2018-03-16 Lifted Curses?

I survived the Ides and to my knowledge so did my loved ones. Time to take a deep breath and exhale a sigh of relief and turn attention to the flip side of the Ides which is St. Patrick’s day. It’s another day my family is very keen on observing even though there’s only a tiny slice of Irish ☘️ in the mix.

Obviously there’s a lot of years that nothing noteworthy has happened in March, but something inside of me feels like the month has still got bad omens swirling around it. I forget that one of the most important days of my life was in March, which was the birth of my daughter. That definitely balances things out for me and perhaps most of the rest of it was inherited from the fam via suggestion and March is no more cursed than any other month.

As far as March 15 is concerned, it will still be the day in history my divorce was final. I suppose that could be viewed as both positive and negative. This year marks the 8th anniversary of that day and what a way to celebrate.. Date #4 with Bachelor #15.

When I arrived we opened a couple bottles of wine, red for me and white for him. He proceeded to show me the back yard and then we sat and talked in what I would call the sunroom. After that he cooked me dinner and I we ate and talked more. It was great.

I didn’t want to miss the movie again so even though it was quite late in the evening, we did that too. The only thing I have to say about “The Shape Of Water”… so strange!

THIS won best picture??! Whatever. I think it was probably just the perfect mix of good acting, a historic context that made for good nostalgia, and unique story. Still, it was not that enjoyable. Almost like I was watching and didn’t have the opportunity to opt out. I’ve never cringed like that at a romance scene in my whole life! (Or the scene where the guy pulls his own decaying fingers off his hand. 🤮)

So I guess I had more than one thing to say about the movie. When it was over we didn’t really talk about it much. It was late and he had to be up early for work. I made it back home before midnight and fell asleep feeling very positive about things. A successful 4th date means my 3rd date curse has also been obliterated (if that was ever really a thing).

I’ve got a fair bit planned for the day today. Work.. lunch with my mom.. Jazzercise with Leah.. and then more work. This weekend we’re cutting a new release of the software so the calendar is littered with tasks that need to get done by Sunday. I hope it’s all done by Saturday so I can enjoy our annual ☘️ party (which is actually on Sunday).

Curses Smurses,

~Miss SugarCookie


2018-03-15 Ohhh the Ides

One doesn’t have to look too far to find why this day in history has been marked with a black cloud .. for Ceasar and for my Family. Every year we sort of hold our breath waiting for March to pass. I don’t want to repeat myself and I wrote a little about it last year. If you are interested, last years post is Here.

I’m hoping to balance all that out (as much as one could) with my 4th date with Bachelor #15. He’s going to cook me dinner at his house and then we are going to watch that movie we planned to watch on our second date but ran out of time. I’m really looking forward to it.

I think having a 4th date breaks some sort of record. I’m cautiously hopeful about this guy. He seems awesome and I keep daydreaming about the future. Something in the back of my head can’t help but be skeptical though. Is this the date where he decides he’s not that into me and tomorrow “poof” he’s gone?

I wasn’t like this a year ago so it’s definitely the dating scene that’s caused this paranoia. To be fair, a year ago I was still trying really hard to get over my ex and not think about him every damn day. I think it was June that I downloaded the Bumble dating app and started swiping.

I’ve decided that if this new guy decides to exit stage left, that’s it for Bumble. I’ve sealed that deal by deleting the app. I don’t really have a plan B other than to just take a break from that madness for a while. Dating should be fun, and it hasn’t been. That being stated, every interaction with Bachelor #15 has been really great so far.. fun, perfect dates, great conversation, balanced. He’s checking all the boxes and making me smile.. that’s how it’s supposed to be!! 😊

Until our dinner date tonight at his house, I have all day in an empty, quiet house to get some work done. It’s been a while and I’m very much looking forward to the break. I’m a little behind this week on things for work (all self imposed deadlines), but in the next few days I’ll be able to dig in and concentrate.

In any case, I’m going to minimize my chances of running into any soothsayers today by staying close to home. I don’t need anyone telling me to “Beware the Ides”. And if I get murdered tonight like Ceasar did, then wont that be just the grandest irony ever! 😜

Here’s to Shakespeare,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-03-09 French Fry Day

This morning I woke with a headache which was half blutini and half cycle day one trying really hard to make an appearance (presumably). I only had two drinks at dinner last night so it can’t just be all that.

Despite my spidey-sense being off when it comes to meeting new people lately, I decided once again to trust it and let bachelor #15 pick me up at my house for dinner out and then a movie at his place.

