2017-06-25 Full of Life

Yesterday was so jam packed with stuff that I barely had a minute to figure out how to get to the next thing let alone capture the one that had just happened. I wanted to, though, because there were several things that just felt so profound and were very inspiring. I could try to do a rundown of all of it now but it probably would not do it justice. Sometimes when the moment has passed, it has passed and trying to recount it just isn’t the same.

Perhaps I just list it (now that the secret about my list making is out in the open) and see where things go from there…

– I woke up at 6 (after about 4.5 hours of sleep)
– Jazzercise at 8:30
– I worked in my yard and started cleaning out and organizing my shed.
– Stopped at 10:30 so I could clean up to go downtown.
– I arrived at Kaneko at 11:30 for a writing workshop. That was two hours.
– 2 PM I arrived back home and was just physically and mentally exhausted, so I took a nap
– Woke up around 3:30 and decided to finish what I started with the shed.
– 5:PM back inside to clean up again and drive to Benson.
– Met Sam at 6PM at 1912 for a drink on the rooftop patio.
– 7:30 We wander into the concert area.
– We basically chatted and drank until the show started around 10.
– 11:30 PM the concert ended and I went home and promptly fell asleep.

That was a pretty full day.

The two best parts were the workshop and hanging out with Sam (my now former co-worker) in Benson. The concert was OK. I really like the band Blue October but the album I was really into was from back in 2008 or 2009 or something and they only played two songs from that. The rest of the songs were newer and though they were somewhat familiar, and good, it wasn’t the same.

For me, going to a live music show is about being one with the music in it’s purest form. Letting that thing you are so familiar with flow through you. You sway and sing along. You jump-jump and sing along. You hold your hands up in the air and sing along. It’s just not as good when you can’t sing along. That’s my bad though, when I used to seek out concerts, I would emerge myself in all the music for weeks before, but this time I didn’t do that. Quite honestly I have not had time.. which is a result of all the other things in my life. It is something I intend to remedy. Unless I find something else, the next concert is in October, and of course now I will have plenty of time to “prepare”. 😃

Anyway, despite my slight disappointment with the concert, it was great because it gave Sam and I like four hours to talk about so much. We have not had much of an opportunity to catch up lately. She’s got a lot going on and of course we had my situations to hash over. I need to try and make a point to keep in touch with people that I’ve worked with. I really value the connections I have made and need to make an effort to not let them fade away just because I won’t be seeing them every week.

The most impactful thing that I experienced yesterday was during the writing workshop at Kaneko. I’ll have to spend a little more time on that topic later though, because it’s time to get ready to head out to Jazzercise now.

And so It Begins Again,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-21 Still Too Much

Things have transitioned from “feeling better because the weight of the job stress is melting away” to “oh shit, I have two days left to finish some stuff”. It started at four, now three, now today, waking up at 5AM again, it’s two. TWO DAYS LEFT OF WORK.

Today I have to switch gears and really stop focusing on doing work and focus more on conversations giving work to other people. Well, one other person anyway – which will be too much too. Hopefully, the newer folks on the team will be picking some things up to help real soon.

Last night I took the kids to visit my Dad who I did not see on Father’s day. I don’t see him very often, maybe four or five times a year including Christmas. In fact, it’s mostly holidays, not that I would consider Father’s day a holiday. They were just getting home and had Godfathers pizza for dinner and I lifted a couple of slices of that since I had not eaten. My dad opened a bottle of my favorite wine (which I brought to Thanksgiving last November that apparently nobody wanted).  Later we shared a strawberry pie that I made  (my late Grandmother – his mom’s recipe). I finally told him I quit my job.

If there would be one person I would expect to get some grief from or at least be somewhat worried about my choices, it would be my dad. However, I presented it in such a way, there was nothing snarky or skeptical or judgmental someone could say. I painted a picture of 2016 and then went into more detail about my most recent experience in Phoenix and coming home to even more “drama”, with no time for rest in-between. I talked about working 3 weeks straight and not sleeping well and not having time for the kids. After all that, who in their right mind would question my choice. He didn’t.

Yesterday I felt a fair amount of anxiety over, well work primarily, but also just the idea that “stuff” was not getting done and I wanted something that I could point to and say “look, I finished that”. It didn’t happen. Not enough anyway. But talking about my woes with my Dad (and his Wife) made me feel better. I think talking to people in general makes me feel better, but I sometimes feel like it’s a one or two shot deal.

