2017-08-08 Pieces of Me

The kids have been with Brian for over a week and it is so quiet here in the house and so.. uneventful. There is a peace I can get when they are away but it comes at a price. The price is the feeling that something is missing and I’m definitely missing my missing pieces today. Our lives are defined by what we do and who we spend our time with. You can’t stop being defined by your job or extracurricular activities (unless you change what you are doing). You also can’t stop being defined by your relationships. I’m a mother and a daughter and a sister and a friend. Without my children, my life would not be the same. They can be quite trying at times, as teenagers often are, but they are mine and I am theirs.

I have a few lingering meet ups this week to keep me occupied. Two of them are today intact. I’m meeting with another former co-worker in about one hour for a coffee at Starbucks. I’m meeting up with Chris W. at coneflower this afternoon for an ice cream and a chat. Part of me just wants to hide in my house and yard all day today and part of me knows that it will be good for me to get out. The meeting with Chris came about because I saw him briefly at Archetype coffee last week when I was on a meet up with someone I met on Bumble so I did not really have time to stop and catch up. Now we will have the time.

He’s a former co-worker of Matts. That’s how I know him. Matt and I went to his wedding a few years back and now him and Casey have a baby girl, Violet. See, that’s the thing. Everyone.. literally EVERYONE we knew was making progress in their lives, moving forward, and doing the things they wanted to do. At least they were doing something. We were stuck and not doing anything. Gawd I wish I didn’t still think about it every damn day. Perhaps that was part of the reason I was so anxious to meet someone on that stupid dating app. I thought if I had someone else to occupy that space in my heart and in my mind and in my life, then that would leave no room for these lingering thoughts and feelings.

By this time last year, we had already broken up twice, I had been proposed to, and I was quickly on my way to the third. August was a terrible and frustrating month. I try to remind myself of that when my thoughts wander to all the questions of “why”. I can’t deny my relationship with Matt and how it shaped who I am today. I can’t deny what a large piece of my life he was, the fact that I once thought we had such a bright and wonderful future ahead of us. Even now, that relationship is still affecting who I am. I have not seen him in several months now and the email communications have stopped, yet I still think about it everyday. And I just have to accept that. I am trying.

I’d better get myself out of bed and get ready for my coffee meet up and do something productive with my day. 7 more days until the other pieces of me return home.

Time to Caffeine,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-01-19 Puzzle Pieces

What I’ve got to describe in order to form a complete picture of my life right now is a series of puzzle pieces. Each individual aspect of my life right now is segmented and has it’s own complexities and deserves some consideration when trying to make the complete picture make sense. It’s going to take some thought and evaluation to recognize that the edge of one piece that has this slash of red across it fits next to this other one over here that’s mostly blue, but the hint of a red dot on the right side. Maybe none of it fits together. Maybe that’s my problem. Maybe the problem is that there are just too many damn pieces. Maybe the problems are all in my head. I don’t know.

I’ve admittedly been in a deep and profound place for several cycles of the moon now and have not done a ton of writing about it since November. I was sure that my trip to Mexico would be just the thing I need to bounce back. After all, I’m just a girl with a broken heart right? Just a girl with a broken life right? No big deal because it’s just one life on a planet who’s seen billions come and go. Quite literally billions. My life is but a spec in the vastness of time and space anyway so what’s the deal being so dramatic about it??!

But being on vacation in a tropical location was not the fix I was looking for. If anything, it was more of an eye-opener. It made me face the fact that my problems are more real, and serious than I would liked to have admitted. It also forced me realize that I need to be the one to actively seek the changes required to solve my problems. No other person or event is going to make that happen.

I’ve got a high-stress job and I’m a single parent with joint custody of my children. I’m no longer in a relationship, as of 2016 with lingering loose ends that have never been tied up. I’m struggling with the other relationships in my life and I struggle with what I am doing with my life and what I should be doing. I want to be healthy and that feels like a key first step to making all the other pieces fall into place. I hope so, but again, I just don’t know.