My house wasn’t really company-worthy but I gave him the grand tour anyway. My daughter is mortified that I showed her room in its current state and said “never do that again”. Ha! Ive decided that it’s just better just to be real and show people how we really live anyway.

“Here’s my daughter’s room, littered with clean and dirty clothes and my dining room being prepped for painting and every other room severely in need of dusting and vacuuming”. It paints a clear picture that I like to live in very uncluttered spaces for the most part, but am not the most diligent housekeeper and also that I let my kids be the ruler of their own rooms.

After that we went for sushi which is always a good choice. There’s lots to talk about when you first meet someone and the conversation was pretty effortless. When dinner was over it was time to go to watch the movie at his place. Or at least that was the plan.

By the time we got through the tour of his house, which was pretty sizable, and talked about lots of things along the way, it was getting too late to start a show so he drove me back home. I explained that I really wanted to see the movie but also really wanted to enjoy it and not be too tired and it was already past 10.

When we parted ways, I told him to text me when he got home but I was already half asleep when that came in. Skipping the movie was a good call.

This brings me right back to 6 am waking up after sleeping 6.5 hours with a slight headache. The kids stayed at their dads last night but were texting me before 7am wanting to come home. I took my daily doses of curcumin and caffeine and drive to pick them up.

Today I need to put a heavy focus on work and get some hours in. I should probably start that soon actually.

It’s French Friday.. Time to Kechup,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-03-06 A Little Dose of Reality Goes a Long Way

Two converging topics this AM. I think that nobody is completely immune from “grass is always greener” syndrome. I talk to people in all kinds of situations and the common thread is that they all have the shit they are dealing with.

We have a tendency to look over that fence and see what we want to see in other people’s lives. That one over there is happily married and it’s great. That one over there has the perfect kids, or a very desirable job situation. We are mostly exposed to the social media representation of peoples lives where the filter applied is very rose colored.

But when you talk in person with people you are close with, the filter drops and the truth is exposed. The job is great but their boss is a complete douche-canoe, the kids are driving them bat-shit crazy, and their spouse forgot their birthday.

That’s real life.

I’m not going to get on my social media soap box now, though I could, because in the way of actually improving interpersonal relationships it brings almost nothing positive. It’s the in-person connections I want to focus on.

I met with my Friend Vis for lunch yesterday and unlike our last Meetup, we actually talked about his life and times. We both remarked about the phenomenon that talking to other people helps open eyes about the imperfections of life and that the grass is not always greener.

I don’t have a large set list of people I have these open communications with. Five or six at most and two of those people live elsewhere in the country. I might meet up with folks, or keep trying to stay social, but most of those are very surface level. Each time I do chat with one of my main peeps, it’s so valuable.

I’m reminded by their candid conversation that we’re all going through something. That’s life and the grass in their yard is NOT greener. And the grass in my yard is pretty green (except today because it’s covered in fucking snow!!🙄).

Crossing into the second related topic now which has to do with one of the only TV shows I still make an effort to watch sometimes. For me to watch a show, I have to really want to because I don’t have cable or Netflix or Hulu or any other subscription service. I watch tv streaming from the air. It’s the ultimate steaming service. It’s free but I only get like 3 or 4 channels that come in clear. Also, for that to work out, I have to watch a show at the time it airs.

Consequently, I pretty much don’t watch anything. A few years back I got into watching the Bachelor and then my sister and I would talk shit about that after each episode. I sort of stopped doing that in the last year but decided to tune in again last night and see what was up. As it turns out, it was the season finale. Who knew??!

This meant that 1). I will have bypassed ALL the drama and skipped right to the final decision and 2). It was 3 hours of life that I would be sacrificing instead of just one.

I watched with my son who also seems to enjoy it and getting some couch time with Mom. I try to make it educational for him pointing out mistakes they make and then sometimes I’m like “see what he did there? Never do that”. 😂 Of course the number one lesson to be learned is to never be on a reality TV show like that. I mean how dumb.

So this guy, this current bachelor, is in love with both the remaining women. There have been seasons in the past where some dude had actually told two women that he loved them so that’s not new but in those cases I think there was maybe always a clear choice (though it always appears to me that they end up making the wrong choice). Stupid! In this case though, he still claimed the entire show that he didn’t know what he was going to do.

