2017-12-15 Lions and Tigers and Boys.. Oh My

Yesterday was quite a strange day and full of expected and unexpected events. Most of it had to do with other people and most of those other people were men. Spoiler.. this one is on the long-ish side but the last bit at the end is super relevant to the story.

First, my ex-husband called me out of the blue while I was at the gym and interrupted my “flow” on the elliptical machine. We actually chatted for about 25 minutes and it ended up being a nice change up to my norm and it made that time pass faster.

He seemed to call for no reason, but I updated him on lots of things anyhow. Mostly stuff about the kids and my new job and coordinating things for the alterations in our schedules due to the Christmas holiday. It was a pleasant enough conversation, and in the end, when I asked him why he called he said something about Zoey and a text that came in while we were talking. I got the distinct impression he was deflecting the question, and then he had to get back to work.

Something is up, but I’ve learned not to question it or even give it a second thought because whatever it is, probably will not be that important and is likely not worth pressing on.

The second interaction was coffee with my other ex, Matt. He initiated meeting up and I requested coffee. He drove all the way to my end of town and we met at the Panera. He apparently wanted to just catch up. In my head I’d gone round and round all sorts of reasons he may want to meet and the thought even crossed my mind he might ask if I wanted to get back together.

Well, the thought crossed my mind, but I dismissed it. The conversation was mostly light, but did get a little more intense when we were talking about his grandma who is in pretty good physical health but whose mental capabilities are waning. I could not help but have empathy for him as the person who has the most contact with her and also sadness within me that comes from a place in the heart that remembers I used to call her grandma too. I still do really.

I had the courage to ask if he was still dating Lindsey, and he said that he is. Then he said a few things that seemed like puzzle pieces that didn’t quite fit and it felt much like Brian earlier when he dodged my question on why he had called. I didn’t press on it this time either, but for different reasons. Someone once told me “Don’t ask questions that you don’t really want the answers to.”

I held it together pretty good and pushed my feelings deep down as we exchanged stories. What do you do with a person you know so well? What do you do with a person you still have feelings for? What do you do when they can’t or won’t or don’t feel the same way? I know what to do. Smile and fake it.

That’s what I did. I said all that I needed to say before (last year) and that’s why I can be free from regret and not feel the urge to say anything more now. I can just acknowledge my feelings are still there and have a conversation and also make sure he knows how awesome my life is right now.

I let my happiness and positivity shine through and suppressed my continued grief about “us”. It wasn’t until I was in my car pulling out of the Panera parking lot that I released that beast and burst into tears. I cried all the way home. Sometimes, life is just rotten.

Later in the day I discovered via twitter that an old acquaintance from years ago was in town from Cali and so I jumped in my car to meet him at Aromas in Benson. My turn to drive across town.

Gabe and I were not that close. We frequented the same circles and had several mutual friends. I thought to myself that a quick Meetup would be good for me and he was all for it as he saw most of his peeps at a tech holiday party last night and was just hanging out today messing on the internet.

It was really great to catch up and he’s doing some super cool things at Philo. He also recently took some time off of work and we shared a lot of commonalities around that. In an hour we covered Work, relationships, and what life is like living in the heart of San Fran. I discovered that when he comes back to Nebraska he always has A Wendy’s cheeseburger which he does not have easy access to where he lives (he’s living the car free life).

Wendy’s .. really??! Gross!!! I held my opinion to myself. After an hour we parted ways and I jumped back in my car to head home and start dinner.

That brings me to my last interaction of the day.. Simon paying me a visit to join us for dinner and evening activities. Cooper let him in and he came upon me in the kitchen while my back was turned. When I turned around to greet him with a hug, I almost missed the dozen purple roses he brought.

I’m ashamed of my first thought. “Oh no.. cut flowers”. I don’t care for cut flowers and I think the gesture is a waste of money and a shame to sentence those beauties to an abbreviated life. I practiced my faking it for the second time in the day and smiled and thanked him and promptly stopped what I was doing to get a vase.

