2018-10-21 The How-Is-It-Sunday-Again-Already Status

Remember a few short months ago when I was all like “I love Monday’s, Monday’s are great! Monday is one of my favorite days of the week!”?! Yeah, I hope you didn’t believe those lies. I guess the more you come to treasure your weekends, the more it seems to go too fast, the more you are totally bummed to spend your Sunday’s thinking about the fact that you’re not ready for Monday. That’s real life I guess. It was nice while it lasted though.

That’s the trick, to enjoy the current moment while it’s here and not think too much about how things will change or dwell needlessly on tomorrow.

My week and weekend is almost over and I’ve only crossed off like two things from my list and have about 10 more to try and tackle today. The procrastination is REAL and I honestly wonder what I’ve actually done. Perhaps today’s status report will reveal the truth? Let’s find out…

Sleep.. 7 hours and 35 minutes average sleep per night. Ok so I slept more. That explains a little. It’s sort of misleading though since I was sick for most of the week. Being heavily medicated will do that to a person, plus I had a few serious naps which is factored in on the FitBit calculation. Last Sunday I collectively slept for 10 hours. Wow.

Exercise/Steps.. 16K steps per day and that’s more than it has been in a while. I spent considerable time in the gym on the treadmill and doing yard work. When I don’t feel well and my brain can’t focus, I can still move my body. It’s really one of the only things I can do to not feel terrible about not accomplishing much else.

Food/Healthy Eating.. Forget about it.

School.. I met with my mentor on Tuesday despite having the longest day in the history of the world and she extended my next deadline to next Wednesday. I’m therefore deep in the weeds of trying to get that done. Seriously contemplating taking a semester off. I’m in it to win it, I just want to take my time. I want to learn.

Work.. I only worked about 25 hours this past week. Whatever. The good news is that I was mostly doing things that I enjoy. This week coming up will also be a short one too. I’ve got two PTO days planned for different reasons and will not be working the weekend at all.

Relationship Status.. Engaged and loving life. Looking forward to an amazing life together.

What else? Oh, a few months ago I included a new status about what show I’m watching. I’ve really not kept up with reporting on that. Jim and I finished watching the Colony series and I highly recommend that for any fellow sci-fi, dystopian fiction nerds. It was awesome.

We’ve just started a new show called “Maniac”. We’re just two episodes in and it’s too early to make a judgement call on it. So far very interesting and weird. Really weird.

I would also share what books I’m reading but it’s all poetry and “ain’t nobody got time for that”.. including me apparently. /sigh

That’s it for this week. Peace, ☮️

~Miss SugarCookie

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2018-09-28 Serious Friday Feels

Everything I was worried about yesterday went great. Every thing that got done made me feel lighter and lighter.

I made a space for my morning cardio which I did not think I was going to have time for. ✅

I got my lawn mowed. ✅

I had a difficult conversation with my boss. ✅

I hit up my OBGYN and had another minor procedure to boost my testosterone levels. ✅

I successfully ran another call with an important customer. ✅

I had a visit from the heating company I hired to investigate why my furnace is not coming on. It turns out that’s going to be a very expensive repair, but at least now I know. ✅

Jim and I had dinner together and more great conversation about my job situation and the future. ✅

I was able to log into my school website and access the mid-term form and though I haven’t tried to submit yet, I’m ready to pull the trigger. ✅

It’s all good stuff. I slept great last night and am feeling energized and ready to take on today… FRIDAY!

After I pull the trigger on the mid-term I’ll have the whole rest of the day to get hours into work. I’ve put in a serious minimum of hours this week so far and even if I put in 7 or 8 today, I probably won’t even break 20. 😱 However, it has been a more balanced week and what I originally signed up for. I’ve learned through the experience of the last few months that 30-35 hours is too many to not start sacrificing my family and school. How I ever worked 45+ is a serious mystery to me. But we all know how that turned out eventually so maybe it’s not THAT much of a mystery.