This show is so tired now, I think they keep trying to push the envelope just to retain interest. Supposedly on the morning he was supposed to be making his decision known to both women, he was still conflicted. Uhhh.. really? Then don’t freaking propose moron! See .. Stupid!

Anyway, of course he proposes and of course she says yes and the other girl goes home crying. Then they cut to the studio audience with a shocking revelation that the story wasn’t over and that they have LIVE footage of what happens after that. Holy crap (and of course they do because they have to 1-up last season). 😉

After that magical proposal, Mr. conflicted goes back to his life and he and miss so and so start figuring out what their life together will be like. They live in different cities and have several meetups I guess but they are never really back to reality though. The cameras are still following them around to catch everything. He confesses (to ABC) that he can’t stop thinking about the other girl and feels like he made a mistake. It’s only been like 4 weeks dude, you haven’t had enough time to figure anything out. But whatever.

So the cameras are rolling on a Meetup (which on a side note still seems like a fantasy getaway destination nestled in the hills of Cali so not really his place or hers). The network is presumably still picking up the tab for this and therefore have a right to film and air the very moment he breaks this news to her and basically instantaneously ruins every picture she had in her head about their future together.

The host hyped this up quite a bit but in reality it ended up being about a half an hour of them walking from place to place in this apartment/house and not saying more than four words to each other. She cried and said that she was so embarrassed and he just stared at her like an idiot not leaving.

I momentarily became one of those people who talk to their TV. “Quit asking her to talk to you if you have nothing to say!!”. I’m sure ABC told him to drag it out for as long as he could so they could get maximum footage. It was painful to watch, but somehow I could not turn it off until it was over.

AND.. after the three hour episode, it was still not over. Tonight is the recap with all three people in studio for interviews. No thanks! I was sucked in last night and like some grand orchestrated train wreck, I could not look away but tonight I’ll be skipping that hot mess.

Bringing things full circle, it was a good reminder how messed up other people’s lives are and life in general for that matter. Sort of like when I talk to People openly about their lives, but different. My life is pretty awesome and even if I’m apparently on a rollercoaster ride with my romantic life that I can’t seem to get off of, it’s no where near being proposed to and then 4 weeks later breaking up (no.. that was me in 2016).

Back to Reality,
~Miss SugarCookie

2018-03-04 Peculiar Weather Patterns

What a week! Such highs and lows all in the same 7 days. It’s like the weather in Nebraska, wait a day and it will change. Sometimes dramatically.

First I’ll start with the the baseline, to establish there is sill some consistency and order in the world. For me, that’s the exercise..

20.3k average steps per day for the last 7 days. The last 3 or 4 days have been higher than normal and I think it’s because the weather is getting nicer and I’ve had several opportunities to be outside. I still only did a couple Jazzercise classes this week so most of those steps were just gym time and walking.

The sleep slump continues. 5 hours 48 minutes average for the week. I have nobody but myself to blame for this. Poor life choices strike again! It is, in part, due to the ups and downs of the week.

School.. procrastination forced a huge surge of activity in the beginning of the week and after Wednesday I’ve dropped quickly down to only spending an hour a day on it. I started a new text which is already very thought provoking so I think that’s going to help keep me engaged this month.

Work.. I put in 18 hours and as it happened the bulk of that began Thursday after my school stuff was over. It really worked out perfectly and now I’ve also got a few more tasks transitioned to me so hopefully I can get into that sweet spot soon.

Eating… Just terrible unhealthy choices all week. I’ve refused to get on the scale the last couple of days because I’m afraid of what I’m going to see. I think I’ve been stress eating junk food. I’m going to blame the dudes. Which brings me to everyone’s favorite topic.. Relationship status.

Single, actively looking, and how I feel about it changes every damn day. Toward the beginning of the week I was having tons of communication with another Bumbler and we ended up meeting up on Monday for dinner. It went really well. Seriously like afterward we texted back and forth in agreement that it was great. There was less communication the days following that and now.. I’m pretty sure I’ve been ghosted again. What is it with People?!

I’ve met my fair share of guys now and had good first dates and terrible ones, but in every case where I wasn’t feeling it, I’ve been very staightforward about it. How hard is it to say “thanks, but I don’t feel a connection, or chemistry, or insert any benign comment that lets them know it’s not them specifically.

This last one was worse because it feels like he was intentionally leading me on and was also dishonest. For sure agreeing with me that there was a good connection now seems like a flat out lie. Why??! I just don’t get it. It really makes me leery of what every guy might say to me.