In truth, I did allow some emotion to show.. just enough that he would pick up on it and ask me about it. I told him I had a tough day and asked if we could talk more after dinner. And so we did.

I talked about meeting Matt for coffee and then recounted the events of 2016 so he had a good frame of reference to understand the gravity of my meetup and the depth of my emotions.

He listened and attempted to find relatable connections in his own life. Some relationship he had 20 years ago that left him feeling the same things years later. I appreciated him listening to me and I know he’s smart enough to pick up on the other connection. I left Matt because he could not commit to a future and I’m not about to be in a relationship with someone else who has the same limitation.

We did not talk about “us” much. There’s nothing really to talk about. The cut flowers say it all.

One might say “how was he to know not to bring you cut flowers?”. My response to that is so revealing…

If you are seeing a girl and you know she’s into writing and you know she writes poetry you ask her about it. This is not freaking rocket science.

If you ask her she’ll be overjoyed that you are interested and she’ll share her blog with you so you can read what she’s written. If you want to be supportive and show you care about her interests and feelings, you’ll visit the blog and read at least some of her writing.

In my case, anyone who does that would most certainly read the poem on my home page. It’s called Long Talks and Sidewalks and the post has been “sticky” at the top for about nine months now (which it isn’t anymore because I’m getting ready to post something new). The second line of the poem says “Don’t bring me cut flowers and expect me to smile and swoon”. And it goes on to explain why.

Even if one were to assume that this is just poetry and words and fluff, they should have the wherewithall to inquire further about it… if they care.

I don’t think all of this is unreasonable. If it’s unreasonable, please someone tell me. As it is, Simon and I have been seeing each other for five months and he knows about my affinity for poetry and that I have a blog but has never inquired beyond that. If he brought me flowers on a second date or something, that would be different, but it has been five months.

There could be lots of reasons for that, but I’ve taken so much interest in things he cares about, the fact that it’s very one-sided is a concern for me. Like I wrote a few days ago, I don’t need someone to be totally gaga about my passions, but an ounce of interest is absolutely required. I added that to the scale a while back. The presentation of flowers just solidified it. /sigh

I guess I’ll just keep skipping merrily along this yellow brick road with a keen eye looking out for more lions, tigers, and .. uh.. bears. 🐻 😉

There’s No Place Like Home,
~Miss SugarCookie

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2017-12-10 The Curse of the Logical Mind

There is no escaping reality. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Well.. I’ve tried enough to feel really shitty for a couple of days after drinking too much. That’s where I was last year in the weeks leading up to and following Christmas. I hit rock bottom and did not want to live anymore. I was not suicidal, but I remember thinking I just could not do it anymore. Something had to change.

What I am writing now is not about that, nor is it about my failed relationship with Matt or any of the details behind why I had to quit my job. I’ve gone round and round those topics so much, there is no need to repeat it. What it is about, is now, and how no matter how much I try to just hum merrily along to life’s sweet melody, there are tough things to face and facts that weigh heavy on my mind.

I’ve been enjoying a fair amount of success with just about everything I try, for a long time. One thing that seems to dodging me, has to do with relationships. More specifically, romantic relationships. This year I attempted to dip my toe into the dating pool and got in enough to realize how unpleasant the water is, and got right back out again. I did, however, find someone on my way out.

We met on July 23rd and it was very slow to start. In the month to follow, I only saw him a couple of times and a few of those took me way outside my comfort zone, but I kind of dug it. In September we started seeing each other more and by October I was staying over at his house some nights when I did not have the kids. That continued into November as I became more and more comfortable with things, and not worried as much about how he feels about me. The other thing that I realize more and more as time goes by is that he’s not right for me.

