2017-10-06 Funky Monkey Friday Cryday

I’m not terribly inspired today. I got my morning workout in and have been working on swapping out my spring and summer clothes for fall and winter. That’s only fun for a quick minute and then it’s just not. Spring and summer are my favorite seasons. Winter would probably be third with fall being last, unless we are in the middle of a stretch of negative degree days in which case, winter always falls to the bottom of the list. Snow is OK in my book, but there is something about fall that is just dreary and depressing. Even more so today because it has been raining for like four days now and everything is just soaked.

The Matchbox 20 concert was moved to an indoor venue because of the weather and though I have been listening to their tunes all week, I’m still sort of in a funk today and not super excited about it.

I was up at 4AM and did a few things and did not quickly go back to sleep and the sleep I did get was riddled with dreams. I had a dream with Matt in it and a dream with Josh in it and the dream that had Josh in it I was in a situation in which I was completely aware that Simon existed. He was not in the dream, but in my thoughts in the dream. Isn’t it super strange that I remember having thoughts in my dream? I didn’t even know you could have thoughts in a dream let alone remember them. Anyway, I did and it forced me to decide to try and remove myself from staying in the same place as Josh. If that isn’t telling then I don’t know what is.

It is perhaps the lack of good sleep that is keeping my mood subdued. I need to get motivated to do something else, but not sure what that would be on a lazy Friday afternoon. Maybe I will take a nap and see if that does not inspire me to accomplish something with the time I have left before getting ready to go out for a serious jam session with the boys in the band.

Time Will Tell,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-08-29 Don’t Question It, Just Enjoy

I’m really trying to make sense of the fact that I was in a better mood today. I should just enjoy it, but my brain is treating this like another puzzle to be solved. Why brain. Why?

All last week I was in a funky mood and if you are following along and read yesterday, I bottomed out over the weekend and was just not able to snap out of it. Yesterday the funk turned into more of an anger situation where I really had to try to keep my temper in check. Luckily, I wasn’t really around many people so I didn’t have to try that hard.

The closest I came to going-off was when I was at the gym getting some cardio in on the elliptical machine and every single one of the 6 machines that they have like the one I wanted to use had some sort of an issue. Every single one. I know there was something else about my time there that pissed me off, but it was so unimportant I can no longer remember what it was. I wanted to march up to the front desk and go-off on the person there, but I held back. The point is, I was just angry and it was largely unfounded.

I got irritated with Josh who was trying to cheer me up and I think most of my irritation came from the fact that I don’t think I wanted to be in a better mood. I wanted to be upset and nobody was going to tell me I couldn’t. Now how is that for stupid?

I ended up doing two Jazzercise classes back to back in the evening and exercise generally makes me feel better, but it didn’t. In fact, I got about 28K steps during the day and none of it made a difference on my mood.

Last night I took a Xanax to help me sleep. I really wanted to get a good night and not struggle with waking up unnecessarily. I have not been taking anything to help me sleep lately, but for some reason I felt like I might have an issue. I, of course, slept great.

Today I woke up a few times around 6 and 7 but rolled over and got more sleep and eventually woke up for good at 8. I felt good. The big difference for me between taking Xanax and other sleep aids that I have tried is that the other sleep aids tend to leave me feeling groggy in the morning, like my mind and my body want to sleep more. With the Xanax, I feel refreshed and ready to get up and get moving.

Today I decided to skip the morning cardio and did a few things around the kitchen and look up some info on the internet instead. The rest of my morning routine was about the same. Around 10, I headed outside to capitalize on the beautiful weather and get started on my edging project. Slowly but surely I am making progress on that. If things go well this week, it will be done by Sunday. I pretty much worked on that all day taking breaks for water and food.

I finished the next stage, which was laying down all the pavers and making sure I had a nice clean line from one end of the yard to the other. That was no small task because there was lots of dirt movement, and leveling, and micro adjustments. I was done around 3:15 and filthy dirty and ready for a break. As I was working though, I noticed that my mood was just so much better than yesterday. Better than the whole last week. Very curious.

I was so filthy dirty from the yard work I had to shower before Jazzercise. I normally would not shower BEFORE taking an exercise class, but I was just covered in dirt. Then I proceeded to do another back to back session of classes. Again, I continued to be in a good mood throughout. I even felt like I had more energy to kick the cardio up a notch. Though I did drop 2lbs in weights for today’s classes due to the lifting heavy bricks all day long.

When that was over, I came back home and made myself some delicious food and just sat in my quiet house all alone contemplating my day. Why was today different? Was it the Xanax and the good night sleep? Was it a better balance of activity with other things? Was it the interactions with people (or lack thereof)? Was it because I felt like I made progress on my yard? Was it the text I got from Simon making plans for tomorrow? Was it due to the fact that I ate healthier and drank more water? Was it the amount of caffeine I had? I have to admit I really don’t know. There are too many variables to try and pin it down and even if I tried to force a “reenactment”, that never works.

I’m at the end of another day now though and hoping that my brain can just let this one go. As I sit here I am trying to decide whether or not I should take another Xanax for sleep tonight. I don’t think I need it, but I didn’t need it last night either. Tomorrow is Wednesday and outside of going for a bit of a bike ride and getting some sand for my pavers, I have no plan. I’m just hoping that despite not knowing why things have taken a turn for the better, it continues and I can just enjoy it.

