2017-08-11 Who Am I?

Today I dug a trench in my back yard and it’s almost ready for me to start doing the brick work. I also went for a bike ride and discovered where/how the Patio trail connects with the Keystone trail, so that 4th of July mystery has been solved. After that I took a nap and then went to Jazzercise which was closely followed by a walk at the high school track. It was a very full day indeed. Most of it, I spent alone.

Spending the day alone means lots of music in my ears and lots of thinking. I came to two conclusions…

The first is that I am really sick of the music on my phone and need some sort of introduction to something new. I don’t know if that means using a new app or something or just hanging out with different people who have different tastes.

The second is that it is sometimes difficult to define ones self. Who am I? If you take away my children, my job, my friends and family, and any ties to some partner in life, what am I left with? What do I like? As a person who is historically both a people pleaser and the most easy going/amiable to any plan, I’ve always gone with the flow. I’ve always done what other people have wanted me to do. When I am left alone, as I am now,  completely alone, who am I?

Today I chose a bike ride and some other exercise. I chose to work in my yard and ignore cleaning my house. I chose to write instead of read and I chose to be outside instead of inside. So is that who I am? What else is there? If someone were to ask me if there was anything in the world I could do what would it be? I don’t think I know. Does anyone know the answer to this for themselves? Does anyone really know who they are as a person or are we defined by our jobs and relationships?

I intend to find out who I am without my job, but I don’t want to separate myself from relationships because that’s my lifeline. That’s my safety net. As much as I feel over-burdened by my responsibilities to maintain my relationships sometimes, I would simply not know what to do without them. I would be lost and at risk of falling through without a net and potentially suffering some dire consequences.

OK, true confession time. It’s 9PM on a Friday and I’m all alone and getting ready for bed. I had two glasses of wine with my dinner of leftovers and am a little bit buzzed from that (yes, two glasses and that’s it). I’m about ready to go to bed for the night and tomorrow I am going to wake up and have all the same choices I had today. Will I chose the same things or try something new? Will I connect with people or remain alone for the day? Will I hang my hat on waiting for something to happen to me or will I go out and MAKE something happen. I don’t know. I don’t think I will know until tomorrow gets here and I’m right in the middle of it.

I guess if you really want to know, you will have to click back tomorrow and find out. Oh, now how is that for suspense? Haha!

Until Tomorrow. Gnight,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-05 Not Ready for “What Now”

It’s just past 6AM and I’ve been awake since 4 something. The sun is just around the corner and there is light outside now and I’ve opened the curtains and the windows which is a sure sign I’ve given up the notion of any more sleeping on this night.

I was so tired when I wrote yesterday’s post that I had to go back and re-read what it was all about. Apparently, I have some more topics brewing in my brain but not quite ready to commit to any deep commentary on any of them. I feel quite the same about my life in general. I’m not really ready to commit to starting a relationship. I’m not really ready to commit to finding my next career. I’m not really ready to commit to any other drastic changes or endeavors in my life.

I’ve taken the last month to decompress from my last work situation and have adjusted quite easily to a lifestyle of leisure. I really fancy waking up every day refreshed and relaxed with no responsibility save to those few commitments I’ve made for meet-ups and what my kids might need or want. I’ve commented to several folks recently that it would be really easy to get used to this, if only my bank account could handle that long term (which it can’t of course).

I’ve tried to be very observant and self-reflecting on how I feel and how different situations make me feel and what impact certain events have had on my mood and demeanor. I’m doing this analysis to try and better understand myself while I have the time to do it. That “mirror” is a valuable tool in improving ones life, but unless you have the time to really look at it and then actually think about what you see, it might be a wasted minute. Josh and I had a conversation about the mirror as a tool yesterday and I think he was referring more to a literal mirror than my figurative form, but the application of the idea is the same none the less.

Last night I caught my own reflection in a window in my kitchen and I am reminded of my physical flaws. Some which can be corrected with some hard work and dedication to activity and food consumption behavior modification. Some that are just how I was built which I have no control to change save for expensive plastic surgery. For the most part, I’m OK with the way I look, but thinking about being in a relationship again, or starting down that path makes me feel self conscious or more aware of some of those flaws because I would be subject to what someone else thinks about it. It should not matter, but it does. No sense denying that.

As July is a closed month now, and open for evaluation, I very much think it was a well rounded attempt to unwind from the working world. A good vacation, lots of time spent meeting up with people and talking, and a fair bit of experimentation in the dating world. It’s now the 5th day of August and I’m starting to try to define what this month in my life will be all about. I’ve recognized through my reflecting that I do tend to over-commit to things, and took the ‘re-connecting’ with people too far. The end result was often a stressed feeling as well as too many unhealthy meals, which is a result of not a lot of choices for the actual meet-ups themselves. I’m going to cut back on both in August as well as cut off my attempts at meeting new people.

I would like to also really start figuring this diet thing out. Less meals out and more cooking at home will allow me to eat healthier. I may not be ready to start thinking about big life changes, but the diet is so important and something I really have complete control of so there are no excuses to fixing that. Despite my early start to the day today, I’m also hopeful the improvement I have seen in my sleep lately will continue.

It’s almost 7AM now and though the sun is up, it is very overcast outside. I think the chances for rain today are good so it might be a fabulous day to lounge around and drink coffee and read a book. Perhaps I will go get a Jazzercise set in early just so I can feel well balanced and not feel guilty later if I do end up having a lazy day. At this very moment, however, I’m not even ready for that yet.

Yawn,
~Miss SugarCookie