I’ve done so much soul searching, self-evaluation, and analysis of past relationships in the last couple of years, I think I have what I want and what I need from a partner pretty nailed down. I’m “in it to win it” so to speak. I want someone for the duration. The duration being.. the rest of my life. I need someone who wants and needs me, which one would think would be easy to find. I want a partner who I can challenge and who will challenge me so we can elevate each other and be better human beings. I want someone who wants to be active and healthy with me. I want someone who likes to travel and experience new things. I want someone who I can communicate with and who does not have issues with communication. Obviously I want to find a good person with a kind heart. There’s lots of fine print, but these are the general overarching qualities.

I don’t want to just completely dismiss the fine print, because we all know the devil lives in the details. Maybe those general things above are fairly easy to come by and can help me rule out certain people very easy on (if I ever decide to date again). The tricky part is determining if any of the details will also be a deal breaker. This is where my logical mind starts to wreck havoc on my thought processes. The problem (or curse) may not even be a logical one, but instead just my tendency to overthink things.

As of right now, my brain has started compiling a list of these details as far as Simon is concerned and most of them have little red flags attached. Don’t get me wrong, there are lots of positives too, but how do they stack up against the other side? In a world ruled by balance, if the scales are tipped too far the wrong way, it’s hard to ignore.

If I were to start listing out some of these details one might think I was certifiably crazy, but I am who I am and I know what I am capable of overcoming and dealing with and what I am just not. I also know some things based on my historical relationships, and if those red flags present, then it’s for sure trouble, because it means it was something I could not get over.

  1. I don’t want to be cold. If the house is set below 70 degrees, ever, that’s not an environment I can be comfortable in.
  2. I don’t want to have to drive across town to see someone, and if I do, then they have to split that driving 50/50. In fact, it’s great if most things are 50/50. If I end up doing most things myself (including paying for things), then forget about it. (obviously more applicable if living together).
  3. I do fad-diets and go through cycles of eating and not eating certain things. I not only don’t want to be judged for this, but I also want to be supported. In this category is also my love for cheeseburgers. I love them. I can’t be dealing with a cheeseburger hater.
  4. I need someone who is interested in what I am doing. This is an extension of the thing I said above about wanting someone who wants and needs me. They don’t have to be interested in poetry or writing or gardening or whatever, but if it is something I’m doing, I want them to be interested in that and care enough to ask about it and talk about it.
  5. I can only compromise so far when it comes to my parenting style. I don’t know how much more I want to or need to change how things operate in my house. I’m all ears when it comes to advice, but I’m not going to start parenting differently. This is obviously bigger than a bread box, but becomes important when I start thinking about living with someone.

Thus far, my time with Simon has been good. He’s a good person with a unique and refreshing outlook on life. He’s a happy, positive person who is interested in health and well-being and staying active. We’ve had some great moments and I’ve grown as a person because of things we have done together. I’ve had instances where I felt such joy and the warm feeling of happiness inside.. and at least once where the words “I love you” almost slipped out of my mouth. However, I can’t help the slow methodical creeping of thoughts and those “red flag” instances piling up on one side of the scale.

The biggest thing at this point is his general approach to living. He wants to live in the moment and not think about the future. That, of course, is contrary to one of my biggest items.. the longevity of the relationship. If he’s never going to be thinking about the future, then there is no future for us. And if there is no future for us, then I’m not down for that. I spent five years of my life with the last guy, without a promise for a future, and I don’t intend to do that again.

So even without the temperature, distance, and parenting discrepancies, that’s the big thing. If somehow that changed, and he was suddenly wanting to plan a future and we started talking about that, the other things would come into play. There are elements in all five of the issues above that concern me.

The latest one happened yesterday when he made me a burger. He asked me if I wanted cheese and I said that I would defer to his taste on it since it was his masterpiece. He said he never eats cheese on a burger because it does not seem to have any benefit for pleasing the palate and that the two (burger and cheese) are really not meant to be paired for that reason. Now have you ever heard such blasphemy in all your days? I know I haven’t.