Last fall I talked to my mom multiple times about my situation with Matt and by the 3rd or 4th time she was suggesting counseling. I don’t typically want to burden other people with my heavy stuff, so when she said that, I knew she was 1). Genuinely concerned about my mental health but also 2). Tired already of hearing the same things again. After that, I stopped bringing it up. I never went to see a counselor, because that’s never worked for me before (and I’ve tried two or three times in my life).

With friends, I feel like I really do only have one shot. I tell my story, get their opinion, and then we never talk about it more. The story is ongoing, but honestly not a lot has changed in the last 6 months. What more can you say about it? Yes, I still feel like I made a mistake (several mistakes) last year. Yes, I still feel sick thinking about Matt dating some other girl. Yes, I still want to talk to him and have to resist texting. Yes, I still cry about it. Maybe not as often as I was six months ago, but the road to recovery is long and slow to travel.

I feel like people don’t want to hear my broken record of a sob story. This is why a blog is such a great idea. I can say the same thing day after day after day, and since nobody (not nobody) is reading, nobody (not nobody) will be bored out of their mind with it.

Just like the last few weeks when I probably have talked about quitting my job almost daily.. It does not matter because I can do that here and will not feel like a burden on anyone but those people who perhaps are choosing to silently, anonymously accompany me through it. If you are reading this right now, thanks for sticking with me.

It’s almost 6AM and really time to figure out what today looks like. Hopefully it will include me pointing at something and getting to say “look, I finished that” and that “Too Much” gets just a little smaller. Fingers crossed.

Time to Make the Doughnuts,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-19 A Most Momentous Monday

I woke up at about 5:30 this morning after maybe 6.5 hours of sleep. I don’t feel super well rested and I don’t want to face this day. I really don’t think I am prepared. It’s my last Monday at my job. This is the last Monday and this is my last week. I’m going to pause and let that sink in for a minute…

…It is the last time I’m going to have to wake up on Monday and get ready to go to work (for several months anyway). That’s pretty huge.

Last Thursday when I left, I had a brief conversation with Doug, who I won’t see again at the office and a longer conversation with my boss, who I also won’t see again at the office.

I also spoke briefly with Brian and Angie as I was going out the door and taking one of my plants. I could barely speak and it’s OK, because what do you say anyway? As I got in my car and set the plant down on the floor mat on the passenger side, my eyes were filling with tears. I remember thinking if it feels this way now, what is it going to be like next week? Leaving the job was relatively easy, leaving the people is tough.

Now I’m rolling into my last week and still have a lot to do which I am grateful for because if I am busy working then I’m not going to have time to think about.. stuff. It’s the thinking about stuff that sometimes starts to get to me and it’s like eating Pringles or something, once you pop, you can’t stop. So I just need to keep my head down and focus on the tasks at hand. There will be time for reflection after.

I still have an hour and a half before I have to be to work. I’m wondering if I could squeeze some gym time in to take my mind off this most momentous Monday.

Time to Roll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-18 The Nature of Friendship

Last night I visited a friend of mine who just bought a house in CB, across the river from Omaha. It really feels far out of town and they grilled and we sat on their back porch and talked as the sun went down. It was really nice. We played with their drones and they talked about finding the house and what kinds of fun things are coming up in the near future.

I told them about quitting my job and not having another and they were very excited for me. Nobody seems to be too worried at all, which is nice. No lectures or advice or words of wisdom being thrown in my direction. Maybe they all think that I’m a grown up and can sink or swim for myself. Let’s hope they are right.

We did not talk about the relationship status or Matt at all, which was also nice. I did not tell Denise we broke up until after Christmas this past year, mostly probably because I was hoping it was only temporary.

Denise and I have been friends with since she moved to CB in 6th grade. We went to elementary, middle-school, and high-school together. She is one of a very few people that I am still friends with from HS. Really, I only keep in moderate contact with a couple of people “from those days”. And moderate is being a bit generous.

The others are Kelly, Laurie, and Rio, who I also graduated with but did not go to elementary school with like Denise. We see each other on FB, which you know is no substitute for a real connection, so I feel like I know what is going on in their lives, but I really don’t. Nor do they really know what is going on in mine.

