I should give two weeks or five. I did also think that waiting until a few other persons in management were back in the office on Monday would be best, so that kind of swayed me away from actually pulling the trigger today. There’s nothing magical about today, and Monday would be much better.

Both of the people I’ve talked to about this in the past 24 hours urged me to just talk to my manager about the current situation. I fully intend to keep it as positive as possible and really just matter of fact, because that is what he responds to. He won’t have the authority to approve any changes, especially what I’ll be asking for, so this conversation will directly lead to the one that will likely happen on Monday. That will be the big one.

So what are my terms?…

– I’d like a 3-4 month sabbatical.
– I’d like to work remotely 5 days a week unless there is a reason to be in the office.
– I’d like to have an additional week of vacation time each year.
– I’ve also considered requesting to step down as team lead.

It’s a lot, but you know what is not on that list? More money.

Anyway, today should be really interesting. I’m excited and feeling very hopeful.

Ready to Jump,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-05 Happy FriYay!

My last post was about sleep being my goal. The ones before that were about my work issues and my relationship issues. The ones before that were about sleep being my goal. I’m detecting a trend.

I was once asked why I write. My answer is simply because it is who I am. It’s my purpose and my process. In the end, the words may be there for posterity, but in the moment it is more about what I need and what helps get me through. Life can be long and boring therefore it stands to reason that blogs can be repetitive and boring and what may seem interesting at the start loses its luster after being repeated 15 times. That fact doesn’t matter to me though. I’m still going to say what I need to say. Or rather, write what I need to write.

I’ve been on the precipice of change for a while now. I’ve felt the swell of it inside of me and sometimes I let it take over my mind and lead me to the future in a daydream. Sometimes I squash it like a bug and force myself back to this reality. I find that when I open my mind to new possibilities, I feel more free and happy and hopeful. When I dial it back in, I’m left discouraged, upset, and stuck.

I think what I need for today, which promises to be a banner weather day with yard work and tennis and grilling out, is more day dreaming. I need to combat the pressures being placed upon my life with a positive attitude fueled by freedom from consequences. I’m going to enjoy myself and not worry about what I do or do not get done. I’m not going to have a Friday, I’m going to have a FriYay!

Ready for the Feels,
~Miss SugarCookie