2017-08-11 Who Am I?

Today I dug a trench in my back yard and it’s almost ready for me to start doing the brick work. I also went for a bike ride and discovered where/how the Patio trail connects with the Keystone trail, so that 4th of July mystery has been solved. After that I took a nap and then went to Jazzercise which was closely followed by a walk at the high school track. It was a very full day indeed. Most of it, I spent alone.

Spending the day alone means lots of music in my ears and lots of thinking. I came to two conclusions…

The first is that I am really sick of the music on my phone and need some sort of introduction to something new. I don’t know if that means using a new app or something or just hanging out with different people who have different tastes.

The second is that it is sometimes difficult to define ones self. Who am I? If you take away my children, my job, my friends and family, and any ties to some partner in life, what am I left with? What do I like? As a person who is historically both a people pleaser and the most easy going/amiable to any plan, I’ve always gone with the flow. I’ve always done what other people have wanted me to do. When I am left alone, as I am now,  completely alone, who am I?

Today I chose a bike ride and some other exercise. I chose to work in my yard and ignore cleaning my house. I chose to write instead of read and I chose to be outside instead of inside. So is that who I am? What else is there? If someone were to ask me if there was anything in the world I could do what would it be? I don’t think I know. Does anyone know the answer to this for themselves? Does anyone really know who they are as a person or are we defined by our jobs and relationships?

I intend to find out who I am without my job, but I don’t want to separate myself from relationships because that’s my lifeline. That’s my safety net. As much as I feel over-burdened by my responsibilities to maintain my relationships sometimes, I would simply not know what to do without them. I would be lost and at risk of falling through without a net and potentially suffering some dire consequences.

OK, true confession time. It’s 9PM on a Friday and I’m all alone and getting ready for bed. I had two glasses of wine with my dinner of leftovers and am a little bit buzzed from that (yes, two glasses and that’s it). I’m about ready to go to bed for the night and tomorrow I am going to wake up and have all the same choices I had today. Will I chose the same things or try something new? Will I connect with people or remain alone for the day? Will I hang my hat on waiting for something to happen to me or will I go out and MAKE something happen. I don’t know. I don’t think I will know until tomorrow gets here and I’m right in the middle of it.

I guess if you really want to know, you will have to click back tomorrow and find out. Oh, now how is that for suspense? Haha!

Until Tomorrow. Gnight,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-08 Pieces of Me

The kids have been with Brian for over a week and it is so quiet here in the house and so.. uneventful. There is a peace I can get when they are away but it comes at a price. The price is the feeling that something is missing and I’m definitely missing my missing pieces today. Our lives are defined by what we do and who we spend our time with. You can’t stop being defined by your job or extracurricular activities (unless you change what you are doing). You also can’t stop being defined by your relationships. I’m a mother and a daughter and a sister and a friend. Without my children, my life would not be the same. They can be quite trying at times, as teenagers often are, but they are mine and I am theirs.

I have a few lingering meet ups this week to keep me occupied. Two of them are today intact. I’m meeting with another former co-worker in about one hour for a coffee at Starbucks. I’m meeting up with Chris W. at coneflower this afternoon for an ice cream and a chat. Part of me just wants to hide in my house and yard all day today and part of me knows that it will be good for me to get out. The meeting with Chris came about because I saw him briefly at Archetype coffee last week when I was on a meet up with someone I met on Bumble so I did not really have time to stop and catch up. Now we will have the time.

He’s a former co-worker of Matts. That’s how I know him. Matt and I went to his wedding a few years back and now him and Casey have a baby girl, Violet. See, that’s the thing. Everyone.. literally EVERYONE we knew was making progress in their lives, moving forward, and doing the things they wanted to do. At least they were doing something. We were stuck and not doing anything. Gawd I wish I didn’t still think about it every damn day. Perhaps that was part of the reason I was so anxious to meet someone on that stupid dating app. I thought if I had someone else to occupy that space in my heart and in my mind and in my life, then that would leave no room for these lingering thoughts and feelings.