Hugs and Kisses,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-15 Mid Month Moodiness

The last few days have been a struggle again. My emotions at work ran high yesterday and I have about a week left and I can’t quite figure out why I was letting things get to me. I woke up at 5AM yesterday and 5AM again today and something is stuck spinning in my brain. That has to be the reason I have not been able to fall back asleep, like I have been doing so well these last few weeks. In fact, until yesterday, my sleep was nearing the 8 hour average mark.

Yesterday I was ultra focussed on a few work items and alleviated the immediate pressure by scheduling a meeting with one of our executives.. the founder of the company and the person I have historically most often been coached by these past 5 years. He was one of those folks who was really tough to face when I resigned, but now that a few weeks have passed, I’ll be able to have a conversation and keep my composure.

I want to talk to him about the future state of the company and more specifically, my area and the roadmap of my product. I’m being very possessive, but that’s what happens after five years in the driver’s seat. I’m in a very odd position with an internal struggle between holding on and letting go. I think this conversation will help me. That’s going to happen next Monday. My last Monday working for a while.

Then there’s the Matt aspect (if you can call a person an aspect). Another struggle to let go. I believe the best thing for me would be not to communicate at all, but I am compelled to. I don’t pretend to understand my own behavior. Even in the last week, I’ve teared up a couple of times thinking about “us”, and then spontaneously texted two days ago with a question. I was really just wanting to say “hi”, but came up with a reason, so it would not seem so random. I don’t know why I can’t just let go.

I went to a show with my Friend Amy last night and after we went to Lot 2 for food and drinks. We both had a kale salad and split a cheeseburger That was a place Matt and I used to go to and split a cheeseburger. It made me happy and sad at the same time. The cheeseburger was not as good as I remember.

It is mid week, mid month, and mid life and I have to figure out how to snap out of this funk. It’s 7:15AM now and I’m already tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I’m wanting to go back to sleep and now is the time I should be waking up. That’s messed up.

Back to Bed?
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. Today I am grateful for having events to look forward to in my future.

2017-03-30 Wait a Day, Things Will Change

Two days ago, by the sheer force of my own will, I turned a rotten day into a good day. At the very least, I took a negative start to the day and made something positive out it. I did that with my mind powers. Or so I thought.

Yesterday, it was a complete turnaround. There was no reason for me to have a bad day, but no matter what I did, the mood was stuck in the gutter. A little thing happened during work, and I let it affect me.. for hours. I wasn’t even at work, and I could not stop dwelling on it. I had my Jazzersize which generally puts me in a happy place, but left feeling unsatisfied. I kicked ass by getting more cardio in at the gym. I even went and had one of my tried and true favorite cheeseburgers after the gym. As I finished it and a nice slice of cherry pie, I could not help but think how blah I still felt. So maybe I don’t have the mind powers I thought I did to change the day.

That’s unfortunate.

Fortunately, it seems as though the good vibes can come and go. So if I am having a heavy day, I just need to sleep on it and tomorrow it could bounce back. Like it did today.

Lots of great energy and interactions today and things just felt like they were going to be all-right. Everything was right with the world. Things felt good and felt good.

So is it me, or is it all just circumstantial, or is it completely out of control and being dictated by the powers of the universe? I’m not sure, but if it is the universe, let me just say, “Thank you.. May I have Another?”.

I’m going to sleep now so I can wake up and see how things have changed.

Until Tomorrow,
Miss SugarCookie

2017-03-29 Yes I Can

Yesterday I woke up in a funk.

I had more than 8 hours sleep which is outside the norm for me and yet I was groggy and did not feel well rested. I was sort of crampy and a lot grumpy and just generally feeling low and dumpy from what felt like 100 days of overcast weather in a row. But I let my mind be open. I embraced the “wait and see”.

At 8AM I was working from my bed trying hard to focus and wake up by listening to some jump-jump jams.

By 10 AM I was engaged in some heads down lab interface work… finding energy from the productivity.

By Noon I had a somewhat successful call with tangible takeaways with regards to a tough work issue. Any progress is good progress.

By 2PM I had two other projects elevated to a better status in the eyes of my customers. I always get satisfaction from knowing I’m helping make things go in the right direction.

By 4PM I was on may way for some Dunkin’ feels. Breaking the “no caffeine” spell to try and help with my persistent headache.

By 6PM I was playing tennis despite the weather and really got my blood pumping. I had completely forgotten how much my legs hurt when I woke up in the morning. This is when I mentally recognized I have the power.

By 8 PM I was getting my steps in by doing cardio at the gym, sustaining my good vibes about the day by going 3K over my daily step count goal.

Twelve hours and I had completely turned my frown upside-down. I didn’t actively try, I just kept an open mind about what the day would bring and did not let my negative start bleed into the tasks before me. So if you ask me if I have the ability to change my mood by sheer force of will, I will answer, “Yes I Can”.

I have the power to choose how to feel. 86400
That Was Yesterday.. Now what about today?

Just Getting Started,
Miss SugarCookie

2017-03-28 Where’s the Bright Side?

I woke up with a slight headache this morning and it’s officially day 1 of my cycle. I don’t have to go into the office today, thank goodness. At the present moment I’m still in bed with my laptop and seriously considering just working from here until I really need to get up for some reason.

My knee is also hurting me, I think from too much cardio yesterday and the idea of more Jazzercise or elliptical or even walking sounds just dreadful right now. To make matters worse, it’s very overcast again today. I’m not sure how warm it will get, but I have a feeling I’m going to need some sort of motivation to make something out of this day.

It seems as though I have nothing nice to say, and I guess since that’s the case, I should stop saying anything at all. Perhaps putting on some upbeat tunes will turn things around as I dive into work. It is worth a shot…

Looking for the Bright Side,
Miss SugarCookie