Of these four lovely ladies, only Rio was in my wedding when I got married when I was 19. The others were Danielle, Stacey, Erika, and my sister Lindsay. Besides my sister, I don’t talk to or see any of these people anymore. Danielle moved farther away (albeit not that far), Erika and I had a pretty significant falling out many years ago, and Stacey has moved on from this life.

Thinking about it now, it is interesting how people come into and out of our lives. Things happen and as time passes we grow and change and so do they. Some people we grow closer to and others we grow apart from. It feels like a very natural occurrence and one that we should not be too upset about. For a very long time I was upset by the end of my friendship with Erika, but eventually let it go. You have to let it go or those kinds of things will weigh you down your entire life. And life is too short for that.

Denise and I talked about Erika last night too, as a similar thing happened with them. We were once a pretty tight group of friends, back before I had my kids, and we went for walks every week and talked about everything. We bridged the gap between Nebraska and Iowa and it did not seem that far, until one day it was. First we stopped meeting every week, and then girls game night that was once a month stopped too. Eventually, our annual Christmas Cookie baking event also stopped being scheduled. Other things and other people became more important. It was sad for a long time, but then, as more time passed it didn’t feel sad anymore, just “the way life is”.

Last night I found myself staring off into that sunset off her back deck last being at peace with all of it. It’s was a good feeling.

I think I need to get to a place where I’m at peace with my relationship with Matt. I certainly have that with regard to my ex-husband, and also the one other person I dated semi-seriously. I even have peace with my relationship with Josh, which is an ongoing thing. We have an understanding, and a mutual respect for each other, and care about each other while still recognizing there is no future there. We’ve been through the trials to answer the question, “can we just be friends”, with yes.

Denise seems to be very happy now in her new place with her man and all is right with the world. They are making plans for the future and that is how it should be. I’m very happy for her.

As for me, I’m getting there too, slow and steady. I think I’m on the right track and moving forward. I’m moving forward and looking forward to the future, which is a good sign.

Now Let’s Do Sunday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-13 Austin – Working and Catching Up

Sadly the first order of business when I arrived on Thursday (after lunch of course) was to dig right into some work stuff that was of the utmost importance, according to my former boss who is now the Chief Operations Officer. Behind that I have feature “X” that is broken and is of utmost importance according to our President. Then we have customer “Y” whose current set of issues post go live is of utmost importance to, well, the customer. Then we have customer “Z” who does not go live until June, but their issues are something I am directly responsible for and that project, in my world, is also of utmost importance because that’s a new site whose image in trust in us (and in me) is at stake. I won’t go into items “Q”, “R”, “S”, or “T” which pop up during my work day and somehow whoever it is thinks an immediate response is necessary. It is no wonder I feel defeated when trying to make anyone happy.

After getting as much done as I possibly could from my desk in the spare bedroom of my Texas Bestie’s house, we cut out for dinner and after that came back to the house to continue “catching up” over a bottle of wine.

I tried to do the best that I could to lay out all the puzzle pieces that make up my current work situation and after going over the 5th story that adds relevant detail, her advice to me was to cut and run. She reminded me that this is the third trip here where I was lamenting about all the drama and dis-satisfaction.

I am the one who offered up first that I have already considered quitting, and had done number crunching to see how long I could be on hiatus before even starting to look for another job. I admitted to not only needing to break away from my company but also break away from working completely for a while. Her advice to me was to plan for 3 months of just doing nothing (not working or looking for a job) and take time to just live and do things that are satisfying to me personally. After 3 months, which would take me into September or October, start to look again and probably by the first of the year next year I will have found something new and will be completely recharged and ready to give it my all again.

We joked about writing my resignation letter. We joked about shooting my Survivor application video, and by the end of the night, we were admitting we were pretty serious about it.

Later that evening at the house is when we put the work stuff aside and focussed more on the relationships I’m tangled in. We talked about the weird back and forth with Matt, having continued communication which has increased in the last month. At this time, Jer was there too and both of them had the same advice which was that I should cut off contact completely because it was not healthy for either one of us. They are right, but this is a tougher pill to swallow then all the work conclusions somehow.

