2017-07-19 Finally Home

It’s not like the journey took us a long time, but arriving at midnight makes it seem that way. I had less sleep last night than the four or five previous days and immediately started unpacking and doing laundry as soon as I was up.

I’ve kind of been just going through the motions today, nothing too intense. I needed to get the kids back to their dad’s today and that was my number one priority. After that, I was free to do whatever and just tried to get back into my normal routine. Well, as normal as I can since I don’t have a job to return to. You know what the absolute best part is about coming back home from vacation when you don’t have a job? No mountain of email. No phone calls to return. No fires to put out. No backlog of requests from sales for time estimates. No angry customers or projects that have fallen behind or software issues that can’t be solved. It’s truly just magical.

This is the very reason I knew a simple vacation would not solve my problem or my woes. I know vacations can be stressful at times and with the kids along, it was often WORK to keep everyone happy and fed and not on the brink of meltdown, so jumping right from that kind of trip into the continuous adventure that actual work can sometimes be is not rejuvenating at all. However, sleeping in tomorrow and deciding what I would like to do with my day tomorrow when tomorrow arrives is bliss. That is the point. That is what I desperately needed and that is what I am taking for myself. It’s about time.

Right now I am listening to music and texting some people via Bumble off and on. I finished unpacking and the last of the laundry is in the dryer. It is nearing 10PM Omaha time (which is midnight on the West Coast), and it is the latest I have been awake in days. I may not have it in me to accomplish much more tonight. Perhaps a few pages of the new book I have been reading, but we shall see if I can even get to that.

Happy to Be Home,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-28 Waking Up Unemployed

I woke up this morning at 6:22 after about 6.5 hours of sleep. It may take me a while to get used to sleeping in later than that, or I may never be able to sleep later than that which would be OK.

When I wake up at that time, I generally have some time to myself to think about what I want to think about and do what I want. During the school year it’s about an hour because I have to get the kids up and start everybody moving for the day, but in summer it’s a little longer since they sleep in.

This morning I’m thinking about waking up unemployed. Yesterday I made mention of it feeling like I was just on PTO for the day and though that is true, I also found myself really not thinking about work at all, which was just amazing.

I have one friend who recently quit his job and got a new one and he said it took him several weeks to sort of “let go” of the responsibility of everything he had going on at his previous employer. He said he would still wake up thinking about what might happen with customer “X” and feel like he needed to check in and make sure things were OK.

Perhaps it was because I was so busy entertaining the kids yesterday that I had very little thoughts of what was happening at the company, but it could also be that I was way past ready to let it go. I also had four weeks to try and wrap things up and make sure I left what I was currently working on in a good state, which I felt like I did OK with.

Of course there will always be issues and unexpected crisis to handle, but that is the nature of that job. My last week there I had a great conversation with the founder of the company and I admitted to feeling like the product had not made a lot of progress in the last couple years and he vehemently disagreed with me. He praised my effort and all that I had done for the company and the product in the past five years and that left me feeling a little better about how I was leaving things. That conversation may also have something to do with the fact that I’m resting easy, and not thinking about the past.

In any case, I felt like one last post about my previous employment was in order. I have no doubt things will continue to “carry on” just fine without me and that somehow everything will get done. I did dedicate the last five years of my life to that place which equates to over 10,000 hours.

The work I’ve worked hard at my entire professional career is the reason I have the ability right now, today, to wake up unemployed and not worried about the future. For the next “X” amount of time, I can just wake up and think about all the wonderful things I will be able to do each day. Today, that includes hanging out with my kids, cleaning and organizing my house, visiting my friend Amy, and going on a first date. Life is wonderful and I want to enjoy living it.

Cheers to Tuesday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-21 Still Too Much

Things have transitioned from “feeling better because the weight of the job stress is melting away” to “oh shit, I have two days left to finish some stuff”. It started at four, now three, now today, waking up at 5AM again, it’s two. TWO DAYS LEFT OF WORK.

Today I have to switch gears and really stop focusing on doing work and focus more on conversations giving work to other people. Well, one other person anyway – which will be too much too. Hopefully, the newer folks on the team will be picking some things up to help real soon.

Last night I took the kids to visit my Dad who I did not see on Father’s day. I don’t see him very often, maybe four or five times a year including Christmas. In fact, it’s mostly holidays, not that I would consider Father’s day a holiday. They were just getting home and had Godfathers pizza for dinner and I lifted a couple of slices of that since I had not eaten. My dad opened a bottle of my favorite wine (which I brought to Thanksgiving last November that apparently nobody wanted).  Later we shared a strawberry pie that I made  (my late Grandmother – his mom’s recipe). I finally told him I quit my job.