By this time last year, we had already broken up twice, I had been proposed to, and I was quickly on my way to the third. August was a terrible and frustrating month. I try to remind myself of that when my thoughts wander to all the questions of “why”. I can’t deny my relationship with Matt and how it shaped who I am today. I can’t deny what a large piece of my life he was, the fact that I once thought we had such a bright and wonderful future ahead of us. Even now, that relationship is still affecting who I am. I have not seen him in several months now and the email communications have stopped, yet I still think about it everyday. And I just have to accept that. I am trying.

I’d better get myself out of bed and get ready for my coffee meet up and do something productive with my day. 7 more days until the other pieces of me return home.

Time to Caffeine,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-07 GoodBye Alabama

I met with Alabama one last time today. He’s leaving for Alabama tomorrow. He’s so confident our paths with cross again. So confident he can convince me to come to come visit hime. The fact that he thinks he is going to have any time at all to spare with surgery and school and training and commitments from now into the foreseeable future amazes me. Still, he treated me to dinner at Blue and I treated him to a round of drinks at The Brickway and we had a nice time. It was good enough anyway. I felt that melancholy creeping in and tried to hide it as best as I could, but eventually just let him know what I was thinking. Even after I told him I didn’t think his plans would work out because I’m going to want someone here in Omaha, he still insisted that he will be back and will want to see me again.

It’s an untraveled road that I was not meant to travel. As I stand at the start of that road and peer down it, there are trees with large gnarled roots all up and down the path. There’s spots where the canopy is so thick, the light is not allowed in. There’s a feeling of sadness and relief that washes over me as I turn away to continue on my own, alone. We hugged goodbye and I got in my car to head home at around 8PM. I don’t expect I will ever see him again. That’s probably for the best.

In addition to that, I didn’t get much exercise today and I’m afraid I did not do very well with the eating and the drinking. I also only got around five hours of sleep so all-in-all, the week is off to a poor start. I did make progress in cleaning out my garage, so that was good, but did not even start digging out the edging from the back garden. One of my plans is to have that replaced here in the next week or so with the load of pavers I acquired last Friday. If I am going to meet with success, I’d better get a good move on it tomorrow.

I’m feeling really sleepy all of a sudden now and want to capitalize on that. I’m going to put this day in the past and begin again with tomorrow. The Sun WILL come out, tomorrow.

From Somewhere In the Middle,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-06 The Raw Truth About This Dating Thing

This IS the organic blog about my life. That means it’s just raw and real and there are no additives and preservatives and no processing or editing. It’s just me. I just need to be real about this moment in my life. For one minute can I really just be exposed and not give a shit about it? I think I can.

I’ve blogged about my dating experiences on a very guarded level. Like here are the stats about how many people I have met and what my impressions have been and what I’ve learned and how that has shaped what I think about the app I’ve been using. Yadda..yadda..yadda. I’ve left out bits and pieces here and there to protect myself from.. myself. Or rather, protect myself from some consequence I have imagined would be applied if I really just came out with all of it.

That guy that I met in the beginning of July that I really liked and had a great first date with. You might recall I named him Mr. Fireworks because we sat in his truck after meeting for a drink at the bar and watched the fireworks explode on the horizon of the Chalco recreation area as the sun went down. We had a very deep conversation that night which delved into faith and philosophy and belief and we also kissed and I felt very connected and hopeful about the possibilities. The second time we met was at my house and I slept with him and after that night he never responded to me again. That’s the raw truth about what happened with that.

I felt really shitty about it. I felt cheap and sort of used and somewhat too trusting and hopeful. I mean, what else did I expect after the snapchats that had been exchanged. I guess I thought there was something more given the conversations that we had, but apparently I was wrong about that. I can chalk that one up to naiveté and perhaps also my own desire to really just want to have something happen after so long not having anyone want me in that way. So I let that go. I did not press the issue and really did not even try to contact him after being ignored for a couple of days.

