2017-08-11 It’s FriYay Again

I’m bound and determined to get my act together today and at the very least finish digging a trench for these edging pavers for my back garden. I also got it in my head yesterday that I would like to go for a bit of a bike ride and really see what’s up with patio trail and how that connects with a few other trails in the area. All this has to be done by like 4 because I am also bound and determined to go visit my friend Leah at her Jazzercise class at 4:30. I have not seen her for about a month.

I’m going to make this one quick today because I really want to get up and at it. No more communication back from my “beach day” friends. I’m very much confused about how when we are meeting in person it seems so very good but then there are such long stretches of silence in between. The longer it goes, the less hope I have for anything.

I had over 8 hours of sleep again last night which makes like 5 days in a row and that is a new record. My average sleep for the week is 8 hours and 1 minute and I can’t tell you how good that feels. I’m really loving the way I feel when I wake up. Refreshed, energized, happy. I could really get used to this. Of course in about four days the kids go back to school so we will all have to be getting up a little earlier. For me, I think the trick will be going to bed earlier too. I should do that anyway and set a good example for the kids. They don’t get back until Sunday so it is going to be an abrupt change for them. Hopefully they have been getting up early on their vacation with their dad.

OK, no more stalling. I’m going to go straight to the backyard to get to work. I need to keep my eyes closed until I get there so I don’t get distracted (again) by something else along the way.

Doing the FriYay Dance,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-10 Strange Days

This week has been so strange. Despite having a few things planned, it seems that nothing is going according to plan. Some of it has been unexpectedly awesome and some of it has been just rotten. I’ll start with rotten so I can end on a positive note.

Yesterday I wrote about my attempt to donate blood and how that turned out. I was so angry. I just hate being turned away and maybe it is because I hate rejection and possibly it is because it feels like a situation that is completely out of my control. Either way, I was just so angry and I felt like punching something when I got back in my car. It was like a mini temper tantrum and that’s not me. I’m very even keel and there is not a lot that makes me angry. This did it though. I channeled that anger into yesterday’s post and also researching more about the diet where low iron is concerned. I tried to take that negative and turn it into a positive and I sort of feel better about it. Sort of.

Yesterday afternoon I had a plan to do Jazzercise, a strength class followed by a dance-mixx class. I was all geared up to do the 45 minute strength set, which was with one of the toughest instructors in my opinion. About 5 minutes in I felt a twinge of a headache, which I had not had going into the class. Another 10 minutes and it was really starting to ramp up into something substantial and about 30 minutes in I was convinced I was having a migraine. On my back doing ab-crunches looking directly up at the light and starting to feel like I wanted to toss the contents of my stomach. The sensitivity to light is a sure sign of a migraine.

Of course I was in the front row and of course it was a strength class which requires one have weights and a ball and a resistance tube and a matt. So many things borrowed from various locations around the room to put away and it would have been very disruptive for me to just quit and put those things away. So I powered through it. It would also look very strange if someone quit 30 minutes into a 45 minute class. I put about 10 to 15% effort into each next exercise until it was finally through. It’s funny how sometimes 15 minutes can seem like an eternity.

When class was over I packed up my things and put all that eq away and high-tailed it out of there. No second class was in the cards for me. After having been afflicted by migraines off and on for my entire adult life, I know the best way to combat them is dark and quiet and sleep, with meds if necessary. That is what I intended to do.

I arrived home and promptly took an Excederine migraine pill, which is just acetaminophen, caffeine, and aspirin. Then I had a bowl of cereal. Then I went up to my room and took a promethazine to combat the nausea. The promethazine also has a nice side effect of making me really drowsy. That’s kind of an understatement though. It actually helps me have a deep relaxing sleep, if I fall asleep. After I took that I had a nice hot shower and then fell into my bed. I was probably asleep in like 5 minutes. No kidding.

According to my Fitbit that was 6:09PM that I fell asleep. The last thing I remember was texting Josh that if I was unresponsive, it was because I was asleep. We were supposed to go to dinner when he finished his work for the day. Apparently he texted and even knocked on my door when he was in the area and I was unresponsive.

I woke up around 9pm, very groggy like I was still in the middle of that drug-induced fog. The headache was gone but my body hurt like I had fallen asleep so suddenly and then slept wrong. It was the strangest feeling. I had a bite to eat and texted with Josh and then decided it would be best if I just let my body sleep and went back to bed. That was about 10:15pm. I slept until 7:30 this morning. Adding it up that was almost 12 hours total. I have not slept that much in forever. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I slept that long. Wow.