Mid week I drank myself away from that situation and by Thursday I was swiping again. 🙄 I changed my search parameters and basically spent a fair amount of time going through EVERY matching profile. Yes. I swiped all the way to the bottom. Ha! 😂

I had a typical amount of matches and elected to delete a few but started about 10 conversations. Only about half responded which I’d like to believe is because they are no longer actively using the app.

Then yesterday, another match came through and I initiated a conversation. There was a little messaging through the app and then he wanted to talk on the phone, which we did in the afternoon while I walked my neighborhood. After that, we messaged briefly again and he asked to meet me. Well.. “yes please”.

We worked out that the only time that worked in the short term was that night (yes, yesterday). We met at a wine bar and talked for about 2 hours Over a couple glasses of wine and it was really great. He’s good looking, has a great career, intelligent, funny, and super easy to talk to.

He was even thoughtful enough to ask me to text when I get home so he would know I got there ok. I found that sweet. I’m just a sucker. 🤷‍♀️

This morning he already indicated he wanted to talk again. So that’s a positive sign, but you know I’ve gone through several similar quick iterations of this recently which have left me a little leery.

I just have to keep reminding myself not to take anything too seriously. I’ve got lots of things I should be focusing my time and effort on and all this dating stuff should be fun and not stressful. Right??!

I guess time will always tell… and tomorrow we might have snow so you never know. 😉

Ready for Spring,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-02-20 It Takes Heart

What? What takes heart?.. Pretty much everything in life. Really, for us mammals, we can’t live without it but that’s the literal translation of course. I dwell a lot in metaphorical spaces.

I’ve written a fair bit lately publically and privately about communication and language and the fact that words with definitions are one of the the basic building blocks necessary for successful oral and written human communication and understanding. “Thanks captain obvious”. Its not always obvious to everyone actually, but I’m going to leave that alone and start stacking other concepts on top. One tiny step up from words with definitions is the metaphor.

Metaphors provide a deeper understanding of meaning because of shared experience and context. There’s a vast catalogue of common metaphors that one can use to aid getting their point across. It’s why the saying “I love you to the moon and back” has gotten lots of traction as an expression of affection as of late.

People understand that the moon is a great distance away and they are searching for ways that appropriately express the vastness of their feelings. It’s novel because other metaphors have been over used, tired, and fallen out of favor. The ocean is still vast but has now been usurped by the moon. It is true that the distance to the moon is greater than the ocean is wide or deep so maybe there’s a smidge of one-upmanship there too.

Wow.. this is a serious introductory digression away from the real topic at hand, which is the heart. I had such a shit day yesterday and toward the latter part of the day I found myself in analysis mode again as it relates to my emotions. On the surface, it’s pretty clear. My self esteem had taken yet another hit from rejection. Nothing else has changed. The job is still awesome. The kids are great, school is the same, and there has been no impactful events. So, yeah, it’s about a dude. My heart hurts.

Yesterday I found myself looking over the poems I submitted in my first packet and the comments from my mentor. There’s one that I wrote in 2015 that I took to my first Residency for evaluation.

The feedback I received, outside the repeated constructive criticism of my lack of imagery and obvious need to get away from end rhyme, was all focused on the first couple of lines. This included using the heart as a metaphor, which is probably one of the most common and overused in history.

In some circles it’s actually considered against the rules these days to employ such cliche references. Color me with whatever shade of red best represents “I don’t give a fuck about that rule”. The comments from workshop, however, were not about that though. They were about the fact that the central idea in this particular poem is about different states of being, at the beginning, it is a state of trying to open my heart. By the end, there is some measure of success, but we didn’t talk about that. The focus was on the first stanza.

Revisiting this poem after the fact, I actually archived that draft and started over with just a couple lines from that first stanza… the bit about trying to open my heart. I wanted to find a scenario with a set of images that would elicit understanding of this predicament. I took something personal, true, and extremely relatable for most readers. The new title is “Toothbrushes”.

I didn’t put a ton of thought into this, it just came to me one day as I was standing in my bathroom looking at the pair of toothbrushes in the tumbler in my bathroom counter. I finally decided to pick up the one Simon used and toss it in the trash. As I did that, I thought, “hey, maybe this works” and that night I rewrote my poem.

I submitted it with my first packet to my mentor for comment. Not a lot came back in that one, except that it’s not finished yet. Something is needed to circle back to the original idea. Again, the idea of attempting to open ones heart. And also the state of starting over probably, because that is now what it’s about.