I’m going to need a little more time to consider the things they have said and I don’t think I am ready for the conversation where I tell him we can’t be friends. It hurts my heart to think about it, but at the same time, I understand that all that is exactly why I’m not really able to get over it and move on. I just need some time and space in my own mind to really build up the courage to do what needs to be done, because I know it will be really tough.

To sum up, so far, I’ve done a ton of work and we’ve done a ton of talking, and now that it is the weekend I need to break free, as much as I can, from all of it, and just enjoy my friends and Austin. Lance arrives today so that will add another dynamic into the mix which is sure to be super fun.

Over it and Out,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-05-01 Quite the Day Indeed

Yesterday was emotionally draining. To be fair, the last week and a half has been emotionally draining, so yesterday sort of feels like the crescendo to all of that. I really could not take being stuck in a holding pattern at the precipice of unraveling any longer. I had to take a step. That step was me asking a tough question while knowing the answer would be upsetting. I did it anyway.

Matt and I met at 6PM last evening and sat in my car and talked for about 2 hours. Some of it was just all about work and how things are going in our now separate lives, but as it was intended, we did a deeper dive into our relationship and the end of “us”. It was tough, but good.

I learned how his new relationship came to be. I got more insight into his thought process about where he is at with his life right now. He talked more about how he was feeling than he did the entire last year and though it was hard to hear, it felt good to be hearing it. To hear him acknowledge his own inability to make a decision was validating.

I also went down that road a little bit. I admitted to my own faults of not knowing what I wanted. I let go off things I had been holding inside of me that I wanted to say. I said I was sorry for the way things unfolded and I didn’t hold back in letting him know I still miss him and think sometimes that if circumstances were different, we would have been right for each other. I cried and we hugged.

I cried and he cried and we held hands and we hugged. It was like two people needing a person to talk to and the only person who could really listen and understand was the person who was their best friend for five years. We were connected in that moment and something about it just felt natural.

Going into the conversation, I was fully prepared to tell him that it was too hard for me when he texted and that he needed to stop. But the truth is that it is not hard. The hard part came when thinking about the fact he was with someone else. It’s all connected of course, but I concluded that it was more important for me to continue to be at the other end of that “ping” for him than to tell him not to ping at all. We talked about the fact that talking to your ex is unorthodox, but I reminded him that I’m a rule breaker (even if I’m not really).

He wants to talk again soon and mentioned lunch or dinner this week. I was a little shocked to hear that he wanted to meet again so soon, but I think perhaps the two hour conversation was not enough and he had more to say. Or perhaps he just wanted to have more of a normal chat session that was not so heavy. Either way, I told him I was OK with that and then let him know what days I was going to be available for lunch.

I don’t want to fall back into a bad patterns of having hope, so I am just going to be open to whatever happens, and not have any expectations.

In the mean time, I’ve got to go face the music at work. There is much accounting of time and effort to be done and probably more challenging conversations about what is to come. I admitted to Matt last night I was dreading going into the office today. I just have a half day and I can get through that and make it to Cooper’s MDT meeting at the middle school at 1. After that, I have the rest of the afternoon off to do with what I please.

All In Good Time,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-04-30 Closure Conversation?

I’ve been saying all along, at every turn, that I need closure but that I may never have it. I may never have that conversation. I may never get the chance to say all the things I wanted to say AFTER it was all over. All the things I’ve ever said were things I wanted to say to try and keep going, with hope in mind. Always. I guess a part of me was still in denial, even after learning he had started dating someone else. Now here I am about to meet him to talk and my heart is pounding and I don’t know what to expect.

Will this be the conversation I’ve been wanting. Will I have my say and finally hear him say some things too? I don’t want to get my hopes up for anything, but I sort of can’t help it.

We are meeting at 6PM at a park, because I said I didn’t want to meet in a public place. I know myself well enough to know I will lose my composure. We are meeting at the same part we met back in October where I tried to convince him to come back to me. That seems like a lifetime ago now. It’s that conversation where I gave him my ring.

At that time I did my best to say everything I wanted to say given the context I was aware of. The thing I was not aware of, is that he had already started seeing someone else. Now that I know that, I’m thinking of things in a whole new light. Still, I don’t regret doing that. And I will not regret anything I say to him today either.

Like John says, “Say what you need to say”,
~Miss SugarCookie