Right now I’m at the Toyota service shop getting an oil change. It was good that I woke up when I did so I did not miss my appointment. However, my Mac is very low on power (< 5%) and I don’t have the power cord so I’m going to have to save the “good” for when I’m back home and plugged in.

More Laterz,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-08-03 The Consumption of Time

I’m one full month into not working and quite amazed at how my days magically fill up with things to do despite having 8+ extra hours to work with. The first change, which I think I thought was going to be quite instantaneous but has taken a little time to come to pass is the extra sleep.

When I put in my notice at work back in the end of May, I had an immediate sense of relief and that manifested in some wonderful, sleep-aid free nights of sleep. I thought for sure that was a magic ticket that would for sure stick, but that relief in the sleep department was short lived. Instead, my sleep issue soon returned and I found myself once again turning to taking some Benadryl or Xanax quite regularly.

It really has not been until the last few weeks that I’ve finally turned the corner again and am now getting almost 8 hours a night without aid. I’m wondering if has just taken this long for this change to settle in or are my issues with sleep just chronic and destined to come and go. I guess it does not really matter as long as I can enjoy the extra hours I am getting when I get them. I will gladly sacrifice those extra hours for sleep because it feels really great but the rest of my day and those other hours I would normally be working seem to also be consumed by things I normally had to fit in after work.

Take yesterday for example. I spend the entire day mowing, doing dishes and laundry and going to lunch with my mom and before you know it 5PM had arrived. How could I possibly have stretched out all that stuff to fit 8 hours? Now, I did also fit in a two hour nap in the afternoon (which was also glorious), but did my chores really need to take the whole day?

The other noticeable change in my routine has been my writing. I used to write, when I had some inspiration, in the evenings. My day from 7AM to 7PM was typically very set and I would not even think about opening my laptop until after that. Many times I would be too tired once I got to that point and/or would have lost interest in whatever it was I wanted to write about. Now I have lots of time and can pretty much get right to it when I fancy. It seems I have shifted more to a first thing in the morning writer. It feels very natural.

When I wake up, I’m typically thinking about what I have going on that day and I lay in bed and sort of think through it. I’ll grab my phone and check the weather to see if that is going to affect any of my plans and I typically will also check my email too. Though I like to be active pretty much right away, I’ve tried exercise first thing in the morning and that still does not suit me very well so the writing is a nice transition from thinking about the day and actually starting the day. The only thing I struggle with a bit is having something to write about.

Besides the stream of consciousness stuff, I also write other things, mainly poetry, but that requires a special brand of inspiration. Now that I am writing in the morning, I don’t really have the whole day to reflect on like I would at night, so I find myself wandering off in different directions on different topics which is nice. Hopefully that diversity will be more interesting to revisit in the long run.

Obviously some of my time has been consumed with the addition of dating back in my life, but most of that is time that I would normally have spent with other people any way at lunches and coffee and dinners. Probably I have spend more time thinking about the dates and people and chats and also past relationships than the actual dates themselves. I’m trying to figure out what it is I am really looking for and keep coming up with different answers at every turn and maybe all that thinking is what is taking up my spare free time. Why else would it take me 6 hours to do laundry and mow the lawn? Haha.

Anyway, I’d better get started on my day and by started I really mean figure out what I want to do this morning because most of my time this afternoon and evening is already spoken for. I have a good couple hours until lunchtime and don’t have anything pressing that needs to get done. Perhaps I will hit the gym and perhaps I will go make something out of the tomatoes my mom gave me yesterday. We shall see.

Happy Thursday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-07-09 What Potato’s Do

You know what I didn’t do yesterday? Look at my to-do list. You know what else I didn’t do, pretty much anything. If I’m being perfectly honest, the reason is because I only slept for 2 hours. Yeah.. 2. I went to sleep at 4:30AM on Friday night/Saturday morning and woke up at 6:30. Why my body/mind will not let me sleep past 7AM is beyond me, but I know this to be a fact and yet I still ignore it and do stupid things like stay up until 4:30 in the AM. So it’s my own fault I was a total potato yesterday.