I told my boss yesterday (one of 3 bosses I have) that if I take this next contract the rest of my hours have to be reduced. I let him know that I was getting married and that I’m wanting to focus more of my time on family and school. The truth is, even with that reduction, I’m still considering taking a semester off just to focus on my personal life. I’ve only got this next year to get Z on track for college and we will also be moving which is a significant life change for us. My time in school is slipping away and I realized in the past month or so that I’m not getting out of it what I am paying into it. I want to change that. I don’t think that’s an excuse to put a pause on it but it might be. I’m not sure actually.

All I know is that I want to study more and write more and even take advantage of the alternate track for the program where you can take an actual on-campus class to satisfy some requirements. That appeals to me quite a bit. I dig the idea of having an actual class with assignments and a curriculum of topics to learn about. The MFA program that I’m in is fantastic in the way that it is structured, but the classroom experience feels like an element that is missing. I don’t think I would have time this spring to take advantage of additional classes but next fall I might. Lots to think about.

In any case, I’ll still be navigating my way through this time puzzle for a while. My thoughts still shift daily and I haven’t quite figured out how to make all the pieces fit. It might be an eternal work in progress. 🤷‍♀️ Who knows. All I know is that I feel great and am ready for whatever happens next.

Whose got two thumbs and is ready for Friday?! THIS GIRL!! 😊

Rolling in the Happy,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-09-22 Weekly Wrap-Up

It’s Saturday and I’ve had a heck of a week and a healthy dose of reality check on multiple levels. Weights were lifted and new burdens took center stage in the SugarCookie world. Daily I remind myself that the future will be fantastic no matter what I choose. The best news ever is that now I have a partner in crime and talking through all of it with him is worth its weight in gold (or platinum or silver or diamonds or sapphires or Berkshire stock shares – whatever is worth the most).

I finally had closure with my ex. It was something that didn’t realize needed to happen, but now that it has, my heart feels lighter. I don’t have to think about what to do about future communication because there won’t be any. Despite my caring a little less these days about what people think of me, When it comes to people I care about, it’s etched into the fabric of my being. I received confirmation that his thoughts about me are positive despite regret felt from mistakes we both made. Relationships are complicated and it is the best possible outcome for us to have this closure from our five year love affair. Done.

On the Work front I got tangled in deep contemplation over the possibility of taking on yet another contract. I went back and forth and put weight on all the positives and negatives attached. I also had a long, wonderful conversation about it with my partner and I’ve now come to a conclusion about a decision on that as well.

I will spare you the details on my list of pros and cons but I will say it came down to basically two main factors.

1. The role is a project manager position and that is just not something I want to do anymore. When I was looking for jobs last year I probably would have taken a PM job but it’s not my first choice. I’d rather just be doing heads down Work behind the scenes. I found the perfect job for that, but it didn’t take them long to recognize I had the skills for that role and BAM, just like that I was pulled in. I’m now PM on two projects. As I go through my weeks, I’ve recognized those are the projects I don’t want to work on. That’s pretty telling. I hate being the main speaker/facilitator in meetings. Adding another one of those to the pile is not a good idea, even if it does negate my financial worries.

2. That leads to my second main point and where the conversation with Jim left me sure about my decision without a doubt. Income and financial responsibilities along with security in the number of hours I log always sit high in my mind. For the first time in my adult life I’m hourly and every hour matters. There’s been uncertainty with other projects and the hours that get spent. One week it’s on fire and the next it’s on hold. Two of my projects are now frozen until there’s a revenue stream. Ouch. However, my life is now in a state of transition too and it will be less than a year from now and I will no longer have a house payment. Last night at dinner I did some basic calculations about how many hours my house payment takes each month. The answer is about 50. That’s about one whole two week pay period (factoring in deductions for taxes and healthcare insurance). Short story, soon I won’t need that many hours. I’ll be able to work less and focus more on family and school. That’s brilliant!

Ok, that was more detail than I intended, but going over it one last time is super helpful to me. Thanks for playing along.

Anyway, so that’s out and the other good news from this week is that it looks like my kids’ dad’s new job is going to stick and he’s pulled the trigger on covering them on his work plan. That’s also going to save me about 15 hours of work a week once I can cancel them off my plan. Score!