After several more weeks having text conversations and meeting several more people I really was losing interest in using the Bumble app and had several active connections but resolved not to try and start any new connections. I was just going to let if fizzle out, but did have two people who I was actively chatting with that were very interesting. Again, I wrote about this in a very generic capacity. Last weekend I wrote a bit of a “creative” blog entry about “untraveled roads”. That was sort of an extended metaphor describing the way I felt about two of the people I had met. My mind always wandering to what kind of future I might have with each. One of those people was an ex-military guy, who I will call “Alabama”, that I met for a drink downtown and, again, really had a good time with.

We had a second meet up at Walnut and went for a walk and then had a quick bite to eat before we had to part ways. He was very honest and straight forward about where he is with his life and where he was going and what his plans are for the future. I found that very refreshing. Now here is a person who has direction and purpose and not really sugar-coating the fact that his life and plans come first. Equality was one of his tattoos. It stood for equality in relationships he explains and he even sent me something via email that he wrote about that to elaborate on it further. I really liked this guy but not sure how much. He was super responsive to text and very complimentary and called me beautiful. Who doesn’t want that?

So on our third meet up we had dinner and then walked the Old Market and then went back to his place and I slept with him. It was nice. I was once again filled with hope and thoughts for the future. I don’t want my heart to be hurt again, so I was still somewhat guarded and just trying to enjoy the moments for what they were.

The week following that was the military “Wounded Warrior” games here in Omaha and he’s really heavily involved with that and was quite unavailable. He was also getting some really heavy information back about his medical conditions and being forced to make some life-changing decisions. We met for dinner once this week and he eluded to the fact that his heart condition is being considered urgent and that he’s had to schedule surgery ASAP. Likely moving to accommodate that and his plans to attend school at Alabama. Tonight I got a text that he is packing and moving this week.

Not exactly the same situation as the first guy I slept with but it’s does not change the fact that I, once again, am feeling really shitty about the outcome. I think this is the other reason I am done with this online dating garbage. This is NOT me. I am not the type of girl that goes out with people and sleeps with them on the second or third date and never sees them again. At least I don’t want to be. I want to have a romantic relationship. I want to find a long-term partner. I want someone who is responsive, who I can trust, and communicate with and am attracted to and who likes me or adores me and wants to be with me and build a life together. That is what I want. My God is that too much to ask for??!

So this afternoon I had a few girlfriends over and we shared a bottle of wine and right about the time that they left is when I was finally getting these texts back from Mr. Alabama. So I am a little tipsy and not wanting to be alone and here I am alone. All alone and thinking about how this all has unfolded and I have no-one to blame but myself. OK, so I reason with it and tell myself to just add it to the list of lessons learned and call it good because now I know more about what I am looking for, but really that is just sugar-coating it. My heart hurts and I don’t feel like I deserve this. Why is life like this. What have I done to deserve being alone and feeling this unloved and unwanted?

Why can’t I be happy without a partner? Why can’t I be satisfied with my beautiful life the way that it is? Why do I let myself feel too easily for the emotions that are inevitable with these situations? Why couldn’t I make things work with Matt? Why couldn’t I make things work with my marriage? Why is there always an imbalance in the the way people feel about each other? Why, why, why, why, Why, WHy, WHY????!!

This is the real reason why I’m not using that stupid app anymore. I quite literally don’t think I am in any shape to take on the emotional challenges that come with this constant struggle of questions without answers. I probably should be focussing on my kids and my health and my future career instead anyway. Fuck this dating garbage. What a tricky pickle I have myself in, indeed (that is caught between second and third when I can’t go forward and I can’t go back).

It’s 8PM and still light out. I’m three glasses of wine on the day now and should call it done. There was no sushi, no coffee, and no walking today so it was definitely a far cry from the “paint by numbers” Sunday that I’ve longed for for so long. Just like the rest of my life I guess.

Sayonara,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-05 The “Hopeless” in Hopeless Romantic

Today I found myself feeling very anti-social and melancholy and consequently walking around Walnut Creek again. I arrived just about 45 minutes prior to sunset and when I began walking I paced myself so that I could enjoy the sunset from the path on east side of the lake looking west.