In the morning I worked for about half an hour in the garden, which is all I could muster and I did go to Jazzersize and gave a half-hearted attempt. After that, I came back home and tried to go back to bed. I had a nap for about an hour and a half, but it was not enough to fuel me to do anything productive. I gave up and just laid around and played a game on my phone.

Later in the day I went to Josh’s house and we went to Canfields and Menards just walking around looking at stuff. After, we met up with a friend of his and went to Qdoba for dinner (I had a coupon and I’m all about the coupons now that I have to watch my pennies a little closer). Qdoba is right next to game stop so the boys went in to browse a little. I was bored out of my mind.

It amazes me how they can look at games and talk about games for hours and hours. Playing is one thing, but just standing in a store talking to the clerk for that long? Oh my gosh, I felt like I was going to fall asleep standing up. In reality it was probably only 30 minutes, but it still felt like an eternity.

Then we hit the Dunkin just before close. If we weren’t regulars there they probably would have been super annoyed to see people walk in at 8:59PM wanting coffee. Instead, they made the guys drinks and we BS’d for like 15 minutes. Well, they talked while I just stood there smiling because I had nothing to contribute to the conversation. Kind of strange watching two guys in their 20s and 30s flirting with a couple of 18 year olds. Strange, but interesting.

After that we went to Scott’s place so they could start the new game they purchased. At that point I was transported about 20-30 years back in time. There I was, sitting on a chair watching boys play video games. Growing up, it was my brother. I played our Atari 2600 a little, but mostly I just watched. After that it was the arcade, a place where I was employed for about a year while I was going to the community college. Then, of course, with Brian, but by that time I had mostly lost interest and had much better things to do on my own. Anyway, sitting there in Scott’s basement, it was like I was somehow reliving a moment and it was ok, but for a fairly short moment.

As I began to fade, I left them to their new story and the adventure that was only beginning. They had gotten past the intro and the tutorial and I was ready for bed. When I arrived home I fell asleep so fast. At least there is one good thing that comes from only getting a few hours of sleep, you are so tired going to sleep again is never a problem. This time, I stayed asleep for 6+ hours, or so I think. My FitBit has suddenly decided to not update that stat.

Anyway, I need to be more productive today and NOT procrastinate at least doing a little planning and packing for my trip. This time tomorrow I’ll have the kids and we’ll be getting ready to head out on our big adventure.

Hasta Luego,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-30 Last Day of June

Today is the last day of June and the last day of the first half of the year. I’m historically into being retrospective and analyzing things in order to make adjustments and improvements but not sure I’m really in the mood for a deep dive into that right now. Perhaps just a slight toe-dip in the shallow end…

When I started this little adventure in January I was in desperate need of SOMETHING. I was in need of something but not sure what it was. I knew I was not in a good place with my life and that changes needed to be made, but I really had no idea what the real problems were and what I should be doing. My initial conclusions were to write about it and try to focus on my health. That is exactly what I did.

I’ve put more effort into exercise and making sure I get good physical activity more. I’ve realized this is not easy to do because of time constraints. It takes time to go out walking, or hit the Jazzercise classes, or the gym. As a person with lots of responsibilities and limited time, the struggle is not with improving my fitness, it’s with balancing my time.

I’ve put some effort into improving my diet. I went through the whole food tracker app analysis phase and determined the right app for me only to stop using it only a few weeks after that decision was made. The truth is, I’ve done a lot of research in the past about eating healthy and know what I should and should not be doing and more importantly, I know what works for me and I know what my weaknesses are.

I’m addicted to sugar (most Americans are). I’m often in a hurry (most Americans are) and opt for the quick easy meal, which is often a less healthy choice. And eating and drinking is a social thing, because there is not a lot of other things to do, so we tend to meet up over a meal or coffee or a few drinks. Given all of this, it stands to reason that when I’m home in my own space with time on my time, I have the ability to make better choices. I can spend a few minutes making a delicious salad or something else that’s not all sugar and fat. Again, the missing ingredient is time.

It is the same thing with sleep, which is the thing I have struggled with the most to try and course correct. I’ve definitely had some ups and downs. I can look at my FitBit history and see weeks I had 4 and 5 hours average sleep and some where I was almost at 7 hours. I’m off taking any meds now to aid sleep and going in the right direction with it, but still not making the best decisions when it comes to going to bed at a decent time. Because, well… time.