If there would be one person I would expect to get some grief from or at least be somewhat worried about my choices, it would be my dad. However, I presented it in such a way, there was nothing snarky or skeptical or judgmental someone could say. I painted a picture of 2016 and then went into more detail about my most recent experience in Phoenix and coming home to even more “drama”, with no time for rest in-between. I talked about working 3 weeks straight and not sleeping well and not having time for the kids. After all that, who in their right mind would question my choice. He didn’t.

Yesterday I felt a fair amount of anxiety over, well work primarily, but also just the idea that “stuff” was not getting done and I wanted something that I could point to and say “look, I finished that”. It didn’t happen. Not enough anyway. But talking about my woes with my Dad (and his Wife) made me feel better. I think talking to people in general makes me feel better, but I sometimes feel like it’s a one or two shot deal.

Last fall I talked to my mom multiple times about my situation with Matt and by the 3rd or 4th time she was suggesting counseling. I don’t typically want to burden other people with my heavy stuff, so when she said that, I knew she was 1). Genuinely concerned about my mental health but also 2). Tired already of hearing the same things again. After that, I stopped bringing it up. I never went to see a counselor, because that’s never worked for me before (and I’ve tried two or three times in my life).

With friends, I feel like I really do only have one shot. I tell my story, get their opinion, and then we never talk about it more. The story is ongoing, but honestly not a lot has changed in the last 6 months. What more can you say about it? Yes, I still feel like I made a mistake (several mistakes) last year. Yes, I still feel sick thinking about Matt dating some other girl. Yes, I still want to talk to him and have to resist texting. Yes, I still cry about it. Maybe not as often as I was six months ago, but the road to recovery is long and slow to travel.

I feel like people don’t want to hear my broken record of a sob story. This is why a blog is such a great idea. I can say the same thing day after day after day, and since nobody (not nobody) is reading, nobody (not nobody) will be bored out of their mind with it.

Just like the last few weeks when I probably have talked about quitting my job almost daily.. It does not matter because I can do that here and will not feel like a burden on anyone but those people who perhaps are choosing to silently, anonymously accompany me through it. If you are reading this right now, thanks for sticking with me.

It’s almost 6AM and really time to figure out what today looks like. Hopefully it will include me pointing at something and getting to say “look, I finished that” and that “Too Much” gets just a little smaller. Fingers crossed.

Time to Make the Doughnuts,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-19 A Most Momentous Monday

I woke up at about 5:30 this morning after maybe 6.5 hours of sleep. I don’t feel super well rested and I don’t want to face this day. I really don’t think I am prepared. It’s my last Monday at my job. This is the last Monday and this is my last week. I’m going to pause and let that sink in for a minute…

…It is the last time I’m going to have to wake up on Monday and get ready to go to work (for several months anyway). That’s pretty huge.

Last Thursday when I left, I had a brief conversation with Doug, who I won’t see again at the office and a longer conversation with my boss, who I also won’t see again at the office.

I also spoke briefly with Brian and Angie as I was going out the door and taking one of my plants. I could barely speak and it’s OK, because what do you say anyway? As I got in my car and set the plant down on the floor mat on the passenger side, my eyes were filling with tears. I remember thinking if it feels this way now, what is it going to be like next week? Leaving the job was relatively easy, leaving the people is tough.

Now I’m rolling into my last week and still have a lot to do which I am grateful for because if I am busy working then I’m not going to have time to think about.. stuff. It’s the thinking about stuff that sometimes starts to get to me and it’s like eating Pringles or something, once you pop, you can’t stop. So I just need to keep my head down and focus on the tasks at hand. There will be time for reflection after.

I still have an hour and a half before I have to be to work. I’m wondering if I could squeeze some gym time in to take my mind off this most momentous Monday.

Time to Roll,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-15 Mid Month Moodiness

The last few days have been a struggle again. My emotions at work ran high yesterday and I have about a week left and I can’t quite figure out why I was letting things get to me. I woke up at 5AM yesterday and 5AM again today and something is stuck spinning in my brain. That has to be the reason I have not been able to fall back asleep, like I have been doing so well these last few weeks. In fact, until yesterday, my sleep was nearing the 8 hour average mark.

Yesterday I was ultra focussed on a few work items and alleviated the immediate pressure by scheduling a meeting with one of our executives.. the founder of the company and the person I have historically most often been coached by these past 5 years. He was one of those folks who was really tough to face when I resigned, but now that a few weeks have passed, I’ll be able to have a conversation and keep my composure.

I want to talk to him about the future state of the company and more specifically, my area and the roadmap of my product. I’m being very possessive, but that’s what happens after five years in the driver’s seat. I’m in a very odd position with an internal struggle between holding on and letting go. I think this conversation will help me. That’s going to happen next Monday. My last Monday working for a while.

Then there’s the Matt aspect (if you can call a person an aspect). Another struggle to let go. I believe the best thing for me would be not to communicate at all, but I am compelled to. I don’t pretend to understand my own behavior. Even in the last week, I’ve teared up a couple of times thinking about “us”, and then spontaneously texted two days ago with a question. I was really just wanting to say “hi”, but came up with a reason, so it would not seem so random. I don’t know why I can’t just let go.

I went to a show with my Friend Amy last night and after we went to Lot 2 for food and drinks. We both had a kale salad and split a cheeseburger That was a place Matt and I used to go to and split a cheeseburger. It made me happy and sad at the same time. The cheeseburger was not as good as I remember.

It is mid week, mid month, and mid life and I have to figure out how to snap out of this funk. It’s 7:15AM now and I’m already tired and wanting to go back to sleep. I’m wanting to go back to sleep and now is the time I should be waking up. That’s messed up.

Back to Bed?
~Miss SugarCookie

P.S. Today I am grateful for having events to look forward to in my future.

2017-06-09 The Human Connection

It’s Friday afternoon and I’m just finishing up my work day. I was able to get to most of the things I intended to get to today including sending out a communication to all my customers letting them know that I am leaving the company and my last day is the 22nd of June.

Five years of my life and all the relationships I have worked hard to establish and maintain condensed down to one email that is very generic and can never say enough about how I feel about those people or this situation. It was hard to hit send. It was really, really tough but I did it. After was a release of mixed emotions.

Part of me still does not feel like this is real yet, but two weeks from today, I will no longer have a job. Will I feel free? Will I feel excited? Will I feel happy, or sad, or regretful or will I just coast into the next chapter of my life without a lot of emotional fanfare?

I really don’t think the latter will be the case. I’ve already gotten two responses back from my email bomb and I started to tear up. People are going to miss me and it is all those people that I really will miss working with. The people are why I do the job I do. I’ve said that before and I will say it again. When it comes down to it, the relationships we establish in life are so very important. One of the most important things. And this is coming from an introvert that does not even like people that much, so it seems contradictory, but I recognize the truth in this.

It is one reason that one of the things on my “set list” for this summer will be to deepen the relationships I have with people. Social media has pretty much killed the interpersonal communication scene. People think they are more connected now, but in reality they are less connected. If you see “Susy” went downtown for dinner and posted about the great time she had, you might think you know how she is doing, but do you really? I don’t think so.

Seeing what people post on Facebook, or Twitter, or Insta, or SnapChat does not make you more connected to that person. It just shows you a small slice of their life that they want everyone to see. To really know how “Susy” is doing, you have to talk to her. You have to call her or visit her and have a conversation. That is what I intend to do a lot more of this summer. I have used lack of time as an excuse for not doing this, and I can no longer use that excuse. It is time to act.

As a list maker, I kind of want to make a list of all the things I want to do and all the people I want to re-connect with, so that might be something I sit down and do this weekend. It is Friday after all and I don’t have a lot of solid plans.

Time to finish up work now and get moving on to the next thing…
Happy Friday,
~Miss SugarCookie

2017-06-01 Waking up Wonderful

Have you ever woke up feeling refreshed and happy? This morning I did, and it feels amazing. Yesterday was a rough one for sure, but I made it home and the kids tucked me in about 9:30 PM. (When I go to sleep before them, that’s what we do.)

I woke up around 5:30 AM and according to my trusty FitBit I had 7.5 hours of sleep. It was much needed. When I woke up I stretched and took a second to gauge how I was feeling. Much better than yesterday. My brain immediately kicked into gear, as it always does, thinking about all the things to do today. It was work first of course, but then Jazzercise, making sure Z get’s to her first day of summer PE ok, and watering flowers I bought but have not planted yet.

I went through my morning phone ritual as usual. I checked the times on Jazzercise classes. I checked the weather to help determine what I am going to wear to work today and I checked my meeting schedule.

I have a full day of meetings, but for the first time in a long time I am not bothered by that. I can truly start to let go of all the things that I will not be getting to and put the proper focus on what I am actually doing. A webex training session with a customer and a meeting with my boss plus more lab work for a new customer. Anything above and beyond that is icing on the cake.

The amazing part comes in when I roll over and lay on my stomach for a few minutes and think about what is to come. It’s freedom to be able to think about whatever you want to think about and not have the mind tied down by all the weight that has been a burden for so long.

I got up briefly to open the curtains and the window so I could see the sky get light as the sun comes up and hear the birds going through their own morning rituals. Then I nestled back into my bed to enjoy it for just a little longer. I’m so positive today is going to be a good day. I’m so happy to be feeling positive. THIS, my friends, is how you know you have made the right decisions.

Second Stretch, then Shower,
~Miss SugarCookie