That was probably the last straw. Now I know I said you would think me crazy, and I does not hurt my feelings if you do, but this little nugget weighing on my mind, on top of all the others, just solidified what I already knew to be true but was in denial because I wanted so much for it to be just wonderful.

As with all things, timing is everything. It’s the holidays and we have plans coming up this weekend when his daughter gets back in town. I need to wait out the current PMS phase to see if my feelings will soften a bit, but I just can’t envision enough of a change in the dynamic to warrant some re-consideration.

I recognize my own failure in this process is my lack of communication which is partially due to a fear of rejection. I’ve been enjoying our time and did not want it to end so I’ve been mostly silent on all of this.. Including the cheeseburger comment yesterday. I need to be able to fix that. I’m just not sure how.

Just another problem my logical mind will most assuredly try to solve in its spare time (hopefully not while I am trying to sleep).

Enough for Now,
~Miss SugarCookie

 

2017-12-03 Sunday Status Update and Reflection

Some days I feel so positive about my progress and some days I just feel like a follow through failure. Braeaking it all down with statistics helps me realize the reality and take feelings out of the story. These “pulse checks” are therefore very helpful. It’s also helpful to compare one moment in time to another. That way I can truly see if I’m making progress and meeting my goals.

Here’s today’s snapshot…

Exercise/Steps: My average steps for the last 7 days was just shy of 20k steps per day. This is on par with where I was two weeks ago but about twice as much as I was getting at the start of the year.

I went to about 6 Jazzercise classes for the week which is also about the same as last week but I’m doing more of this now than at the start of the year as well. I’m still using 8 pound weights but don’t think I can go any heavier because 8 pounds is pretty taxing on my joints.

Sleep: My 7 day average was 6 hours and 50 minutes. This is worse than the last four previous weeks which were all 7+ hours average per night. My goal has been 8 for so long but I’m feeling that’s unrealistic. I’m going to adjust accordingly and shoot for 7.5 hours. I’ve still felt rested and energized for the day when I wake up and I think that’s the important thing. I’m now able to sleep through the night which is HUGE! A year ago I was so far from that it’s crazy and was even still struggling six months ago. I’m attributing my improved mood and energy to this one factor and therefore know for certain the changes I’ve made in my life were not just good ones.. they were absolute necessity.

Eating: It was a tough week and my willpower was low. I had too much junk with sugar in it. I’ve decided I’m going gluten free… and I started a couple of days ago. If that seems familiar, it’s because it is. I just copy/pasted that from two weeks ago. It’s exactly the same. I caved on the gluten free thing a few times and broke down and had too many sweets. But a few days ago, on December 1st, I re-committed myself to being gluten free. It’s time to get serious. I’m not going to try and fool myself into thinking I can also cut dairy or sugar at the same time. So this month I’m going to focus on just that one change.

Employment: Still None. My MFA residency starts this month and I’m now actively engaged in looking for a job.

Relationships: I now have a backlog of writing to do on this subject.. for romantic relationships and new things regarding family, but I’ve not found dedicated time to do so because of other priorities. Of course I’m still single and unsure what to do about these of my life, but it’s not like it’s a thing you can set goals around and make “progress”. Am I Right?

Looking forward to:

1. Monday – Pounding the world wide electronic superhighway for a job. (Yes.. I’m actually excited about this).
2. Tuesday – An evening in or out with my lovely sister. .
3. Wednesday – Showing my HVAC who is boss and filing away the final episode of that saga.
4. Thursday – Lunch with Leah.
5. Friday – FriYay!
6. Saturday – Christmas cookie chaos!!

Life is Still Good,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-10 The Good, the Bad, and the Really, Really Ugly

Let’s start with really, really ugly.. This morning when I woke up the temperature outside was 21 degrees. Brrrrrr, what?! Sometimes I wonder why I even live here since I hate the cold so, so much. I think the answer is/was family way back when, but now it’s definitely the kids. When they are grown and gone, all bets are off and I’m predicting a 90% chance of permanent relocation.