Since I am only dipping my toe into the thought puzzle game today, and am probably already ankle deep, I’m going to stop there. If I start talking about work and relationships and road trips and cheeseburgers, my head will be under water before you know it and frankly, I don’t have time for that right now. (How appropriate).

Perhaps there will be more of a retrospective later. For now, time to get up and get moving.

Happy Last Day of June!
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-28 Waking Up Unemployed

I woke up this morning at 6:22 after about 6.5 hours of sleep. It may take me a while to get used to sleeping in later than that, or I may never be able to sleep later than that which would be OK.

When I wake up at that time, I generally have some time to myself to think about what I want to think about and do what I want. During the school year it’s about an hour because I have to get the kids up and start everybody moving for the day, but in summer it’s a little longer since they sleep in.

This morning I’m thinking about waking up unemployed. Yesterday I made mention of it feeling like I was just on PTO for the day and though that is true, I also found myself really not thinking about work at all, which was just amazing.

I have one friend who recently quit his job and got a new one and he said it took him several weeks to sort of “let go” of the responsibility of everything he had going on at his previous employer. He said he would still wake up thinking about what might happen with customer “X” and feel like he needed to check in and make sure things were OK.

Perhaps it was because I was so busy entertaining the kids yesterday that I had very little thoughts of what was happening at the company, but it could also be that I was way past ready to let it go. I also had four weeks to try and wrap things up and make sure I left what I was currently working on in a good state, which I felt like I did OK with.

Of course there will always be issues and unexpected crisis to handle, but that is the nature of that job. My last week there I had a great conversation with the founder of the company and I admitted to feeling like the product had not made a lot of progress in the last couple years and he vehemently disagreed with me. He praised my effort and all that I had done for the company and the product in the past five years and that left me feeling a little better about how I was leaving things. That conversation may also have something to do with the fact that I’m resting easy, and not thinking about the past.

In any case, I felt like one last post about my previous employment was in order. I have no doubt things will continue to “carry on” just fine without me and that somehow everything will get done. I did dedicate the last five years of my life to that place which equates to over 10,000 hours.

The work I’ve worked hard at my entire professional career is the reason I have the ability right now, today, to wake up unemployed and not worried about the future. For the next “X” amount of time, I can just wake up and think about all the wonderful things I will be able to do each day. Today, that includes hanging out with my kids, cleaning and organizing my house, visiting my friend Amy, and going on a first date. Life is wonderful and I want to enjoy living it.

Cheers to Tuesday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-15 Mid Month Moodiness

The last few days have been a struggle again. My emotions at work ran high yesterday and I have about a week left and I can’t quite figure out why I was letting things get to me. I woke up at 5AM yesterday and 5AM again today and something is stuck spinning in my brain. That has to be the reason I have not been able to fall back asleep, like I have been doing so well these last few weeks. In fact, until yesterday, my sleep was nearing the 8 hour average mark.

Yesterday I was ultra focussed on a few work items and alleviated the immediate pressure by scheduling a meeting with one of our executives.. the founder of the company and the person I have historically most often been coached by these past 5 years. He was one of those folks who was really tough to face when I resigned, but now that a few weeks have passed, I’ll be able to have a conversation and keep my composure.

I want to talk to him about the future state of the company and more specifically, my area and the roadmap of my product. I’m being very possessive, but that’s what happens after five years in the driver’s seat. I’m in a very odd position with an internal struggle between holding on and letting go. I think this conversation will help me. That’s going to happen next Monday. My last Monday working for a while.

Then there’s the Matt aspect (if you can call a person an aspect). Another struggle to let go. I believe the best thing for me would be not to communicate at all, but I am compelled to. I don’t pretend to understand my own behavior. Even in the last week, I’ve teared up a couple of times thinking about “us”, and then spontaneously texted two days ago with a question. I was really just wanting to say “hi”, but came up with a reason, so it would not seem so random. I don’t know why I can’t just let go.

I went to a show with my Friend Amy last night and after we went to Lot 2 for food and drinks. We both had a kale salad and split a cheeseburger That was a place Matt and I used to go to and split a cheeseburger. It made me happy and sad at the same time. The cheeseburger was not as good as I remember.

It is mid week, mid month, and mid life and I have to figure out how to snap out of this funk. It’s 7:15AM now and I’m already tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I’m wanting to go back to sleep and now is the time I should be waking up. That’s messed up.

Back to Bed?
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. Today I am grateful for having events to look forward to in my future.