How very quant that this is exactly where I find myself again now. One thing not obvious in written communication that is a hurdle in blogs is the art of using sarcasm. So when I say “quaint”, please hear my curt tone and picture me rolling my eyes slightly up and to the left. 🙄 Then this.. 😒 and then maybe a little bit of 🤷‍♀️.

See.. I really need to work on showing instead of telling. I know that.

I’d like to revise this poem again now, but I just don’t know what to do with it. I have to figure it out. It feels kinda like a microcosm for my love life right now. I need to figure it out but I’m stuck and don’t know what to do.

My heart hurts and it’s not just some random dude I went on two dates with (though that is part of it). It’s a repeated pattern of rejection and my not being able to make sense of it. What does one do with that? I can’t let it go. I can’t embrace it. I’m having a hard time stopping myself from even thinking about it. I kinda wish I had a ton of work to focus on instead.

It’s gonna take heart to continue to work on this and find my way. It’s gonna take heart to keep trying. I’m going to have to dig deep to find what I am looking for I think. Not “ocean” deep, maybe just “Great Salt Lake” deep. 😉

One Step Forward,
~Miss Sugarcookie

2018-02-18 All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go

I should be reading and I should be going over my notes and revisions or SOMETHING else productive, but I just can’t seem to focus when I have other stuff just burning my brain. BURNING.

I’ve been out a couple times now with a new dude and I really like him and he says that he really likes me. We have officially gone out twice and unofficially I’ve visited him twice at his side gig as a bartender at an Irish Pub downtown. We’ve also been texting back and forth quite a bit. It has been really nice actually, to have someone who is clearly into be be responsive. The feeling is mutual. I’ve been fairly pleased with the way things are going so far. The catch happens to be how much time he seems to have for actually going out.

I’ve put some thought into this. I’m typically the person who does not have enough time, but this guy has two jobs and three teenage kids. He’s pretty busy and I have chalked our several re-schedules up to those facts and the reality that stuff comes you have responsibilities. A few of those reschedules were on me also. We eventually met for a first date over a week ago and then this week on Tuesday we had date #2. Both went great!

After date #2 I asked when he was free next and he said Friday night, so we agreed that would be date #3. That never happened because someone asked if he could cover the shift at the bar and since he is a nice guy who can’t say no, he said yes. That left me alone on a Friday night. I ended up putting in a few hours at work, and then napping, and then actually going downtown to the bar so it worked out anyway. I rediscovered that I am definitely not a late night bar person especially when it’s a crowded place and I am not there with someone else. Despite my mild social anxiety, I did ok chatting with different people who came and went (drunk people are pretty friendly and sort of entertaining).

We reschedule again for today and I was very much looking forward to it. I don’t have my kids until tomorrow and the whole day was open for whatever so I was just going to roll with whatever we decided to do.

I went to Jazzercise this morning.
I went shopping after that for a few household items.
Then I went to the gym (during which he called to check in and let me know what he was up to and that he would reach out later).
Then I finished blogging and worked for an hour or so.
Then I went back out shopping again, this time for groceries.
Then I cooked dinner.
Somewhere in there I showered and got dressed as if I was going out on a date later.
A little bit ago I decided to really try and read and write, but felt so tired (serious lack of sleep).
I took off my dress and my tights and my little sweater and crawled into bed for a nap.
Now it’s past 9PM and there has been no communication whatsoever. No response to the 1 text I sent. Nada.

On the one hand, it seems pretty out of character given the history of his responsiveness and so like a silly girl, I’m worried there might be something wrong, and on the other hand my brain is pretty hot about being stood up. I know I’m the one with a busy week coming up and I have something going on almost every single night which is not how I like to roll. My kids come back home tomorrow and I’m already feeling guilty for having so many plans that don’t include them.

I’m already down about this whole dating thing and really just needed something in the win column. I swear, I am not that needy of a person and I am really easy to please. I’m a little bit of a pushover and too forgiving and sometimes people seem to naturally just take advantage of that, whether they know they are doing it or not. With this guy, I really don’t know what to think. I’m at a loss.

I’m still kind of sleepy from having tried to nap and decided to move all of my “homework” to the kitchen space to keep myself from just crawling back into bed. I’m not going to sugar coat it though, it might happen anyway.

I just had to get this out so I could try to focus on something else. If this is it, and this guy just goes AWOL on me, I’m out. I’m done with the freaking dating game. DONE I say.. done done.

Over and Out,
~Miss SugarCookie