OK, now the good.. Last night I participated in a “Show and Tell Story Slam”. There were ten storytellers, three judges who were volunteers from the audience, and about 40-50 people sitting and standing around the room. There were more people in that room than any of the previous events I’ve attended. Of course it was.. because this is the one I elected to be my debut.

I went second to last and sat in the back row, and watched as all the other people got up and told their stories. As each one went by, my nerves became more and more unravelled. As each one went by, a few more people came in the door. So by the time 8:40 came around, it was a packed house, i was totally sweaty, and I had nowhere to escape to. So when they called my name, I grabbed my phone and my bottle of sand and walked up to the front of the stage.

Of all the storytellers, only myself and one other person read their story. He read from paper and I read from my phone. I probably would not do that again because it was very easy to lose my place, especially since I was really trying to look up and make eye contact with the people in the audience. The whole thing was over in about 9 minutes. I ran over on time, so that means I did a good job pacing myself since my story was right at the 8 minute mark.

I put this event in the “good” category for a couple of reasons. The first is that I actually finally did it. Yay, for trying new things and overcoming my fear of public speaking AND my social anxiety. The second is that I actually tied for 3rd place. It was a thee-way tie which basically means I was in the top 50% for scores. They did not have prizes for three people so the only thing I came away with was a book from the Omaha Public Library, one of the sponsors of the event.

Now for the bad.. I cut my hair. OK that part is not so bad. I have cut my own hair for years now and nobody does it better than me (and nobody does it cheaper 😉 ). However, yesterday I was in a really down mood all day and so when I showed up at Simon’s house and he didn’t even notice or comment it was like earwax icing on a shit cake. Yeah, it felt that terrible.

I mean, I cut off like 4-6 inches and not only that, but it was straight, which I rarely do, and he’s never seen it that way before. How in the world do you not notice that??! I want to be with someone who has enough interest in me to pay attention to those details. I want them to care about my writing, cheer me on when I try new things (like last night), and be an equal partner in the relationship. I’m not OK with lopsided anymore. The hormones may have had something to do with the way I was reacting to his non-reaction, but I’m not feeling really good about that relationship right now anyway.

That probably deserves to be expanded on somewhat but I just don’t have it in me today. I’ll save it for some other time when the swell of hormones is over, it’s not effffing 22 degrees out, and I have more time. I really need to get out of bed now and go do something productive.

Until Tomorrow,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-11-09 How I Really Feel

The major disclaimer that I professed when I started this blog is that it would contain my raw, unedited feelings about everything that I have gone through and everything that I am going through. I do make an effort to keep things as transparent as possible and as “readable” as possible, but some days that’s just not possible. Today is one of those days. So this may seem a little bit all over the place.. and quite raw.

Yes, I just got back from one of the biggest vacations of my life, and there’s something more hidden under the surface of that which has yet to be revealed.

Yes, I am just about to start my period and as such I’m more emotional than normal. Typically, I recognize these days and try not to over-react to things or over-think things and above all else, not make any rash decisions. Historically, I will know that how I am feeling may be magnified by the hormones in my body wrecking havoc on my brain, and if something comes up, I tell myself “wait a few days, and if you still feel the same, then go ahead and address it then”. That has worked and I think kept me out of a few conflicts I may have otherwise entered into needlessly.

I am an open book for anyone who wants to know anything about me. All a person needs to do is ask. Most people don’t ask though. Most people just don’t care. I get it. Everyone is living their own lives where they are the center of the universe and it’s up to me to care about me and try not to worry too much that nobody else cares about me. My kids care about me, but even with them, they are the center of their own universe too, so they only care so far as their interests are concerned.

Before I went to Hawaii, I had several people ask me about it. I told the truth. I said I’ve always wanted to go, and that I had once thought the trip would be a wonderful romantic destination and even thought it might be where I would go on my honeymoon. I would say this and then follow that up with “but that never happened, so I decided to go anyway.” I’m sure I said this with a sideways smile.

It’s wonderful I was able to go and I want to be grateful and I am grateful but, god damn if I don’t also feel just so upset that this worked out the way it did. It feels unfair. I feel so unloved. What I did not disclose until now is that one of the most emotional moments I had was when I sat down in my seat on the first plane to come back home and buckled myself in. In that instant, I just burst into tears.

I had shared every wonderful picture I took on Facebook so people could see every place and thing we saw that was picture worthy. I wanted that for posterity but also so people would know we went and think we had a great time. The rush of emotions I felt on the plane was instigated by thoughts about my failed relationship with Matt. I was supposed to be on that plane with him. I was supposed to be living with the love of my life and planning the rest our lives together. I was supposed to be going home to “our” home, but instead, I was headed for a big empty house (save for my kitten), and facing the reality of my life decisions.

I’m unemployed, single, struggling to raise my kids right, and constantly battling the big question of “what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”. Why can’t I figure it out? Why does it seem so freaking important that there’s a man in the picture? Why can’t I just be happy being alone. Why can’t I just be content to work on HL7 for the rest of my career? Why does it have to be freezing cold in Omaha? None of it seems fair.

I’ve been waiting for over a month now to get word on my MFA application. Each day that goes by I get more and more irritated that they have not gotten back to me yet. Don’t they know that my whole life hangs in the balance? Not that I can afford that shit now anyway. So that’s irony for you.. If I have a job I can afford the MFA program but I probably will not have time to do it.. If I don’t have a job, I’ll have plenty of time, but I won’t be able to afford it.

Tonight I’m going to a show and tell story slam. If I can keep from loosing my nerve, I will be on that “stage” telling a story (more like reading). Ironically, the entire story is a metaphor for the finding and loosing my love for Matt. None of those people know me, and hey, I know they don’t care anyway, so it won’t make any difference what my story is. I can’t help but think about the fact that I wrote that in 2015, way before the worst year of my life in 2016. I wrote it way before the first time I broke up with him. I wrote it way before he proposed to me. Way before the final curtain.

Yes, in May of 2015 I was already writing about finding and losing that part of me that was romantically in love. In truth, it was more about me loosing the feeling of love than it was about Matt or anything else. It took another year and three months before “we” were really done. And tonight, I’m going to stand up in front of an audience and tell a story that conveys those feelings. Perhaps there is no better time than right now with my emotions being on overload to allow those feelings to show through. I just have to be brave and get up on that stage.

I’ve been struggling a lot today just to keep it together. All I want right now is for the rest of this day to fly by so I can go to bed and wake up tomorrow and hopefully have some relief from this grief. I have so many more things running amok in my head, but I’d better just stop now and see about getting myself together for this story telling.

Impatiently waiting,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-17 Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

A few days ago I wrote about finally doing something I have been afraid to do for years. Fear may or may not be the right word, but at the heart of it, there is always some reason and that is the closest I thing I can come to pinpointing the root of why I had not submitted any of my writing to a publication.

This time, making the leap of faith to do something I had not done before was about 85% me. It was probably 10% inspired by the poetry reading/workshop I went to last week, and the last 5% I’m going to say was Simon. I think it is good to recognize where our motivation comes from and in this case, I’m pleased that it was mostly me. I don’t want to ever have to rely on other people or circumstances to push me to do something I really want to do but am afraid. I want to overcome my fears and have the ability to recognize when it is fear and to just go for it anyway. As Princess KK would say, “No risk, no reward”.

With that being said, I still want to acknowledge when there are people or circumstances that have helped me along. I want to be grateful for those people and those opportunities and if possible, I want to tell them or show them I’m grateful. In that blog post a few days ago I mentioned mustering the courage in 2010 to start posting my writing in a blog. That was seven years ago and I feel like I should publicly give credit where credit is due…

At that time, I was newly divorced and had just decided to start dipping my toe into the dating pool. I was urged by my friends to do that and not knowing how to do that, I elected to turn to match.com. There I quickly found a handful of people who, based on brief profiles and pictures, I had an interest in that also had an interest in me. I ended up going out on about three dates in one week (which was too much for me – but doesn’t that sound familiar?!).