Most of the music that came up on shuffle tonight was not inspirational, until the very last turn when Soma by the Smashing Pumpkins came on and I thought to myself, “No more appropriate song to serenade the sunset for me tonight”. As I rounded that last corner, still walking east I kept peering behind me hoping I was not going to miss the final dip into the horizon. I didn’t. I even walked off the path toward the lake to have a seat in the grass and revel in the glory of the final minutes and seconds of the suns light as it disappeared from the sky.

I’ve always been captivated by the sunrise and sunset. I’ve always felt a certain tug from nature and a desire to make those events my number one priority in the instances the opportunities are near. I’ll drive in the wrong direction to have a better view. I will go out of my way to get to a higher vantage point or spend extra time waiting even if there is somewhere else I am supposed to be. There is just something special about witnessing the sunset. Something that just can’t compare to most things really.

It’s an acknowledgement of the cyclical nature of things and the significance and insignificance of everything we see and feel in this world. It brings about reflection about ones place in the universe and a peace that is complex and masterful. It’s a reminder of the variability of life and the cynical nature of time. The sun sets ever so slowly but is gone in the blink of an eye. As with life it is both quick and long and as long as I am able, I will continue to seek out these moments, these moments that happen every day but are also so few and far between. I want to sing to the sun “Nothing left to say; And All I’ve left to do; Is Run away from you”. It’s part of the nature of me. Some sort of hopeless romantic.

But what does the hopeless in hopeless romantic really mean? The very terminology is quite ironic as someone who is blessed or cursed with this affliction as I am knows, “hopeless” really means bound forever to hope. Hopeless in the way that there is no escaping from the hope of the grand ideals of romance. The endless daydream of something that is a kin to a fairy-tale story for the loves they may have in their life. Its a grandiose escape from reality. Some notion that the one true love of ones life is a perfect match that will sweep them off their feet and that life together will be bliss.

Not only that, but that every day will be one after the next of stolen kisses and holding hands and long walks and talks by the lake at sunset. Real life persists, but love conquers all. There is nothing hopeless about any of that, save the constant flutter that can’t be satisfied in ones heart at the thought of some of these daydreams coming true.

I blame this quality in myself for my inability to make connections with people I’ve met… because I’m hoping for something more. I described the other night how I felt when I first laid eyes on Matt and how I don’t really want to settle for anything less. If I dial it back a few years before that, I had the same feeling about another person, when they put their arm around me late in the night after driving me home from a party. And going back further still, way back to the beginning of my dating days when I first began speaking to Brian and felt that spark of something more. I know what it feels like and so now I will not settle for less.

I can say I have had it genuinely only once with the new people I have met recently and I’m having a hard time separating that or distilling it down to know if what I am feeling is real, or if it is just the fact that I want so badly to feel it. Are my daydreams getting the best of me or can there possibly be something more there? I’m hopeful and therefore I am hopeless. You see how ironic that is?

So it’s 10PM now and I’ve had a glass or two of wine on this fine Saturday evening. I’d decided hours ago that I wanted to spend the evening alone with my thoughts so I could try and gain some clarity in several areas. Ironic again because clarity does not present itself easily when wine is involved. A good night sleep probably won’t either, but I have all day tomorrow to relax and recover if I don’t sleep well. Hell, I have all day tomorrow and the next and the next and the one after that if I need it. So bring on another glass and let the daydreaming continue.

Cheers,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-07-31 Surfing the Surface

I’m waking up on this last day of July that just happens to be a Monday and thinking about all sorts of things. I’m thinking about new people I have met, and all my commitments stacking up already this week, and the fact that the kids go back to their dad’s house today and what else I might do with my week. I am feeling very much like I did that one day last week when I was having a hard time focusing in on any one thing too deeply. I’m existing on the surface.

I’m amazed at how it really has taken no time at all to get used to not working. My day’s seem just as packed as ever and mysteriously I don’t feel like I am getting much more accomplished than before. I’m most certainly in a better frame of mind, but the productivity has not gone up a ton. I’m going to blame that square on the Bumble and the addition of dating back into my life.

