The last few days have been a struggle again. My emotions at work ran high yesterday and I have about a week left and I can’t quite figure out why I was letting things get to me. I woke up at 5AM yesterday and 5AM again today and something is stuck spinning in my brain. That has to be the reason I have not been able to fall back asleep, like I have been doing so well these last few weeks. In fact, until yesterday, my sleep was nearing the 8 hour average mark.
Yesterday I was ultra focussed on a few work items and alleviated the immediate pressure by scheduling a meeting with one of our executives.. the founder of the company and the person I have historically most often been coached by these past 5 years. He was one of those folks who was really tough to face when I resigned, but now that a few weeks have passed, I’ll be able to have a conversation and keep my composure.
I want to talk to him about the future state of the company and more specifically, my area and the roadmap of my product. I’m being very possessive, but that’s what happens after five years in the driver’s seat. I’m in a very odd position with an internal struggle between holding on and letting go. I think this conversation will help me. That’s going to happen next Monday. My last Monday working for a while.
Then there’s the Matt aspect (if you can call a person an aspect). Another struggle to let go. I believe the best thing for me would be not to communicate at all, but I am compelled to. I don’t pretend to understand my own behavior. Even in the last week, I’ve teared up a couple of times thinking about “us”, and then spontaneously texted two days ago with a question. I was really just wanting to say “hi”, but came up with a reason, so it would not seem so random. I don’t know why I can’t just let go.
I went to a show with my Friend Amy last night and after we went to Lot 2 for food and drinks. We both had a kale salad and split a cheeseburger That was a place Matt and I used to go to and split a cheeseburger. It made me happy and sad at the same time. The cheeseburger was not as good as I remember.
It is mid week, mid month, and mid life and I have to figure out how to snap out of this funk. It’s 7:15AM now and I’m already tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I’m wanting to go back to sleep and now is the time I should be waking up. That’s messed up.
Back to Bed?
P.S. Today I am grateful for having events to look forward to in my future.
Two days ago, by the sheer force of my own will, I turned a rotten day into a good day. At the very least, I took a negative start to the day and made something positive out it. I did that with my mind powers. Or so I thought.
Yesterday, it was a complete turnaround. There was no reason for me to have a bad day, but no matter what I did, the mood was stuck in the gutter. A little thing happened during work, and I let it affect me.. for hours. I wasn’t even at work, and I could not stop dwelling on it. I had my Jazzersize which generally puts me in a happy place, but left feeling unsatisfied. I kicked ass by getting more cardio in at the gym. I even went and had one of my tried and true favorite cheeseburgers after the gym. As I finished it and a nice slice of cherry pie, I could not help but think how blah I still felt. So maybe I don’t have the mind powers I thought I did to change the day.
Fortunately, it seems as though the good vibes can come and go. So if I am having a heavy day, I just need to sleep on it and tomorrow it could bounce back. Like it did today.
Lots of great energy and interactions today and things just felt like they were going to be all-right. Everything was right with the world. Things felt good and felt good.
So is it me, or is it all just circumstantial, or is it completely out of control and being dictated by the powers of the universe? I’m not sure, but if it is the universe, let me just say, “Thank you.. May I have Another?”.
I’m going to sleep now so I can wake up and see how things have changed.
Yesterday I woke up in a funk.
I had more than 8 hours sleep which is outside the norm for me and yet I was groggy and did not feel well rested. I was sort of crampy and a lot grumpy and just generally feeling low and dumpy from what felt like 100 days of overcast weather in a row. But I let my mind be open. I embraced the “wait and see”.
At 8AM I was working from my bed trying hard to focus and wake up by listening to some jump-jump jams.
By 10 AM I was engaged in some heads down lab interface work… finding energy from the productivity.
By Noon I had a somewhat successful call with tangible takeaways with regards to a tough work issue. Any progress is good progress.
By 2PM I had two other projects elevated to a better status in the eyes of my customers. I always get satisfaction from knowing I’m helping make things go in the right direction.
By 4PM I was on may way for some Dunkin’ feels. Breaking the “no caffeine” spell to try and help with my persistent headache.
By 6PM I was playing tennis despite the weather and really got my blood pumping. I had completely forgotten how much my legs hurt when I woke up in the morning. This is when I mentally recognized I have the power.
By 8 PM I was getting my steps in by doing cardio at the gym, sustaining my good vibes about the day by going 3K over my daily step count goal.
Twelve hours and I had completely turned my frown upside-down. I didn’t actively try, I just kept an open mind about what the day would bring and did not let my negative start bleed into the tasks before me. So if you ask me if I have the ability to change my mood by sheer force of will, I will answer, “Yes I Can”.
I have the power to choose how to feel. 86400
That Was Yesterday.. Now what about today?
Just Getting Started,
I woke up with a slight headache this morning and it’s officially day 1 of my cycle. I don’t have to go into the office today, thank goodness. At the present moment I’m still in bed with my laptop and seriously considering just working from here until I really need to get up for some reason.
My knee is also hurting me, I think from too much cardio yesterday and the idea of more Jazzercise or elliptical or even walking sounds just dreadful right now. To make matters worse, it’s very overcast again today. I’m not sure how warm it will get, but I have a feeling I’m going to need some sort of motivation to make something out of this day.
It seems as though I have nothing nice to say, and I guess since that’s the case, I should stop saying anything at all. Perhaps putting on some upbeat tunes will turn things around as I dive into work. It is worth a shot…
Looking for the Bright Side,