Sorting all this work stuff out has taken attention away from my schoolwork. I’ll admit getting engaged and being on vacation have also been distractions but now I’m in a tight spot. My second packet was due .. well.. today as a matter of fact. What have I done? Zero. Ouch!

I contacted my mentor for an extension and have a new deadline. This is a very eye opening experience. I’m paying big money for this education and want to do as much as I can to take advantages of the time and resources I have being a part of this MFA program. Ignoring it or procrastinating past the point of reason is not the right thing to do. I have to turn this around. It has to start now. All the more reason to work less. What’s my goal again? Oh yeah, to be a writer. That’s the ticket,

This weekend I have to work on revising my previous poems and write two essays. I need to do a months worth of work in 1 week. My new deadline is one week from now. Not only that but midterm summaries are also due at the same time. Double – Ouch! Time to get rolling I guess.

First things first this morning though. Cardio and then a visit to Children’s hospital with my son for lab draws. We’re making a morning of it, QT with just him and I. That’s rare. After hitting the lab we are going to a coffee shop and taking a game with us. It will be a nice time. After that the afternoon is open. Should be a great Saturday.

Let’s Get the Party Started,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-09-20 Random Rambling

Not sure where this should start and no clue where it might go. I sacrificed my morning cardio to be at Jim’s house to let the maintenance guy in. I worked from his house which was half Work Work and half just checking things off my personal to-do list. Both are never ending.

Now it’s afternoon and I made the command decision to stop working and get some steps in. It’s all about balance .. right?

After much consideration I’ve decided to keep considering the new contract I’ve been offered and see where that goes. It’s not a done deal anyway, just a proposal. My continued interest means I had to update and submit a new resume and I will have to do an interview with the prospective client about my role in the project. What does it say about me that thinking about it makes me both excited and sick in the stomach at the same time. What’s a girl to do?

Yesterday was chaos. I worked my tail off on the new release of the software for my current project and held a delicate balance with respect to parenting in check. I drove my Z around for about 2 hours collecting job applications at “acceptable” locations. She’s being quite picky considering it’s her first job. I elected to grab fast food which was a sacrifice so I could get back to work on several things due yesterday. No wonder many Americans are not healthy. It’s so much easier to do the drive through than it is to plan and cook. The struggle is real.

By the middle of the afternoon the fact that I had sent Matt that farewell email the day before had faded into a distant memory. Was that just yesterday or last week or a year ago? It was just a fuzzy dot that had already been filed away. I guess it goes to show that I had already come to terms with the possibility I might not get a response (or any acknowledgement). That’s a good thing.

When I checked my personal email late in the afternoon and saw that he had responded, it sort of shocked me. Even more shocking was that it wasn’t just a “got it – thanks” acknowledgement. It was a thoughtful response with words that left me in a puddle of tears sitting at my desk. They were kind words, and apologetic words, and admissions of regret. There was even a little poetry. Whoa!

He understands my request and concluded by asking if it was really “forever” or if someday we could talk again. Therein lies the question. I’m no stranger to the fact that absolutes are no good. We are advised against it in writing and as it stands to reason, it’s also a good rule for life.

After I pulled myself out of the puddle, I fashioned a brief response that left the door open for “someday”. I don’t have a crystal ball and can’t predict the future, however, I expect that IF someday ever arrives, it will be years and years from now. That’s fine. The dog is asleep now, let it be.

The whole exchange made me feel happy and satisfied. I feel more ready now than ever for whatever is next. That includes a lot of planning. Hey.. planning.. that’s right in my wheelhouse. Sometimes I like planning and making lists and preparing for things way more than the actual execution. Maybe that’s why the prospect of a new project at work is enticing. I mean yesterday I had myself all talked out of it and today I’m totally re-thinking that. It could also be that yesterday I had a hell of a work day.

Tonight after my last conference call I’ll be rushing off to another Meetup that’s been cancelled and rescheduled several times. I’m meeting up with my friend Amy for a quick catch up session. We both have lots of updates to share. Maybe after that I’ll pop over to my sisters place since I’ll be in her neighborhood. In any case, I need to unplug and unwind a little from the week of chaos I feel I have had so far this week. I’m also glad the weekend will be here soon, but I’m going to need to transition to school. The struggle never ends. 😜

That’s enough random rambling for this day.

Cheers,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-08-16 I Don’t Miss It

Yesterday turned out to be kind of a terrible day despite how great it started out. I was Swamped with meetings and I ended up having to do a call in my car going to the high school and back because my darling daughter forgot something she needed. From my own house that a 6 minute round trip. From Jim’s it’s like 55. 🙄

I think I got burnt out the day before and didn’t really have my heart in anything. Plus, I had a slight headache which is something I haven’t had to deal with in a long tine. Everytine I looked at my screen I would wince with just a pinch of pain. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

My last call of the day was an internal meeting to talk through some action items due by our customer call (which is today). The person who was supposed to have done the work was out due to a death in the family and the other person was trying to scramble to run sql in the environment to get me the data. The call ended quick and I put my headset down and excused myself from doing more with it. I needed a break.

I’d promised a friend, who I put off last week, that I would meet her for happy hour. She suggested Blue and I figured that was perfect. I thought having a drink would do the trick and catching up with her would take my mind off things.

I was wrong. The drinks made my headache worse and though I didn’t feel like I ate very much, I felt overly full and generally crappy. I got back to Jim’s about 7:15 and felt so shitty all I wanted to do was lie down and sleep. I also sort of felt nauseous, I think from just too much, and was fighting an urge to throw up. It’s one of the unpleasant side effects of having a history of doing that to relieve the “too full” in my stomach. I didn’t say anything to Jim about it, we haven’t had “that” conversation yet. Maybe this week.

Due to my physical state, I could not read or think and so doing schoolwork was out of the question. Bummer cuz now I have only like 1 week to catch up. Jesus.. what am I going to do?

That’s rhetorical. Jesus isn’t actually listening or reading this blog. 😜

At this point I’ve failed to find balance and I know it. Now I’m going to have to pivot and focus a majority of time on school and that means Work is going to take a back seat and suffer. That’s why I can’t go to full time, truely. I’m reminded how last semester ended and it was hella stressful. I don’t miss that stress. I don’t want the stress.

Stress, dealing with head pain, and a constant nag in the back of my head about food are all things that I don’t miss. I felt like I was back in 2016 (minus the heartbreak), and i just can’t have that. Something has to change. I just don’t know what.

Hopefully it was just a temporary flash back. I got 8+ hours of sleep and woke up without a headache. Today will be better, I am sure of it. It has to.

Time to Find Out,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-08-15 OMG It’s August

I know, I know.. it’s been August now for more than two weeks but it’s going by so fast. I’m not prepared for the end of summer, I’m not prepared for both my kids attending high school, and I’m certainly not prepared for the other things coming up in the next two weeks. It’s gonna be extremely busy and I have no idea how I’m gonna manage it all.

Dropping my Z and C off at school today was uneventful. I had a nice reminder from Z about just how much she is NOT a morning person. Still, she posed for pictures like a champ because looking great in pics is her thing. My son had his usual “I’m only going to smile for 10 seconds so hurry up” face on. They both looked great.

The starting of school doesn’t really change my morning routine much. The difference is that the kids will be at school during the 8 o’clock hour instead of sleeping while I’m at the gym. I still get up around 7. I still spend the first minutes my day in the kitchen doing my morning routine rituals, which now include breakfast with C. I still make it to the gym by 8, just after dropping them off.

My goal is to always make it back home by 9:30ish to start work. Yesterday I put in about 12 hours of work. Yeah, that’s right.. 12!! 😱 And there’s lots more in queue for today. I think they are trying to really push me to full time. They know by now what I’m capable of and the fact that I’m not gonna let a deadline slip and I’m not going to let the team down. I have to be very careful and not say “yes” to too much, and I’ve backed off volunteering for things.

Yesterday I was invited to a call for a new project I didn’t know anything about. I thought it was a mistake. Then I got on the call and saw the agenda.. first up on the list was an introduction of me to the team in which my boss announced that I was going to be the PM. Hahaha! That’s funny shit. And then there were 5 (projects that I’m actively doing work for).

I was having a private IM chat with one of my co-workers whom was also a co-worker at my last job. He’s how I actually found out about this company. He’s also the one who recently made the jump from just being a contractor to working full time for the company. Anyway, we were both commenting on how many meetings we are now in. I said “just like the good ole days”. In jest of course because meetings are sometimes the most irritating part of the day. Especially if they are unproductive or don’t have a purpose. We both hated the daily morning meeting at the last place. It was a huge waste of Time.

We have the same “morning” meeting at this new gig but it’s way better because it’s only 15 minutes 3 days a week and it’s compartmentalized to teams and not the whole freaking company. They are consequently valuable and productive. Hooray!

How did I get to talking about Work?! My goodness. Ain’t nobody got time for that!! 😂

What I really want to talk about is poetry. How is it that it is ALWAYS playing second fiddle to work. It’s now 8 days until my first packet for school is due and I gotta get on that train or it’s gonna roll right over me. 🚂 😱 My creative sample is done, but oh those critical essays. I haven’t even started. Yowza! Time to Change My Tunes before another August week slips away!

Spin Down and Spin Up,

~Miss SugarCookie

2018-08-11 Contemplating Full Time

Guess what? My boss called me yesterday afternoon and “tried” to plant a little seed about me working full time. They want me on permanent payroll putting in 40 (probably plus) hours a week. I say he “tried” because I listened intently and didn’t bite. I’m not sure if he expected me to ask more questions and be excited or was truly just putting it out there to think about.

I only really asked one question… what would be the benefits of doing that? In my head I’m already getting all they have to offer. Ive got the health plan. I had to boost my hours to 30 a week to qualify for that. I was invited to the company retreat which was only supposed to be for full time employees. They don’t have 401k. I’m pretty sure they do not have a solid structure for PTO. I asked my co-worker what he got when he negotiated full time, salaries status and he said “uh, unlimited”. What? Really?

I know my ex who was a dev at Linked-In had unlimited vacation as long as the privilege wasn’t abused, but that was a big company that did things like rent out a stadium for their company Christmas party in the Valley. This place is like 20 employees and consultants/contractors. My whole outlook on vacation time is that if they only give 3 weeks paid (and I need more than that obvi), then the salary has to go up to cover potential unpaid vacation. I’ve always been able to manage on 4 or 5 weeks (that includes sick days), but that’s cuz my salary was the bomb and I live well within my means as far as the rest of my bills are concerned.

With being paid hourly, as I am now, I manage my own time. I don’t work – I don’t get paid. I work extra – I get a bonus. Because of school, I have weeks I can only out in 25 hours and those I don’t where I can balance out to 35. Thinking about 40? Nope, no thanks. Been there, done that. I’d like to say never again but using absolutes is foolish.

He offered the security of having a solid gig versus being on contract. A little birdie in my brain tells me I do not need to worry about that. I was appropriately enthusiastic about the conversation and told him I’d think about it and see how things go as school really ramps up (any minute now on that). Probably if I was done with school, I would consider it. But on the other hand, if I was done with school maybe I’d be looking for a new gig which is more in-line with my life passions. Interesting things to think about anyway.

It’s Saturday and my darling daughter is getting her hairs did for the start of school this week and I’m hanging out at the gym. I asked the lady at the salon how long it was going to take and she said 2+ hours. Yup, she’ll be sitting in a chair for 2 hours “bored AF”. She already texted me once complaining she was hungry, but she’s the one who refused to get out of bed until 2 minutes before we had to be out the door. I offered to bring her a pop tart but she said no and I’m pretty sure she thinks that would be embarrassing. I know.. I know “cool story bro”.

I may cut this set short anyway as I’ve got lots of tomato’s to process. I’m making a big batch of pico for a party tonight which was a hit last time. I also need to do some creative reading and writing. It sometimes takes me a while to get into the zone and today I actually have that time. Hey.. I don’t say that very often! I need to use it wisely.

If I worked full time, I’d have more money, but less time. I think that makes my course of action crystal clear.

It’s Always About Time,

~Miss SugarCookie