As of about a week ago, I was 7 or 8 weeks into it and though I was getting some good feels from some of the interactions, it felt very fabricated and shallow. I don’t mean to say the people I was meeting were shallow, because I am sure most have depth in their world, but chatting and even meeting seemed very much like going through the necessary motions to an unforeseen end. I had not determined what I was looking for or wanted, so I was just very much floating on the surface looking to connect with someone else who was also just floating.

After date number 5 or 6 is when I decided the app and the whole concept was not for me. I wrote about going on a date and just feeling terrible after because I did not feel like myself and I did not feel a connection with this perfectly fine human being. No spark. I concluded that night that I would let the rest of the conversations fizzle out and only meet someone if they requested it. I’ve been on two more first dates since then and now a couple of second dates.

One guy was not really my type at all and only in Omaha temporarily and also revealed to be a smoker (at the end of the date). Part of what I am doing is eliminating things I don’t want from the equation and this person seemed to bring a lot of that together. So if there is a positive thing to be had from a “bad” date, it’s that something else about ones self is revealed. If I were to decide to continue to try and find someone with this online approach, I would definitely ask a few more questions first.

The two other people just happen to be the subject of yesterday’s “Untraveled Roads” post. I do feel like the universe is playing some sort of prank on me. First, I’m not really finding much of anything at all and about ready to throw my hands up and say forget it. Then I meet two people who both seem to have interest in me and are themselves very interesting. Two people I’m attracted to. Two people who I would like to get to know better. Two?!

And still I ask myself.. Is either one of them who I am looking for? How could I know if I don’t spend some more dedicated time to find out? Would I/Should I know right away? Is the fact that I want to see both of them again revealing? Can I/Should I continue to see both of them at the same time. It is very contrary to my nature to begin to do a deeper dive into anything if my attention is divided. Which is complicated, because my attention is already divided by the rest of my life and my responsibilities. I don’t live in a bubble, nobody does,

Then, as the futuristic and strategic thinking sort, I can’t help but start to imagine what the future would be like with either of these two people. The truth at this point is that I have not collected enough data to know the answer. How can I have after only a few dates. How can I possibly get deeper with these people without putting my head under the water? Without risking, something? And what is it that I think I am risking? My time? Their feelings? My feelings? I’ve come away now with more questions than answers and am dwelling on this instead of what I probably should be doing which is figuring out what to do with my day.

It’s going to be a beautiful day out and I need to figure out how best to enjoy it. I’ve got lots of work in the garden to do so perhaps I should focus on that and not try and puzzle out what to do about this dating nonsense. We will see how that goes.

Happy Monday,
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. Happy Anniversary to my parents who would have been, if they were still together, married for 52 years. Nobody else may give a damn, but as a product of that relationship, it still matters to me. 😃

2017-07-23 Sunday Status Update – The Bumble Edition

I stopped doing normal Sunday status updates because, well, the sleep still goes up and down, the exercise is pretty consistent, and there is nothing noteworthy about my dietary intake. I mean, how boring can one life be anyway? So today instead I’ll be reporting live from the front line of the dating war.

I would not call it a war if it felt like a pleasant rewarding experience at all. So far it has been so less than stellar.

I’ve updated my profile and pictures and bio no less than a dozen times and feel I have everything just the way I want it.

I’ve swiped left (left is thumbs down) on many, many dozens of peoples pictures. Sometimes it is because of their bio but most times it is their pictures.

I’ve also swiped right quite a bit. Perhaps up to 60 or 70. I’ve swiped so much I ran out of people to look at. Three times I have adjusted my target age range and distance to include more people and that was fun, because looking at profiles is mildly entertaining. I have since narrowed the distance because I am not really intending to date someone from Lincoln. It’s just too far.

Of those people, I have “matched” on about 40 people. That means they swiped right on me too. Hooray for my self-esteem.

With this Bumble app, once you match the girl has to initiate the conversation which means, I had to reach out and at the very least say “hi” via “text” to those people I matched on. Once you match you have like 24 hours to do that and if you don’t the match expires and you no longer have that opportunity. I’ve let about 5-10 matches expire without saying hello. Which means, I’ve initiated around 30 to 35 conversations.