The last of those three dates was with a guy, let’s call him Vis. After that lunch meet up at Ruby Tuesday at 102nd and Pacific, Vis and I became fast friends. It was not long before I knew his whole story and not long after that when we became intimate. We were extremely compatible intellectually and spiritually and emotionally and physically. We had some similar interests and many different interests. The one overarching item with regard to our relationship was the fact that I was way more into him than he was into me. I wanted a relationship and he just wanted to be friends because he knew I was “not the right girl for him”.

Based on behavior and words and shared experiences, I thought he might not being truthful about that, but I conceded to his request to just be friends with an option to opt-out at any time if someone better came along. That seemed OK at the time and I remained hopeful that he would change his mind right up until the very minute that someone better did come along.. for him. Cue the heartbreak.

I’m not going into the full story because “aint nobody got time for that”. The truth is that in the six months we were together, he urged me to post my writing online. He gave me strength to get over some other things I was dealing with at the time and supported my goals. The relationship was not for naught.

I was crushed when it was over, but looking back with softer eyes, I see the good. I see the value in what we both brought to each other. I want to give him credit for helping me and acknowledge his participation in my life’s journey. Relationships come and go, people wander in different directions on the path of life, but most still exist and are out there somewhere. A person should not dwell in the past, but they also should not pretend it never existed.

Incidentally, I’ve only had a handful of romantic relationships in my life and the one I had with Vis was the most poetically fruitful. I mean that quite literally. The number of poems I wrote about him, and us, and our time together outnumbers any other I’ve had by quite a margin. That includes Brian, my ex-husband whom I was with for 18 years and Matt, who I was with for 5. Considering the one with Vis was only 6 months, that’s quite impressive. I should give him credit for that too, despite the fact that most of that poetry WAS about being dumped.

In any case, I intend to email Vis and thank him. It’s the least I could do for the gifts he gave me.

Always Grateful,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-10-27 On History Repeating

The last few days have been strange in the way it feels I’m living certain days and events of my life over again. Today it continues and I’ve been “hit” with one more. This one on a much more personal level.

I was just doing random chores around the house and finishing dishes in the kitchen when I received an unexpected phone call from Simon. He often calls me after Work meet ups to talk through thoughts about them. Not too unusual then.. until he starts talking about the possibility of not staying in Omaha.

This is the first time this has come up and my immediate reaction felt like a punch. I should not be surprised given his history of moving around and the fact that his daughter lives in another state but I always got the impression he was happy here. I also have tried to shield myself from thinking too far in the future for the fear of exactly how this makes me feel.

I feel unimportant. I feel limited in what I can offer as a partner because my kids come first. And given the history of my failed relationships, I lack confidence in the possibility that things really can work out. Somehow I feel destined to always be faced with heartbreak.

This is so very close to the scenario with Matt. He’s not happy with his life. He’s not sure about staying in Omaha. He wants me to consider uprooting the kids to live somewhere else. Our relationship was not good enough for a real long term commitment. It’s impossible for me not to equate all that with what I heard this morning.

I’ve been seeing Simon about 3 and a half months. The last month and a half, more seriously. I’m emotionally attached and have allowed myself to be completely open for getting closer and seeing where it goes. It’s probably time for a conversation about “us”, but that’s scary because it might force the tough questions and even tougher answers. In a way I’ve been avoiding that. Fear is a bitch.

I know what I want from life and my partner and I know what my expectations are. I have to be honest about that. I have to be straight with him and straight with myself. Yes, I have to.

Matt and I failed to talk about these things for 5 years. I know history is repeating itself, but that can NEVER happen again. I need to get over my fear and have that conversation. Today!

Not ALL history has to repeat.
Cheers to Tomorrow!
~Miss SugarCookie