My opener has been everything from a very generic “hello, how are you” to something I felt was witty based on their picture or profile. At first it kind of freaked me out saying something to a complete stranger, but then after a while I’ve learned not to take anything to seriously. As a general rule, if you are yourself and they like you, then yay for that. So I’m just being genuine.

After the conversation has been initiated, they have 24 hours to respond, and of those 30-35 people, all but about 3 or 4 responded in some way. This means that I have had back and forth text at least once with about 30 people.

I find it amazing how many people have just let the conversation drop after that initial exchange. I’m questioning what peoples motives are. I mean, why would you “get that far” and not at least ask a question or something? So strange. I’m more of the mindset that if someone texts me, I will just text them back, because there is no harm or foul in that communication. Some people have asked questions, and maybe decided they did not like my responses and that’s OK. Some people I’ve asked questions of and did not like their responses and that’s OK too. Those conversations just dried up quickly, but at least there was some reason or thought behind it.

So those are the preliminary stats. Now for the more meaningful stats…
Six first dates, one second date, and at the present moment only one person I would probably consider a relationship with.

Date 1: Sunday Sushi Lunch. Did not look like his picture and was not really my type.

Date 2: Weekday working lunch. Did not look like his picture and was not really my type.

Date 3 (Originally Mr. Fireworks, now just a dud): My type and the first date went really good (see the post on July 2nd for details). Good enough for a second date but after the second date he was not so into me and stopped communicating. I figured I’m not his type.

Date 4: Met in the park after work to chat, drink a beer, and play frisbee. This guy was cute and kind of my type but his personality really rubbed me the wrong way. He was a little too ADHD and kind of bossy and presumptuous or something. He texted me about 5 minutes after we parted ways and wanted to inquire about dating exclusively. Once I said no to that, he never responded again.

Date 5: Nice guy, good looking and kind of my type. Dinner went great (he was the first guy since Date 1 to actually pay for anything for me). The conversation was good/easy. In the end I was probably not in the right frame of mind or something. Afterward, I went to watch what was left of the sunset at Walnut Creek and sat there listening to music and crying. The evening made me think about Matt for some reason. How we met and how he was so into me and how I was so into him from the start. I want to feel that way about somebody and this just wasn’t it. I tried to picture myself with this person on a vacation or sitting at home making dinner or something and I just couldn’t. The whole thing just made me feel like dog-doo.

Date 6 (today): We met for coffee in Benson and I got the time wrong and was like half an hour late. So out of character for me. He was handsome and fit and wonderful to talk to. I really could have stayed for much longer chatting but he had to get back home. We exchanged numbers and he did respond to the text I sent him after so I hope that is a good sign. I felt much more positive after the time we spent together than my date last night, but I don’t want to be too hopeful or seem too desperate so I’m just going to let him reach out to me again. If he does, that’s great. If not, well that will be another blow to my ego.

After all this, I have done some analysis (of course) and come to a few very important conclusions.

– I really am in this for finding a partner for the long term. I’m not built for casual dating or seeing multiple people. I can’t help but think strategically about the big picture and really want to find that right person so we can build a life together.
– I really, really want someone who wants me. I need someone to pursue me and not be wishy-washy. I need someone who is a good communicator and is responsive. I sort of knew these things before, but my experience with this so far has solidified these truths in my mind. I may be easy-going, but I very much need certain things and those are absolutes.
– I have a type. There is a look, or look+personality that I am drawn to and a few of these guys are fine people, nice people, hard workers, good citizens, but just not my type. I’m learning what that is and also how to politely tell someone that they are not my type. Telling someone something they don’t want to hear is a good skill to have, I suppose.

I’m a little disappointed in bumble in general and unless some of those conversations spark back up and someone actually asks me out on a date (5 of the 6 were initiated by me), then I’m just going to move the app off my home screen and not really look at it or do anymore swiping.

This has been a bit longer than I originally intended but I guess I had a lot to say about it. Tomorrow the kids come back and I have to admit with not feeling well and not accomplishing much this weekend I am not really ready.

Hopefully I will have a more restful sleep tonight, even if whatever this sickness I have continues to linger.

So Much for Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie